Vince McMahon: No! It can’t be; I just sent you back to the future!
The Undertaker: No, I know; you did send me back to the future. But I’m back – I’m back from the future.
Talk about your 80’s icon, I know there were a lot of classics that define that generation but I am not sure if you will find one that tops Back to the Future. Forget the part about Marty’s mom trying to make out with him, that movie was classic. I didn’t think it could get any better until Doc Brown shows up at the end. “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.” Blew my mind!
Then the sequel came out with hover boards, robot waiters, and flying cars in the year 2015. I was 9 years old when Marty bought the sports almanac and 2015 seemed light years away. A fourth installment of that movie is rumored to be in the works, which is unfortunate. How do you explain the lack hover boards, flying cars and the fact that the Cubs are nowhere near winning the World Series? All cars go 88mph now and none of us can go back in time. Does Libya still have plutonium and if we took it from them would they be following us through the mall parking lot with an RPG pointed from a mini-van? It is time for Universal to put the franchise back on the shelf for good so we can enjoy it for what it was.
After seeing Edge and Goldust on TV this past week it got me thinking about Wrestler “franchises” that need to stay on the shelf. Doc Brown warned us about using the past to mess up the future; here are a few names that could potentially disrupt the space time continuum.
Hulk Hogan – I figure this is the best place to start because like Back to the Future this guy was classic in the 80’s. Hogan probably should have stopped after passing the “torch” to the Rock and he definitely should have stopped when he returned to the yellow and red to battle Vince McMahon at WrestleMania 19. It is depressing to think that this generation will remember Hogan as the wrestler from the old days that now runs TNA.
Not the Immortal Hulk Hogan who slammed Andre the Giant or who fought for America when he beat an Iraqi sympathizing Sargent Slaughter or who turned his back on his fans to create possibly the best story line in wrestling history. It’s like watching Jordan in a Wizard Jersey, except that Jordan could still sort of play basketball. I read recently that allegedly Hogan’s doctor has given him the green light to have 2-3 more matches. This could get worse before it gets better.
Bill Goldberg – There was a time when I would have loved to see Goldberg back in the ring. I remember the first time I saw him on the WCW weekend show and he was destroying jobbers left and right. I remember how unstoppable he was all the way to the moment he gave Hogan the Jack Hammer to win the title. There was no one like him and it was awesome.
Unfortunately that last statement is what made him a success. We now have Brock Lesner and Ryback which means Goldberg is not that unique. WCW was short of monsters. They didn’t have Kane, Taker, or Mark Henry in the mix either. Goldberg is in great shape but he has been gone almost 10 years and he 47 years old as opposed to Ryback and Lesner who are still in their mid-30’s. The idea of the old Goldberg coming back is great just like I would love to see Dusty Rhodes in his prime but the reality is that time has passed and that is where it needs to stay.
The Undertaker – I know that there are millions of fans out there who love the streak and have followed Taker since his debut in 1990. The man has the best gimmick in the history of the business and has been near the top for 23 years. My biggest issue with Taker is the schedule or the complete lack of one. He works WrestleMania in almost the main event every year. Sure there is a lot of hype around the streak and we have been fortunate enough for those matches to still be pretty good.
Do we really think that the Undertaker is better than CM Punk are they going to let him beat Brock Lesnar? Sure the streak is impressive but I have a pretty good shot at winning multiple Royal Rumbles if I always draw #30 and I have to eliminate a guy who has already be wrestling for an hour. I am not trying to minimize the Taker, he is amazing but all good things must come to an end. Keep the Bryan/McMahon feud going and let Cena come back to face the Undertaker in his final WrestleMania match.
Brock Lensar – I know I am crazy for this but I just hate the part time schedule in order to make a buck. Lesnar is amazing but he is not Taker, Rock, Austin or Hogan. He has not shed the blood the other greats have had to in order to command his own schedule. Brock and Heyman are great and put them against Punk and you have something phenomenal. Have Brock barely win and then disappear and you have confusion and disappointment. You are either in or out and if you are out your job should be to put the young talent over. Not come back and be dominating and then leave.
Undertaker: What about all that talk about screwing up future events? The space-time continuum?
Vince McMahon: Well, I figured, what the hell?
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