TNA Impact Wrestling opens up with Kenny King in the back, looking for Samoa Joe. Elsewhere, MVP is with Bobby Lashley, and they are looking for Joe as well. They embarrass some stagehand, then continue looking.
Meanwhile, Joe is making his way down to the ring. Good to see the intelligence of TNA on full display here. He says it seems there is an MVP who is looking for him. He thought he’d make it easy this week. MVP has had a hard time finding him, but Joe is here this week, so MVP needs to come down to the ring and straigten a few things out.
[adinserter block=”1″]MVP comes out, flanked by his fellow Ebony Equestrians. King tells Joe that this is getting old. MVP is the director of wrestling operations in TNA, and it seems like week after week, one tough guy or another comes out and complains like a whiny broad. Joe cuts him off and tells MVP that if King is his mouth piece, the first thing he needs to do is kiss his ass. MVP tells him he doesn’t have a lot of time, so Joe needs to talk. Joe calls him a bunch of names. He trusted MVP, and they go back a long time. MVP said he’d come in and change things, but he’s just like the rest. He is absolutely corrupted. MVP says Joe needs to be updated on some of the policies since he took his ball and went home. Joe was booked in a gauntlet for a shot at the World title, but he didn’t show up. MVP did his job; Joe didn’t do his. Joe says his job is to beat people up, so he wants to do his job tonight by taking on all three of the Equestrians at once. MVP says Joe is stupid, but not that stupid.
Austin Aries comes down and says MVP is stalling, like he wants no part of Joe. He’s got his tail between his legs, because he only wants to fight when he can stack the deck in his favor. MVP tells him this doesn’t concern him, while Joe is in breach of his contract (?). Aries says MVP can and should make this happen. MVP tells Joe he’ll give him a match tonight, and if he wins, he’ll be reinstated. His opponent will be Aries. Another stipulation is then added: if Aries loses, he’s done. If Joe loses, same thing. Both men have a lot on the line, because someone isn’t coming back.
Bram and Magnus are in the locker room. Bram says he’s ready for tonight, and he’s laughing. Magnus says he’s never dealt with anyone like Willow. This isn’t the Jeff Hardy Bram knows; this is the dangerous Willow. He became Willow after Magnus beat him for the title. Bram was proud of Magnus back then, but then he got complacent, lazy and lost his edge. The old Magnus would still be the champion. Where is that guy? He needs to pull the trigger again. Or maybe he never will. That’s okay, though, because it means more opportunities for Bram.
MATCH 1: Bram vs. Willow
Willow quickly trips Bram, and Bram kicks him away. Willow comes back with punches and back elbows before hitting a reverse enziguri. He hits a handspring slap, then tosses him to the floor. Bram sees a cross-body coming and trips Willow. He tosses Willow into the guardrail, then rolls him in the ring for 2. He hits a back elbow off the ropes, then stomps Willow with his little chicken legs. Willow gets whipped into the corner before coming back with a sit-out jawbreaker. He lands a seated dropkick, sending Bram into the corner. Willow follows up with a slingshot dropkick in the corner that sends Bram to the outside yet again. Bram pulls him face-first into the ring steps, then rolls him back in. Willow avoids a corner whip and counters with a headscissors, with Bram going outside once more. Willow dropkicks him through the ropes, then hits a clothesline off the apron. Willow pushes the steps away and slams Bram face-first into them. Willow hits Poetry in Motion against the guardrail, leaping off the steps. He kicks the steps away, then pulls them back towards him (?). Bram goes face-first into them yet again, then is laid across them. Willow goes in the ring and looks for a slingshot splash, but Bram moves, causing Willow to crash into the steps. He grabs a prybar from under the ring as Willow rolls back in. Before he can connect with a shot, Magnus hits the ring and pushes Bram back. He grabs the prybar and nails Willow with it, leading to the DQ as Mike Tenay acts shocked.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Willow.
Magnus continues the attack post-match, repeatedly nailing Willow with the prybar as Bram laughs maniacally.
MVP enters his office, and the Wolves are sitting in his office. Davey Richards says this is supposed to be the “era of the wrestler”, not the “era of the puppet master”. They’re the Wolves, and MVP is just a sheep in wolves’ clothing. MVP says they should be grateful since he signed them and helped make them the champs. He kept his promise, and now he’s going to give them a chance to earn his respect. Richards is the better wrestler, while Eddie Edwards is tougher, so he’s going to put them in a match against each other to see who is the better talent. That match is up next.
Mr. Anderson is walking around the back, dressed like a hillbilly. AI asks him what’s up with his outfit, and Anderson screams that he likes beer.
MATCH 2: Co-Champion vs. Co-Champion: Eddie Edwards vs. Davey Richards
We see Kenny King watching this match from the stage. Richards’ ribs are still taped up. The match begins with a quick series of reversals, leading into a clean break. They lock up for a test of strength, and Richards backs Edwards to the corner before hitting a monkey flip. Edwards holds on and does the same thing. They both go back to a standing position until Richards rolls Edwards up with a senset flip for 2. Edwards reverses, then Richards does the same thing. They go through this again until Edwards goes into a jackknife for 2. Richards powers out into a bridge, but then collapses due to his injury. King starts screaming at them from the stage and tells them to stop acting like “puppies”. If he goes back to MVP and tells him they’re not fighting, the titles go back to the Bromans. I think this show is being written as it’s airing. The two circle each other, and Edwards applies a side headlock. The two crisscross from here until Richards applies a rear waistlock. Richards rolls him up for 2, and Edwards counters. Richards counters into a modified surfboard, then rolls him over for 2. Edwards then does the same spot before hitting an armdrag. Richards counters. Edwards does the same. Richards applies a rolling jujigatame out of the corner. Edwards reverses into a pin for 2. God, this is boring. He then turns the pin into a half-Boston crab. Richards reverses into a small package for 2. They trade waistlocks repeatedly until Edwards drops down and locks Richards in a victory roll for 3.
WINNER: Eddie Edwards.
King storms down to the ring and repeats what he said earlier. He’s seen Richards’ matches, and he likes to kick people in the face, but he’s just messing around. He didn’t see anyone get kicked, punched or tossed around. They need to do what they’re told. He’s not joking, and the belts are going bye-bye. The Wolves then boot King before hitting him with an double-team Alarm Clock.
MVP is outside when he’s stopped by Dixie Carter. She reminds us of the main event. She knows a bit about this situation, but doesn’t think he has this under control. MVP says he knows what he’s doing, way more than her. She needs to just sit back, relax and watch someone get fired later on tonight.
We see Madison Rayne getting ready for her match tonight. Brittany enters the locker room and apologizes for last week. She just wants Rayne to know she’s there for Rayne. Rayne just wants her to do nothing. She wants Brittany to listen and do nothing tonight.
DJ Z and Jesse are looking at women on a cellphone. Robbie E enters the room and he’s rubbing his shoulder. They ask what’s wrong and he says it’s the Menagerie. He’s freaked out by “the clown”, stemming from some birthday party he had as a child. Yep. This is what TNA has come to.
Referee Brian Hebner is stretching in the back. MVP approaches and calls him his #1 ref. In the main event, he needs a clear winner and loser, and needs Hebner to make that happen.
AI is with Samoa Joe. Joe goes over his history with MVP. He has few regrets in life, but one is going all-in for MVP. He vouched for MVP, and this is how he gets treated in return. He knows what MVP is about, and that’s why Joe went home. Austin Aries enters and says they’re a lot alike. However, the difference is he saw MVP for what he was right off the bat, and got sent home as a result. Now, they’re both getting punished, and neither one of them like it. As much respect he has for Joe, he has to make sure he still has a job after tonight.
The Bromans and DJ Z are in the ring. Z gives the former champs a stupid introductiong after an even worse one for himself. He says E has been acting weird today, and E says it’s all because of the Menagerie, bro. They don’t speak French, and he’s scared of clowns. Jesse tries to calm him down. They’re the Bromans, and Knux’s freaks have no idea who they’re messing with.
The Menagerie get a ridiculously long introduction and come out. I’m certain Vince McMahon is sad about firing both Knux and the Freak after seeing this crap.
After the Menagerie enter the ring, E starts screaming at Knux. Knux introduces them. They are the Menagerie, and they are just like the Bromans, except they have Rebel. Jesse says they could have her if they wanted. Crazzy Steve honks his horn, and E flips out. Z hits a button on his laptop in response. This goes on for the next 10 years. Freak grabs Z, presses him over his head and walks around the ring. The Bromans knocks Steve down. Knux throws them both out of the ring. Freak then tosses Z onto both of them. Just kill me already.
Eric Young and Bully Ray are outside with Brian Hebner, and EY is laying into him about the main event tonight. Hebner understands the situation, but doesn’t know what to do. Ray tells him to do the right thing tonight. Hebner says for them to let him do his job, because he’s gotta put food on his table like everyone else. As he walks away, Ray tells EY they’ll just do what they have to do.
Gunner is back with Samuel Shaw at the psyche ward. They are playing Go Fish. Shaw isn’t looking at his cards. He’s apparently psychic now. They talk about some guy named Dave who apparently has booze.
MATCH 3-Contract vs. Contract: Austin Aries vs. Samoa Joe
We see EY and Ray watching from backstage. Aries applies a side headlock. Joe then shoulders him off the ropes. Aries hits a hip throw. Joe counters with a headscissors, then hits an inverted atomic drop and a running boot. He misses the senton, and now Aries is assaulting him in the corner with forearms. Joe comes back with a series of snap jabs, beating Aries down in the process. Joe gives him a Facewash, but misses the running boot when Aries slides to the floor. Joe attacks him in the corner upon reentry, nailing him with a chop. Aries gets corner-whipped, blocks a charge and mounts the middle rope. Joe cuts him off and goes for the Muscle Buster. Aries temporarily blocks it, but Joe gets him up on the second attempt. Aries escapes and rolls Joe up for 2. The two trade forearms until Joe starts laying in the chops. Aries comes back with another forearm and goes for the rolling elbow. Joe blocks it and applies the Kokina Clutch. Aries breaks it by backing Joe into the corner. He hits a few back elbows and looks for the brainbuster. Joe blocks it and hits a standing gourdbuster. He hits a running back elbow in the corner, followed by a spin kick to the head. Joe sets Aries up for the Muscle Buster again, but Aries fights him off before hitting a hotshot to the floor. Back in the ring, Aries nails another forearm, then hits a chop in the corner. He charges in, and Joe catches him with the standing uranage. Aries counters into an armdrag, then blasts Joe with a rolling elbow. He rolls Joe up in a schoolboy, but Joe rolls through. Aries holds on and turns it into the Last Chancery. EY runs down to the ring and drags Brian Hebner out of the ring, saying this is bigger than him. While they’re arguing, Joe applies the Kokina Clutch. Hebner gets back in the ring to check on the hold, but EY drags him out again. The two argue as Bully Ray comes down. He aplogizes to Hebner, then nails him in the head.
EY grabs a mic and says this is bigger than him or Hebner. This is about Joe and Aries’ lives, as well as their families. He and Ray did what they had to do. Ray apologizes, and that’s when MVP comes out. He says this isn’t a joke and he’ll fire all of them. Ray accuses him of having a god complex, saying he’s ruining this place. MVP is a piece of crap. If he wants to have a match or fight, how about Ray, EY, Aries and Joe vs. the Ebony Equestrians and EC3. EY then says this should be an 8-Man First Blood Match. MVP doesn’t want to do it, but Kenny King grabs the mic and says it’s on, despite MVP’s wishes.
WINNER: No contest.
Mr. Anderson is in the back, still acting like a drunken hillbilly.
James Storm’s old entrance theme hits. Instead of Storm, however, it’s Anderson. He says there’s a new sheriff in town, a drunk redneck from TN. He likes beer. Christy Hemme says she likes beer as well. Anderson then does some dumbass version of Storm’s catchphrase involving his breath. I’m not recapping any more of this.
Storm comes out, because if this show is going to be senseless, we might as well take it to the max. Storm doesn’t like the joke. Anderson burps into the mic. Storm pisses and moans about their beer-drinking contest a couple weeks ago. He’s pissed off and wants to go another round, but not the kind you can get in a bar. However, he doesn’t want to do it now, because his time is “a lot better than these people’s time”. He’s closed for business tonight. Anderson makes a dumb remark about types of ass-whippings, then attacks Storm at ringside. Storm grabs a beer from a fan, throws it in Anderson’s face and goes on offense, slamming Anderson’s face into the ring steps. He chokes Anderson with the ring skirt, rolls him in the ring and hits the Last Call. He asks Anderson if he wants to be a cowboy, then challenges him to a match at Slammiversary so he can dance with the devil. Apparently he’s the devil now. I guess we’re supposed to care about that.
Back to the psyche ward, Gunner has a book with him now. It’s apparently Shaw’s sketchbook. He brought it in because he’d like to ask permission to see some of Shaw’s drawings. Shaw huffs and puffs before saying yes.
After a commercial, we’re back in the psyche ward. We see a sketch of Shaw’s room at his house, then one of him and his mom. The next one is him apparently being Christy Hemme’s shadow. The next one is a partial drawing of Gunner. Shaw isn’t finished with it, so Gunner asks him to finish it. Shaw says okay. Boy, this is thrilling television right here.
MATCH 4-Knockouts Championship: Madison Rayne vs. Angelina Love (Champion, w/Velvet Sky)
After the bell rings, Love immediately drops to the floor while Sky yells, “Holla” for reasons that are beyond me. Rayne drops to the floor and begins chasing both of them around. Love crawls into the ring, and Rayne is right behind her. She throws Love face-first into the top buckle, hits a running hip bump and the worst seated dropkick I’ve ever seen. Love nails a punch, but then gets hit with a drop-toehold for 1. Rayne hits the Rayne Drop, then signals for a spear. Sky jumps on the apron for a distraction, allowing Love to dropkick her in the back. Rayne falls through the ropes and to the floor. Sky gets in her face as Brittany marches down to the ring. She checks on Rayne as Sky backs away. Love drops to the floor, picks Rayne up and goes to slam her face into the apron. Rayne blocks and reciprocates with a slam of her own. She turns to Brittany and tells her to back off. As she re-enters the ring, Love hits her with a running knee. Love stomps Rayne down, then hits her with a front powerslam. Love screams at Brittany on the outside for no apparent reason, and the distraction allows Rayne to roll Love up for 2. Back up, Rayne rolls Love up in a schoolgirl for another 2. Love comes back with a boot to the gut and a corner whip. Rayne blocks a corner charge with an elbow and a boot. She ducks a clothesline, hits a forearm and a pair of clothesline. A northern lights suplex is good for 2, and now Rayne hits the Taco Twister. Sky gets on the apron, and she’s got the hairspray. As the ref is checking on Love on the opposite side, Sky sprays it in Rayne’s eyes as Brittany looks on, doing what she’s told. Love rolls Rayne up in a schoolgirl and gets 3.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Angelina Love.
Brittany looks over her shoulder as she heads back up the ramp.
The Ebony Equestrians find EC3 in the back and MVP tells him not to screw things up, since that’s what Carters tend to do. EC3 reminds MVP he’s undefeated. MVP steps aside to allow EC3 to lead the way, then mumbles under his breath.
Brittany is walking in the back. Madison Rayne approaches her from behind and wants to know what just happened out there. Brittany just stood there and did nothing, and Rayne wants to know why. Brittany says she did exactly what Rayne told her to do, and that was nothing.
[adinserter block=”2″]MATCH 5-8-Man First Blood Match: Ethan Carter III and the Ebony Equestrians (Kenny King, Bobby Lashley and MVP) vs. World Champion Eric Young, Bully Ray, Austin Aries and Samoa Joe
MVP’s new TNA t-shirt looks exactly like some of his WWE shirts. Very original. Aries and Lashley start the match. King decides he wants to start instead. He gets in Aries’ face, so Aries chops him across the chest. He blocks a boot, ducks a reverse dragon whip and applies the Last Chancery. EC3 breaks the hold and tags in. Aries trips him and tags in EY, who applies a side headlock with some punches. EC3 comes back with punches, but EY stops that by throwing him face-first into the top buckles several times before hitting a dropkick. Ray tags in, and EC3 immediately slides to the floor. MVP comes in, still wearing his shirt over his singlet, which likely means he’s getting fat. They trade punches, then hit simultanous clothesline a couple times, with neither going down. Ray ducks a third one and hits a big boot. MVP comes back with a kneelift and tags in King. King hits a couple elbows to the head, then applies a side headlock. Ray hits a back-body drop off the ropes, then tags in Joe. Joe throws King to the corner, but King rakes the eyes and tags in Lashley. Lashley goes for a waistlock as we go to commercials.
Back from the break, Joe hits a running hip bump in the corner, followed by a spin kick to the head. EY tags in, and he & Joe hit a double back elbow. EY hits a few punches, then runs into a back-body drop. MVP tags in, and he assaults EY with punches in the corner. He hits a gut shot and a running boot to the head before mounting EY for some punches to the face. Lashley back in, and he nails some crossface shots on the ropes before stomping EY in the face. He throws EY into King’s boot, then rakes EY in the eyes. EC3 tags in and nails a couple of punches. King tags in and nails a few more, followed by a headbutt. EY gets corner-whipped, and King hits a jumping elbow. He drops a few more elbows to the head, tags in MVP, then applies a camel clutch as MVP lands a big boot. MVP hits a few more crossface shots, then drops an elbow to EY’s forehead. EY gets slammed into the top buckle, and now Lashley tags in. He nails a big forearm, then grinds EY’s face across the top rope. EC3 back in, and he slams EY face-first into the mat. He does it a couple more times, then applies a rear chinlock while trying to rake EY’s forehead open. EY fights out, then runs into a sleeper. EY counters with a back suplex. He kicks EC3 away, then tags in Joe. Joe nails a series of shots, ending with a running senton. EC3 goes to the eyes, but quickly gets caught with a powerslam. Lashley comes in and hits Joe with a spear. EY nails Lashley with a seated missile dropkick. MVP comes in and hits the Drive-By Kick on EY. Aries nails MVP with a rolling elbow. King goes for the Royal Flush on Aries, but Aries escapes and shoves King into a Flip, Flop and Fly by Ray. All the heels are outside, and Aries comes off the top with a double axe handle on MVP and King. In the ring, Ray turns around into a standing spinebuster by EC3. He misses a corner splash, and now Ray grabs his chain. He wraps it around his fist and nails EC3 in the head, somehow immediately busting him open.
WINNERS: Austin Aries, Bully Ray, Samoa Joe and Eric Young.
We go to the backstage area, where the Ebony Equestrians are triple-teaming EC3. Dixie Carter tells them to stop, telling MVP he has crossed the line. If these guys want a fight, they got themselves war and they will all pay. MVP says something about spilling blood, and Dixie tells him to get ready to bleed. Can I just say that I would rather slurp rancid tuna salad from my own ass than have to listen to Dixie’s halting, screech-yelling that she does as a heel?
End of show.
Dustin Nichols is a freelance writer, and you can keep track of all of his work on his Facebook page, which can be found at www.facebook.com/DustinNicholsWriter. Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out his mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:
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