Greetings and salutations, everyone. Welcome to the 8/26/11 edition of Smackdown. I don’t really have anything to rant about to start the column this week, so we’ll just move on. I will say, however, that, for you video game fans, I should have two video game reviews up-L.A. Noire and 999: Nine Hours, Nine Persons, Nine Doors-within the next week on my personal blog as well as a review here on CCB for WWE All-Stars on PS3. Expect a review for the latest for “OMG! The Top 50 Incidents in WWE History” within the next few days here at CCB as well. Anyway, enough shameless self-promotion (for now). Time to start the recap.
The show opens with a recap video of Mark Henry winning the battle royal last week to become the #1 contender to the world title.
The show is coming to you from Calgary…Alberta, Canada. The main event will be Summerslam rematch between Mark Henry and Sheamus.
Bret Hart makes his way to the ring. For those that didn’t see it on the interwebs this week, Hart will be the guest General Manager for the evening. I’m fine with that. I mean, just about anything is an improvement over Teddy Long, but this is Bret f***ing Hart! How do you not love this man?
Christian’s music hits, and he’s got a mic in hand. Christian says he wants to make something perfectly clear, and that it wasn’t his fault that he lost at Summerslam, and that he blames only one person for that. Snitsky? No, he blames Edge. He says Edge’s words at Summerslam got him distracted, which cost him the belt. Christian says that, as the former World Champion, he’s entitled to a rematch, and that he wants his match on Tuesday’s Smackdown.
Bret says Christian doesn’t listen to his friends very well. Edge gave him the best advice ever, and that Christian needs to stop being a crybaby because he’s becoming an embarrassment to everyone and everything, including Canada. Bret tells Christian to do everyone, including himself, a favor, and that’s start at the bottom and work his way back to the top like a man. Christian says embarrassing is guys like Bret and Edge not being able to cope with their careers being over. Christian says that Bret and Edge can’t stand the fact that he’s the only Canadian that’s still relevant. He also says he has something with him, and hands Bret a folded up piece of paper. Christian informs us it’s a legal document that states no WWE superstar gets a World title match before he gets his. Bret says that’s fine, and that Christian will get his rematch on Tuesday, but what kind of match? Bret makes it a steel cage match.
Mark Henry makes his way down to the ring. I’m guessing his match with Orton will in fact take place at Night of Champions instead? Henry informs us that he’s been with WWE for 15 years yet still has to deal with blatant disrespect. He earned his title match last week, and if he doesn’t get it, someone’s going to get hurt. Mark says he wants the winner of next week’s cage match, and that as much as he respects Bret Hart, he can’t be held responsible when he gets angry, or for what he might do to Bret or anyone else.
Cue my man Sheamus. Sheamus has another story for us. He talks about how his uncle used to own a farm, and that the farm had a big, mean black bull. One day, his uncle had enough and had the bull castrated, leading to Sheamus saying “Don’t make me do the same to you.” Sheamus climbs in the ring and knocks Henry to the floor with a few Irish hammers.
Tonight, Ted DiBiase will be squashed by Randy Orton.
You will enjoy the WWE “OMG!” DVD. It turned out to be surprisingly entertaining. Review coming soon.
MATCH 1: Christian vs. Daniel Bryan
We are informed Bret Hart set this match up during the commercial break. He’s already off to a great start. Before the match begins, we get a highlight video of Daniel Bryan doing what he does best-wrestling. Match starts with a tie-up. Bryan back Christian into the corner, but Christian gets a waist lock into a headlock. A couple of leap frogs get traded until Christian hits a kick and an uppercut. Bryan lands on his feet out of a monkey flip, hits a dragon screw and a corner dropkick for 2. Christian fires off another uppercut. Bryan blocks one from the floor, hits a dropkick and a suicide dive to the floor. Back in the ring, Bryan locks in a surfboard, keeping the right shoulder up. He rolls back into a nearfall. Bryan with a corner whip, but Christian hits a dropkick off the charge. Bryan fires off some kicks, but misses a corner charge into the pendulum kick by Christian. Christian back drops Bryan to the floor as we go to commercial.
A commercial for “Killer Elite”, followed by a commercial for “Deus Ex: Human Revolution”? Yes, please.
Back from the break and Christian hits a snapmare into a neck vice. Bryan fights out with some elbows, but runs into an elbow off the ropes for 2. Christian with a foot choke, but breaks before 5. Bryan hits some European uppercuts, but gets kicked in the gut. Christian throws Bryan over the top rope, but Bryan lands on his feet, scales the ropes and hits the seated missile dropkick for 2. Bryan with more European uppercuts. He ducks a clothesline and hits a running clothesline of his own. Bryan hits two kicks but misses the roundhouse. Christian slides out of a corner charge and tries the pendulum again, but Bryan catches his feet and kicks him a few times. Bryan with a knee drop from the second rope as Christian was still suspended in the ropes. Bryan gets tripped up into the ropes on a charge. Christian stands on Bryan’s back and then jumps to the outside for an uppercut. Christian goes for the spear, but Bryan kicks him in the face. After a couple of reversals in the corner, Bryan hits a roundhouse kick for 2. He puts Christian on the top rope and tries the hurricanrana, but Christian holds onto the ropes, following it up with a tornado DDT for 2. Someone’s bleeding, as Christian’s got blood on his shoulder. Christian looks for the Killswitch, but Bryan reverses into the LeBell Lock. Christian gets his foot on the bottom rope to break it. Bryan goes for a corner dropkick, but Christian rolls out of the way, sending Bryan crashing into the mat off the ropes. One Killswitch later, and this one’s over.
WINNER: Christian. Really good match, but what else did you expect from these two?
Backstage, Aksana introduces herself, and invites everyone to turn her on to Super Smackdown next Tuesday. Yeah, whatever.
MATCH 2: Wade Barrett vs. ???
Before the match, Barrett tells us he’s orchestrated attacks on nearly everyone in the past. He’s insulted as a man and as a competitor to have to face this random guy that he’s facing. Barrett immediately leaves the ring and heads to the back. We never do learn the other guy’s name.
WINNER: No contest. Not sure who this guy was, or what the point of this segment. I hope this leads to something bigger for Barrett.
RAW recap time. See you when I get back from from using the biffy.
MATCH 3: Sin Cara vs. Heath Slater
Yes, this is still Hunico playing the role. Looks like Mistico (the original Sin Cara) was on quite a botch fest at this taping and was sent home. He may not be back. Slater has horrible generic music now. We learn that Sin Cara will face WWE Champion Alberto Del Rio this Tuesday. Slater starts off stomping Cara down to the mat. He hits a bodyslam, but misses an elbow. Cara hits a spinning head scissors, a dropkick and a somersault plancha into the corner. Cara gets 2 off a headbutt off the top rope. Cara back drops Slater to the ring apron, then dropkicks him to the floor and follows up with a top rope plancha. Cara throws Slater back into the ring and hits a springboard somersault senton and immediately follows it up with a Lionsault to get the 3.
WINNER: Sin Cara. Total squash match. I expect Slater to be future endeavored by Wrestlemania at the latest.
We get another recap video from last week. This time, Orton hitting DiBiase with the RKO. Looks like the Orton/DiBiase match is next.
MATCH 4: World Champion Randy Orton vs. Ted DiBiase (w/Intercontinental Champion Cody Rhodes and bag boys) (non-title)
Wow, Ted doesn’t even get to come out to his own music, but comes out to Rhodes’ instead. Rhodes says he performs miracles and is resurrecting the status of the IC Championship and the career of Ted DiBiase, because he believes in miracles. Yeah. Match starts with a tie-up. Orton gets in a headlock into a hip throw for one. DiBiase reverses into a head scissors into a hip throw of his own. DiBiase knocks Orton down off a shoulder block and goes back to the headlock. Orton reverses into his own headlock and gets a shoulder block. DiBiase gets a boot up, but Orton comes back with a dropkick for 1. DiBiase back to the headlock. You can tell he was trained by Orton on the fine art of headlocking. Orton gets his own headlock in, but DiBiase backs him into the corner and gets some stomps. Orton kicks back. DiBiase reverses a corner whip, but comes back with a clothesline and a stomp. Orton stomps DiBiase in the gut and puts on the oh-so-impressive chinlock. DiBiase elbows out, but Orton comes back with a forearm. DiBiase answers with the reverse direction clothesline, a knee drop and some punches. DiBiase with a snapmare and a kick to the face for 2. DiBiase goes for a standing dropkick, but Orton catches him and catapults him into the corner. A couple of clotheslines before Orton hits the world’s worst Thesz press. He goes for the suspended DDT, but Rhodes gets on the apron. Orton knocks him off and hip tosses DiBiase back into the ring. He goes after Rhodes on the outside, but DiBiase hits a baseball slide dropkick, knocking both Rhodes and Orton down as we go to commercial.
Back from the break and DiBiase has a chinlock on Orton. He hits a quick backbreaker and a dropkick for 2. During the break, DiBiase drove Orton back-first into the apron. DiBiase’s up top, but Orton punches him down. They trade some shots until Orton takes control. GO figures. He climbs up to the middle rope and hits a headbutt. Orton hits a superplex from the middle rope for 2. Orton’s head is busted open. He hits a boot and two more clotheslines. He ducks a clothesline from DiBiase and snaps off a powerslam. DiBiase kicks off a corner charge. Orton tries to go for the 3.0, but DiBiase turns it into a schoolboy for 2. DiBiase hits the rydeen bomb for another 2. He’s looking for Dream Street now, but Orton fights out and hits a European uppercut and the suspended DDT. Orton pounds his fists, signaling for the RKO. DiBiase turns it into a Dream Street attempt, but Orton rolls out. DiBiase looks for the reverse direction clothesline again, but Orton ducks. DiBiase turns around into the RKO for the 3.
WINNER: Randy Orton. Very predictable. Chinlocks and headlocks galore here. Anyone else think Orton’s stiff-arm clotheslines look like hell?
Rhodes is in the ring now. Is this where he turns on DiBiase? He pulls DiBiase up by the hand, then immediately hits him with Cross Rhodes. Can I call it or what? Rhodes then puts a bag over DiBiase’s head.
MATCH 5: Tamina vs. WWE Divas Champion Kelly Kelly (non-title)
Earlier today, Natalya recorded a promo. She called Kelly WWE’s Barbie Doll, and says she doesn’t play with dolls. True story, Kelly’s real first name is Barbie. The comedy writes itself. Tamina gets some shots in, but Kelly comes back with a Thesz Press and then slaps Tamina on the butt. Wow, that’s effective. She hits her screaming headscissors, and a headscissors lock on the apron. Tamina pushes her off and knocks her down. Tamina with a bodyslam and a modified chinlock. Kelly throws her off and then kicks Tamina in the knee. She slams Tamina’s head into the mat as she screams. Kelly with a crappy bulldog. She does a sloppy handspring elbow into the corner and a stinkface. She goes for a middle rope cross body, but Tamina catches her. She goes for a powerslam, but Kelly slides out, kicks Tamina in the stomach and hits the Kelly Killer to end this one.
WINNER: Kelly Kelly. What did you expect? Despite having way more talent than Kelly in every possible way, she hasn’t even been pushed once since debuting on TV. Meanwhile, Kelly refuses to take Ex-Lax and is pushed as the top woman in the company.
Matt Striker interviews Jinder Mahal, with Great Khali. Mahal says Khali’s ego got in the way during the battle royal last week, causing Mahal to get eliminated. How does that work? Mahal says Khali will dominate Ezekiel Jackson tonight. Yeah, that’ll be the day.
Khali and Jinder Mahal are entering the ring as we come back from break. This bodes well for Khali, don’t you think?
MATCH 6: The Great Khali (w/Jinder Mahal) vs. Ezekiel Jackson
For some reason, there’s a microphone laying on the ring steps. Please don’t let anyone involved in this match talk. Please. They start with a tie-up, and Khali throws Zeke to the ground. Zeke hits some shots, but is knocked down with a clothesline. Khali gets a chop to the chest in the corner and another clothesline sends Zeke back down. Khali locks in the trapezius lock, but Zeke elbows out and hits a clothesline into the corner and an avalanche. Khali comes back with a back elbow and a boot. Khali locks in the Khali Vice, but Zeke breaks out. Khali tries for it again, but Zeke gets to the ropes. Behind the ref’s back, Mahal hits Zeke. Zeke starts to go after Mahal as Khali tries to attack from behind, but Zeke side steps Khali, letting Mahal catch the brain chop. Zeke picks Khali up for the Argentinean backbreaker and gets the submission.
WINNER: Ezekiel Jackson. Look who was in the match. What were you expecting? The push for Khali and Mahal appears to be over before it even really began. Not that I’m complaining.
In the locker room, Todd Grisham asks Orton about his match with Christian next week. Orton says Christian is like a nightmare that won’t go away, but Christian is nothing he can’t handle. He says that, after he takes Christian’s pride, it’s onto Mark Henry. He doesn’t underestimate Mark Henry, and his opponents should never underestimate him. Thrilling.
Speaking of thrilling, we are “treated” to yet ANOTHER Mark Henry video package. Watching this video, how much do you want to bet Johnny Curtis winds up like Kizarny where he makes a handful of appearances and then disappears with nary a whimper?
Mark Henry vs. Sheamus is up next.
MATCH 7: Mark Henry vs. Sheamus
Poor Sheamus. I just know he has to do the job to Henry again. I can feel it. They start with a tie-up, and Henry throws Sheamus down. I think I’ve used variations on that sentence a lot tonight. Another tie-up, and another knock down from Henry. Sheamus gets some forearms in, but Henry gets a corner whip. Sheamus gets his boot up, then hits Henry’s left knee a few times. Sheamus clubbers Henry to the mat, then hits a nasty running knee into the corner for 2. Henry telegraphs a back body drop, but manages to hit a big boot. Henry with an avalanche in the corner and a backbreaker for 2. Mark Henry whips Sheamus sternum-first into the corner (think Bret Hart), and then stands on Sheamus’ stomach while holding onto the ropes. Sheamus lands some shots, but eats a headbutt. Henry stands on Sheamus’ right hand before locking in a bearhug. Sheamus headbutts his way out and falls back into the corner. He back elbows Henry on a charge and goes up to the middle rope. Henry grabs Sheamus off the ropes for a gorilla press, but Sheamus reverses it into a nice-looking spinning DDT. Sheamus hits a trio of Irish hammers, then ties Henry up in the ropes and hits a bunch of forearms to Henry’s chest, followed by a trio of running knee lifts on the apron. Sheamus climbs to the top rope and lands a big shoulder block for 2. Henry slides outside, but as Sheamus goes to pull him back in, Henry pulls Sheamus out over his head to the floor. He throws Sheamus into the barricade, and then begins to tear the announce table apart. Henry’s looking for the World’s Strongest Slam, but Sheamus slides out and Brogue Kick’s Henry over the announce table. Sheamus slides back in as the ref continues to count. Henry gets up just as the ref counts to 10.
End of show.
Well, that does it for another week. The opening match was great, and thanks to Sheamus, the main event was far better than it had any right to be. Everything in the middle sucked, though.
Full WWE Friday Night SmackDown August 26 Results…
Christian defeated Daniel Bryan
Sin Cara beat Heath Slater
Randy Orton defeated Ted DiBiase
Kelly Kelly beat Tamina
Ezekiel Jackson defeated The Great Khali
Sheamus defeated Mark Henry by countout
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Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you next week.