Welcome to the 9/30/11 edition of WWE Friday Night SmackDown!. This is the go-home show as we head into the Hell in a Cell PPV. A pay-per-view, mind you, that only has one match that looks promising, and it’s neither of the main title matches.
Show starts off with Booker T getting his own entrance for some reason. Apparently, he’s got a “special interview” tonight. While he makes his way to the ring, we learn Sheamus will take on Cody Rhodes for the IC title tonight, and the main event will be Randy Orton vs. Christian…again. Booker welcomes us all to the show. His special guest for this interview is the World Champion, Mark Henry.
Booker says congratulations to Mark Henry for winning the belt at Night of Champions, and as a former 6-time champion, he understands the mountain Henry had to climb. He offers a handshake, but nothing doing. Henry asks Booker that, since he’s a 6-time champ, does that mean he’s six times better than Henry. Booker starts to explain himself, but Henry cuts him off. He wants to know how Booker can kiss his ass and insult him in the same sentence. Booker says if he was going to insult Henry, he’d know it. Henry says if he picked Book up and put him through the announce table, he’d know it. Henry says Book should thank God that he’s here for Orton, not Book. NoC was about the World title, but at HIAC, he’s going to be the one to induct Orton into the “Hall of Pain”. Mounted on his wall at home are the heads of Big Show, Kane and Jerry Lawler. So…he’s the second coming of “The Lopper”? “Seinfeld” fans know what I’m talking about. He says he has a special place for Orton, above his mantle. Sunday, beating Orton isn’t going to be enough; he’s going to end Orton’s career. Book wants to know why, and why he’s not concentrating on being the best champion he can be instead. Henry tells Book to lower his tone. He knows exactly what he is and what he’s done. He did the positive things for 15 years, but it got him nowhere. It’s about dominating, and he’s going to be the most dominant champion in WWE history. Book starts to ask what happens if Henry gets hit with the RKO, but Henry cuts him off and says it won’t happen. If Orton could hit him with the RKO, he would have done it by now, and Henry wouldn’t be World Champion. He says Orton can’t beat him, and everyone knows it. Orton won’t beat him at HIAC, and The Great Khali won’t beat him tonight. He beat Khali down Monday, and will do the same tonight. Henry wants Book to bring Khali out now so he can take out the trash.
Khali starts with clubs to the head. Henry fights out of the corner with kicks and punches, but Khali comes back with more forearms and a clothesline. Khali with a bunch of shots in the corner and a big chop to the chest. More forearm shots. Henry tries to fight back, but Henry eats a pair of brain chops for a 2-count. Khali goes for the Punjabi Plunge, but Henry picks him up and backs him into the corner. Henry lays into Khali with several headbutts. Henry drags Khali into the center and hits a pair of jumping splashes for 2. Khali starts to get up, but Henry kicks him in the knee a few times and hits the World’s Strongest Slam for 3.
WINNER: Mark Henry. Typical Khali match. At least the right man went over, and went over in the right way-by completely wrecking Khali’s ass. After the match, Henry grabs a folding chair from ringside. I think Khali’s about to get Pillmanized. Henry hits Khali in the shoulder with the chair before wrapping Khali’s left leg in it. Henry goes up to the middle rope for the Vader Bomb and Pillmanizes Khali’s leg in the process. Hey, if it means Khali is off my TV for months like The Big Show and Kane, I’m a happy guy.
I hate Keith Stone. And no, it’s not because I’m straight edge; it’s because the character is unbearably stupid.
If you haven’t seen “Inside Out”…you’re like the rest of America.
Back from commercials, Khali is being tended to. Jinder Mahal runs up and begins screaming in his face before Teddy Long tells Mahal to back off. Can’t they just fire Mahal already? I realize Khali is somewhat of a big deal in India, thus has a secure job, but Mahal is barely even known in his own family.
MATCH 2: WWE Tag Team Co-Champion Evan Bourne (w/Kofi Kingston) vs. Jack Swagger (w/Vicki Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler)
Swagger comes out to Ziggler’s music. He can’t even come out to his own? Way to show that you care about your wrestler. BTW-if you’re keeping score, no one involved in this match is a “SmackDown!” wrestler. Bourne starts with a waistlock, but Swagger fights out and lays in numerous shots on Bourne. Swagger gets 2 off a back suplex. Swagger with a double chicken wing. Bourne fights out and lays in a bunch of kicks. He goes for a spinning head scissors, but Swagger turns it into a sidewalk slam. Swagger goes for the Swagger Bomb, but bourne gets his feet up. Dropkick and jumping roundhouse from Bourne. Swagger goes for a flapjack, but Bourne turns it into a double-knee driver for 2. Vicki gets on the ring apron, allowing Ziggler to hotshot Bourne. Swagger goes for the Doctor Bomb, but Bourne hits a jumping knee. Kingston and Ziggler are fighting on the outside. Bourne goes up top for Airbourne, but Vicki pushes him off behind the ref’s back. Swagger locks in the ankle lock, and Bourne taps out. I guess Swagger hacked Angle’s finisher?
WINNER: Jack Swagger.
We see a video from last week when Fake Sin Cara beat Daniel Bryan. It is announced that Sin Cara will face Fake Sin Cara at HIAC.
MATCH 3: Sin Cara vs. Heath Slater
This is the real Sin Cara this week. Slater has one of the worst entrance themes I’ve ever heard. Slater starts with a kick, a punch and an elbow to the head. Cara comes back with a botched springboard cross body and a dropkick. He gets a kick to the face from the apron and hits a swanton bomb for the 3.
WINNER: Sin Cara. Wow. I’ve never seen Slater squashed that badly before. We see Fake Sin Cara up on the Titan Tron. He pulls his mask off, revealing a black mask and black gear. He says that Sin Cara stole his identity once before as Mistico, and that he’s tried to do it again, and this Sunday, we’ll see who the real Sin Cara is.
We get a replay from Monday night when Cody Rhodes retained the IC title in the 10-man battle royal, and Christian costing Sheamus the belt.
Josh Mathews asks Michael Cole about being so critical of Triple H as COO. All Cole has to say is that the company’s in complete chaos and the COO isn’t even here tonight. This leads to a video package of Triple H’s time as COO, edited to show that everyone hates him. Good.
Backstage, John Laurinaitis is sitting with David Otunga, Christian, Cody Rhodes, Vicki Guerrero, Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler. The Dynamic Dude says he understands everyone’s concerns, and he’s working on it. Christian says that, since Otunga has a legal doctorate from Harvard, they all trust him to handle this issue. Johnny Ace says he’s working on it and they can trust him.
Back from commercial, we see a shot of the Archway in St. Louis, where the show is taking place tonight.
MATCH 4: WWE Divas Champion Kelly Kelly vs. Natalya (non-title)
Beth Phoenix is on commentary tonight. The Divas of Doom look great tonight. Kelly looks like a barbershop quartet reject. Nattie backs Kelly into the corner, but Kelly gets her feet up and a middle rope Thesz press. Nattie comes back with a discuss clothesline before getting in a hammerlock/reverse chinlock combo. Kelly fights out, but Nattie whips her down by the hair. Nattie slaps Kelly. Kelly comes back with a kick and goes for a victory roll to get the 3.
WINNER: Kelly Kelly. Beth knocks Kelly down from behind and hits her with a vicious Glam Slam. Nattie locks in the Pin-Up Strong as Beth grabs a microphone. Kelly is screaming into the microphone. Beth says that’s the sound we’ll all here this Sunday when she takes the belt from this screaming, undeserving Barbie doll. Holy god, Beth looks hot tonight. Just saying.
We see Sheamus in the back as he’s making his way to the ring. Sheamus/Rhodes for the IC title is next.
Cody makes his way out with his baggers. He cuts a nonsensical promo about Randy Orton cracking him over the head with the ring bell last week, and shows us the staples in his head. He says no action was taken against WWE for the damage he did, and instead, management saw fit that he should compete in a 10-man battle royal on RAW, and they’re forcing him to defend the belt again tonight against Sheamus. He’s being forced like an impudent 7 year-old child to defend his title. Didn’t know 7 year-olds defended titles. He calls Sheamus a thick-headed braggart, so he’s legally stating that he’s defending his belt tonight under protest.
Sheamus makes his way out and says he’s come to St. Louis to beat Rhodes for the IC title, and let me tell you something, fella, that ain’t Irish folklore.
MATCH 5-Intercontinental Championship: Intercontinental Champion Cody Rhodes vs. Sheamus
They starty with a tie-up, but Sheamus pie faces Rhodes off. Sheamus backs Rhodes into the corner, but Rhodes comes back with punches and kicks. Sheamus clubs Rhodes with forearms, a knee and a short-arm clothesline for 2. Sheamus ties Rhodes up to go for the forearm shots, but Rhodes slides to the floor. Rhodes comes back in right into a back body drop for 2. Sheamus gets Rhodes in the ropes and clubs him across the chest with forearm shots. He goes for the running knee strike on the apron, but Rhodes suckers him in by collapsing on the mat. Rhodes hot shots Sheamus. Sheamus goes for a powerslam, but Rhodes slides out and hits the Beautiful Disaster for 2 as we go to commercial.
Back from the break, Rhodes has a hammerlock on Sheamus. He fights out with punches, but telegraphs a back body drop and eats a dropkick for 2. Rhodes is working over the left arm now. He gets a foot choke in the corner. Sheamus comes back with some kicks, but misses a clothesline. Rhodes hits a kick to the knee and an armbar takedown for 2. Rhodes slams Sheamus’ arm into the ring post from the floor. Sheamus comes back with some gut shots, but Rhodes forearms him back down for 2. Rhodes goes back to the hammerlock. Sheamus gets back up to his feet and goes for gut shots, but Rhodes knees him in the gut and gets an elbow to the back of the head. Back to the hammerlock. Sheamus gets back up to his feet. Rhodes tries to throw him shoulder-first into the turnbuckle, but Sheamus reverses and sends Rhodes shoulder-first in instead. Sheamus with a pair of clotheslines and a powerslam. Running knee by Sheamus, and he goes up top for the flying shoulder block, which connects for 2. Sheamus goes for the Brogue Kick, but Rhodes ducks. He goes for the Beautiful Disaster, but Sheamus hits an Irish Hammer to the face for 2. Sheamus goes for the Celtic Cross, but Christian runs in and punches Sheamus, costing him the match.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Sheamus. After the match, Christian hits the Killswitch on Sheamus before talking some trash. Well, it was turning out to be a pretty decent match until the ending.
We get a behind-the-scenes look at “Inside Out”. Does anyone really care? Didn’t think so.
This commercial for Sonic hot dogs just pisses me off.
MATCH 6: Zack Ryder vs. JTG
If I didn’t read Malcolm Spinedi’s NXT recaps, I wouldn’t have even known that JTG still had a job. “Future endeavored” written all over him. JTG starts with a knee to the gut and some forearm shots. JTG hits a modified swinging neckbreaker for 2. Ryder comes back with a headbutt to the gut. JTG comes back with a back suplex into a neckbreaker for 2. Actually showing some nice moves here. JTG with a reverse chinlock. Ryder fights back with punches, but JTG gets a bluc to the back. Ryder comes back with a clothesline and a cross-chop to the throat. Ryder with a forearm in the corner and hits the Broski Boot, actually knocking JTG’s grill out of his mouth. This gets a 2. Ryder responds with “Are you serious, bro?” Love it. JTG with an uppercut, but runs right into the Rough Ryder for 3.
WINNER: Zack Ryder. Cole talks about Ryder crowning himself Internet Champion after an imaginary 64-man tournament in his backyard. Best. Title win story. EVER.
Johnny Ace is texting someone on his phone Triple H walks in. Triple H mentions the rumblings he’s been hearing that wrestlers are unhappy and someone is encouraging them. Ace says he’s loyal to Triple H through and through. Trips says that’s good, because if he can’t trust someone, he might as well wish them best of luck on their future endeavors. Trips walks away as Ace goes back to texting.
We get the same video chronicling Hell in a Cell matches that you’ve seen a thousand times.
Matt Striker is interviewing Randy Orton backstage YET AGAIN. L. Ron Hubbard help us. Orton asks if Henry has any idea who he is. He has created some of the worst atrocities in WWE history, and isn’t intimidated by anybody. He doesn’t regret what he did to Rhodes, either. Orton says Henry better hope and pray Orton hits him with an RKO and ends it early because he has no idea how many different ways Orton can hurt him in the cell. Sunday will be the end of Henry’s reign as champion. Okay, are Orton and Striker contractually obligated to appear on-screen together at least once a week or something?
Christian jobbing to Randy Orton is next!
MATCH 7: Christian vs. Randy Orton
You know, most wrestlers seem to get some kind of embarrassing angle for the night when in their home town. I get the feeling that won’t be the case here since Orton is practically the second coming of the Ultimate Warrior. Tie-up to start. Orton goes to the waistlock and gets a takedown into a headlock. Shoulder block off the ropes by Orton. Christian goes for a test of strength, but hits an uppercut instead. Criss-cross, and Christian runs into a shoulder block. Christian reverses a corner whip, but Orton comes back with a clothesline for 2. Christian gets Orton into the ropes, jumps outside and hits an uppercut. Back in, Christian with a middle rope missile dropkick for 2. Christian lays in some mounted punches, but Orton no-sells and comes back with shots of his own. He goes for the Thesz Press, but Christian turns it into a spinebuster for 2. Commercial.
WINNER: Double count-out. Orton continues to beat on Christian, eventually going over to the announcer’s table. He clears the table as he prepares to have the table kick his ass for the 812th time. Orton climbs up and drags Christian up as well. Cody Rhodes runs down, but Orton sees him and jumps down on him. Christian kicks Orton, allowing Rhodes to hit the Beautiful Disaster from the ring apron. Christian throws Orton in the ring as he and Rhodes double-team him. Sheamus runs down and Brogue Kicks Rhodes before chasing Christian through the crowd. Mark Henry’s music hits as he makes his way down. Orton is bleeding from the mouth YET AGAIN. Orton tries for an RKO on Henry, but Henry throws him off and immediately hits the World’s Strongest Slam. Henry starts to leave the ring, but decides against it. He goes to the other side to get a chair for another Pillmanizer. As Henry starts climbing back into the ring. Orton no-sells everything that just happened and pops up with an RKO, showing no ill-effects whatsoever. I hate so much about the things he chooses to be.
End of show.
I’d say Sheamus/Rhodes was the best match of the night. Christian/Orton wasn’t anything I hadn’t seen in any of their previous matches.
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Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you next week.
Full WWE Friday Night SmackDown results..
Mark Henry defeated the Great Kahli
Jack Swagger defeated Evan Bourne
Sin Cara defeated Heath Slater
Kelly Kelly defeated Natalya
Sheamus defeated Cody Rhodes via DQ
Zack Ryder defeated JTG
Randy Orton vs. Christian ended in a double countout