The Internet is reporting that Cox Cable has issued refunds to people disappointed with WWE’s latest pay-per-view offering, “Night of Champions.” People were so “it’s still real to the them dammit” that they called their cable company 22 hours after Daniel Bryan won because the dastardly Triple H vacated the WWE Championship.
Do not be surprised about the fact that Cox Cable issued refunds to people for WWE NOC. Most people are stupid. If most people were not stupid, a book would be the highest rated television program. If you doubt the factuality of this rumor, it is on the Internet, so it must be true. I’m also a French model.
Still, this whole ordeal created a lot of self-reflection. As a second generation American, I hold my values with the utmost decorum and integrity. I wondered how I can get in on this refund scam and how I can make it work for me at home and on the job. Can I, too, get a refund for an offering of wrestling which I didn’t enjoy? Never mind the fact that it is scripted television. I want reparations.
The missing chapter in the Bible according to George Costanza has been discovered. Here is my list of broadcasts in which I insist, nay, demand a financial apology. Be prepared to give your account number. This column may be monitored for quality assurance purposes:
Argument: This pay per view happened almost exactly 14 years ago. It’s not just the infamous Jake Roberts promo and the Wrestlecrap Hall of Fame worthy main event nonsense that occurred because of it. It’s not just the fact that this is collectively agreed upon to be the worst wrestling PPV of all time. It’s the fact that I am permanently scarred for life from this event. Even Gordon Solie didn’t want to be a part of it. Jimmy Snuka and Bob Orton, Jr. went twelve minutes! In 1999. My father didn’t even want to shell out the $19.95 for this nonsense, so I had to buy it with my grocery stock boy coffers and watch it at my Uncle Rurik’s house. The cigar, beer, and illegal gambling enthusiast Rurik got upset when Abby and OMG went to a double count-out. He later “moved back” to St. Petersburg. This PPV destroyed my family.
Refund Claim: $75.00 because that’s probably $20 plus inflation.
Argument: Don’t get all mad and request a refund from this website. Like a teen about to be sent to boot camp by Maury Povich, you don’t know me. That Triple H vs Undertaker HITC match? Triple H’s chairshots scared the bejesus out of my 10 pound shih tzu. So much that she hid under the couch during the rest of the event and now runs and hides whenever the Undertaker’s theme music hits. Also, John Cena didn’t turn heel.
Refund Claim: $15 for the match, $7500 for doggy psychiatrist appointments
Argument: The second ever ECW pay-per-view featured a classic triangle rematch between ECW Champion Sabu, Terry Funk and Shane Douglas. ECW’s working agreements with USWA and WWF were also on display. The latter provided an entertaining classic between ECW crusader Tommy Dreamer and WWF invader Jerry Lawler that had like 47 run-ins. Why would this ECW die-hard request a refund? If I recall correctly, there was an audible hum during the original broadcast of the Rob Van Dam versus Al Snow match. I’m certain it was the Taos Hum. I tried to let “Coast to Coast AM” know about this and Art Bell hung up on me.
Refund Claim: $5.75 for the match, $37 for the long distance call to Nevada. Long distance was super expensive in 1997.
Argument: You may know German actor (and Holocaust survivor!) Werner Klemperer. He was the incompetent but somehow loveable Colonel Klink from the late 60’s ratings juggernaut “Hogan’s Heroes.” Pat Sajak knew him as this too, in 1989. While Klemperer was on the failed talk show to attempt to shed his typecast character and promote a play or musical he was doing, all Sajak could talk about was how Klemperer played Colonel Klink. Sajak even presented a new monocle to Klin-errr-Klemperer because the original one he wore on the sitcom was stolen from him. What could have been an interesting interview to try and get to know a guy that most people only know for “Hooooogan” turned out to be the kind of crap that led to the show getting canceled a season later.
Refund Claim: Although this aired when I was eight, wasn’t on cable and I distinctly remember watching it on rabbit ears, Fox News gave Pat Sajak another show about 15 years later. $550.
UWF Beach Brawl
WCW Uncensored 1995
WCW Uncensored 1996
WCW Uncensored 1997
WCW Uncensored 1998
WCW Uncensored 1999
WCW Uncensored 2000
WCW The Big Bang (Pay Per View that was planned, but never happened)
Dan Aleksander’s favorite movie is “Ghostbusters 2” and his favorite book is the Scholastic Book Fair version of “Ghostbusters 2.” For more Omphaloskepsis and to see links to wrestling stuff he likes from YouTube, follow him on Twitter @HaveTilFive. GTV should catch Triple H conspiring with Scott Armstrong.
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