Tonight’s WWE Friday Night SmackDown! starts off with video from this past Monday Night RAW, which saw Big Show accidentally-on-purpose knock out Vince McMahon with the WMD. I happened to see a spoiler regarding the Big Show/John Cena match for No Way Out, and I have to say that not too many are going to be pleased, because no way can the finish of this match be good.
We’ll find out more on Vince’s condition, and what his status for NWO will be.
The “Hot Chick in Tall Socks of the Week” AJ makes her way out for an interview. I am in complete agreement with my cohort Justin Henry on her insane sex appeal. AJ wants to tell us something before the show starts. There is a very simple reason for why she kissed Kane on RAW. She did it because…
[adinserter block=”2″]Vickie Guerrero interrupts things for some reason. She has news for AJ-AJ is not the story tonight. No one is talking about her kissing Kane, or even Big Show punching McMahon; everyone is talking about Dolph Ziggler becoming the new #1 contender. Ziggler heads out to the stage, and the two begin walking towards the ring. After another pointless tag team match with Swagger a few weeks ago, he told everyone he was better than this. Last Monday night, he proved. He is going to be the new World Champion, and he’s not going to let some 95-pound Hot Topic employee stop that. AJ says the bleach in his hair has seeped into his brain, because he’s delusional if he thinks he’ll be champion. Him…and his grandma. Grandma then slaps AJ, who smiles it off. Vickie threatens to throw AJ out of the ring if she doesn’t leave. AJ continues the crazy smile as WWE Champion CM Punk makes his way out. Punk gets in the ring, and AJ gets a massive toothy grin on her face. Punk says he’s no authority on the English language, but through all the screeching, he thinks she said “Excuse me”. Just so you know, just because Vickie says it doesn’t mean we have to do it. Funny thing about that, he doesn’t think there’s an excuse in the world for having to justify listening to her. He calls her a broken record, touting Dolph Ziggler every week, with Ziggler not coming through. He remembers Ziggler saying he’d win the WWE title back in January. It’ll be the same song and dance at NWO with Sheamus, and it’ll be the same deal tonight with Punk and Sheamus. If Punk is the “voice of the voiceless”, Vickie is the voice of the pointless. Ziggler starts to talk, but is cut off by Daniel Bryan’s music.
Bryan makes his way out, calling this situation priceless. He refers to Punk as AJ’s night in shining armor. She probably told Punk she kissed Kane to save Punk from him, but that’s not true. She’s got him wrapped around her little finger, and Punk doesn’t realize it. The one thing better than Bryan learning from his mistake? Watching Kane and Punk make those same mistakes. AJ cost him the title at ‘Mania, and if she’s in Punk’s corner at the PPV, that will be nothing but bad luck for Punk, and Bryan will be the new WWE Champion. Yes! Yes! Yes!
World Champion Sheamus finally joins the party to weigh in on things. Danny Boy, you still believe AJ cost you the title? Honestly fella, how many times have you been proven wrong? You talk out of your arse so much, Sheamus isn’t sure which end to look at when he’s talking. He admits Ziggler was impressive on Monday, but that was just one night. Now, he’s talking about how he’ll be the new champion. In his opinion, Alberto Del Rio’s injury has just given him another opportunity to beat Ziggler again. As for tonight, he’s pretty sure they’re all ready for the match, so let’s start it right now. AJ says that, if that’s the case, she has a little bit of business to take care of. She drops her mic and charges for Vickie, but Punk holds her back as we go to commercials.
MATCH 1: Daniel Bryan and Dolph Ziggler (w/Vickie Guerrero) vs. WWE Champion CM Punk and World Champion Sheamus (w/AJ)
Sheamus and Bryan start, and Sheamus goes into a side headlock. Shoulder off the ropes. Sheamus catches Bryan off the ropes, puts him on his shoulders and hits the rolling fireman’s carry slam for 2. Arm wringer as Punk tags in, coming off the top with an elbow to the arm. Hammerlock into the turnbuckles by Punk. Bryan gets his feet up on a corner charge and tags in Ziggler. Punk immediately trips him for a pin, but can’t get even 1. Sheamus tags in and lands the slingshot Battering Ram for 2. Arm wringer for Ziggler, and Sheamus drops a couple elbows. Bodyslam in the corner, and Punk is back in, hitting a slingshot hilo for 2. Long delayed vertical suplex by Punk gets another 2. Sheamus back in, but Ziggler ducks a clothesline and tags in Bryan. Bryan with a European uppercut, but runs into a back elbow by Sheamus. Ziggler swats at Sheamus to cause a distraction, and Bryan dropkicks him from behind. Ziggler tags in and lands some right hands and a boot. Ziggler with the jumping elbow for 1. Bryan back in with a kick to the ribs. Another European uppercut, but he runs into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Punk tags back in and hits a springboard clothesline, followed by a jumping side kick and a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Punk lands on his feet on the apron off a corner back drop, but a distraction from Ziggler allows Bryan to knock Punk to the floor. He follows up with a running knee off the apron as we go to commercials.
Back from the break, Bryan has Punk in a modified abdominal stretch. Punk fights out, but runs right into a kitchen sink. Ziggler tags in and stomps Punk. Quick tag back to Bryan, who hits the Yes! kicks to the chest. Modified butterfly suplex by Bryan, but he misses a diving headbutt from the top. Ziggler and Sheamus both tag in. Sheamus with a a pair of Irish Hammers, a running knee lift and the Irish Curse for 2 as Bryan breaks it up. Punk runs in and throws Bryan to the floor. He misses a baseball slide, and Bryan drags him to the floor, slamming him chest-first into the barricade. Ziggler misses the Rocker Dropper, and Sheamus catches him in White Noise. He knocks Bryan off the apron, then signals for the Brogue Kick. Vickie tries to distract him, so AJ shoves her into the ring. The distraction allows Ziggler to snag a schoolboy with a handful of tights and get the 3.
WINNERS: Daniel Bryan and Dolph Ziggler. Sheamus chases Ziggler through the crowd as AJ and Vickie are yelling at each other in the ring. Vickie shoves AJ, who smiles before tackling Vickie. Vickie crawls away, and AJ chases after her. She grabs Vickie by the boots, but Vickie kicks her off into the ring apron before running away. Kane makes his way out. He walks up to AJ and stares at her before picking her up and carrying her to the back. Before he makes it, Punk attacks him from behind, and they begin to brawl on the ramp. Kane throws him into the ring, where Bryan is waiting with stomps. Kane climbs in and lands chokeslams on both of them. AJ looks on from the stage before dropping to her knees. She begins looking up at the lights, then starts laughing before staring at Kane once again. AJ is easily the most marketable diva on the entire roster, at least until Kharma gets back. Good match, too, BTW.
We learn Brodus Clay will face David Otunga on the PPV online pre-show.
Brodus Clay makes his way out for the next match. Before the match starts, he says that, now that we’re done getting funky, it’s time to get down to business. John Laurinaitis has banned him from RAW. He also said if Clay gets anywhere near Big Show, he’s fired on the spot. However, he’s confident that John Cena will take care of Show at NWO. So, “Big Johnny”, he’ll agree to stay away from Show on one condition-get him some competition. Ace told that, before tonight was over, Clay would be on his back. So, who does Ace have for him? It turns out to be Heath Slater. Again.
MATCH 2: Brodus Clay (w/the Funkadactyls) vs. Heath Slater
Clay knocks him down with a headbutt to the chest. Corner whip and avalanche. Exploder suplex. Running splash. 3-count.
WINNER: Brodus Clay. Just that short. After the match, as Clay is celebrating, David Otunga runs in and chopblocks him. A few kicks to the leg before Otunga yanks on it a couple of times. A couple more kicks and a whip into the mat. Otunga drags him out and slams the leg against the ring apron before punching it a few times. Otunga climbs up and lands a jumping stomp. Otunga goes back to yanking the leg, then does an eagle spread on the legs. Despite all of this, rest assured Otunga will be squashed at the PPV.
Did You Know? The word ‘hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia’ is the longest word in the English language at 35 letters, and its definition is literally “fear of long words”.
MATCH 3: Alicia Fox vs. Beth Phoenix
WWE Divas Champion Layla is out for color commentary. Phoenix kicks Fox in the stomach, throws her to the corner and lands some punches. Fox blocks a corner whip and lands a “jumping” back elbow. She misses the flip legdrop. Phoenix misses a stomp, and Fox rolls her up for 2. Phoenix lands a backbreaker, follows up with the Glam Slam, and this one’s over.
WINNER: Beth Phoenix. It has been confirmed that Layla will defend the title against Phoenix at NWO.
We get Hornswoggle’s favorite RAW moment of all-time, which, as you would expect, was when the Muppets were on the show last year.
Lilian Garcia introduces the WWE GM John Laurinaitis, and still refers to him as the “executive vice-president of talent relations”, despite the fact that they dropped that several weeks ago, since Ace is no longer in that position in real life (that’s now Triple H’s job). Ace stops on the stage. I guess Ace forgot that he doesn’t have that position anymore as well, as he still calls himself that this week. He feels the duty to make a public apology to Vince McMahon, which he does. What happened was a mistake and, based on Vince’s age, stay away from the Big Show. He then shows the video from Monday, saying this is what will happen to everyone in the crowd if they don’t take his advice. After the video, Ace says he willingly put up his job at ‘Mania, and Team Johnny was victorious. At Over the Limit, he put his job up, and he beat John Cena. At NWO, he’s doing it again by putting his faith in the most destructive force in WWE history, the Big Show.
Show makes his way out. He says he has no reason to lie about whether he punched Vince on purpose or not. If he came out and said he did it on purpose, he’d get fired, but he’d still get paid millions of dollars to stay at home and do nothing. So, he’ll tell us the truth. In WCW, he never got to his fullest potential because he wasn’t allowed to outshine the biggest names in the company. Hogan, Sting, Ric Flair, whatever. When he became a free agent, everyone told him to sign with WWE because Vince could make him the biggest star ever. So, he did and talked to Vince. Vince told him he needed to be a better business man and put on a show. He then came up with the name “Big Show” for Paul Wight. So, for 14 years, he did it Vince’s way. Meanwhile, guys like Cena, Punk, Randy Orton and Sheamus rose to the top while he sat on the sidelines, supposed to be happy about being a “special attraction”. He even tried it Cena’s way. For 10 years, he smiled, cracked jokes and had fun with the fans. He is proud he is NOT John Cena. In the steel cage at the PPV, he’s going to make up for lost time, and show the world what he’s really made of. And the best thing, he doesn’t care what people think of him anymore. Unlike what he did to Vince, what happens to Cena will be deliberate, calculated and uncomfortable. He may be a sell-out to everyone, but this Sunday, he will make Cena suffer. For 14 years, he’s been in WWE, and he’s looking at this Sunday as his first match, and he will be victorious, guaranteed.
Michael Cole stands up and tells Ace and Show that he has it on good authority that Cena has left his home in Massachusetts, and will be here tonight. Show says that, if Cena is coming and looking for him, he won’t be hard to find. He’ll be right here.
MATCH 4: Intercontinental Champion Christian vs. Jack Swagger (w/Vickie Guerrero)
Swagger gets Christian in a waistlock, throwing him chest-first into the turnbuckles. He follows with a shoulderblock to the midsection and a corner whip. Christian counters a charge with the Pendulum and sends Swagger to the floor. Christian goes out, but gets distracted by Vickie, allowing Swagger to clothesline him. Back in the ring, Swagger gets 2 before hitting a belly-to-belly suplex and a legdrop for 2. He misses a second legrdrop, and Christian comes back with a forearm off the ropes, followed by the inside-out uppercut. Christian looks for the spear, but Swagger counters into the ankle lock. Christian manages to roll through and send Swagger into the corner, following up with a spinning European uppercut off the middle rope. Swagger blocks the Killswitch and sends Christian outside. Christian lands on his feet on the apron, then scales the turnbuckles. Swagger meets him there, but gets knocked back down. Christian hits the frog splash and gets the 3.
WINNER: Christian. Too short to be that good. It wasn’t bad by any means, but not enough time to really let these two go at it.
MATCH 5-2-on-1 Handicap Match: Ari Cohen and Mike Testa vs. Ryback
Cohen grabs the mic. He says he knows everyone thinks they are a joke. Testa says they are no joke, and this is all a joke. They do a knock-knock joke bit, saying it’s the end of Ryback. Why did the chicken to cross the road? To dominate Ryback! Before Testa can finish his “Two guys walk into a bar” joke, Ryback’s music hits. The jobbers try to corner him. He grabs Testa by the throat as Cohen jumps on his back. Ryback shoulders Testa, sending him to the floor. He then takes Cohen, puts him in electric chair position, then turns it into a spin-out powerbomb. Ryback grabs Testa off the apron, then hits an inverted fall-away slam, sending Testa into Cohen. He throws them both in the corner and hits a running clothestline on both. He drops them each with another clothesline. Double running fisherman’s suplex ends it.
Did You Know? The gummi bear was invented in 1922 by Hans Reigel in Bonn Germany, and named the manufacturing company for the candy Haribo, combining letters from his first and last name, and the name of the city they were invented in. It has been rumored that the bears are flavored with xylitol, an artificial sweetener that supposedly cavities. Tests have been done, and it has been shown that, if the bears were made with xylitol, they could actually help fight cavities and prevent tooth decay.
MATCH 6: Tyson Kidd vs. Damien Sandow
Before the match starts, we see Sandow destroying Kidd from last week. Sandow starts with a promo. Allow him to beg your indulgence for one moment. His name is Damien Sandow, and he is here to help all of you. Last week, on this very serial, he was compelled to resort to physical means, to liberate your falsely anointed idol from the shackles of his own self-imposed inadequacies. Sadly, before he could impart his lesson, he was accosted from behind by this ignoramus who stands before him. This said ignoramus will now learn the consequences of not only undermining his own enlightenment, but undermining the enlightenment of each and every one of you. You’re welcome. Love this stuff. Sandow knees Kidd in the gut and drops him with a side-Russian legsweep. Sandow hits the Elbow of Disdain for 2. Kidd slides to the apron, where lands a kick. He goes up top and hits a spinning moonsault for 2. He goes for the Sharpshooter, but Sandow kicks him off. He grabs Kidd, lands a few knee lifts and hits the straightjacket neckbreaker before floating over into the pin.
WINNER: Damien Sandow. Sandow celebrates the victory with a cartwheel before wiping Kidd’s dirt off him with his white towel.
[adinserter block=”1″]We get Michael Cole’s favorite RAW moment, where he was knighted by “Queen Elizabeth”, and made Jim Ross kiss his foot.
We see that John Cena has made it to the building. He breaks down the door to John Laurinaitis’ office, only to find he’s not there.
After the break, Cena makes his way out to the ring. He apologizes for being late. He wasn’t even supposed to be here tonight. He was on his way to the beach when he got a call from one of his boys, letting him know Big Show was calling him out. He didn’t want to disappoint, so here he is. He’s not going to hide, and he’s calling Show out right now. He’s the guy in the ring in all green and wearing jorts despite it not being 1990. He wants to know where Show is hiding right now.
Instead of Show, we get John Laurinaitis Ace says Show isn’t coming out here. What happened to Vince on RAW was all of Cena’s fault. The board of directors has sent out an edict saying NWO’s main event will happen no matter what. So, for the sake of “people power”, he’s sent Big Show home. Cena didn’t come all this way to talk. Coming tonight, one of two things was going to happen: he was either going to knock Show out, or Show would knock him out. In the chain of command who gets knocked out next, Ace just got the next spot. Ace reminds Cena he’s the executive V.P. and the WWE GM, and if Cena lays a hand on him, he’ll get fired. Cena says he can’t get fired, because the board of directors said the NWO match will happen no matter what. Ace says he’s not scared and has embarrassed him before, and he has no problem doing it again in front of Cena’s family and these people. Cena calls Ace embarrassing. He’s embarrassed Ace has a position of power in the company. He calls Ace a scooter-driving chain smoker and the worlds greatest ass-kisser. He’s bet it all on Show, and if Show loses, he’s fired, and if he’s gone, he can’t fire Cena, so there’s nothing stopping him tonight. Ace tells him that, if he does what he wants to do, and then loses at NWO, the first thing Ace will do on the next RAW is fire John Cena. Yeah, because that worked out so well when Wade Barrett got him fired. Cena reiterates what was just said, stating that no matter what, someone’s getting fired at NWO, so Cena knocks him out.
End of show.
As I said, no matter what, the main event for No Way Out will not work out. No way is Laurinaitis getting fired, especially when Show is rumored to be facing Punk for the WWE title at Summerslam, and Cena will probably “get fired”, only to show up on every single RAW every week until he gets rehired, just like last time.
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Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you next week.
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