MATCH 1: The Real Americans (Cesaro and Jack Swagger, w/Zeb Colter) vs. Intercontinental Champion Big E and Mark Henry
E and Swagger start with a lock-up. They jockey for position until Swagger backs E into the corner. E blocks a kick and hits an overhead belly-to-belly. Cesaro gets knocked off the apron and Swagger receives a running shoulder in the corner. Henry tags in as E hits an avalanche. Henry lands a pair of headbutts, then sends Swagger chest-first into the buckles. Swagger blocks a charge, but then runs into a big over-the-shoulder powerslam. E tags in, and E & Henry hit a double whip into the corner. E hits a trio of backbreakers for 2. Swagger comes back with a knee and tags in Cesaro. E presses Cesaro, but Cesaro escapes and sends E to the outside. E lands on his feet, but gets caught with a kick coming back in. Cesaro slams him head-first into the buckles, then superplexes him from the apron. He goes for the pin, but Swagger made a blind tag. The Americans now argue as Swagger goes after E, sending him into the corner. Swagger nails the Swagger Bomb for 2, then hits a series of rights in the corner. Cesaro tags in and the Americans hit a double-team elevated back elbow in the corner. Cesaro follows up with a European uppercut and applies a rear chinlock. E fights out and hits a back body drop. Swagger and Henry tag in, with Henry hitting a trio of clotheslines. Swagger receives a running powerslam, and now Henry goes for the WSS. However, Cesaro nails a big boot to the face. E comes in and knocks Cesaro to the floor. Cesaro sends E face-first into the post. In the ring, Swagger hits a chopblock and applies the Patriot Lock. Cesaro tags himself in, and the Americans are arguing again. Cesaro sets up the Neutralizer, and hits it in an impressive spot for 3.
WINNERS: The Real Americans. I look at Cesaro, and I see dollar signs. Mark my words, he will be WWE World Champion sooner than later.
Batista makes his way out to nothing but boos, and looks like an absolute douchewaffle in that hat. The skinny jeans aren’t helping, either. We see a replay of what happened with him and Randy Orton on RAW, and then Batista starts by saying he loves this business (my ass). He loves this company. He also states that he did not come back to be liked. He did not come back to please the fans. He came back to be WWE World Champion. So, you don’t have to support him, but you’re going to have to deal with it. It is a fact that he can destroy anyone put in front of him. He is the best representative of WWE, and that includes Hulk Hogan & the Rock. What the hell has happened to this business? Where are the real men? What happened to the attitude? You chant the name of a 195-lb. wannabe. You scream, “Yes!”. The truth is, no. They will never be him. That’s the truth. Deal with it. Do you honestly think your heroes are as good as him? Batista then takes off his tanktop for absolutely no reason. He says everything about him screams, “WWE World Champion”. A big “No!” chant breaks out. He says he gets it, and can sympathize. The fans look at their heroes and think, “He looks just like me. He can be World Champion. So can I.” He needs everyone to go back to their jobs at Hot Topic and get out of his world. From this point on, he will systematically destroy the fans’ heroes on the way to the main event to Wrestlemania and become WWE World Champion.
Thankfully, Dolph Ziggler puts an end to this painfully boring promo. He steps in the ring and says he knows Batista’s been away a while, but you don’t tell the fans who to cheer for. The fans get behind who they want. He calls Batista a dinosaur, then says sooner or later, dinosaurs become extinct. So, Batista is looking for the real men? There’s one standing right in front of him. Ziggler wants a match with him tonight. Batista laughs, takes the mic and tells Ziggler if he wants it, he’s got it. Ziggler nods his approval, then nails Batista with a dropkick before leaving the ring.
Alberto Del Rio is in Vickie Guerrero’s office, wanting a congratulations for defeating Batista on RAW. Vickie says she hasn’t even congratulated Batista for beating ADR at Elimination Chamber yet. That makes them tied 1-1. ADR wanted the rubber match, but Batista is facing Ziggler. He says he has a date, so since he can’t fight Batista, he’s going to take the night off. He compliments Vickie on her hair, and that’s when Sheamus walks in. He says he’s always up for a great fight, so he challenges ADR to a match for old time’s sake. He calls ADR “a night off”, then mocks ADR’s hair, fella.
MATCH 2: Sheamus vs. Alberto Del Rio
The two lock up, and Sheamus backs ADR into the corner. Sheamus has his ribs taped up a bit, and ADR goes immediately for that area with a punch and a kick. Sheamus blocks another kick and dumps ADR to the floor. He heads out and hits a running shoulderblock off the apron. ADR goes face-first into the announce desk, then gets rolled back in. Sheamus drops an elbow and a series of knees before hitting a European uppercut. ADR puts on the breaks off an Irish whip and dumps Sheamus to the outside. Sheamus lands on the apron, avoids a shoulder thrust, hits a kneelift through the ropes, then tries to tie him up for some forearms. ADR counters with a hotshot, then boots Sheamus to the floor. Christian comes out, dressed in a suit jacked and wearing sunglasses. Commercials.
Back from the break, Sheamus avoids a dropkick, which sends ADR to the apron. He ties ADR up for the forearm strikes, and we find out that Christian is on commentary. Back to the match, Sheamus tries for the rolling fireman’s carry slam, but ADR escapes and hits a thrust kick to the ribs. He lands another one to the face and goes for the pin, but Sheamus kicks out at 2. ADR misses the step-up enziguri in the corner, and now Sheamus locks in the Irish Clover Leaf. Christian leaves the announce desk and nails Sheamus from behind, leading to the DQ.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Sheamus. Sheamus throws Christian to the floor, and ADR nails a kick to the ribs from behind. He goes for the rolling jujigatame, but Sheamus escapes and knocks him out with the Brogue Kick. Christian re-enters the ring and hits Sheamus with the Killswitch.
Cesaro is in the back, speaking to the camera in German. The feed I’m using is from German TV, so it may not have been seen in the US. He sees Kane in the back and asks for a few moments. He asks about Kane’s problem with Daniel Bryan. Kane says Bryan is the one with the problem. He attacked Kane at Elimination Chamber, unprovoked. Kane was just trying to keep the match going, and Bryan attacked him. Bryan is the one with the problem. Cesaro says a bit more in German, then agrees that Bryan has the problem. Kane tells Cesaro he likes him because he has integrity, then heads into a dressing room.
We see the Shield in the back, and Roman Reigns asks Dean Ambrose if he’s got his act together tonight, or if he plans to go rogue on them again. Ambrose says Reigns is still just mad about the “DQ thing”. Reigns blames their recent losses on Ambrose. Seth Rollins steps in and tells them that losses happen, and they need to move on. Bray Wyatt is moving on, and thinks they are pieces of ash on his way to John Cena. Tonight, they need to show Wyatt they are a threat, and why they are called the hounds of justice. Reigns agrees, and says it’s time for these hounds to go hunt for some Wyatts.
MATCH 3: Batista vs. Dolph Ziggler
Ziggler immediately attacks Batista with rights, sending him to the floor. Batista kicks the steps in frustration, then heads back into the ring. Ziggler ducks a clothesline and nails more rights before hitting a dropkick. Batista bails to the floor once more, and Ziggler is daring him to get back in the ring. Batista grabs Ziggler by the foot, drags him outside and throws him into the barricade. He rams Ziggler back-first into the apron, then goes for a powerslam on the floor. Ziggler escapes and shoves Batista face-first into the ring post. Batista kicks him in the knee while on his back and rolls Ziggler back in the ring. He drags Ziggler to the apron and hits an elbow across the chest before wrapping Ziggler’s leg around the ring post. Ziggler falls to the floor, and Batista picks him up to roll him back in the ring. Batista climbs back in and hits a suplex for 2. Ziggler gets sent hard into the corner and slumps to the mat. Batista stomps him and ties the bad leg up in the bottom rope. Ziggler is back up, and Batista hits a shoulder thrust in the corner. Ziggler blocks a second one and avoids a charge, sending Batista shoulder-first into the post. Ziggler pulls himself up to his feet once more and goes for some corner mounted punches. Batista shoves him off, so Ziggler goes for it again. Batista blocks it and goes for a Batista Bomb, but Ziggler escapes and begins attacking Batista’s left leg. Ziggler connects with the rocker dropper, but only gets 2. Ziggler goes for the sleeper, but Batista is holding onto the bottom rope. Ziggler breaks it, but then turns around and runs right into a spinebuster. Batista hits another spinebuster, then a third. He signals for the Batista Bomb and hits it for 3.
The Wyatt Family make their way down to the ring. Bray Wyatt says everything everyone knows about their own lives are lies. Men go to work and breaks their backs so they can buy suits, sports cars and impress women. Women coat their faces in makeups, not realizing they are wearing the masks society wants them to wear. It’s a collage of lies up on a billboard. The man on that billboard wears a plastic smile and tells you what you think you need to hear. This is the same society that vilifies a man like Wyatt. He says everything they’re afraid to say, does everything they’re afraid to do. And, if it takes until his dying day, he will whisper into that man’s ear, “John Cena, it’s time to end this lie. Follow the buzzards.”
The Shield intterupt by making their way down through the crowd. They jump on the apron, and now we’ve got a face-off.
Before anything happens, Triple H makes his way out. He says this isn’t going to happen now. He has too much time and money invested in all six to let this war hapen again now. At least, not without some promotion. This war can take place on RAW. Until that time, Shield, stand down. The Shield do as they are told, and the Wyatts leave the ring. Bray Wyatt taunts them, which causes the Shield to enter the ring. Wyatt re-enters, but before Luke Harper and Erick Rowan can do the same, Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins take them out with apair of suicide dives. They get back in the ring, and now the Shield are alone with Wyatt. Wyatt leaves before they can do anything, then holds the other members of his family back before laughing at the Shield.
MATCH 4-WWE Divas Championship: AJ Lee (Champion, w/Tamina Snuka) vs. Cameron
AJ knocks Cameron down after the opening bell, then throws her to the corner. Cameron gets sent in once more, then gets hit with a clothesline for 1. AJ applies a rear chinlock now, and she turns it into a straightjacket. Cameron counters with a jawbreaker, then hits a pair of clotheslines and a running facebuster for 2. AJ gets corner-whipped, but avoids a charge when Tamina pushes her out of the way. The ref sees it and ejects Tamina from ringside. Cameron comes off the middle rope with a cross-body for 2. AJ comes back with a kick to the gut and a spinning back kick to the face. AJ then applies the Black Widow, and Cameron taps out.
MATCH 5: The Usos (Jey & Jimmy) and Daniel Bryan vs. Kane and WWE Tag Team Champions the New-Age Outlaws (Billy Gunn and the Road Dogg)
I love how JBL keeps saying Kane beat Bryan a couple of weeks ago and that Michael Cole is “cherry-picking statistics”. In reality, Bryan won that match by disqualification, proving once more that JBL is worthless. Bryan and Gunn start the match with a lock-up. Gunn applies a side headlock, then shoulders Bryan off the ropes. They crisscross until Bryan catches Gunn with a kitchen sink. He fires off some kicks in the corner, then tags in Jey, who applies an arm wringer. Gunn backs Jey into the corner, then tags in Kane. Kane clubs Jey down, then sends him into the corner. Kane follows up with an uppercut and tags in Dogg. Dogg begins hitting the Juke ‘n’ Jive, but misses the last shot and gets hit with a kick. Jey avoids a corner whip and hits a clothesline. Jimmy tags in, and they hit a double elbow drop for 2. Jey misses a superkick as Dogg drops to the floor. The heels regroup near the announce desk, and I have to laugh as I hear Dogg say, “Hey, I told you guys I wasn’t good.” Back in the ring, Dogg kicks Jey in the gut, then nails a right hand. Jey comes back with an uppercut, then hits another one. Jimmy tags in and hits a shoulder thrust. Jey hits an uppercut. Jey then tags back in and locks in an armbar, but Dogg elbows his way out before hitting a headbutt. Jey no-sells the headbutt (Gunn from the apron: Don’t headbutt him!) and hits one of his own for 2. Jimmy tags in and applies an arm wringer. Dogg breaks it with a kneelift, hits a snapmare and gives a shout-out to Kane as he hits a low seated dropkick for 2. Gunn tags in and boots Jimmy in the gut before throwing him face-first into the buckles. He nails a right, then sends Jimmy across the ring. Jimmy avoids the charge, hits a hiptoss, an armdrag and a chop to the chest. He slides under Dogg’s legs on the apron and trips him to the floor. Back in, Jimmy ducks a clothesline, but runs into a tilt-a-whirl powerslam for 2. Kane tags in and hits a low running boot. Jimmy gets hit with an avalanche in the corner, followed by a corner clothesline. Kane throws him to the mat for 2, then nails an uppercut in the corner. Dogg tags in and nails a kick to the chest for 2. Kane tags back in and hits an uppercut and a corner whip. A sidewalk slam gets 2, and now Kane has a rear chinlock applied. Jimmy counters with a jawbreaker. Kane turns around and boots Bryan on the apron, then nails Jimmy with a clothesline. Dogg tags in, chokes Jimmy against the middle rope, then lands across Jimmy’s back. Jimmy comes back with an uppercut and a reverse Dragon Whip. Jimmy crawls for the tag and tags in Bryan. Gunn tags in, misses a clothesline, then gets nailed with rights after Bryan dropkicks Kane off the apron. Bryan hits some kicks, avoids a corner whip with a backflip, ducks a clothesline and hits one of his own. He fires up the Yes! Kicks and goes for the Buzzsaw, but Dogg interjects. Bryan throws him to the floor, then gets booted by Gunn. Gunn goes to the ropes, but then gets nailed with a dropkick that sends him to the floor. Bryan goes for the suicide dive, but Kane comes in and nails him with a clothesline. The Usos interject, and Kane gives them both the goozle. They break it with a pair of kicks, then knock Kane out with a double superkick. Gunn gets hit with a suicide dive on the floor, and the same happens to Kane. Back in the ring, Gunn hits the Fameasser on Bryan, but it’s only good for 2. He goes for a back suplex, but Bryan flips out, blocks a corner charge and blasts Gunn with a running knee strike for 3.
WINNERS: Daniel Bryan and the Usos.
End of show.
Dustin Nichols is a freelance writer, and you can keep track of all of his work on his Facebook page, which can be found at www.facebook.com/DustinNicholsWriter. Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out his mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:
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