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True Blood: In Memoriam (2008-2014)

I hate doing these memorandums of shows that I have come depend on. Enjoying a season of ‘True Blood’ has been as automatic in my household as breathing. The non-cartoon way the showrunners told this story is why I grew fond of this show. This was what it was. To fully understand it, you had to let go of reality, and let your imagination frolic. There were werewolves, shape-shifters, minotaurs, ferries, and anything else that had ever been dreamt up by any ordinary recluse fiction writer in the late 1800s.

[adinserter block=”1″]No apologies, just an entertaining look at the town of Bon Temps, Louisiana – Take it or leave it. I do have a few observations that have been bugging me since the beginning.

First, vampire breath must be stinky. Human blood stinks! Blood banks don’t smell like Mentos and Crest! I mean come on, these vampires are running around having sex with whoever, sucking blood from whoever, and then kissing like it’s nothing. For example, Jessica’s hot, but during her wild streak, none of her partners ever told her that her breath smelled like used Band-Aids? Take the kissing out of it, all of the close talking would be out too. I know that these vampires were drinking a concocted blend of synthetic blood sometimes, but their main supply of food was human blood.

Second, what is so sexy about having someone suck the blood from your body? I hate getting pricked for blood test so why would I think someone biting my neck while having sex with me is a good thing? That’s a confusing mixture of pleasure and pain that I can personally do without.

Lastly, why is Hollywood unwilling to get together and come up with one uniform rule for how vampires roam Earth? It can be difficult for a television connoisseur like myself to follow and properly decipher. What do vampires feel? They cry blood for God’s sake! How are they so normal and able to form feelings like love and anger like regular human beings? Why are they like humans for ‘True Blood’ but a chromosome short of being zombies in other movies or television shows?

What’s wrong with uniformity? For instance, Twilight has newer vampires being stronger than older ones, ‘True Blood’ is the opposite. It has always been my understanding that only a stake to the heart can kill a vampire, but I’ve seen actual movies where that is only a mere suggestion, not a hard-and-fast rule. It doesn’t matter, I guess. ‘True Blood’ is over and now it is time to turn to the next vampire story that will come along in the not too distant future.

Before I go any further with my thoughts and opinions on ‘True Blood’ I have two small confessions that might give you a better perspective on my overall thinking while viewing this final season…

Small confession #1: I will not miss Sookie. To be blunt: I hate her. She’s too self-involved, and she gets naked in situations that don’t call for it. I hate her for making me type those words because I love female nudity, just not Sookie nudity. It’s 6 a.m. – Time to get naked. Bill will be over in a second – Time to get naked. “Sam’s in love with me, but I don’t love him back!” – Time to get naked. Enough already, your body is nice and you are willing to show it at the drop of a hat – we get it.

To be blunt, she’s a little bit of a whore. How many romances can one girl have in a seven season show? Apparently, 1000. Seriously, I fell on the floor when I heard her tell Sam she always thought she would somehow end up with him. When exactly was that supposed to happen? After Bill? Before Alcide? After Ben? Before Eric? No, I know… after her second rendezvous with Bill. Give me a break! She was with everyone – She loved every man – Every man loved her. It was crazy.

In a world full of vampires, werewolves, and shape-shifters, she was unafraid in her pursuit of self-gratification. She would get in anyone’s (or any thing’s) face, at any time, regardless of the immediate danger to her life. I hated seeing her do it, and furthermore I hated everyone for letting her get away with it! By my count, she should have been dead on 20 separate occasions over these seven seasons, and that is a conservative count.

Small confession #2: I have a man crush on Eric. A big one (don’t tell anyone). I am not sure what it is… I just like him. I had high hopes that Sookie would see how great he is, and ditch her myriad of lovers and claim him as her one true love, but she never did. Maybe it was Eric’s pension for mischief that turned Sookie off, but it made me like him even more. I even overlooked Eric tricking Sookie into drinking his blood because… well… he’s cool (also I hate Sookie, see small confession #1). His vamp bar, his swag, his inopportune brutal honesty – It all works. If I were going to be turned by a vampire, I would want Eric to do the deed. He’s one of my favorite television characters of all time.

Now that I have shared my True Blood confessions, let’s get into this final season which was about going from True Blood to New Blood. Right off the bat, I was stunned that Tara died (early on in episode one) without a lot of Pomp and Circumstance. I mean, it was like… “Hey, everyone… Tara died,” and that was it. There just was not enough Tara and it showed. She brought levity to Sookie’s crazy world and was the glue that kept her cousin Lafayette relevant for viewers. The character deserved a bigger sendoff, and a much more important role. Tara’s mother Lettie Mae was an interesting character, but all of her scenes seemed like just filler this year.

I always assumed that Tara’s dad was a jerk, but I didn’t need visual proof of my hypothesis. What I did need more evidence of, was Sam’s love for his new wife. He essentially gave up everything he ever knew and loved, in a blink of an eye, with no real rhyme or reason. Also, in Sam’s letter to Sookie, he had more of a country twang to his accent than I remember. They’re from Louisiana, not Nashville – How did they let that slip past the goalie?

Eric ends up owning the world and becoming the fictional richest man (or thing) in the world, after killing Gus and his henchman, and unleashing the cure for Hep-V into the open market. At the end, it seemed apparent that having a slave in perpetuity is acceptable. Poor Sarah Newlind. No really, poor Sarah. I know she was a bad person, but her existence in the clutches of Eric and Pam for three years must have been awful. The whole situation is a little much. Eric is now a billionaire with more power than Jesus, why does he need to torture and enslave anyone? When will Sara serve her penance?

If I was going to make a small confession #3, I would admit that I didn’t see the Hoyt/Jessica reconciliation coming. I thought Jessica and Jason were soul mates, but I ultimately liked the twist, and it kind of made sense if you think about it with your ‘True Blood’ thinking cap on. Jessica was never Jason’s speed. They didn’t make a good couple. Hoyt was always the one for Jessica. Speaking of Jason’s speed, here’s the quote of this final season…

Jason to Hoyt: “We’ve got to live every day like it’s our last. If we do that, it puts everything into prescription for us.”

Jason was always a complete and utter moron, but that was the basis of his appeal. He acted tough (must run in the family), ran through women, always seemed to make situations worse, and bumbled his way around the English language… I am going to miss him. I won’t miss Bill though. This season revolved around him and Sookie, and I felt like I wanted to gauge my eyes (and sometimes eardrums) out with a spoon. God Bill and Sookie have always thought the world revolved around them. What was his problem? Why exactly didn’t he want the cure? Because it was “time?” What? Why have we been following this stupid love story with Sookie? My head hurts.

Everyone ran around acting like Bill is a saint or something… just two seasons ago he was trying to kill everyone and become some type of omnipotent vampire god. There were so many things wrong with Bill’s final days/weeks: 1. Since Bill is dying, Jessica had to rush a marriage with Hoyt (that’s not that bad, but 12 hours earlier he didn’t even remember Jessica’s name). 2. Bill also wanted Sookie to kill him with the last bit of “light” she had left, thus giving her a “normal” life. 3. There were Godfather-type meetings with Bill on the day of his daughter’s (Jessica) wedding, LOL.

[adinserter block=”2″]OMG, I wish someone would have tapped Bill on the shoulder and told him: EVERYTHING ISN’T ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!

This man’s ego ran amok! All of the trouble everyone went through to give him a chance to be cured, and he just says no? Also, who is Bill to decide what’s best for Sookie? “Set yourself free.” What? Having Sookie’s powers is like secretly being able to understand a foreign language. SHE CAN HEAR PEOPLE’S THOUGHTS!! That’s a valuable skill that should never be taken away! The smartest thing she did was murdering Bill with her bare hands. Yes, it was murder. I don’t remember any Jack Kevorkian legislation being passed (fictionally or otherwise) that made it okay to kill anyone/anything. At least Sookie and everyone else can really be free.

The series’ final scenes/montages were nice to see, but not earth-shattering. We learned that Jason has 3 kids… God help us all. There was only one question I was asking myself at the end: Why wouldn’t they let us see Sookie’s new man? The audience only gets a glimpse of him from behind? What’s up with that? We do get to learn what happens in the future, but maybe ending it sooner would have allowed the audience’s mind to run wild and imagine of their own. After all, our imagination was part of the magic that made ‘True Blood’ a cult classic.

Jack Gotta
Follow Jack on Twitter @JackGotta


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