Welcome to the 3-29-12 edition of Impact Wrestling. Last week, we ended on a “cliffhanger”, that being Hogan as the new GM of Impact. Would he take the job? Would he turn it down? Does anyone in their right mind give a flying f*** at a rolling donut? We will answer at least one of these questions tonight (the answer is “no”), oh, and there might be some wrestling as well.
We get a video package for the Dixie/Hogan/Sting fiasco from last week. Dixie Carter is horrifying in HD. Speaking of Ditsy, she’s in the back, telling Anonymous Interviewer that she expects a decision from Hogan tonight, and we’ll see what happens.
In the Impact Zone, Bobby Roode is making his way to the ring, flanked by “police officers”. Love the rental costumes, boys. For everyone that has contacted Impact Wrestling, stating that they want Roode fired, he has a message for each of them-“You can all kiss my World Championship ass.” Without him, this company is absolutely nothing. At Victory Road, he accomplished exactly what he set out to do, and that was physically and mentally beat Sting down. Not only did he win the fight, but last Thursday night, when Sting stepped down as the GM, that meant Roode won the war as well. He is a better man, a better wrestler and a better champion than Sting ever was. And Dixie Carter, you want to stick your nose in the champ’s business? You got yours. Keep your nose out of his business, because nothing and no one will stop him. What you need to know now, his lawyer stated last week that he doesn’t even have to be here. His only obligation to the company is at Lockdown in his match with James Storm. As far as he’s concerned, Impact Wrestling has become a hostile work environment, hence some of “Orlando’s finest”. The police are here for Storm’s safety. Last week, Storm called the champ out and wanted a fight. The last thing Storm wants is to fight Roode, and he knows that Roode is better than him in every way possible. Storm wants to run his mouth, but when you’re as great as Roode, you don’t need any luck.
[adinserter block=”2″]Right on cue, James Storm’s music hits. He comes down to the ring, but the police officers have made a line between him and Roode. Storm questions Roode’s manhood, asking what kind of man lays their hands on a woman. As for the lawyer, we saw last week what happens when you send an idiot to do a man’s job. As for the mall cops, he’s not here to steal a t-shirt; he’s here to kick the living crap out of Roode. Bully Ray comes to the ring out of nowhere and knocks Storm down with a forearm. Storm sells it like a chair shot before no-selling it completely and knocking Ray out of the ring. Roode makes a hasty getaway as Storm is distracted. Storm challenges him to a fight for tonight. Storm then adds to it, asking for Roode and Ray in a handicap match. Roode and Ray agree to it before leaving the area.
Madison Rayne and Gail Kim are in their locker room. Rayne sits down and gives the cold shoulder. Kim says she knows the last month has been tough, so she got Rayne a present. Rayne opens the box, and it’s a tiara. Kim says she may be the Knockouts Champion, but Rayne will always be the queen. Rayne apparently loves it, and Kim says Rayne will beat the crap out of Velvet Sky tonight. Oh, and just so we’re clear for those not watching, this is the same exact damn crown Rayne has been wearing for the last two years.
MATCH 1: Madison Rayne vs. Velvet Sky
I think Sky had another boob job. Just saying. As Sky gets in the ring, Rayne immediately attacks her with forearms and a foot choke in the corner. Rayne botches the hell out of a jumping side kick off the ropes before choking Sky across the bottom rope. Rayne telegraphs a back body drop before Sky hits a pair of clotheslines, a pair of jawbreakers (I guess; not sure what they were, but they looked terrible), before hitting a seated dropkick for 2. Rayne immediately goes back on offense and lands a hip bump in the corner, followed by that stupid hair facebuster all women have been doing since at least the 80s. Rayne goes for the Rayne Drop, but Sky knees her off. Sky gets her feet up on a corner charge and takes Rayne down with a belly clothesline (?). Sky hits a bulldog (Tenay: “A faceplant bulldog”. Thanks, Captain Redundancy) before hitting In Yo Face for the 3.
WINNER: Velvet Sky. “In Yo Face” may be the worst finisher name in history. Christy Hemme stops Sky on the apron for an interview. Sky says Kim never gave her her rematch for the Knockouts title. She’s putting the entire division on alert, and she’s coming for Kim and the title.
In the locker room, Bully Ray is scolding Bobby Roode. He’s tired of being embarrassed by James Storm, and Roode needs to start taking things more seriously. Storm’s a thorn in their side, and they need to take him out. Roode agrees by saying “Let’s do it! Do it!” as he extends for a handshake. Ray calls him stupid before storming off.
Earlier today, we see Dixie Carter and Hulk Hogan talking on a park bench somewhere. Carter says it’s ironic she’s asking Hogan to come back to Impact after everything they’ve been through. She’s never trusted Eric Bischoff. Hogan says they had a good run, but had some bad times, too. He participated in the bad stuff, and has to stand up for what he was a part of. Carter says that him separating himself from all of that spoke volumes, and Sting believes in him. Carter needs the real Hulk Hogan. This crap is putting me to sleep. Hogan talks about making peace with everyone, but she takes exception to that because Hogan didn’t leave her at a peaceful situation. That sounded really stupid coming out of her mouth. They banter on and on about Sting. Hogan talks about stepping into a dark cloud, blaming everything on Bobby Roode. Sting is her best shot. Carter reminds him Sting won’t do it, and help me, Obi Wan Hulk Hogan; you’re my only hope. Hogan’s instinct tells him the ship has already sailed way too far, but he will think about it. Carter asks him to at least show up tonight. Hogan agrees and says he will think about the decision. Carter immediately whips her iPhone for no reason.
We get a video package for the drama between Crimson and Matt Morgan. That match is up next.
Kurt Angle is in a locker room, telling Anonymous Interviewer he won’t give Jeff Hardy a match at Lockdown because he hates crybabies. But he has an idea. If Hardy can beat Ken Anderson tonight, he’ll get his match. However, if Jeff Hardy loses, the “Kurt Angle bus is leaving the bus station for good, Betty.” I don’t have clue number one as to where the hell that came from.
Christy Hemme starts to announce the next match, but before she can do so, World X-Division Champion Austin Aries’ music hits. He makes his way down to the ring and tells us he has a problem. We might be thinking that, after his last successful title defense, there’s no competition left, and we’d be right. However, he’s got a new problem, and that is Bully Ray. Ray is kind of a prick, and had to be embarrassed that he lost to Storm in about 2 minutes at Victory Road. Ray took out his embarrassment on anyone he saw fit, and last week, it happened to be during Aries’ title match. He’s Austin Aries, the X-Division Champion, the greatest man that ever lived, Mr. Money’s Worth, and when Ray kicked him in the face, he caused himself a problem. Aries might not be the biggest guy in the world, but he has a bigger set of balls than both of Ray’s calves combined. He speaks the truth and stands up for himself. It kind of reminds him of James Storm. He respects Storm as a guy who stands up for himself. He knows Storm wants to get his hands on Roode, he wants to get his hands on Ray. So, instead of the handicap match, Aries volunteers to be James Storm’s partner and make it a tag team match.
MATCH 2: Matt Morgan vs. Crimson
I’m surprised that, with Crimson’s undefeated streak, TNA hasn’t given him an inflated number in regards to how many matches he’s won. Morgan meets Crimson on the ramp and starts laying in the blows. He throws Crimson in, allowing the match to officially start. Crimson cuts him off with some boots and a choke. Morgan blocks a kick and hits a clothesline. Morgan gets in some mounted punches. We learn Aries’ challenge for the main event has been accepted. Crimson fights back with some back elbows in the corner and a forearm to the back. Morgan counters with a corner whip and an avalanche, before clotheslining Crimson to the floor. Morgan follows, and Crimson slams him into the ring apron and the guardrail before throwing him back in for 1. Morgan gets back up and hits a few punches, but runs right into a spinebuster for 2. Crimson locks in a cravat, hits a pair of knee lifts and a swinging neckbreaker. Crimson charges at Morgan in the corner, but Morgan sidesteps him, sending Crimson shoulder-first into the post. Morgan drops him with a pair of clotheslines and a sidewalk slam. Morgan charges, but Crimson sidesteps him and sends him to the floor. Crimson follows, and they battle on the floor. Morgan chokes Crimson over the guardrail, and they continue brawling up the ramp. Crimson looks for a piledriver, but Morgan back drops him as the bell rings, signaling a double count-out.
WINNER: No contest. The brawl continues up the ramp and out the arena doors.
Mr. Anderson/Jeff Hardy is up next.
In the production truck, “Joseph Park” introduces himself, then talks about how amazing these guys are. He then asks if they could tell him any information about Abyss, and of course, none of them know anything. He hands them a business card and tells them to call if they find anything.
Ooh, we get the world premier of James Storm’s music video tonight, “Longnecks and Rednecks”. Rhyming “necks” with “necks”? Damn, that’s clever.
MATCH 3: Mr. Anderson vs. Jeff Hardy
You know there’s a problem any time I root for Jeff Hardy, but unfortunately, this is one of those times. Why can’t he do us all a favor and injure himself while simultaneously nearly crippling his opponent like he did to Randy Orton? That way, we’d get both of them off our televisions for at least a little while. Of course, the difference here is, instead of Anderson being fired for being a f***ing clownshoe in the ring, he’d be given a World title run upon returning. Tie-up to start, with Anderson backing Hardy into the corner. BTW, has anyone noticed that the word “ass” gets bleeped on this show on a regular basis, yet Anderson can say (and ruin) the word “assh*le” as often as he likes with zero censorship? Yet another reason to hate him. Anyway, Hardy gets in a side headlock, but Anderson reverses into one of his own. Anderson turns it into a hammerlock, which Hardy reverses into one of his own and turns it into another headlock. Hardy with a hip toss off the ropes, but Anderson comes back with a drop toe hold and goes right back to the headlock. Shoulder block by Anderson, and a criss-cross results in a kick to the ribs on Hardy. Hardy reverses a corner whip and hits an avalanche, but misses the whipping corner dropkick, allowing Anderson to score a 2. Anderson goes into a rear chinlock now. I guess this is his way of getting back at Orton? Hardy hits a forearm and a back elbow, before landing an inverted atomic drop and a double legdrop for 2. Anderson catches Hardy off the ropes and hits a front powerslam for 2. A series of elbow drops follow, and now Anderson’s looking for the Mic Check. He goes for it, but Hardy fights out and goes for a Twist of Fate. Anderson blocks and they accidentally headbutt each other, sending Hardy to the floor. As the referee checks on Anderson, Angle comes down, low blows Hardy and sends him into the ring post before throwing him back in the ring while hiding by the ring apron. Back in the ring, Anderson hits the Mic Check and gets the 3.
WINNER: Mr. Anderson.
It’s time for James Storm’s music video, and it’s beyond awful. I’m not recapping this. Even if you’re a Storm fan, this is terrible.
We see Dixie Carter arrive in the building. At the same time, Eric Bischoff has just arrived.
We see ODB and Eric Young are meeting with a wedding planner. They begin looking at dresses. Young says he wants to wear the dress. . They then look at ring bearer pillows and ties for Young. She then says she does bachelor parties as well. ODB kicks her out and says they don’t need any of this. She decides they’re getting married in the ring, inside a steel cage.
Eric Bischoff makes his way down to the ring. Apparently, he has one final challenge for his son tonight, as Mike Tenay hasn’t been able to shut up about it for the entire broadcast. Bischoff tells us he’s an amazing man, and sometimes, he even amazes himself. It’s exciting to be him, and he’ll give us an example. He has the ability to manifest change and exert his will in a company with nothing more than a contract that says he gets camera time whenever he wants it. That little bit of power allows him to do whatever he wants, and it’s like a “psychological little ninja-type thing”. He’s going to clue us into the secret of his success. Every day, he makes a checklist of everything he wants accomplished that day. For example, he wanted Sting gone as GM. Check. He then wanted Dixie Carter to find someone who couldn’t even live up to Sting’s abilities. Check. And every day, he wants to increase his personal wealth. Check. However, there is one thing he can’t get checked off his list, and he’s going to fix it right now. He’d like to invite his son to the ring in order to do that.
Garett Bischoff makes his way down to the ring. Anyone else think of Maven when they see this tool? Eric is going to give Garett the chance to live a long, happy life and put all of this behind him. If Garett doesn’t take this opportunity, he will get hurt. At Lockdown, he wants Garett to fight Gunner (for the 812th time), with no outside interference. He can avoid the match by walking away right now. Garett calls his dad a jacka** (And yes, it was bleeped. See what I meant earlier?), and says Eric can’t seem to grasp the simple concept that Garett isn’t going anywhere. Being in a cage with Gunner isn’t going to scare him, and if Eric thinks it does, he’s dumber than everyone thinks he is. Gunner better bring everything he’s got.
The main event is up next, because L. Ron Hubbard forbid Hogan/Carter doesn’t go on dead last.
American Reunion: Because the cast members need work, and Tara Reid needs money to continue fueling her addictions.
We now get a video of James Storm training for his match at Lockdown in a shack.
Hulk Hogan has just arrived in the building.
MATCH 4: Bully Ray and World Champion Bobby Roode vs. World X-Division Champion Austin Aries and James Storm
Taz just referred to Christy Hemme as “Possibly the greatest ring announcer of fire in the history of ring announcers of fire.” I don’t even know where to start with that one, so I’m just going to move on. Apparently, James Storm’s entrance theme is the only one you can download, as he’s the only guy who ever gets his theme plugged on the show. Aries and Ray start the match off. Ray yells that he has a big mouth for such a small man. Ray immediately tags out to Roode. Aries goes to tag out to Storm, but Roode cuts him off with a forearm to the back. Roode throws Aries into a corner and stomps him down before picking him back up and hitting a shoulder thrust. Aries counters a corner whip and lands a drop toe hold. Roode tries to back drop him to the floor, but Aries lands on the apron and shoulders Roode in the midsection before flipping back into the ring. Roode stops his momentum with a clothesline and a stomp to the gut. Aries backflips out of a back suplex attempt and lands a rolling elbow as we go to commercial.
Back from the break, Ray has tagged back in. Aries hits an elbow to the back and numerous strikes to the head and gut in the corner. Aries charges in, but Ray gets his boot up, dropping Aries to the mat. Ray hits an open-hand chop to the chest before hitting a jumping splash while he yells at no one in particular. Ray throws him to the corner and tags in Roode, who hits a suplex and a jumping knee drop. Roode drags Aries to the corner and stomps him down. Roode stomps Aries in the midsection before tagging Ray back in. Ray lands an elbow to the back of the head before throwing him to corner. Roode starts talking trash to Aries, but Aries elbows him off the apron, goes to the top rope and hits a missile dropkick on Ray. Beautiful dropkick, BTW. Storm tags in and hits a bunch of punches, a forearm, an inverted atomic drop and a clothesline. Another clothesline before slingshotting Roode into the ring. Ray nails Storm from behind as he’s yelling at Roode. After a few shots by Ray, Storm quickly hits Closing Time, setting up for the Last Call. Roode grabs the beer bottle and takes a swig. He goes to spit it in Storm’s face, but Storm ducks, with Ray catching a faceful of foam. That didn’t sound right. Roode, while trying to apologize to Ray, then throws Ray right in the way of the Last Call, which gets the 3 for Storm.
WINNERS: Austin Aries and James Storm. In case you’re wondering why Storm has been not only wrestling in a shirt, but in short, one-sided matches, it’s because he’s still not completely healed from some injuries he’s suffered. This of course begs the question why, since he’s being touted for such a big match at Lockdown, would TNA even bother putting him in matches in the first place? Not only do his opponents look weak by losing so quickly (he beat both Kazarian and Daniels in about 3 minutes last week, after beating Bully Ray in 2 minutes at Victory Road, for those keeping score), but it actually makes Storm look weak as it makes him look like a one-move wrestler.
[adinserter block=”1″]Back from commercials, Dixie Carter is in the ring, and she calls Hulk Hogan to come out. “Hollywood” Chuck Hogan (kudos to the four or five of you that get that reference) limps his way down as Dixie Carter can’t seem to decide what fake face she’s supposed to be making right now. Carter says she knows taking over for Sting as GM is a big decision, for both him and her. But, last week, she told Sting that if Sting believed in Hogan, she would, too. What she failed to say is that she really does believe in Hogan, and she wants him to take the job. She needs a decision right now. Hogan thanks the fans. He made some decisions he’s not really proud of, but at the end of the day, when Bound For Glory went down, he had to make a decision. He wanted to make peace with everyone, and that was it. He closed the book on this chapter of his life. Of course, Sting makes his way out, and he’s flanked by Matt Morgan, Jeff Hardy, Devon, Mr. Anderson, Garett Bischoff, AJ Styles and James Storm. Jesus, enough! Just get to the damn point! No more glad-handing and egotistical masturbatory aids. Either say yes or no, it’s just that simple! Sting then says, “Let’s just cut to the chase.” Kind of hard to do that when you interrupt him and bring out half the roster with you, Sting. Sting says Hogan isn’t going to deny Sting, Dixie and all these people. The writing is on the wall, so what’s it going to be, yes or no? Hogan asks if they’re talking a totally clean state. Sting nods yes. Hogan needs to know something before he makes the decision. Impact Wrestling has a huge dark cloud over it right now. No matter how deep the water gets, he needs to know one thing, and that’s if Sting will watch “Hogan’s back, Jack?” Sting says yes, but he needs to know if Hogan is going to run this company like “the eye of the tiger Hulk Hogan”. Christ on a cracker, end this! Hogan, after saying “brother” approximately 812 times, finally agrees to take the job. All the wrestlers in the ring suck up to him before he asks “Whatcha gonna do?”
End of show.
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