This week’s WWE Friday Night SmackDown is Worcester, MA, and opens up with the New-Age Outlaws heading to the ring for the opening match.
The Miz is on commentary for the entire show. Godf*ckingdammit all to hell.
Before the Outlaws’ opponents come out, they do their DX shtick.
MATCH 1: The New-Age Outlaws (Billy Gunn and the Road Dogg) vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Goldust and Cody Rhodes (non-title)
Goldust and Dogg start the match, with Dogg backing Goldust into the corner. He misses a right, and Goldust nails him with an uppercut. Dogg offers a handshake, then boots Goldust before hitting the Juke & Jive. Goldust dodges the final punch and nails an uppercut. Dogg comes back with a boot out of the corner before Goldust hits a springboard back elbow. Gunn tags in and nails Goldust from behind, but Goldust backdrops him to the floor. Gunn is back in, and he tags in Dogg. Rhodes nails him from the apron, and Goldust hits a powerslam. Rhodes and Gunn tag in. Rhodes hits a couple of clotheslines and the Goldust Uppercut. He catches Gunn with an Oklahoma Roll out of the corner. Gunn rolls through, so Rhodes nails him with a high knee. Dogg runs interference, but Rhodes kicks him before hitting a double springboard dropkick. He covers Gunn for 2, but Dogg breaks that up. Goldust clotheslines him to the floor. Back in the ring, Gunn hits a boot and goes for the Fameasser. Rhodes dodges it and goes for Cross Rhodes. Gunn snapmares out and hits a tilt-a-whirl powerslam for 2. Gun goes for the Fameasser again, but Rhodes once again escapes and hits the Disaster Kick. Vickie Guerrero comes out and apologizes for interrupting. She is here to remind everyone that, in nine days, we will have the Royal Rumble Match, with every man for themselves, including brother against brother. As Rhodes is listening to this, Gunn rolls him up in a schoolboy for 3.
WINNERS: The New-Age Outlaws.
MATCH 2: Alberto Del Rio vs. Rey Mysterio
Before the match, Mysterio says ADR got the best of him on RAW, but he can see in ADR’s eyes he’s worried about Batista returning to RAW, and he should be worried about Mysterio tonight. ADR attacks him after the bell, stomping him down to the mat. He rips Mysterio’s shirt up, but then misses a kick against the ropes, sliding to through them and to the floor. Mysterio dropkicks him through the ropes and hits a baseball slide splash on the floor. Mysterio rolls ADR back into the ring, shoulders him through the ropes, then climbs up top. ADR crotches him, causing him to fall into the tree of woe. ADR hits a step-up enziguri, connecting with Mysterio’s midsection. He follows up with a snapmare and a kick to the spine for 2. A rear chinlock is applied now, and ADR breaks it to apply a bodyscissors instead, shoving at the back of Mysterio’s head at the same time. Mysterio elbows his way out and hits an enziguri, knocking ADR into the middle rope. He goes for the 619, but ADR sees it coming and nails a clothesline for 2. He pepper’s Mysterio’s head with rights, then sets him on the top rope. He begins ripping Mysterio’s mask off his head, then drops him back down into the tree of woe. Mysterio pulls himself up, avoiding a running shoulder thrust. ADR collides with the ring post, and Mysterio connects with a somersault plancha from the top rope for 2. ADR recovers and kicks the back of Mysterio’s leg, then hits a leg DDT for 2. Back to the rear chinlock now, but Mysterio breaks it with a series of reverse double axe handles. ADR shakes it off and sets Mysterio on the top rope once more, looking for a superplex. Mysterio fights him off, knocking him back down to the mat. Mysterio comes off the top with a cannonball, ducks a clothesline and sends ADR into the ropes with a spinning headscissors. ADR once again sees the 619 coming and hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for 2. He headbutts Mysterio and goes for a sunset flip. Mysterio rolls through and nails a kick to the head for 2. Mysterio heads up top again, and ADR drops him with a step-up enziguri for 2. ADR calls for the jujigatame, but Mysterio escapes, kicks ADR out of the corner and hits a tornado DDT for 2. ADR comes back with a double-knee armbreaker, then locks in the rolling jujigatame. Mysterio rolls through and hits an arm drag into the ropes. He connects with the 619 and goes up top for Dropping the Dime. ADR gets his knees up, blocking the move. ADR misses a thrust kick, and Mysterio stacks him up with a schoolboy for 3.
WINNER: Rey Mysterio. After the match, ADR dropkicks him into the buckles, then pounds him with rights. He applies the rolling jujigatame, breaking the hold after a minute to taunt the crowd.
The Wyatt Family make their way down to the ring, and the lights remain off save for a spotlight. Bray Wyatt says that, as a child, he wanted nothing more in life than to be powerful like his father. He did his best to appease his dad. He tried to be just like him, but it was never good enough. He was never there for Wyatt. Listen to these sheeple. Bleat, bleat, bleat…his father, instead of entrusting him with the kingdom, he betrayed Wyatt. He deceived him. He cast Wyatt out to walk amongst the sheep as one of them. But Wyatt always knew he was destined for greater things. So, as he lay down in that black hole, gasping for air, calling for help, she saved him. Abigail saved him. She gave him hope and sang him the sweetest songs he had ever heard. He became enthralled with her beauty and obsessed with her power. She told him that, on his path to righteousness and purity, he would be deceived again. So, as he laid down on Monday, Wyatt looked into his eyes. He saw it. He felt it. He knew this was what she was talking about. He had to sacrifice himself so that he may be resurrected into the creature he was born to be. Did you really think you could hurt him? He is already dead. Your foolish attempt to stab him in the back, how could you be so simple? He does not bleed like you. Daniel Bryan was given every chance to walk with the reapers. Now, he will burn with the saints. Follow the buzzards.
Renee Young is once again with CM Punk. Earlier tonight, Punk said he was going to call out the Shield, but now she’s hearing he also wants to call out the New-Age Outlaws. Which one is it? Punk says it’s both. He’s calling out all five superstars: Seth Rollins, Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns, Billy Gunn and the Road Dogg. She asks if it’s career suicide. He says that it’s actually a gift. He’s giving the Authority the opportunity to do what they want and try to shut him up. Some day, he’ll get what he wants.
MATCH 3: Naomi (w/Cameron) vs. Tamina Snuka (w/WWE Divas Champion AJ Lee)
We see Emma in the crowd, similar to Monday night. Naomi nails a few forearms before Tamina ducks another one and grabs Naomi. She sets her on the middle of the top rope before knocking her to the floor with a forearm shot. Tamina throws Naomi back in the ring and gives her a nasty pancake for 2. She applies a rear chinlock on Naomi, also pressing her knee into Naomi’s neck. She breaks the hold, then catapults her into the second rope. In the corner, Tamina slings Naomi back-first onto the mat. Naomi comes back with some shots, ducks a clothesline and hits a jumping side kick. She ducks another clothesline and hits a full-nelson bomb. Instead of going for the pin, she turns her attention to AJ, who is on the apron. AJ drops down to the floor, and that’s when Cameron tackles her. In the ring, Tamina knocks Naomi down in the ring and goes for Cameron. Naomi recovers and rolls Tamina up in a schoolgirl for 2. She ducks a clothesline and hits an enziguri before hitting a split-legged moonsault for 3.
We get an extremely touching video tribute to Mae Young.
Paul Heyman makes his way down to the ring. He introduces himself to the crowd, and he stands before them tonight as the advocate for the “Beast Incarnate”, as well as the obvious #1 contender for the WWE World Championship, Brock Lesnar. It’s a shame he has to drag himself here to SmackDown, but he needs to address the Big Show hurling Lesnar across the ring. It’s demonstrative of the conspiracy theory that Lesnar has been subjected to since day one. Lesnar got into a fight with the “World’s Strongest Man” Mark Henry, and after living his mantra, Lesnar was attacked by Show. Show gave the misleading impression he could be physically dominant over Lesnar. Come on. Show admittedly is 7 feet tall and almost 430-some odd pounds. But make no mistake about it, Lesnar will conquer Show. He has been through many wars, and all of them with Lesnar by his side. Though he walks through the valley of the giant, he fears no evil, for Lesnar will walk right next to him, which is why Show may try that with Zeb Colter, but he’ll never try that with Heyman. Not because he sweats Heyman; because of who Heyman is with, who will be in the arena on RAW to…
Show marches down to the ring, and Heyman yells for him to stop on the ramp. Show stops, then charges the ring. Heyman bails and begins running through the crowd. Show says he thought Heyman wasn’t scared. He knows both Heyman and Lesnar are afraid. Show wants to remind them both of why they should run in fear. We then go to the video of Show hurling Lesnar across the ring during “Old School RAW”. Back to the arena, Show says that Heyman forgets that Show knows him. He was a Heyman Guy before it was even cool. He knows Heyman is scared and lying through his yellow teeth. Show has a message for Lesnar: at the Royal Rumble, he’s knocking Lesnar out.
WWE now has this obnoxious bit where the divas film segments announcing upcoming matches. This one with the Bella Twins is making my ears bleed.
MATCH 4: Intercontinental Champion Big E. Langston vs. Fandango (w/Summer Rae)
Fandango hits a knee lift and a right to the face. Langston shakes it off and hits a big backbreaker, causing Fandango to roll to the floor. Back in, Langston goes for another backbreaker, but Fandango escapes, hits a few rights and a European uppercut. They crisscross until Langston hits a shoulderblock. He follows up with a running shoulder thrust in the corner. On the second attempt, Fandango blocks it with his knees and boots Langston to the floor. Outside, Fandango grabs Langston by the arm and yanks him shoulder-first into the ring post before throwing him into the barricade. Back in the ring, Fandango continues to work on Langston’s arm before peppering him with rights. He applies an armbar now, but Langston shoves him off. Fandango nails a dropkick for 1, then hits a short-arm clothesline before going back to the armbar. Langston neck-bridges himself up and breaks the hold by slinging Fandango to the floor. Langston knocks him off the apron as he gets back up. Back in the ring, Langston hits two clotheslines and a belly-to-belly suplex before connecting with the Warrior Splash to Fandango’s back. He goes for the Big Ending, but Fandango escapes before hitting a kick to the bad arm. He comes off the middle rope, but Langston nails a gut shot and another clothesline. The Big Ending connects for 3.
WINNER: Big E. Langston.
Renee Young is standing by with the Shield. She asks about them all being in the Royal Rumble, and if they have a plan to stay together as a unit in that match. Dean Ambrose says the Shield is a finely-crafted machine that doesn’t break down. The real question is how the other 27 superstars in the Rumble are going to compete against the most dominant unit in WWE? Trust him, darlin’. They’re on the same page. She asks if it came down to it and he had to throw Seth Rollins out to go onto Wrestlemania and fight for the WWE World Championship, would he do it? Ambrose asks if he looks like a trustworthy person, then says these are his best friends. He could never bring himself to do something like that. Rollins says that’s kind of Ambrose, but he couldn’t throw Rollins out if his life depended on it. He, on the other hand, would have no problem throwing Ambrose out. Ambrose says he was kidding, of course he’d throw Rollins out and send him sailing. Roman Reigns steps in between the two and says he’d throw both of them out in an instant. Regardless, one of them is winning the Rumble. They’ll still be united, and they’ll still be the Shield.
The Real Americans make their way out, and Zeb Colter is in a neckbrace & wheelchair as a result of this past Monday night on RAW. He asks if the crowd thinks this is funny, then says it’s not, because he’s in pain thanks to a big bully by the name of the Big Show who saw fit to attack a defenseless 40-year war veteran. He hopes Brock Lesnar treats Show the same way Show treated him.
MATCH 5: The Real Americans (Antonio Cesaro and Jack Swagger, w/Zeb Colter) vs. The Usos (Jey and Jimmy)
Both Usos are bandaged up from the cage match on RAW. Swagger and Jimmy start the match with a lock-up. Jimmy applies an arm wringer, then lands a couple of chops. Swagger comes back with a kneelift and throws Jimmy to the corner. He nails Jimmy with a right and tags in Cesaro, who boots Jimmy and lands a running shoulder thrust. He follows up with a European uppercut and tags in Swagger, who hits a few more kneelifts. Cesaro is back in, and he boots Jimmy before tagging in Swagger. Jimmy fights Swagger off, but gets thrown into the adjacent corner. Cesaro tags in and Swagger throws him over his own head into a corner splash for 2. Cesaro assaults Jimmy in the corner with body shots, then kicks him in the ribs before applying an abdominal stretch. Jimmy counters with a beal, and Swagger tags in, dropping a double axe handle on Jimmy’s ribs to prevent the tag. He stands on the ribs for a moment near the corner, then hits the Swagger Bomb. Cesaro tags himself in while Swagger’s in mid-air, and he comes in to hit a leapfrog double-stomp for another 2. Cesaro has a waistlock applied now, but Jimmy elbows out. Cesaro recovers and hits a kitchen sink before tagging in Swagger, who drops an elbow for 2. Jimmy comes back with a series of uppercuts and chops, but it’s short-lived as Swagger rams him into the corner. Cesaro tags in and hits a hook to the ribs for 1 before going back to the waistlock. Jimmy elbows out and counters a kitchen sink with a schoolboy for 2. Cesaro prevents the tag with a spinebuster, then locks in the Cesaro Swing for 10 revolutions. Swagger tags in and hits a quick belly-to-belly suplex for 2 before applying a front chancery. Jimmy breaks free with some gut shots before getting shoved into the corner. He blocks a charging Swagger with a kick, then knocks Cesaro off the apron with a thrust kick. Up top, Jimmy hits a corkscrew moonsault. Jey tags in, hits a couple of clotheslines, a mule kick and an uppercut. He comes off the ropes with a flying shoulderblock, then nails Swagger with a running hip bump in the corner for 2. Swagger blocks a superkick, but gets caught with a Samoan drop for 2 as Cesaro breaks it up. He boots Jimmy off the apron, but then gets dumped to the floor by Jey. Jey turns around, and Swagger snags him in the Patriot Lock. Jimmy is back in, and he drops Swagger with a superkick. Cesaro is back in, and he gets sent to the floor with an uppercut. Jimmy gives chase, but Cesaro pulls Zeb in front of him at ringside. Jimmy trips over Zeb’s foot and goes into the announce desk. He manages to recover and send Cesaro into the barricade. He grabs Zeb’s wheelchair and rams him into Cesaro, knocking him out of the chair in the process. In the ring, Jey picks Swagger up in an electric chair and drops him before tagging in Jimmy, who hits the Samoan Splash for 3.
WINNERS: The Usos.
CM Punk makes his way down to the ring. He’s not out here because he’s a masochist. He’s out here because, unlike the Authority, he’s not a coward. He doesn’t need to hide behind an army, and he doesn’t need to hire multiple people to fight his battles. He’s also not an idiot. Obviously, he’s surely going to get slaughtered, but he’d rather not wait around. He’d rather just get it out. It doesn’t matter if he calls out the Shield, the New-Age Outlaws, the in-laws, the Ultimate Warrior, the Dingo Warrior, the Road Warriors, or anyone else. It doesn’t matter what he does, because the Authority just wants to shut him up. When he talks, people listen, and that is real power. Let’s clear the air right now. When he says “Authority”, he specifically means Triple H, someone who lucked into his position of power and uses that power to firmly press down his boot heel on any superstar he sees fit to feed his ego. Trips is someone who hides behind his wife or the Shield.
Some pyro goes off, and Kane marches down to the ring, ordering everyone to stand down. He says the Authority doesn’t want it this way. There has clearly been a misunderstanding here. Punk, your anger is misplaced, and frankly, your paranoia is getting the better of you. The Authority has never been against you. They want you to main-event Wrestlemania. That’s why you were entered in to the Rumble. In fact, the Authority has said that, from now on, Kane’s top directive is to treat Punk justly and with the respect he deserves. And that’s exactly what’s going to happen, and you have his word as Director of Operations. Kane leaves, and tells the Outlaws that they all need to get out of here. Punk yells for Kane and asks if he has his word. Kane stops. Punk says that used to mean something, but now, that word means nothing coming from a 7 foot-tall, sellout suck-up. Kane turns around and says, “Get him, boys.” The five surround the ring once more, and Punk tries to get them all to back off. A moment later, Kane enters the ring and hits Punk with a chokeslam.
End of show.
Dustin Nichols is a freelance writer, and you can keep track of all of his work on his Facebook page, which can be found at www.facebook.com/DustinNicholsWriter. Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out his mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:
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