The Robert Zone: Ready to Rumble
I’m not doing it Gargiulo, I’m not. You already subjected me to No Holds Barred, you cannot and will not subject me to Ready to Rumble. I don’t care what you do, I will not watch Ready to Rumble. You can send John Zandig after me and tell him I ran over his car or that I took his company. You did? Oh crap, review of Ready to Rumble it is then! What Eric doesn’t know is that I’m playing the videogame from 1999, so HA! Before we start, I have a guest at the door, so excuse me.
JEEEEEEEZZZZZUSSSSSSSS! YOU’RE GONNA DIE GOEMAN, I GUARANTEE IT!
Alright, Ready to Rumble it is.
Damn you Garguilo, is Joan Severance in it?
Ghost of Dean Ambrose: Nope.
[adinserter block=”1″]Oh shut up, ghost of Dean Ambrose. Deep breaths, deep breaths, you can do this Robert. You watched the entire Black Scorpion angle and only suffered minimal brain damage. Alright, let’s meet our main characters: Gordie played by David Arquette and Sean played by Scott “Not James” Caan (Do not make that joke Ghost of Dean Ambrose). Gordie is an idiot man child, so it’s basically in Arquette’s range, so it’s not much of a stretch. Can’t believe he landed Courtney Cox. Sean is more or less the straight man to Gordie’s idiot man child character. It should be noted that the opening credits are rather well done; a mixture of older wrestling pictures current ones, so that’s one of the few positives of this movie. They live in Lusk, Wyoming which I didn’t think actually existed but actually did. My apologies to the good people of Lusk, Wyoming and the other fifteen cities I managed to offend by believing it didn’t exist. They worship Jimmy King (Oliver Platt), who is apparently undefeated and holding the longest winning streak in wrestling history. At that moment, Andre the Giant is prepping to return to the living and beat King dead.
In this movie, there are two groups: The heroes who believe wrestling is real and everybody else who wonders why these two weren’t drowned at some point. The latter group more or less calls them idiots and breaks the earth-shattering news that wrestling isn’t real. We get our first wrestling sequence with our well-written idiot man child and a convenience store clerk who calls kids retards. HOLY SH#T’S IT BONESAW AND HE’S READY TO KILL GORDIE.
Ghost of Dean Ambrose: That’s Randy Savage you idiot.
I can just presume that the slurpee drinks are laced with a form of LSD as Nitro Girls and Jimmy King shows up and the bald guy and Savage do the job to Gordie and King. Savage is just happy that he didn’t have to take the pin and that he didn’t job to Hogan the next night. We get our first poop related gag of the night as Gordie gets a free slurpee refill by sticking his finger up his butt and dear god this is awful already. We then meet Gordie’s dad, a creepy cop who hates wrestling and grabbing the nuts of young man. Are we sure this isn’t Feinstein? HIYO!
Ghost of Dean Ambrose: That was cheap and awful, why do I haunt you again?
Our heroes clean port potties for a living, continuing the great stereotype of wrestling fans being complete losers. More sh#t jokes, just great and a wrestling sequence in which Caan actually looks like a competent worker. They’re hyped for the big DDP/King bout on Nitro, continuing the trend of WCW giving away PPV matches for ratings. More unfunny gags including a pervy grandma, Gordie’s cop family and we’re finally at Nitro! This Nitro is highly unrealistic because the show actually looks well-booked and most of all, the building is sold out. They complain about their seats, even though the higher you’re seated the more action you see and a thoughtful conversation about having one testicle. Nitro girls! With our lead Nitro girl, Sasha played Rose McGowan, who I remembered for being hot and having one leg in that one movie. Still no Joan Severance though.
Ghost of Dean Ambrose: More testicles than you have.
We then meet our booker, Titus Sinclair played by Joe Pantoliano who hates Jimmy King and has a sinister plan in place! He also dresses with a cowboy hat and western jacket, looking like a complete tool. DDP has his backup which consists of SID, Juventud, Van Hammer, Prince Iaukea and Bam Bam Bigelow, and King has his court which-is Saturn, Konnan, and Henning, so basically the line-up you’d see on a Thunder. Missing from this movie just for insight and probably wanted to shy away from being associated with this dreck: Hogan, Flair, Nash, Hall, Hart, Benoit, Eddie and Steiner. Sinclair gets cryptic with Jimmy King as the match begins as we actually see the two calling spots out for basic moves and then we get the moment. Sinclair, who teleported to the crowd gives Page the call to shoot on King. Page starts to potato the crap out of King and King potatoes Page back. Slingshot to the outside through a table (Remember when Maeda shot on Chosu and did the same thing) and a run-in by DDP’s goons. The King’s Men run in and…..SWERVE! It’s a beatdown and King takes a four-post massacre and we have a new champion as Sinclair claims he has gotten rid of Jimmy King and tells King that he is done for good. What do ya give this match Ghost of Dean Ambrose?
Ghost of Dean Ambrose: Two stars at best.
Eh, I thought it was one at best.
More poop gags as I’ve slowly realized that there was a rewrite of this script by Vince Russo. This movie was probably a light-hearted comedy with some heart before Russo arrived and took a literal sh*t on the script. Poop gags, swerves, blending of what’s real and face and jokes that only 13 year olds would like. I’m sure at some point Russo wanted King to be escorted by a midget. He also arrived on the set to his Iron Man knockoff theme playing with a baseball bat and demanding rewrites. Back to reality, our heroes go on a quest to find King, hitching a ride with some nuns and my pen next to me looks sharp enough to stab myself in the eyes. They encounter a hacker who’s playing a crappy Jimmy King arcade game. We then get a humping joke with action figures and Sean singing Britney Spears; and please kill me Ghost of Dean Ambrose.
Ghost of Dean Ambrose: Not before I get revenge on the asteroid that killed me, and I’m taking the pen away.
We meet King’s wife who’s a white trash redneck with crabs and an idiot child. King is pretty much revealed to be a scumbag delinquent idiot who has no talent with illegitimate children, living in a mobile home. And he’s in drag, because drag queens= funny in Russo’s eyes. King is pretty much a giant inside joke about the personal life of Jerry Lawler, hell I’m not surprised that King doesn’t hit on a 13 year-old girl at some point. King is revealed to be a horrible person, as our idiots try to get him to believe in himself. King finally believes in himself as he agrees to join up with them to get revenge on Sinclair, starting at the Monday Nitro at Madison Squa- err New York Arena in a port potties. Sinclair insults King and the fans some more and King returns and beats up the two of them with a toilet seat. We’re not even an hour in and please end my suffering.
Ghost of Dean Ambrose: I took a saw blade to the head, sissy.
A fake one, you a#s. King beats up Page and Sinclair challenges King to meet Page in the steel cage for the belt and one million dollars. King’s career is on the line and are we sure King/Sinclair/Page aren’t working these idiots? Party scene, Gordie and Sasha flirt as we get drunk Mean Gene, wrestlers with terrible fashion sense, and a set-up to another sh@t joke! To get King in shape, they enlist Sal Bandini, an old-time shooter played….MARTIN LANDAU? What world are we living in when an Academy Award winng actor is in this movie? Fun fact, John Goodman was originally going to be in this, but Landau actually puts effort in. We are blessed with another Arquette scene in a HILARIOUS eating and sex scene with Sasha, because why the hell not and where’s my pen? The group tries to recruit Goldberg, and yes I know that John Cena was in this scene as an extra. Goldberg is a no go; Sid and Saturn break in and beat up Bandini and no I’m not making a scissors joke. Sasha is revealed to be working for Titus and holy sh%t this is something out of No Holds Barred. They dump Sasha, Bandini gives him a rousing speech as they go home to train king. King visits his redneck family, gets kicked in the junk which is a running joke in the movie. They make it home, Gordie gets taken home by his dad who wants him to have a career and King recruits his posse. Two idiots and a hot chick, which makes the Four Horsemen, look like the Dungeon of Doom.
We’re off to the big match, which means that this movie is almost over! Sinclair has a secret meeting with Sting, who looks as enthusiastic as he did when they explained his post Starrcade 1997 booking. Sinclair wants Sting to prevent King and threatens to kill Sting if he messes up. Shades of Russo, where’s Tank Abbott with the knife? Sean is dressed like the Kool Aid man and Sinclair bills it as One Man Suicide and it’s inside of the Cage of Death.
YOUTH GONE WILD
END THIS MOVIE FAST, I HEAR ZANDIG COMING AND HE HAS HAIR. WE’RE SCREWED.
In reality, it’s the Triple Decker Cage/Triple Dome of Terror/Tower/Doomsday Cage. Michael Buffer collects his paycheck and away we go. The cage is kind of cool since there is no door and that you lock up a panel of the cage. Of all the sh#t for TNA to steal, you take the awesome ramp but do nothing. Yet, no Triple Decker Cage? For shame, Dixie. We actually get the first chuckle of the night with “A diamond upside down is a pussy” bit and it only took us 90 minutes for a good joke! Juventud and some fat guy in a mask come in from underneath the ring. Sid/Bigelow/Hammer/Saturn break into the cage and Saturn takes a Ziggler-like bump for a ladder shot, so that’s a positive. The fat guy is revealed to be his son (SHOCKER!) and a beatdown ensues. Are we sure this isn’t a giant work? Goldberg leads a group to save the day: Himself (Awesome), Booker T (Pretty good pick), Kidman (Unorthodox, but I like it)….and Disco Inferno? BWAAWAHA.
Yeah, Russo must have re-written this.
[adinserter block=”2″]Faces can’t break into the cage despite having Goldberg on their side and Gordie makes a surprise appearance, breaking into the cage via motorcycle. Yes, he’s dressed as a state trooper, Buddy Lee Parker be proud. I’m a Mountie guy, by the guy. Gordie’s dad does an about face seeing his kid tackle a fat kid. Sasha gets a ladder to the face because she’s a female in wrestling that happens to be evil. The fight does to the second cage and Page hangs Jimmy, but we’re getting to the last cage. King gets tossed off the cage, but STING REFUSES TO FOLLOW THE SCRIPT and knocks Page off the cage. Here comes the part we’ve been waiting for: Sting punching Gordie as the eight people who subjected themselves to this movie cheer wildly. Both men make their way back to the cage, low blows ensue, and King bodyslams Page through the cage. King wins the belt, sadly doesn’t fall through the cage, Sinclair gets hit in the fact and presumably eaten by cannibalistic wrestling fans, Goldberg offers to be King’s partner and King chooses the idiot boy instead. Sting is in the background wondering if it’s too late to call Vince about coming to work for him. Back him in Lusk, Goldberg violently assaults the convenience store clerk, and Martin Landau shows up to crush my soul some more.
It’s over, it’s finally over. What’d you think Ghost of Dean Ambrose?
Ghost of Dean Ambrose: Where’s that asteroid that killed me? I want it to come back and kill anybody involved and the ghost version of me.
Sound’s great. WCW actually thought this movie would turn things around when they agreed to do it in the summer of 1999. That’s right, it wasn’t some new angle, a new star or pushing a guy like Goldberg, it was a movie. Luckily, nothing else came of this as the movie flopped financially and critically and was quickly forgotten right?
Oh…and David Arquette won the WCW Championship. Yeah, the company was pretty much toast and the outrage was fun in 2000, but nothing was bringing WCW back. It was more indicative of the mentally that WCW had, cut the knees of anybody who could draw outside of Bisch’s boys (Bret, Flair, Goldberg, Sting, hell even DDP) and then hope that a movie would fix it. The Nitro after the title win saw WCW got blown out by almost a full five points thanks an universally awful show with a Tank Abott/David Arquette title defense and Hulk Hogan vs Mike Awesome main event. Raw had a very fun Rock vs Shane McMahon cage match as their main event. One of the many nails in the coffin of WCW.
Robert Goeman has been writing for CamelClutchBlog since 2014 and has written for FiveOuncesofPain and What Culture. Follow him on twitter at https://twitter.com/RobertGoeman. After every article, Robert usually does “Talking Points” on twitter, bringin up points that didn’t make the article.
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