Welcome back for the 8-5-11 edition of the WWE Friday Night Smackdown! recap. I’m your ever dapper and gracious host, Dustin, and before I get into the recap, I’d like to invite everyone-if they haven’t already-to listen to the latest edition of The Still Real to Us podcast, where the mini-feud between Yours Truly and Madison Rayne was discussed. They also discuss the current story between CM Punk, Triple H and John Cena, as well as a number of other things. It’s well worth a listen, and I encourage you all to check it out.
Tonight’s show opens with a video package for Sheamus and Mark Henry, which they announce will take place at Summerslam 2011. Amazingly, the show will be starting with a match.
MATCH 1-Sheamus vs. The Great Khali (w/Jinder Mahal)
If Sheamus doesn’t win, I riot. Okay, not really, but I’ll be unhappy. Sheamus doesn’t back down for a second, and they start with a tie-up, which Khali throws Sheamus out of. Sheamus gets some shots in, but takes a clothesline. It’s weird seeing Sheamus play a face, but whatever. I’ll give it a chance. He gets some forearm shots into the chest while Khali’s in the ropes, then hits a running knee on the apron. Sheamus up top, but Khali just slaps him down to the floor. Khali whips Sheamus back into the ring, and gets a foot to the throat. Khali gets another clothesline off an Irish whip, and is looking for the Khali Vice. Instead, he goes for a Trapezius claw. He headbutts Sheamus down and gets some kicks and chops in in the corner. Sheamus comes back with a couple of Irish hammers, but takes a back elbow. Sheamus returns with some kicks and a knee. He goes for the Brogue Kick, but Khali brain chops him down for a 2-count. Khali’s looking for the Vice again, and locks it on. Sheamus is fading, but refuses to tap. Sheamus’s breaks it and headbutts and elbows his way out. Khali’s down on one knee, and Sheamus lands a Brogue Kick to the side of the head for 3.
WINNER: Sheamus. Not a great match, but it’s Khali, so what do you expect? On the plus side, this match helped Sheamus look more like a badass, which is exactly what should have happened.
The main event tonight is R-Truth and Christian vs. Randy Orton and John Morrison. Brand extension be damned!
Wow. 2 matches in 15 minutes? What universe am I in? A.J. starts with a waistlock, but Natalya reverses. A series of reversals ends with Natalya flipping out of a headscissors. A.J. tries for a headlock, but Natalya throws her off. A.J. tries again, and gets a tornado headlock in. A.J. gets an arm drag out of a bodyscissors. Natalya with a toe hold. A.J. gets a crucifix off an Irish whip attempt, but Natalya rolls through and locks in the Sharpshooter for the tapout.
WINNER: Natalya. Very short match, but good for what it was. A.J. showed a lot of fluidity in this match, and was able to go counter-for-counter with Nattie. Natalya starts to help A.J. up, but instead throws her back down, then throws her outside. She drives A.J. back-first into the ring apron, then snap suplexes her onto the floor. Natalya grabs a mic and says to Beth Phoenix that she’s with her, and that the days of the cute, perky princesses are over. I guess all the divas with talent are turning heel. Contrary to what you might think, A.J.’s actually very solid in the ring, but I like where this is going nonetheless.
Later tonight, we get Zack Ryder’s new mini-show, “The State Of The Showski Address”. It’s Zack Ryder, so it has to be good.
Backstage, Ken Doll Striker is interviewing Randy “Melatonin” Viper. We get a recap of what Orton did last week where the announce table kicked his ass for the third time in a row. Man, I didn’t realize how short Striker was. Orton says Christian is right about his anger management issues, and the no holds barred match at Summerslam will help him get through those issues. Randy Orton says Christian will have to beat him by pinfall or submission, which he has never done. Except for, you know, those two times that Christian pinned him. Those don’t count.
We get another look at Justin Gabriel in his hometown of Cape Town, South Africa, off the recent tour. Again, nice video package, and Gabriel is definitely big there, as they show plenty of video of fans just eating him up.
Wade Barrett’s music hits and he’s on his way to the ring in his dress clothes. We get a recap of Daniel Bryan making him tap out last week. Barrett’s on commentary for the next match, and Cole makes one of the stupidest remarks ever by saying the LeBell Lock should be outlawed. Daniel Bryan hasn’t killed anyone with it, so what’s the problem? I mean, it’s not like he’s doing flying headbutts before he locks it on or anything. Commercial.
If I worked in a 7-Eleven and saw a guy in wrestling gear yelling at Slurpee cups, I’d be calling the cops immediately.
MATCH 3-Tyson Kidd vs. Daniel Bryan
Bryan’s got new music. Not sure if I like it yet or not. They start with a test of strength, which Kidd wins, but Bryan flips out of. He gets in a couple of throws, which Kidd bridges out of. Bryan flips out of a corner whip and hits the running clothesline for 2. Tyson backflips off a dropkick on the apron, but Bryan gets his own dropkick in and then connects with a suicide dive to the floor. Kidd kicks Bryan in the leg on the way back in the ring, and catches a dragon screw in the ropes. Kidd with a few stomps, and whips Bryan’s leg against the ring post. He now does the Bret Hart figure-4 on the post just before the commercial.
Back from the break and Kidd is still working on Bryan’s leg. Tyson gets a version of the Nagata Lock in. Bryan gets out and hits a beautiful modified snap suplex. Up top now, but Kidd crotches him on the top rope. Kidd goes for the superplex, but Bryan fights out and knocks Kidd down with a headbutt. He connects with a huge seated missile dropkick, and is still selling the knee. He proceeds to kick Kidd in the chest repeatedly. He goes for a kick with the bad leg, but Kidd catches it into a dragon screw and turns it into a deep half Boston Crab. Bryan breaks the hold by getting to the ropes. Kidd with a slingshot legdrop from the inside out. He goes for the springboard elbow, but Bryan gets the knees up. He goes for the LeBell lock, but Kidd reverses. They trade pin reversals several times. Kidd gets some kicks in, but Bryan answers with repeated forearms. Bryan with a roundhouse to the side of the head, and he runs into Kidd, right into the guillotine choke. Kidd taps.
WINNER: Daniel Bryan. Excellent match. I can’t say enough good about it. I hope Bryan and Barrett do get their match at Summerslam as is rumored, because it will be a damn good outing if they do.
Looks like Zack Ryder‘s segment is next, as he’s heading towards the ring.
After the break, Ryder’s out in the ring, in ring gear no less. I miss the one-legged pants. He tells us “Welcome to ‘Zackdown'”. He reminds us he’s the assistant general manager. As he talks about some coming changes, Intercontinental Champion Ezekiel Jackson begins walking down to the ring.
Oh, no. Zeke’s got a microphone. My poor ears. Zeke says he’s not mad about the handicap match last week, but does want to know why he was put in it. Supposedly, Ryder was NOT going to make it a handicap match but did anyway. This leads Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase to come out.
Rhodes’ monotone slow voice is making me drowsy. He tells Zeke he doesn’t deserves to be IC champion, and that he’s making the belt look bad. Rhodes says that once he wins the belt, he’ll resurrect the value of the IC title, as he did DiBiase’s career. Yeah. Zeke says Rhodes is using Ted, and that there’s nothing greater than freedom. Man, the IC belt looks tiny, like a kid-sized replica. Cody says Zeke’s reign as champ is a memento of mediocrity, and says that Ted needs to beat the champ out of Zeke. Ryder offers to set the match up right now, leading Teddy Long to come out.
I guess everyone’s talking tonight. Ryder’s dancing to Long’s music. Long says he doesn’t care what sounds good to Ryder, and that he’s not the assistant GM, but just Long’s personal assistant. So Ryder’s actually the assistant TO the general manager. As my wife just said, he’s the Dwight Schrute of Smackdown. Long instead makes a match between Ryder and Jackson, with Rhodes and DiBiase banned from ringside.
MATCH 4-Intercontinental Champion Ezekiel Jackson vs. Internet Champion Zack Ryder (non-title)
Cole reminds everyone that not only is the Internet Championship unrecognized, but that Ryder spent a reported $1500 on the custom title belt. He calls Ryder stupid for doing this. To hell with that. If I had an extra $1500 lying around, I’d have a custom belt made, too! Zeke dominates the first minute or two of this match, but the crowd is firmly behind Ryder. Ryder gets on offense and hits the Broski Boot for 2. Ryder gets a neckbreaker for 2. He goes for a front facelock, but Zeke throws him off and hits a couple standing avalanches, followed by a corner clothesline. He whips Ryder into the corner, but eats a boot. Ryder goes to the middle rope but is caught in a bodyslam, followed by several more. Zeke gets Ryder up into the incorrectly-named torture rack (it’s an Argentinean backbreaker) for the submission.
WINNER: Ezekiel Jackson. It was what it was. Not bad, not great. At least Ryder got some TV time and actually got some offense in. Crowd actually responded really well to him yelling “woo woo woo” during the match.
Backstage, Teddy Long is confronted by NXT season 3 Aksana, who has dyed her hair black. She wants to talk to Teddy about doing business together, and asks for his personal phone number. Cheesy faux-porn music is playing in the background as Long is playing the stereotypical tongue-tied idiot who can’t talk to women. Waste of time segment on all accounts.
Mark Henry is making his way to the ring. I guess he’s got a match next.
MATCH 5-Mark Henry vs. Vladimir Kozlov
It’s weird seeing Kozlov here since he was fired earlier today. I realize this was taped on Tuesday, but nevertheless. Kozlov’s got MMA-style gear on tonight, including gloves. That only works for Undertaker, though. Henry with a corner whip, but misses a charge. Kozlov with some shots, but Henry gets a boot up. Kozlov comes back with the trapping headbutts and a boot, but Henry no-sells and connects with the standing avalanche and a boot of his own. Henry drops Kozlov with the World’s Strongest Slam, and this one’s over. So long, Vladimir. Hell of a (bad) way to go out.
WINNER: Mark Henry. After the match, Henry goes for a chair and is going to Pillmanize Kozlov’s leg on his way out of the company. After he connects, Sheamus comes out with a chair of his own. Mark Henry peels the top of the announce desk off and throws it at Sheamus, but it bounces off the ropes instead. Henry shrugs Sheamus off and heads back up the ramp instead as the EMTs come out to further sell the leg for Kozlov. I bet once Kozlov goes home, he thinks back to when he defeated Triple H, Undertaker and several others cleanly, remember main eventing Survivor Series, and then cry himself to sleep on his huge pillow.
Backstage, John Morrison is practicing parkour before his match.
BTW, if you’re considering watching the televised version of Wrestlemania XXVII, don’t. Not only will the TV version basically be a 5-hour long music video, but this year’s ‘Mania is one of the worst pay-per-views I’ve ever seen. I wasted the money on it, but even if you watch it free, you’ll feel ripped off.
Oh, and if you believe some chef is hand-baking ever bag of Tostitos chips, you’re a tool.
Tard Grisham stops Sheamus as he’s walking around back. Sheamus talks about all the people Mark Henry’s taken out, but it won’t happen with him, as no one can take his will, and the main reason is because he’s Irish and has the luck of the Irish. It means he was born with a 24K horseshoe up his arse, and he’s planning on throwing Henry into the ocean to swim with Shamu and all of his other friends. It was a better promo than it sounds, trust me. Sheamus is actually quite good.
MATCH 6-Six-Man Tag Team Match: JTG and WWE Tag Team Champions Michael McGillicutty and David Otunga vs. Trent Barreta and the Usos
Guess they decided to needlessly change the spelling of Barreta’s name. And JTG is a heel now. Makes sense because…well…honestly, I have no idea. Maybe it doesn’t. I don’t care either way, as I have no interest in JTG. Jey and JTG start. Jey gets JTG in the corner, tags in Jimmy, and Jimmy gets a shot for 2. JTG counters and gets Jimmy into his corner. Michael tags in and gets some shots. Now Otunga’s in, and they hit a pair of corner shots for 2. Jimmy gets back up, but gets whipped down. Otunga hits a clothesline, then tags in Michael, who gets a running knee lift for 2. He tags Otunga back in, and they do some clubbering for another 2. Otunga with a chinlock. Jimmy catches a mule kick to the gut and tags in Barreta. Michael tags in and gets some back elbows, an enziguri and a running kick for 2. The Usos are brawling with Otunga and JTG outside. Barreta goes for a top rope flip (not sure the name of it; think Jeff Hardy’s Whisper in the Wind), but Michael moves out of the way. He picks Barreta up into backbreaker position, tags in Otunga, and they do the worst version of the Demolition Decapitation I’ve ever seen to get the 3.
WINNERS: JTG, Michael McGillicutty and David Otunga. Other than having a celebrity wife being good for business, why do McMahon and company love Otunga so much? He is just piss-poor in everything he does. Look at him doing the elbow drop to finish this match and tell me it’s not the worst elbow you’ve ever seen. I dare you. How in the hell do you screw up something as rudimentary as an elbow drop? I’ve seen kids play-wrestling in their yards who drop better elbows.
Did You Know? The WWE has more followers on Twitter than other corporations you don’t care about.
Johnny Curtis is cutting another promo. He says the time for playing is over, because the writing is on the wall. The camera shoots to a blackboard that says Johnny Curtis will debut next week. You can hear the sound of crickets chirping. I mean that literally, as they use the cricket chirp sound effect for this.
We get a recap from Monday Night Raw. Again, check out Justin Henry’s fine column for further detail.
We now get an interview with Christian. He says he’s disappointed with the match at Summerslam, but not surprised. He says Orton’s had everyone in his back pocket to be their champion, including Triple H. He’s cut off by R-Truth, who says it’s a conspiracy. R-Truth says to not let all the little Jimmys fool him, and he’s a good R-Truth. Randy Orton’s gonna get got, and that’s the truth. Christian asks who the hell little Jimmy is.
MATCH 7-Randy Orton and John Morrison vs. R-Truth and World Champion Christian
Orton and Truth start the match off. Truth gets some shots in and backs Orton into the corner. Truth with some stomps, but Orton no-sells and kicks Truth, followed by a clothesline and a stomp. Morrison tags in, which causes Truth to immediately tag out to Christian. Morrison with a side headlock on Christian, followed by a dropkick of an Irish whip for 2. Christian gets a kick out of the corner and an uppercut. Morrison reverses a whip attempt and connects with a Flash Kick for 2. Christian gets the reverse hotshot on the apron, and is now kicking and punching. He tags in Truth and he trades some shots with Morrison before dominating with some punches. Truth goes for the Osaka street cutter, but Morrison reverses out and catches a jumping side kick and the running knee for 2. Christian tries to get in, but Orton chases him out around the ring, chasing Christian into the crowd as we go to commercial.
Dad from WWE action figure commercial: “Honey, that’s no action figure. That’s WWE superstar Randy Orton!” Good call, guy. Action figures are more animated.
WINNERS: Christian and R-Truth. Actually, a pretty solid match. R-Truth’s offense needs to consist of more than kicks and punches, though.
End of show.
That does it for this week. The main event was decent, but the show stealer was definitely Daniel Bryan vs. Tyson Kidd. The WWE Divas match actually looked pretty good, but needed to be much longer. It was over in seemingly less than 2 minutes, despite it actually being pretty competitive. What is wrong with a longer divas match when the two wrestlers are actually talented? I don’t get it. The rest of the show was pretty average fare, although Barrett on commentary was nice and Sheamus looked good in his match.
Full WWE SmackDown August 5 Results…
Sheamus beat Great Khali
Natalya beat A.J.
Daniel Bryan defeated Tyson Kidd
Ezekiel Jackson beat Zack Ryder in a non-title match
Mark Henry beat Vladimir Kozlov
Michael McGillicutty and David Otunga and JTG beat The Uso Brothers and Trent Barreta in a six-man tag
Christian and R-Truth beat Randy Orton and John Morrison
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Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you next week.