Welcome to the 5-10-12 edition of Impact Wrestling. I really need to find a new way to start these things, don’t I?
Show starts off with footage from last week, as Bobby Roode laid out Mr. Anderson, RVD and Jeff Hardy with a chair. This segues into the Impact Zone, where Bobby Roode is making his way down to the ring. This coming Sunday, Roode will defend the World Championship against RVD. If TNA is smart, Roode will retain the title and continue being one of the better champions they’ve had in a long time. Of course, this is TNA, so RVD will probably win. Roode asks if there’s anything more he can do to prove to the fans he’s the best champion in the history of the company, as well as the most dominant. Last week, not only did he defeat and embarrass Mr. Anderson, but he also took Mr. Anderson out. Not only that, but he took out Jeff Hardy. And, he took out RVD as well. One man, one athlete, one champion, taking out three men all at the same time. Sometimes, he amazes himself on how great of a champion he is. Speaking of great things, he has great news for everyone. In fourteen days, Bobby Roode goes down in history, as he will become the longest-reigning World Champion in the history of TNA. Longer than AJ, Hardy, Angle, Sting, no one has held the title longer than him (again, I can see RVD winning here, unfortunately). In three days, when RVD gets in the ring with the IT Factor of professional wrestling. If RVD thinks he’ll outwrestle Roode and take the belt, he’s sadly mistaken. There is absolutely no one and nothing that will stop his World title domination.
RVD decides it’s time to earn his paycheck for the week and comes down to chase Roode off. As RVD is standing in the ring with the belt, Mr. Anderson comes down from behind and attacks Roode like a coward. The faces then double-team Roode, and this leads to Jeff Hardy coming down for a triple-team. Hardy and Anderson then start fighting each other as referees and the Elite Beat Agents (Snow, D-Lo and Kenney) come down to break things up. Hulk Hogan’s music hits, and he stops at the stage. He says he likes what he’s seeing. By the looks of things, Hardy and Anderson both want a piece of Roode, as well as each other. RVD, are you sending Hogan a message you want a piece of Roode right now? That’s the way it looks. Hogan’s got a main event tonight that will “flip-flop” this whole company. He needs to talk to RVD about it, because if RVD agrees, Hogan will set up a fatal 4-way tonight where each person has both something to gain and lose. If Hardy or Anderson win, they take RVD’s spot at the PPV. If Roode wins, he can pick whoever he wants to face of the three at Sacrifice. If RVD agrees to the match and wins, he can make the PPV match feature any stipulation he wants. Is RVD willing to make the Sacrifice, brother? RVD nods in agreement, and now the PPV match that TNA has surprisingly been promoting for the last couple of weeks will potentially become typical TNA booking in that it gets changed at the last minute. Brother. Dude. Jack. Pythons.
Later tonight, we will hear from James Storm for the very first time in a couple weeks. Also, the final confrontation between Crimson and Matt Morgan. Up next, it’s Workrate vs. Anonymous Brooke.
In the ladies’ locker room area, we see Gail Kim and Madison Rayne talking. Kim is talking about how Tessy has been lucky lately, but she can’t beat Kim when the title’s on the line. Rayne asks her what she thinks of Rayne’s shirt. “It’s fine. It’s shiny.” Everyone talks about how beautiful Tessy is and how great her body is; she’s Photoshopped. Kim doesn’t need all of that. Rayne asks her about her underwear for the evening. Kim says they’re fine before asking what’s up with Rayne. Rayne says it’s a guy, but she doesn’t want to talk about it. Kim leaves to watch the next match.
MATCH 1: Velvet Sky vs. Brooke Tessmacher
I really hate the way TNA does the WCW thing where they briefly film the wrestler coming out before zooming in the big screen or company logo. Tie-up to start, with Sky backing Brooke into the corner. Sky shakes her butt off the clean break. Brooke then does the same thing, jiggling her butt. Sky goes into a side headlock, and lands a shoulder off the ropes for 1. Arm wringer by Sky into a corner whip. Sky hits a running forearm in the corner and looks for a bulldog, but Brooke shoves her off into the opposite corner. Brooke runs in and lands a monkey flip, sending Sky into the other corner. Brooke goes up for mounted punches, and Sky shoves her off for 2. Sky does her stupid kick/chop combo, but runs into a Dropsh*t, sending her into the corner. Brooke does a hip bump, followed by a stinkface. Sky climbs back up and sidesteps a charge, landing a bulldog for 2. Sky sends Brooke into the corner, then kicks her in the gut a few times. Sky with her stupid knees to the face, followed by a snapmare and seated dropkick for 2. She goes to pick Brooke up, and Brooke snags her in a small package for 2. Sky sets up for In Yo Face, but Brooke backs her into the corner, breaking the hold. Brooke drop-toe holds her into the corner, then botches her finisher, which I am calling the Brooke Shield until she gives it a name. Brooke goes for the pin and gets the 3.
WINNER: Anonymous Brooke. Gail Kim runs into the ring and attacks from behind after the match. Kim nails Eat Defeat on Brooke before talking some trash.
Still to come, we apparently get footage of James Storm feeding horses and playing in dirt.
Up next, a match rivaling Ed “Strangler” Lewis vs. Lou Thesz as Crimson takes on Matt Morgan.
Anonymous Interviewer stops AJ Styles when he enters the building to ask obvious questions about Kazarian and Christopher Daniels. Styles says he has Kurt Angle in three days, and that’s who he’s focused on, and nothing else. As far as this secret goes, no comment.
Jeff Hardy is talking to AI #2. The Selfish Generation is coming to end, and thanks to the main event tonight, he gets a chance to be the one to end it.
MATCH 2: Crimson vs. Matt Morgan
As Morgan makes his way out, he is attacked by Bully Ray from behind. Ray takes his chain out before kicking Morgan in the stomach. Ray then screams at Christy Hemme and SoCal Val before grabbing a chair. Morgan pulls himself up on the ring post, and Ray smacks the ring post, completely missing Morgan in every way possible. Morgan still sells it like he got hurt, though. He then turns to the camera and tells Austin Aries that will be him. Morgan has smeared some corn syrup on his head to make it look like he’s busted open. Either that, or he did a very, very obvious blade job, because Ray wasn’t even close to making contact. The Elite Beat Agents make their way out to try and stop this, but Ray yells at them.
WINNER: No contest. Morgan is pretending to twitch as the medics check on him. They’re missing their white masks and matching tights, though, which makes it totally obvious they’re fakes.
Back from the break, we see that Morgan was loaded on a stretcher when the cameras were off. Ray still hung around on the map, watching as Morgan was being wheeled away, still pretending to shake.
Crimson is still in the ring, saying what just happened was unfortunate. What else is unfortunate is that week after week, Morgan would continue to yell that he was going to be the man to end Crimson’s undefeated streak. Delusion is a scary thing, and he knows it (he should, since he thinks he’s a star). He’s feeling very gracious and benevolent tonight. How about the referee give Morgan another chance to come down here and fight tonight. Give him a count of ten, and let him try to answer the count. The referee rings the bell, so I guess this is officially a match now.
MATCH 2, Part 2: Crimson vs. Matt Morgan
The referee counts down to 10, so Crimson wins by count-out.
WINNER: Crimson. By far, his best performance ever. Crimson says what happened was sad, but also predictable. He calls Morgan an underachiever and that his career is a disappointment. Can’t say I disagree with that part.
We get a video package for RVD, talking about how rough he had things and blah, blah, blah. I really don’t care.
Up next, Austin Aries actually gets to defend the World X-Division title. Huzzah! Another Festivus miracle!
Make sure you vote for James Storm’s “music video” on some country music site! Or don’t, as it doesn’t matter.
MATCH 3-World X-Division Championship: Zema Ion vs. Champion Austin Aries
I was wondering if Ion still worked here. Let’s see if he can end another career with a botched moonsault tonight. Tie-up to start, with Aries backing Ion into the corner. Ion uses some hairspray on his head. Criss-cross sequence ends with Aries breaking a headscissors and landing a dropkick, sending Ion to the floor. Aries goes up top for a dive, but Ion moves out of the way, sending Aries into the guardrail. Ion botches a running somersault plancha to the floor. Back in the ring, Ion lands some kind of stupid kick for 2, followed by some stomps for another 2. Aries fights back from his knees. Ion responds with a thumb to the eyes and lands his back suplex into a facebreaker for 2. Bodyslam by Ion, and he goes for a running middle rope moonsault, which Aries blocks with his knees. Aries with some forearm shots and elbows to the top of the head. Aries sends Ion into the turnbuckles chest-first and lands a rolling elbow. Aries clotheslines Ion offer the top to the floor, then follows up with a suicide dive. Ion gets back in the ring, where he receives a hotshot and a very theatrical splash by Aries for 2. Aries goes up to the top, where Ion blocks him. Ion goes up for the hurricanrana, but Aries holds on, sending Ion back to the mat. Aries lands a missile dropkick, sending Ion to the opposite corner. Aries lands a running dropkick in the corner and follows up with a vicious brainbuster for the 3.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Austin Aries. Aries has easily one of the top three best brainbusters I’ve ever seen.
We see Kazarian and Christopher Daniels in the back. Daniels says Styles isn’t their friend. As far as their jobs go, they are on solid ground, so it’s time to go out there and show the world what they’ve got.
Back from the break, we see the footage of what opened the show, which, for those of you keeping score, happened less than an hour. Guess TNA thinks their fans all have ADD.
We get another interview with RVD. Typical “I know I can beat these guys…I do things my way” crap that he’s been doing for years. He then makes a veiled remark about winning Money in the Bank a few years ago.
Video package for the Kazarian/Daniels/Styles feud. I love Daniels and Styles, but this feud is so stupid and obnoxious. It doesn’t help that Kaz is factored in, who is worthless. Back in the ring, Daniels and Kaz are there, and Daniels has a microphone. He calls the crowd “sad clowns”. Last week, he gave Styles an ultimatum, to come out here and reveal his secret, or Daniels would do it for him. He hasn’t heard from Styles in the last seven days, but he’s going to give Styles one more chance. AJ, come out here and set the record straight. Styles doesn’t show up after a few seconds, so Daniels says he hates to do this, but as the new face of the company, he thinks the fans deserve to know the truth about their boy. Styles’ music finally hits and he makes his way to the ring. Styles stops at ringside. He tells the heels he doesn’t know what they think they have over him, but it needs to stop now. Why? Because these two are about to make the biggest mistake of their lives. Kaz says Styles made the mistake. He was trying to protect Styles, but then he looked at all of Styles’ accomplishments compared to theirs, and then began to ask himself why he’s protecting Styles. Styles made a mistake, and this is the proof. Kaz opens an envelope and shows a picture to Styles. It’s a photo of Styles and Dixie Carter standing together, talking. Styles doesn’t get what the big deal is. Daniels says he has more pictures. The next picture is Daniels holding Carter’s face in his hands. Daniels says this looks more touchy-feely. What could they be talking about that Styles would put his hands on the president of the company? Styles is speechless. Daniels then reveals another picture, and it’s Styles kissing her on the neck, hugging her close to him. Daniels says that, since day one, Styles has been the poster boy of this company. When he looks at these photos, well, as the old saying goes, a picture is worth a thousand words. Daniels leaves the ring, followed by Kaz, who drops the photos at Styles’ feet.
After the commercial, you get to see what you just saw one more time.
MATCH 4-World Television Championship: Robbie E (w/Robbie T) vs. Champion Devon
Why do I feel like this match has happened repeatedly over the last few weeks or so? What’s that? Oh. My sources are telling me it feels that way because it’s true. Devon charges the ring and begins attacking both guys. T gets clotheslined out of the ring as the match officially starts. Devon pounds E in the corner. Thesz Press off the ropes, followed by some punches and a jumping headbutt. T trips Devon off the ropes and drags him to the floor. Devon slams his head into the steps. E tries to attack from behind, but Devon sees him coming and clotheslines him (Tenay: “Knockout punch!”). Back in the ring, Devon hits the standing spinebuster and gets the 3.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Devon. After the match, Robbie T runs in and slams Devon into the turnbuckle. He then follows up with an over-the-shoulder powerslam that has Davey Boy Smith spinning over in his grave. Robbie E then holds up the belt over his head.
Footage from last month when we saw James Storm the last time. This leads into a video package for James Storm, saying he needs to take time for himself right now. He’s on his ranch, showing us how he does his chores. It’s pretty much what you’d expect, as Storm is playing up the angle, droning on about self-doubt and that kind of thing.
Mike Tenay hypes tonight’s 4-way match, completely ignoring that Mr. Anderson and Jeff Hardy are in it, only talking about what will happen if RVD or Roode wins, which pretty much gives away that either Roode or RVD are winning this one. Genius work there, “Professor”.
Joseph Abyss is in the back, asking a stagehand which direction the ring is, as apparently he’s headed that way.
Devon is in the back, yelling at Anonymous Interviewer. It’s never been a fair fight since he won the title, as those two jacka**es (E.T.) are always in his face. If they want a fight, they got one. At Sacrifice, he wants both of them, and the outcome will still be the same. He’ll spinebuster both their a**es. Oh, his brother! Testify.
Video package for this whole stupid Abyss angle. The whole thing with Styles is stupid, but this thing with Abyss is approximately 812 times worse. Joseph Abyss makes his way out, pretending to be really excited by all of this. Love how they’ve added he’s a “renowned lawyer” in Chicago. Abyss is trying to talk to the crowd, but forgets to grab a microphone. The morons in the crowd chant “Where’s Abyss?” Abyss finally gets his microphone. Over the last few months, he’s watched a ton of his own matches in this building, and he tore this place down to the ground. Fun, wasn’t it? Abyss would like to thank Hogan for allowing him to come out here. We’ll have to bear with him, as he’s not used to speaking to large crowds. Everyone knows why he’s here-he’s looking for himself. You know, Abyss? Over his investigation, every clue he received, every lead he followed, every interview he did, there was one common thread: Bully Ray. He told Ray last week he wasn’t going away until he gets answer about where is himself. On his way in tonight, he saw a sign for Sacrifice this Sunday. He might just buy a ticket to that thing and sit with the fans to watch it.
Bully Ray’s music hits, and he comes out, already screaming into a microphone. Ray says he’s tired of hearing this crap. This is a load of crap. There’s something not right with Abyss and himself. Something’s not right. Does this look like a courtroom to you? Does this look like a cauwtroom to you? No, it’s not a courtroom, stupid! It’s a wrestling ring, and you have no business being in a wrestling ring or wrestling arena? Did Abyss see what he did to Matt Morgan? How would he feel if Ray did that to him? Aybss says Ray is right; he’s everything he says he is. It got Abyss thinking, though, back to the night when he disappeared. That night, Abyss had a match with Ray, and beat him. Table that for a second. Two weeks ago, Ray’s former partner of 20 years who Ray claims to have carried (Devon, for those of you keeping score), called Ray down to the ring, and then beat him. Abyss says to table that as well. God, Abyss is a horrible actor. Let’s go back to last week when Ray was invited down to the ring by Austin Aries, a man with incredible talent but half Ray’s size. Aries beat Ray down then. How is that bullying thing working out for Ray? In response to this, Ray knocks Abyss down to the mat before saying, “That’s how it’s working out for me.” Abyss then begins to laugh as Ray leaves the ring.
Mr. Anderson is in the back, talking obnoxiously about his match tonight. He’s scheduled to face Jeff Hardy at Sacrifice, but if he wins tonight, Hardy steps aside, and “I’m taking my title back, BUDDY! *whispers* My title. My title.”
King Mo has signed with TNA. So, he finally usurped Mabel and is now getting his time in the spotlight.
We get Slammiversary moment #9, which is footage of Hogan’s debut with the company. Only problem? This didn’t happen at Slammiversary, and in fact happened on an episode of Impact.
Kurt Angle is talking to Anonymous Interviewer about AJ Styles. Angle calls Styles a good guy, and he needs to focus on the task at hand, which is getting crippled by Angle at Sacrifice. When his bones are mending, he can focus on these allegations.
Mike Tenay and Taz runs down the card for Sacrifice, which has apparently added Samoa Joe and Magnus defending the tag belts against Kazarian and Christopher Daniels, as well as Bully Ray vs. Austin Aries. You know, I expected these matches to happen, but TNA could have possibly announced them a little earlier in order to get people to start talking about them and get interested in them.
Another RVD video. I’m beginning to hate him.
MATCH 4-Fatal 4-Way Match to Potentially and Needlessly Change the Sacrifice Card: Rob Van Dam vs. Mr. Anderson vs. Jeff Hardy vs. World Champion Bobby Roode (non-title)
Thankfully, Anderbotch skips his stupid self-introduction. Match starts with the three faces taking turns attacking Roode in the corner. Anderson shoves the other two off and begins choking Roode with his foot. RVD shoves him off and lays in some punches on Roode. Hardy and Anderson are trading blows now. Roode fights back on Hardy and Anderson. He sends both Anderson and RVD to the floor before throwing Hardy into the corner. Roode with some punches and a corner whip. Hardy gets his elbow up and goes for Whisper in the Wind, but Roode sidesteps it, sending Hardy’s stupid ass crashing to the mat. Roode goes for the pin, but only gets 2. Commercials.
WINNER: Rob Van Dam. Gee, who didn’t see that coming, especially since he already announced the stipulation he wants for the match on Sunday (a ladder match, BTW) earlier in the show. RVD goes under the ring and pulls out the ladder that just happens to be there. He then climbs up and taunts Roode from the top. Meanwhile, Anderson and Hardy are yelling at each other. We see fireworks go off, and Abyss makes his way out. Only this time, he’s actually dressed like Abyss and not Joe. Abyss sends a message to himself, Joseph. Joseph is getting to close to the fire. Back off before you get burned. Abyss’ music is more generic than ever.
End of show.
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