Well, tonight’s the night. Impact Wrestling goes live, we get Brooke Hogan becoming the head of the Knockouts Division for absolutely no reason other than she’s Hogan’s daughter, and we will see if Joey Ryan earns his contract. If he doesn’t, I don’t know if I can keep watching this show. On a funny note, the commercial for this episode that aired just before it started featured “Hulk Hogan’s” original “Real American” theme. I put Hogan’s name in quotes since it was originally the U.S. Express’ theme, not his.
Seriously, I can’t begin to tell you how pissed I am about Brooke’s involvement in this sport in any capacity. It makes me ill on a level I can’t begin to describe.
The show is opening up with the match promised last week.
[adinserter block=”2″]MATCH 1-Lumberjack Match: World Champion Bobby Roode vs. Sting (non-title)
I see Chris Sabin is one of the lumberjacks. I really hope he follows his partner to WWE. Hey, my friend and Tough Enough competitor Martin Casaus is in the front row! Have I mentioned I have zero respect for Sting at this point? The man continues to tarnish his legacy every week that he continues to wrestle for this company. Sting starts with a hard corner whip. Roode does a pseudo Flair-flop on a second one. Sting rakes the eyes. Roode punches Sting, and Sting no-sells some chops to the chest. Sting fires off some punches, a hip toss and a clothesline. He goes for the Scorpion, but Roode gets to the ropes. The lumberjacks block him from getting to the floor. Sting pulls him across the top turnbuckles and kicks him in the stomach, sending him to the floor. The lumberjacks jump on him, with RVD getting in some shots. Sting kicks him back to the floor, where he’s thrown back in. Sting hits an inverted atomic drop and a punch, but Roode sidesteps a Stinger Splash before throwing Sting out. The heel lumberjacks get some shots on him. Sting shoulders Roode in the midsection on the way back in, hits another corner whip and a back body drop. Roode slides to the floor by the face lumberjacks, who throw him back in again. Roode suckers Sting in and launches him to the floor by the heels, and they stomp him. The heels and faces then start brawling. Sting gets back in the ring, and Roode gets a 2-count. Roode stomps him in the stomach, then lands a kidney punch before backing him into the corner with shoulder thrusts. Roode punches him down and hits a jumping knee drop for 2. Roode goes into a waistlock, basically holding Sting in a version of a bearhug. Sting elbows out and backs Roode into the corner. He corner whips Roode, but Roode gets his foot up on the charge. Roode kicks him in the ribs, then throws him out by the heels. Sting fights them off as we go to commercials. This match has had absolutely no flow to it whatsoever.
Back from the break, the match is back in the ring, and Roode is stomping Sting in the corner. Roode picks him up for a suplex, which gets 2. Garett Bischoff is on the outside paying attention only to his non-existent abs. Glad to know he’s earning his money. Roode throws Sting out by the heels again, who beat him up and throw him back in. Roode sends Sting into the corner and hits some chops and punches. Sting once again no-sells the attack and fires some punches off, backing Rood einto the corner. Corner whip and Stinger Splash follow after that. Sting sends Roode into the ropes, who holds on and slides out by the heels. Sting hits a slingshot plancha to the floor, taking out most all of the heels in the process. Back in the ring, Sting locks in the Scorpion Death Lock, but Roode rolls through and turns it into the Bowflex. He’s too close to the ropes, though, and Sting gets a rope break. Roode stomps him and sets up for the Payoff, but Sting floats over and hits the Scorpion Death Drop. He gets him in the Death Lock this time, and Roode taps out.
WINNER: Sting, which means Sting gets another title shot that he really doesn’t need or deserve.
After the match, Hulk Hogan makes his way onto the stage. He calls Sting “Impact’s #1 man”, and tonight, he just got a little piece. He’s making headline news now, as Sting gets a title match against Roode. Can call it or what? Taz and Mike Tenay, who are actually in the building this week, go over tonight’s card. AJ Styles will take on Christopher Daniels, and we’ll get a TV title match with fans picking the opponent. And, the disgusting orange goblin known as Brooke Hogan will be here later tonight to make her new position official. You know, everyone accuses the women in WWE of getting their jobs by sleeping with John Laurinaitis. Even though Brooke and Hulk are father and daughter, considering their uncomfortably close relationship, I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case here, either.
We see Madison Rayne in her dressing room, ironing her sash. She talks about how she’s not worried about Brooke Hogan, then talks about her supposed boyfriend that might be watching.
Back in the Impact Zone, Bully Ray is doing his stupid “Do you know who I am?” bit. He’s looking for one person tonight, and that’s Joseph Abyss, who is once again in the crowd. He’s surprised Abyss has the balls to show up this week. Did he forget what happened last week? Let him remind everyone what happened. We see video of Ray beating Abyss up last week with his wallet chain before saying he’s “not guilty”. Ray wants to fight Abyss right now. Abyss feigns being scared as he slowly hauls his fat ass to the ring. Ray calls Abyss and his mother cowards, as well as his father and his brother (i.e. himself) Abyss are both cowards. Security stops Abyss from jumping the guardrail, but Ray tells them to back off and tells Abyss to get in the ring. Ray wants to fight right now, but Abyss tells him he’s an attorney, not a wrestler. He’s not a fighter, and doesn’t want to fight. Ray says that’s fine, but he’d like to change his plea from last week to “guilty”. He’s guilty of leaving Abyss for dead. Now, what’re you going to do, lawyer boy? Abyss grabs him by the shirt collar and shoves him down to his knees. He starts to go for a punch, but Ray threatens to sue if he gets hit. Abyss is sweating like R. Kelly in a kindergarten class. Seriously, drop some weight. He backs off and says he won’t stoop to Ray’s level. He has class. Ray says he’s nothing but a coward just like his brother before storming off. Abyss grabs the microphone and says that, if Ray wants to fight, let’s do it right now. Ray just asks him a bunch of times if he wants to fight, because I guess he’s deaf. Ray then says they’ll fight at Slammiversary as Abyss checks his prosthetic dental plate to make sure it looks like he still has a full set of teeth.
Up next, Austin Aries defends the X-Division title against Chris Sabin.
We get a video for Crimson’s less-than-impressive undefeated streak, which has apparently lasted for 462 days. I don’t think I could care about this man any less than I already do, and this video isn’t going to change that. We then see Crimson talking to Anonymous Interviewer about the video we just saw, saying he can’t be beaten.
MATCH 2-World X-Division Championship: Chris Sabin vs. Champion Austin Aries
Before the match starts, we see Austin Aries wetting his hair and talking to D’Lo Brown about something that can’t be heard. Samoa Joe then walks by, looking irritated. Certainly a pointless segment there. Taz keeps talking about how the “behind the scenes” footage is so cool. Yeah, that’s it. We see several counters to start the match. Aries hits a Japanese armdrag into an armbar, which Sabin reverses into a headscissors. Aries reverses a corner whip. Sabin tries a headscissors out of the corner but ends up getting a slingshot sunset flip instead. Aries rolls through, hits a dropkick for 2, then hits a tope and a jumping elbow for another 2. Sabin lands a boot to the face and goes for a crucifix, which Aries reverses into a la magistral for 2. Sabin gets out and boots Aries. Aries back drops him over the top rop onto the apron, then dropkicks him in the stomach before hitting a suicide dive to the floor. Aries throws him back in and goes up top, but Sabin crotches him, turning it into a Tree of Woe. Sabin tries for a baseball slide, but Aries gets out and lands a missile dropkick. He misses a corner dropkick, and Sabin baseball slides him to the floor, followed by a cross body from the middle rope. Sabin hits a suspended corkscrew neckbreaker for 2 back in the ring. He looks for the Cradle Shock, but Aries reverses into the brainbuster. Sabin reverses into the Cradle Shock again, but Aries rolls through on the landing and turns it into a victory roll for the pin.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Austin Aries. The X-Division is the only thing worth watching on this show anymore, and Sabin & Aries just showed you why. Awesome stuff in this match. I apologize if I missed any moves, but I had a hard time keeping up with it. That’s how good these two are.
We see a video from earlier today, where Hulk Hogan was talking to Taz in the back. Apparently, Taz is replacing Ric Flair as the third “Gut Check” judge. Taz says that, with the “Gut Check”, we’re getting the real Taz, which some people don’t like. Hogan tells him to call it like he sees it, and says the “Gut Check” is the future of this company.
We are backstage from Nashville from earlier this week, seeing the judges discuss Joey Ryan. Al Snow and Taz call Joey Ryan interesting. Bruce Pritchard wants to talk about his look. Snow says he looks like Snow and Aries had a lovechild, but he likes the look, as it’s very unique. Pritchard calls him a “70s porn reject”, which Taz correctly points out that’s part of the gimmick. Pritchard says he’s trying to be something he’s not, and Snow & Taz disagree. Pritchard says that fans on Twitter say Ryan is much better than Silva (no sh*t, Sherlock). Taz points out that, although Ryan didn’t know who he was going to face, and when Aries came out, Ryan didn’t look like he was taking the fight seriously, talking about his pose in the corner, and that bothered him. That’s called showmanship, jackass. Taz says he needs a balance between charisma and acting like you’re in the fight for your life. Snow thinks he took it more seriously than Taz and Pritchard are giving him credit for. Pritchard says he wasn’t blown away, but he was still impressed. However, there were negatives, and they can’t be ignored. Ryan has one more chance tonight to impress them, and maybe he’ll make the most of it and see his passion tonight.
Up next, Brooke Hogan makes her debut and gives me more fodder for the column I’m planning about TNA.
We’re backstage now, and Jeremy Borash is with Jeff Hardy, Rob Van Dam, Mr. Anderson, Robbie T and Robbie E, who are all up for a shot at Devon’s TV title tonight. Since it’s up to the fans who gets the shot tonight, I can pretty much guarantee it’ll be “The King of the 8-Ball”. If you don’t know who I’m referring to, you haven’t been watching wrestling long enough.
Back in the Impact Zone, Dixie Carter is making her way out. I had forgotten how awful her entrance music, not to mention how frightening her face is. She says that it’s hard to believe that, in 10 days, TNA will be 10 years old. Yeah, I don’t know how the hell it’s lasted this long either. She praises all the wrestlers and the fans for supporting the company. On September 10th in Arlington, TX, we will have Slammiversary. On that night, she will be announcing the very first TNA Wrestling Hall of Fame inductee. Yeah, because this company has done anything to deserve its own Hall of Fame. She has some news about the Knockouts Division now. The division has the best female wrestlers in the world (*snickers*), and it needs someone in charge who can run it for the next ten years. This girl has been under Dixie Carter’s radar for years, especially for her outside-of-the-box thinking (*snickers again*). She then introduces Brooke Hogan, who comes out to music that she has been recorded by her. Her voice sounds like a bag of wet cats being slammed against the side of a barn. And holy hell, is she a monster. I can’t decide who is more scarecrow-like here, her or Dixie. Dixie’s less plastic, so we’ll go with Brooke. God, her face is going to give me nightmares for weeks. Brooke thanks Dixie for the opportunity, then thanks the fans for welcoming her, despite the fact that the fans are sh*tting all over here. They are dumping all over her in this segment. She says she has some “big yellow boots to fill”, but she’s taking this very seriously, and really cares about all of the girls.
The Tag Team Champions are in the back. They can’t believe that, with all of Dixie’s big announcements, she failed to mention the video of her and AJ Styles. Daniels says they’ll make her take notice, one way or another.
Up next, the TV title match.
We get footage from Slammiversary in 2005, which saw Christian Cage debut. Funny that they use this footage, now that Christian is back in WWE, doing better than he ever did in TNA.
MATCH 3-World Television Championship: Champion Devon vs. Jeff Hardy
Hardy gets the nod with over 40% of the votes. Gee, there’s a surprise. Tie-up to start, with Devon going into an arm wringer. Hardy counters with a hammerlock, and Devon counters with a side headlock. Devon takes him down with a shoulder for 2. Hardy trips him for 2. Devon gets a schoolboy for 2. Bullsh*t “indy clap” follows. Hardy catches a headscissors out of the corner, but Devon no-sells it and takes Hardy down with a clothesline. Devon hits a bodyslam but misses a jumping headbutt. Hardy hits a spinning mule kick and a corner clothesline. He elbows off a corner charge and hits the Botch in the Wind for 2. Hardy goes to the middle rope, but Devon hits him and lands a hanging neckbreaker for 2. Devon locks in a Trapezius claw and lands an elbow drop for 2. Hardy slides out of a bodyslam and hits the Twist of Cocaine and goes up for the Swanton, but Robbie E and Robbie T hit the ring, ending the match.
WINNER: No contest. After a couple hits by the heels, eventually, Devon and Hardy drive the Robs out of the ring. Once again, Robbie T refuses to take a bump.
We get another damn video for James Storm and his “small-town” lifestyle. How many times do we have to see these? He talks about how his family life is “It Factor”, then talks about losing to Bobby Roode at Lockdown, and letting people down. His daughter asks if he’s going back to wrestling, and Storm tells the cameraman to shut the camera off. Don’t worry, Storm. I never thought highly of you in the first place, so it’s impossible for me to be let down by you.
More video, this time recapping the feud between AJ Styles and Chris-Zarian. Two talented guys being stuck in a really stupid storyline, with Kazarian there to do nothing but take up space like always? Sounds like #TNASense to me.
We’re back in the Impact Zone, and it’s time for the “Gut Check” judges to make a decision on Joey Ryan. Taz should probably drop the “Human Suplex Machine” nickname since he hasn’t thrown a suplex in nearly a decade. Joey Ryan makes his way out, in full character. I have met this man in-person, and he is hilarious in real life. Just saying. Ryan tells the judges he’s a big deal, and people know him. In fact, Joey Ryan is trending worldwide right now on Twitter. 87% of the Impact fan base on Twitter said “yes” to Joey Ryan. Bruce Pritchard gives his thoughts first. He says he looks like Ron Burgundy, and is a hell of a talent. But, after Ryan’s 12 years in the business, his answer is no. Yeah, that makes sense, you fat waste of space. Al Snow is up next. He doesn’t like Joey Ryan and doesn’t like his attitude. Ryan acts like he already has a job. He doesn’t like the way he walks and the way he acts. But, it’s about whether he has the potential to be an Impact star. So, his vote is yes. Ryan is working his gimmick like nobody’s business the entire time. Ryan says that, for a company that prides itself on social networking but still ignores that 87%, it makes him question their contracts. He then looks at Taz and says that he knows Taz’s stance in the business and trusts he’ll make the right decision. Taz says that, if that was the promo that Ryan can come up with to get a job, he’s out of his frigging mind. Ryan gets in his face and accuses him of being nothing more than a commentator. Taz then says he’s forgotten more about this business than Joey Ryan will ever learn before saying “no”. Joey Ryan tells Taz he’s out of his mind and says he screwed up. Taz tells him to prove him wrong. Go back on the road and keep working, then come back when he’s ready and prove him wrong.
Well, that’s it. The “Gut Check” is officially a massive failure. Alex Silva, who isn’t worth the flesh he’s printed on (that’s for my fellow “Tales From the Crypt: Demon Knight” fans), lands a contract, but Joey Ryan, one of the best all-around talents on the indy circuit today, doesn’t. And TNA wonders why people have no faith in them to make new stars.
More video, this time with Bobby Roode in front of a crowd in London, who seemed to be very receptive to him. He then lists off his accomplishments to the fans (who we can’t even see, thanks to this camera angle).
Slammiversary is in 10 days, and they’ve just now only started announcing the card. You have to love TNA booking.
MATCH 4: World Tag Team Co-Champion Christopher Daniels vs. AJ Styles
Daniels slaps Styles out of the corner, and Styles chases him around the ring. Back in the ring, a criss-cross sequence ends with a chop to the chest by Styles. Taz is rambling on about how much he dislikes Joey Ryan. Go to hell, Taz. Styles lands a dropkick and a forearm in the corner. Daniels lands a hard right out of the corner, knocking Styles down. Daniels with more punches. Styles gets his feet up on the corner charge, floats to the ring apron and slams Daniels into the turnbuckles. Daniels blocks a second attempt, and after several suplex attempts by both, Daniels hotshots Styles over the top rope, then bumps him off the apron into the guardrail. Commercials.
Back from the break, Daniels has Styles in a standing armbar. He lets go and proceeds to stomp Styles before hitting a bodyslam and a split-legged moonsault for 2. Daniels now has Styles in a neckhold that appears for all the world that he’s trying to force Styles into fellatio. I just call it like I see it, folks. Styles gets back up and punches Daniels several times, backing him into a corner. Styles begins alternating between punches and chops, but Daniels cuts it short by whipping him sternum-first into the turnbuckle. Styles flips out of a back suplex and lands a spinning heel kick off the ropes. Daniels misses a corner charge, and Styles lays him out with several clotheslines and punches. Styles picks him up in an Argintean backbreaker, then turns it into a spin-out powerbomb for 2. Daniels gets up and sets Styles up on the turnbuckles before landing a big uppercut. Daniels looks for the Fall From Grace, but Styles fights out and lands the Superman. Daniels reverses a corner whip. Styles elbows and goes for the moonsault into the inverted DDT. Daniels snapmares out and tries a hair whip, which Styles turns into a Pele in one smooth motion. He looks for the Styles Clash, but gets distracted by Kaz, who just jumped on the apron. Daniels gets 2 off a quick schoolboy, but Styles quickly comes back with the moonsault into the inverted DDT for the 3.
[adinserter block=”1″]WINNER: AJ Styles. Kazarian immediately attacks Styles after the match, ramming his head into the mat. Kurt Angle finally comes down and drops Kazarian with the Angle Slam, then puts him in the ankle lock. Daniels eventually breaks the hold with a low blow from behind. The champs then hit a sweep/spinning heel kick combo. How in the hell do you botch a sweep, Kazarian? Kazarian then gets some of those zip ties that police use as riot cuffs and begin tying Angle to the bottom rope. Daniels levels Styles with a belt shot, knocking him out. He takes the belt and then lands a shot to Angle’s head, knocking him out as well. Daniels gets on the microphone and tells the crowd “You’re Welcome”. Damien Sandow, he is not. We’ve showed you pictures and video, but you still don’t believe us. Don’t worry, baby birds. Daniels will feed you. He then plays audio of a telephone conversation between Dixie Carter and Styles, with Carter telling him she’s glad he’s coming, and he has to make sure her husband doesn’t know. Dixie Carter then comes out to the announce table, gets on the headset and tells the audio crew to cut the tape before yelling “You’re finished!” as the show goes off the air.
End of show.
Why is Dixie Carter the way she is? I hate so much about the things she chooses to be.
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