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WWE 2009: The Cynical Examination

Randy Orton and Triple HGuest hosts. Sanitized programming. Lackluster stoylines. Horrible commentary. And that was just one episode of WWE Raw! Here, now, are 365 days of tomfoolery for your edification.

January 6 – “Behind Enemy Lines: Colombia” is released on DVD, featuring Mr. Kennedy as a Navy SEAL. The basic plot is that Kennedy gets discharged for dropping a more important SEAL on his head, and then spends his summer making youtube videos in order to stay relevant.

January 9 – WWE begins a week of house cleaning, parting ways with many performers and agents, including D-Lo Brown, Val Venis, Hardcore Holly, Ron Simmons, among others. The year 1999 was found crying in its room, listening to The Spill Canvas and clutching a razor.

January 12 – Matt Hardy loses the ECW Championship to Jake Busey’s retarded brother. Oh, nevermind, that’s Jack Swagger. My mistake.

January 13 – Victoria retires from WWE, after a recent MRI discovered she had heart and a backbone. She then jumped to TNA, indicating that a CAT Scan was not performed.

January 19 – Randy Orton punts Vince McMahon in the temple, presumably giving him a concussion. Irony Police monitor the situation intently.

[adinserter block=”1″]January 25 – Randy Orton wins the 22nd annual Royal Rumble match, based upon article C, chapter 12, section 8 of the WWE Booking Rule Book that states, in part: “…all overpushed ex-developmental talents must, at one point or another, win the Royal Rumble match as justification for their excessive push, in addition to having something that looks good on their resume when they’re inducted into the Hall of Fame”. Also, Edge wins his fourth WWE Championship over Jeff Hardy, after Jeff’s brother Matt turned on him after spending weeks anonymously attempting to kill him. I personally set “June 15” as the date for their reunion.

January 28 – A spokesman for Oscar-nominated actor Mickey Rourke announces that Rourke would not be competing at Wrestlemania 25, citing WWE’s quota of using more than 6 people aged 40 or over in wrestling roles had been reached.

February 10 – Christian returns to WWE, and is basically unchanged from his previous stint, but with one notable exception: a horrifically yellowed skin tone due to “booking jaundice”. Side effects include frequent heel/face turns and an unwillingness to call Vince Russo a moron to his face.

February 10 – WWE releases “The History of Saturday Night’s Main Event” on DVD, featuring a vast selection of tremendous matches, fun angles, and cherished memories that made 1985-1992 a fun time to be a wrestling fan. Stephanie McMahon has strict orders for WWE writers to never, ever watch it.

February 15 – Edge and Triple H respectively win Elimination Chamber matches at No Way Out to capture the promotion’s two major World Titles. Fans tuning into this show looking for something fresh are still waiting. Also, Randy Orton, with the help of the 82nd Airbourne and Che Guevara’s Revolucion, is able to defeat Shane McMahon.

February 23 – Manu is released from his contract, allegedly due to a lack of heart and failure to get himself noticed. Had he destroyed a hotel room and harassed the divas, however, he would have not only gotten noticed, but found himself a main eventer as well.

March 4 – Hey, unemployment check, guess what? He’s the BOOGEYMAN! And he’s coming…TO GETCHA!

March 5 – WWE releases their very impressive “Encyclopedia” coffee-table book, which features every superstar in company history, including, yes, Chris Benoit. It doesn’t, however, include Sean O’Haire or Nathan Jones. Lesson learned: “murderers” are cooler than “people who lose MMA fights in 30 seconds/lactate due to steroid use”.

March 9 – Kizarny fizinds hizimsizelf reislizeased.

March 9 – Triple H breaks into Randy Orton’s house and assaults him on live TV. Police are unable to arrest “The Game”, however, since anyone with enough brain cells to dial 911 was watching The Closer at the time.

March 12 – Andrew “Test” Martin is found dead. Coincidentally, 20 minutes after the news is released, Vince McMahon has one of his pages go out to “buy a rug that’s at least seven feet long” and “a good sized broom”.

March 23 – Randy Orton one-ups Triple H by kissing the unconscious Stephanie McMahon on the lips. It is after this incident that WWE begins its “no-blood” policy, for fear that Orton may bleed on an opponent and pass on the hepatitis virus.

March 24 – Gail Kim returns to WWE after a three and a half year hiatus which consisted of “not being lost in the shuffle”. Kim immediately picks up where she left off in 2004: being overshadowed by uninteresting blondes.

March 27 – “12 Rounds”, starring John Cena, begins its theatrical release. The critics go on to savage Cena, except unlike in the wrestling world, Cena doesn’t shrug off the abuse to mount an elementary comeback.

March 31 – Tazz leaves WWE after the expiration of his contract, so that he could fulfill his lifelong dream: to jump to a permanently-second rate promotion, make a lackluster entrance during a match, and stand there.

April 4 – WWE holds their annual Hall of Fame ceremony, which sees Stone Cold Steve Austin, Ricky Steamboat, Howard Finkle, Koko B Ware, The Funks, The Von Erichs, and Bill Watts inducted. The event, however, is marred when Watts insists on having Ware be inducted last to give him the big send-off, thinking that it would draw a larger black audience.

April 5 – The twenty-FOURTH anniversary of Wrestlemania, also known as Wrestlemania 25, takes place in Houston, TX. Highlights include Kid Rock, Shawn Michaels and Undertaker stealing the show, Kid Rock, John Cena winning yet another World Title, Kid Rock, Rowdy Roddy Piper allegedly hitting a dropkick, Kid Rock, and Triple H successfully defending the WWE Championship over Randy Orton in a match that proved more painfully dull than a butter-knife shanking.

April 6 – JBL makes his retirement official. For his parting gifts, WWE gives him a bar of Ivory soap with his engraved initials, a year’s supply of duct tape, and a free crack at Primo Colon in the shower without fear of prosecution.

April 26 – Ricky Steamboat reaches a career pinnacle that so few are able to realize: helping jerk the curtain at WWE Backlash (tagline: tying the loose ends we didn’t feel like tying at Wrestlemania) against Chris Jericho. The match, however, is a rousing success. Well, except for the part where he spent six hours trying to remember how to apply a figure four. Also, Randy Orton and Edge win World Titles as part of the “Same Heels, Same Belts” initiative.

April 26 – Christian wins the ECW Championship from Jack Swagger, becoming the first disenfranchised former TNA talent since CM Punk to be allowed to pretend to be a real World Champion.

May 12 – The Hart Dynasty of David Hart Smith, Tyson Kidd, and Natalya come together. The event is missed by cousin Teddy Hart, who had to pawn his TV set to replenish his supply of smack.

May 17 – WWE produces their annual “Judgment Day” pay per view, which featured all the loose ends from Backlash that the writers forgot to tie up/chose to milk some more. Also, Shelton Benjamin got to actually work a pay per view. One of these developments is surprising.

May 25 – After a scheduling conflict with Denver’s Pepsi Center, due to the NBA Playoffs, Vince McMahon dedicates an entire Raw to browbeating the Denver Nuggets and their owner. Plans for an Xtreme Basketball Association, however, remain on hold.

May 29 – Mr. Kennedy is fired for pissing off Randy Orton. Just like those ex-divas like that one girl, and uh, what’s-her-chest. Kennedy’s youtube rebuttals would be broadcast within weeks, but not before tearing his labrum while readjusting the webcam.

June 7 – Extreme Rules, which is neither extreme nor ruled, took place in New Orleans, where the biggest development saw CM Punk win the World Heavyweight Title from an enfeebled Jeff Hardy. Of course, it should be noted that Jeff had just finished a grueling ladder match with Edge, and was thus “more enfeebled than usual”. Tommy Dreamer wins the ECW Championship. Also that day, Vince Russo wrote a horrible wrestling show and Stevie Richards was a midcarder with no momentum. 2000 or 2009? In addition, Batista defeats Randy Orton for the WWE Title in a steel cage match, before being suspended for ster–err, hurting his arm.

June 8 – Umaga is released one day after losing to CM Punk at Extreme Rules, apparently after he refused to go to rehab. Vince McMahon had offered me some free merchandise if I included those last eight words.

June 9 – WWE releases “Macho Madness: The Best of Macho Man Randy Savage” on DVD. Because really, the best way to get revenge on someone who allegedly had sex with your daughter is to make money off of his likeness.

June 15 – Randy Orton wins the vacant WWE Title over three other men, which is seven less people than actually watched the match on Raw. Donald Trump “buys” Monday Night Raw. The 18-34 male demographic is so excited by this incredible development that they…umm…well, yeah. At least it can’t get any worse than this.

June 19 – Candice Michelle is released after, following her 15th surgery in the last five months, she is unable to do the Go Daddy twirl anymore.

June 22 – During a special commercial free Raw, Donald Trump sells Raw back to Vince McMahon, but not before decreeing that each episode of the show would now have a “guest host”. Several voodoo enthusiasts who happen to be smarks are now pining for a few strands of Trump’s hair.

June 28 – The Miz, after spending weeks and weeks building himself up from “goofy midcard player” to “serious heel who can talk the talk” by trash talking John Cena relentlessly….loses to Cena by submission in under six minutes at The Bash. Because, well, Cena needed the win more, I guess.

June 30 – Since the smarks have dismissed ECW as “being nothing like the original” and “a glorified jobber show”, the world learned to discredit anything that happens on the telecast. That said, some dude named “Sheamus” debuted and crushed a schmoe. I’m sure this will prove irrelevant, since the smarks are never wrong.

July 3 – Edge tears his Achillies tendon. I had bet on “August 15” and was sad to have parted ways with $20 like that.

July 7 – Hornswoggle and Chavo Guerrero begin their heated rivalry, which includes Hornswoggle humilating him at every turn. It’s believed that the previous day, Guerrero had endorsed Chris Dodd for Senate in 2010.

July 13 – Seth Green serves as Raw’s guest host from the Amway Arena in Orlando. Oddly enough, if not for the inexplicable outpouring of love from pale nerds, Green would likely have to sell Amway for a living.

July 14 – Allied Powers, a DVD commemorating the best tag teams in wrestling history, is released. The DVD is hosted by John Morrison and The Miz, who at the time were not only WWE’s best tag team, but WWE’s only tag team as well.

July 26 – Jeff Hardy defeats CM Punk to regain the World Heavyweight Title, proving that if you’re an unreliable drug addict who’s about ten minutes away from having police ransack your home in search of your impressive cache of elicit drugs and PEDs, then the warm and friendly WWE will still push you to the moon, so long as borderline autistic children buy your cheaply made arm bands.

July 26 – Tommy Dreamer loses the ECW Championship in Philadelphia to Christian. Then again, doesn’t Tommy always lose in Philly?

July 27 – With the probe from US Congress on steroids in wrestling winding down, the coast is clear for Chris Masters to return to WWE. Also, Shaquille O’Neal hosts Raw, still no doubt depressed and apathetic toward life after Kobe won a ring without him.

July 30 – Brian Kendrick parts ways with “The”

August 3 – Jeremy Piven hosts Raw, cannot wait for “Summer Fest”. It would go down as the greatest verbal botch in the history of professional wrestling, surpassing the time Jim Ross called a match between Kevin Nash and Triple H “great”.

August 4 – Matt and Jeff Hardy reunite, proving that time (and drug induced haziness) can lead to one forgiving his brother for burning down his house, killing his dog, and attempting murder on him. Awww.

August 10 – Triple H’s search for Shawn Michaels leads to a corporate cafeteria, where Shawn is now working as a chef. Feel free to insert your own “Braden Walker” joke here.

August 23 – Summerslam proves to be a solid show with plenty of exciting in ring action, except for the part where William Regal, after never having competed at Summerslam during his decade-long tenure in the promotion, jobs out in 8 seconds to Christian.

August 25 – Drew McIntyre, after an 18 month hiatus, returns to television and immediately performs at a higher level than he was once accustomed to. FDA immediately begins investigation into new-fangled “time delay steroids”.

August 25 – The Rise and Fall of WCW is released on DVD. It’s notable for WCW jobber/agent Mike Graham claiming to have invented everything in the history of time, including the Mustache Ride.

August 29 – Jeff Hardy’s contract expires, giving him more time to snort, er inject, I mean smoke, umm….paint murals.

September 2 – Rey Mysterio begins a 30 day suspension after testing positive for an illegal drug. Rey says he had a prescription for the drug, but didn’t feel like digging through the mountain of discarded needles and steroid vials on his living room floor to look for it.

September 7 – The WWE roster is shellshocked, when 85 year old Bob Barker proves to be far better and way more natural on the microphone than any of them could hope to be, when he hosts Monday Night Raw.

September 11 – Jeff Hardy is arrested in North Carolina after a raid of his home uncovers a staggering amount of recreational, as well as performing enhancing, drugs. In other news, flipping duh.

September 13 – WWE introduces a new concept event, Breaking Point. In a night of submission based matches, Shawn Michaels taps out in Montreal to Legacy, Undertaker submits in a re-enactment of the Montreal finish, and John Cena refuses to submit to bad 1980’s action-movie torture techniques. The event wins several awards, the most prestigious of which was “Best Event Named for a Long Forgotten Post-Grunge Band of This Decade”.

September 14 – Trish Status hosts Monday Night Raw, sees the state of things around her backstage, remembers why she left the smoldering pile of suck in the first place, and couldn’t get out of the building fast enough.

September 15 – Smackdown releases their tenth anniversary collection on DVD, featuring the 100 best moments in the show’s decade-long run. Well, 100 best moments that don’t include certain unnameable people, that is.

September 16 – Linda McMahon announces her bid for the US Senate in 2010, hoping to run against incumbent Christopher Dodd. Dodd’s campaign staff begins to pore through the last eight years of Monday Night Raw, most notably any footage of her husband as a heel, to begin formulating their attack ads. Wrestling fans who hate the McMahons form a line to help.

September 21 – Lillian Garcia celebrates her final night in WWE. To commemorate her career, a three minute highlight video is aired, with the voiceover person mispronouncing about thirty words.

September 29 – Escobar debuts. I don’t know who he is either.

October 4 – Hell in a Cell features three (you guessed it) Hell in a Cell matches, none of which feature blood. They are, naturally, all rematches of Breaking Point’s submission matches, except the titles change hands this time with Undertaker and Randy Orton winning the belts. The logo for the event was of a horse being bludgeoned to death by the McMahon family.

October 8 – Word breaks that CM Punk’s opening match World Title loss to Undertaker at Hell in a Cell was due to him falling out of favor with management over comments he made about refusing to dress nicely outside the ring, citing that John Cena is immune to having to. Ardent Punk fans are not worried, however, since the next mass-failing of the wellness policy will see Punk as champion again, most assuredly.

October 14 – Hall of Famer Captain Lou Albano passes away. No snarkiness necessary, because Lou seemed like a decent guy who entertained millions. RIP, Captain.

October 16 – Shane McMahon announces his intent to leave WWE, effective New Year’s Day 2010. Part one of the plan to destroy UFC from the inside is now underway.

October 20 – Attempts to sign Ring of Honor cornerstone Nigel McGuinness fall through, and McGuinness instead signs with TNA, where he immediately becomes main event player Desmond Wolfe. WWE is internally disappointed, because Paul Burchill could have really used a new partner in jobbing endeavors to Yoshi Tatsu and Shelton Benjamin.

October 20 – WWE releases a three disc set about the career of Batista. Like the real Batista, the DVD packaging shatters into a million pieces if brushed against a piece of felt.

October 20 – Jim Ross suffers a third attack of Bell’s Palsy; still more pleasant to look at than Michael Cole.

October 25 – Team Smackdown beats Team Raw in a 7 on 7 match at Bragging Rights. The following day, WWE announced a special contest: $1,000,000 to anyone who can name all fourteen participants in that match in under 30 seconds. Even the writers were unable to succeed. Also, John Cena defeats Randy Orton for the WWE Title in an iron man match, which was more grueling on the fans.

November 2 – Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne host Raw. The embarassing moment of the night comes from the realization from all that Ozzy is more fun to listen to than Michael Cole.

November 16 – On my 26th birthday, Rowdy Roddy Piper hosts Raw, yells incoherently. If anything, it was a sobering reminder for me to stay off drugs and to not befriend Ric Flair.

November 17 – WWE releases a three disc set of rare matches featuring TNA superstar Hulk Hogan.

[adinserter block=”2″]November 22 – The 23rd annual Survivor Series is a solid affair, marked with classic elimination matches and two good World Title matches. The evening’s highlight, of course, is Rey Mysterio’s tri-weekly “Leech Eddie Guerrero’s famous spots to show that I’m a loving guy” routine getting horrifically booed by the jaded fanbase. But then again, do we blame a guy who’s honoring the man who helped conceive his expressionless son?

November 23 – Jesse Ventura (hosting Raw) and Vince McMahon provide commentary for Raw’s main event, giving me a nostalgic twinkle in my eye. Sadly, Ventura doesn’t refer to Carlito as “chico”.

November 24 – Festus transforms into Luke Gallows, going from “full retard” to “devoted follower of CM Punk” aka “smark” aka “not quite full retard, but damn close”.

December 1 – The History of the World Heavyweight Title is released on DVD, which has broken up lineage in two eras: “everything before 1960” and “certain parts of 2004”.

December 4 – Umaga dies at the age of 36 following a series of heart attacks. If you strictly get your news from WWE programming, then this is the first you’ve heard of it.

December 7 – Sheamus viciously assaults Raw host Mark Cuban. It’s not the first time an executive owner of a sports/entertainment franchise is attacked on Raw, but it is, in fact, the first time that one with credibility in the media is.

December 13 – Sheamus defeats John Cena in a table match to win the WWE Championship at TLC. The fanbase is divided. Half are upset that Cena jobbed to an unproven talent. The other half is upset because Sheamus winning the title doesn’t fit into their “armchair booking” plans.

December 14 – Dennis Miller slurs his way through a Raw hosting gig, which features the 2009 WWE Slammy Awards. The fans were the recipients of the award for “Best Bleeting Sheep”.

December 15 – To help pay for Jeff Hardy’s legal fund, a 3 disc DVD set of his WWE tenure is released.

December 16 – Bret Hart announced to be re-signing with WWE. I’d make a joke, but my brain exploded.

December 28 – After hyping a WWE Title match between the two all through a two hour Raw, John Cena def. Sheamus by DQ in a matter of minutes. There’s a metaphor in there about “all hype, no payoff”, but since it’s the end of the year, and I’m exhausted, I’ll let the proceedings speak for themselves.

Happy new year, everyone. We’re going to need it.

When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded (as well as well-paid) columnist or author. He tweets at and facebooks himself at

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