I apologize for the lateness of this recap. I was having computer problems last night, and the only feed I found was sh*t anyway. Fortunately, Eric is about the coolest boss on Earth and allowed me to slide on this. Did that sound to ass-kissy? Yes? Good, because I’m laying it on pretty thick here.
Tonight, Sheamus and Randy Orton take on ADR and Dolph Ziggler. But first, we get the return of WWE Hall of Famer Edge, who comes out to a nice ovation from the Philly crowd. Edge says the cheers never get old. There’s a few reasons he here. First of all, Philly is the home of the Broad Street Bullies, and second, it was 18 months ago he was forced into retirement. He kind of wondered what to do after that, as wrestling is all he’s ever wanted to do. He’s been at home, and has been able to watch WWE as a fan, and is able to just watch and enjoy it. He’s seen a lot of crazy things as both a wrestler and a fan, but he’s never seen anything like [Kane and Daniel Bryan winning the tag titles this past Sunday, including them “hugging it out”]. Back to Edge. He’s been away from a while, but can anyone explain to him how Kane and Bryan became BFFs and WWE Tag Team Champions? He’s a 12-time champion, so he knows what it takes to…
Daniel Bryan interrupts the speech. Bryan wants to correct Edge on his use of pronouns, because “they” did not become the Tag Team Champions; HE is the Tag Team Champions. Bryan repeats this several times before Edge cuts him off. This is what he’s talking about. The arena is trying to get a rise out of him, and Bryan is completely oblivious. Bryan says he’s in control of himself. He is an anchor. He is a rock. He…is one with his emotions. Serenity now! Bryan says he can see how someone like Edge would be suspicious. Dr. Shelby has been teaching him and Kane that their subconscious thoughts often submerge in the heat of the moment. Who do the words “Excuse me” make him think of? Edge, do you often think of your ex-wife? Do you think of the pain you caused each other? His theme music explains it all (“You think you know me”), but does anyone really know Edge deep down? Bryan has some advice: go back to acting. Go back to retirement, because he is a redwood, and there is nothing anyone can do to make Bryan snap. Edge says his intention wasn’t to make Bryan snap, but it does sound like a bit of a challenge. A “Yes! No!” battle starts between the two of them until Bryan loses it, which Edge enjoys.
Kane’s music hits, and he tells them they’re both wrong, because HE is the Tag Team Champions. This starts an argument between the champs, until Edge intervenes. Kane says Edge seems angry, and Bryan agrees, telling him to take it easy. Kane offers him some of Dr. Shelby’s relaxation exercises. Edge says they’ve tortured each other for weeks. He gets Bryan being one with himself and finding inner peace, but Kane? Kane is not Barney the Big Red Dinosaur; he’s the Big Red Machine (Barney is purple, BTW). Edge reminds Kane he stole his wife, then Kane interrupted his wedding. They’ve done horrible things to each other, and Kane remembers. He thinks he needs to rectify that situation right now. Edge starts to take off his jacket, ready for a fight, but Kane wants to hug it out, b*tch. They hug as Edge looks confused. Bryan, however, doesn’t like this and begins screaming “No!” Edge asks Bryan to join them in the hug therapy. Bryan likes the idea and begins to respond, but…
[adinserter block=”2″]Damien Sandow decides to interrupt things. Seriously, this segment is just getting better and better. Allow him to beg our indulgence for one moment. His name is Damien Sandow, and he’s here to help all of us. For the past fortnight (great word), this very serial has been plagued by the sophomoric and tasteless operetta of these two miscreants. The shame and humiliation emanating from betwixt (another great word) those ropes as these combatants attempt to “hug it out” is a complete abomination! And you, you half-wits! You’re all lapping this up the way a parched street canine laps a feces-infested puddle only proves how fast and far this enterprise has fallen! As your intellectual savior and martyr…Edge tells Sandow to shut up at this point. He can sit here and watch these two argue and hug the whole show, but after thirty seconds of Sandow, he’s already swallowing his own barf. If he wants to do something about this, why doesn’t he come down here and take one of these two on. Sandow says he is a thinking man, and he doesn’t resort to measures of physical means, thank you. Edge asks the crowd what they want, but Sandow says the Universe’s opinion doesn’t count and is of no consequence (FINALLY, someone says it). Edge asks if Sandow should face Bryan or Kane, and Kane gets the nod as we go to commercial.
We’re back, and the first match is underway.
MATCH 1: WWE Tag Team Co-Champion Kane vs. Damien Sandow
Sandow starts with a side headlock, and Kane shoulders him down. Daniel Bryan is watching from ringside. Sandow leads Kane to the floor and then rolls back in, but misses an elbow drop on an incoming Kane. Kane drags him out and nails an uppercut on the floor. Back in the ring, Kane nails some corner strikes, before running right into a back elbow from Sandow. Kane nails a big boot, but telegraphs a back body drop. He no-sells Sandow’s kick, so Sandow rolls to the floor. Kane throws Sandow back in the ring, and Sandow rolls to the other side, where he hotshots Kane. Sandow nails some shots in the corner, but a side headlock attempt is countered into a back suplex. Avalanche in the corner by Kane, followed by a corner clothesline in the opposite corner, and a sidewalk slam gets 2. Kane hits the top rope clothesline and signals for the chokeslam. Before he can lock it in, though, Bryan stands up with both title belts, screaming that he is the champions. Bryan jumps on the apron and they start to argue. Kane grabs at his title belt, but Bryan won’t let go. This allows Sandow to nail him from behind. One straight jacket neckbreaker later, and this one’s over.
WINNER: Damien Sandow. Bryan continues to taunt as he heads up the ramp.
Kane is in the back, tearing the place up, looking for Bryan. Dr. Shelby stops him, and says he knows Kane is upset, but let’s calm down. Kane says Bryan cost him his match and stole his belt, and if he doesn’t get it back, he’ll tear Bryan’s beard off his goat face, strand by strand. Bryan pops out of a nearby equipment box, saying he does not have a goat face. They argue over this, calling each other names. Dr. Shelby screams like a little girl to stop them. He says they’ve made a lot of progress, and they can solve this with a trust exercise. Will Kane promise not to rip the beard off if he gets his belt back? Kane says yes. Would Bryan like it if Kane did not rip his beard off? Yes. Bryan gets the belts out and hands one over. Kane says there is still the issue of him losing his match. Shelby asks if he could talk to Booker T and get Bryan a match tonight as well, and if that would make him happy. Kane agrees. You know, I thought I’d hate this angle, but Kane, Bryan and Shelby are so good in their roles. It’s television that is so bad, it’s good. This is like what a wrestling promotion would be if it were run by Lloyd Kaufman.
We get some stills from the ADR/Sheamus match at NoC, and I just realized the guy doing the voice-over is the same guy who does the voice-overs for TNA.
Alberto Del Rio is in Booker T’s office, looking at a copy of his book. Booker walks in and wants to know what’s going on. ADR wants to know what Book was thinking when he reinstated the Brogue Kick. Book says that yes, the kick is dangerous, but legal. If ADR doesn’t want to get hurt, stay out of Sheamus’ business. ADR calls the decision to reinstate it before the match unfair, and Book agrees. However, he’s not going to give another title match, and ADR has to earn one. Tonight is his lucky night, though, as he’ll get that opportunity in the tag match later tonight. ADR throws the book across the room.
WWE Divas Champion Eve Torres makes her way out for commentary.
MATCH 2: Natalya vs. Layla
Layla nails a spinning back kick to the gut and a swinging facebuster. Low dropkick to the head. Layla is talking trash to Eve, and this allows Nattie to drop her with a discus clothesline. Stomps and a pin attempt gets 2. Abdominal stretch is applied. Nattie turns it into a pumphandle, but Layla escapes and goes for a roll-up. Nattie counters and begins to apply the Sharpshooter. Layla kicks her off and quickly lands the Lay-Out for the 3.
MATCH 3: Alberto Del Rio and Dolph Ziggler (w/Vickie Guerrero and Ricardo Rodriguez) vs. Randy Orton and World Champion Sheamus
Tie-up starts, with ADR backing Sheamus into the corner. ADR fires off some punches, but Sheamus hits a big boot and a spinning neckbreaker for 1. Orton tags in, and he hits a dropkick for 1. Orton goes for the Garvin Stomp early before tagging Sheamus back in. Sheamus with some rights, backing ADR into the corner. He misses a running shoulder in the corner, which allows ADR to hit the step-up kick right to the bad shoulder. ADR with a foot choke now, but he runs into a rolling fireman’s carry slam by Sheamus moments later. Sheamus gets distracted by Vickie and Ricardo, which allows Ziggler to come in and nail him from behind. ADR hits a low dropkick for 2. Ziggler tags in, and stomps on Sheamus. Show-Off Elbow gets 2. Rear chinlock is applied now. Sheamus tries to break the hold, but Ziggler takes him back down. ADR tags in and hits a running kick to the back for 1. Rear chinlock by ADR now, and Orton looks on pissed, angry that these guys are stealing his best moves. Sheamus fights out and hits a tilt-a-whirl powerslam off the ropes. Orton tags in and hits the 4 Moves of Boredom. RKO is signaled, but Ziggler tries to run interference and gets hit with a powerslam. He goes for the suspended DDT on Ziggler, but ADR grabs the leg, allowing Ziggler to hotshot Orton. ADR hits the Backstabber, but only gets 2. Ziggler tags in and fires off some punches. Orton eats a back elbow and a running clothesline for 2. Rear chinlock is applied on Orton, which is really going to piss him off. Orton counters with a back suplex, and both men are down. ADR tags in, and cuts off an Orton tag. ADR mounts the middle rope, and Orton dropkicks him to the floor. Sheamus and Ziggler tag in, and Sheamus nails two Irish Hammers and a shoulder thrust in the corner. Ziggler dodges the knee lift and applies the sleeper. Sheamus throws him off and goes for the Brogue Kick, but Ziggler moves out of the way. He dropkicks Sheamus in the knee and goes for the rocker dropper, but Sheamus shoves him off into the ropes, catching him with the Irish Curse on the rebound for 2 as ADR breaks it up with a kick to the head. ADR goes for the rolling jujigatame, but Sheamus shoves him off into an RKO by Orton. Ziggler goes for his briefcase, but turns around into a Brogue Kick for the 3.
WINNERS: Randy Orton and Sheamus.
Up next, Daniel Bryan vs. Cody Rhodes
MATCH 4: WWE Tag Team Co-Champion Daniel Bryan vs. Cody Rhodes
Bryan starts by landing a series of European uppercuts, before running into a Stun Gun. Rhodes with a 1 off some stomps before hitting a standing gourdbuster. Rhodes gets in a couple punches in the corner before Bryan reverses and lands some No! Kicks. Bryan backflips off a corner throw, then hits a running clothesline off the ropes. He hits the running corner dropkick and applies the No! Lock. However, before he can really cinch it in, Kane’s pyro goes off, and he makes his way onto the stage. He makes the ringpost pyro go off, and the distraction is enough for Rhodes to hit Cross Rhodes for 3.
WINNER: Cody Rhodes.
Bryan is now in the back, looking for Kane. He finds Kane, laughing. Bryan wants to know what that was, and Kane doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Bryan says is Kane is innocent, except for when he lit off his pyro in the most important part of the match. Kane says that was payback, so now they’re even. Bryan says Kane is jealous because Bryan is a better singles competitor, while Kane isn’t good enough to wrestle in a basement. They continue to argue until Bryan turns around and sees Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow looking on. Bryan wants to know what’s going on, and Rhodes says them being the champions is a complete joke. Sandow says this trivial experiment is about to come to a combustible conclusion. The champs then challenge Rhodes and Sandow for a match tonight. They just leave. The champs then argue over who those two are scared of, Bryan or Kane.
MATCH 5: Brodus Clay (w/The Funkadactyls) vs. Heath Slater
I feel like I’ve seen this match many times. Probably because I have. Slater shoves Clay and ducks a clothesline, but gets hit with a bodyslam. Clay hits a gut shot and a running knee lift. Slater manages to land some punches, but runs into the exploder suplex. As Clay goes after Slater, Jinder Mahal and Drew McIntyre hit the ring and attack Clay.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Brodus Clay. Mahal and McIntyre continue the assault, and Slater joins in. Mahal and McIntyre hit a double suplex, and Slater nails a low clothesline. Future Shock by McIntyre, and now Mahal applies the camel clutch. While I’m not really sure the point of this, at least it appears McIntyre is finally being given something to do. I could care less about the other two, but it’s nice that storylines are being given to the undercard either way.
It’s announced that Bryan/Kane vs. Rhodes/Sandow is now official, and will happen later tonight.
Jerry Lawler will appear on RAW this Monday night to discuss what happened. Sounds like it will be via satellite, but either way, it’s good to see “The King” on the mend and it sounds like his recovery is going really well.
MATCH 6: Santino Marella vs. WWE United States Champion Antonio Cesaro (w/Aksana) (non-title)
Cesaro hits a boot to the gut and a European uppercut. Lifting gutwrench suplex. Cravat is applied, but Santino fights out and fires off some punches. Splits to duck the clothesline, and a hip toss follows. Saluting headbutt after that, and the Cobra gets loaded up. However, the Cobra is once again distracted by Aksana, allowing Cesaro to knee Marella in the gut. Cesaro pulls the Cobra off Santino’s arm and throws it to the ground. Aksana gets on the apron to grab it, and at the same time, Santino shoves Cesaro into the ropes, causing Aksana to fall into the ring. While the referee is checking on her, Cesaro nails the Very European Uppercut and goes for the pin, but the ref is still checking on Aksana. Cesaro yells at her to get out of the ring, and Santino sneaks in a quick schoolboy for the 3.
WINNER: Santino Marella. After the match, Cesaro tells Aksana he’s thinking something right now, and he’s going to say it in five different languages-Swiss, French, German, Italian and English. That message? “We’re finished!” Aksana then begs for Cesaro to come back as he continues up the ramp.
We come back from commercials, and Sandow & Rhodes are already in the ring. The Usos, the Prime-Time Players and International Airstrike are all at ringside as well.
[adinserter block=”1″]MATCH 7: Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Daniel Bryan and Kane (non-title)
Rhodes and Kane start, with Kane immediately throwing Rhodes to the corner for some strikes. Forearm by Kane, and goes to whip Rhodes, but Rhodes holds onto the ropes and forcibly tags in Sandow. Kane whips Sandow in and nails an uppercut. Corner strikes follow, and a short-arm clothesline gets 2. Snapmare and a low dropkick by Kane, and Bryan now tags himself in. Rhodes tags in as the champs argue, but runs right into a drop toehold by Bryan. No! Kicks by Bryan, and a running seated dropkick gets 2. Arm wringer by Bryan, and he looks to tag Kane in, but instead yells, “No!” Kane yells, “Yes!”, and Rhodes shoves Bryan into Kane, knocking him off the apron. Rhodes lands the Beautiful Disaster on Bryan for 2. Outside, Sandow shoves Kane into the barricade. Sandow gets on the apron to tag in, and lands some boots in the corner on Bryan. Rhodes back in, who applies a hammerlock. Bryan elbows out, ducks a clothesline, and the two crash in the ring on a dual cross body attempt. It’s funny hearing Kane yell, “Come on, Daniel Bryan! Tag!” Not sure why, but it is. Kane and Sandow both tag in, and Kane drops Sandow with an uppercut. Kane with corner strikes. Sandow comes back with a few of his own, but Kane counters an Irish whip into a DDT. Sandow elbows out of a chokeslam attempt, but gets nailed with it the second time. Before Kane can make the pin, Rhodes nails him in the back with a chair.
WINNERS VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Daniel Bryan and Kane. Rhodes goes for a second shot, but Bryan grabs the chair out of his hand, allowing Kane to knock Rhodes down with a big boot. Bryan goes to nail Rhodes with the chair, but hands it over to Kane instead. Kane nails Rhodes with a gut shot and a shot to the back with the weapon. Bryan grabs a second chair, and the champs smile at each other. Bryan with a shot to the back of Sandow. Now Kane. Now Bryan. They alternate chair shots like this for a bit, as the other three teams are just looking on from the floor. As they’re leaving, Kane grabs both Usos and throws them in the ring before attacking the other four. He begins throwing guys into the ring as Bryan is attacking all of them with the chair. Kane is back in the ring with the chair now, and the champs are hitting anything that moves. Kane grabs the belts, and hands one over to Bryan. They raise their belts and chairs over their heads as the crowd is firmly cheering them.
End of show.
This Kane/Bryan stuff is awesome, and that was a fun way to close the show
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[amazon_link id=”B006US3UOO” target=”_blank” container=”” container_class=”” ]WWE: You Think You Know Me? The Story of Edge[/amazon_link]
[amazon_link id=”B008IG0ESG” target=”_blank” container=”” container_class=”” ]WWE: CM Punk Best in the World DVD[/amazon_link]
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