Welcome to the 3-22-12 edition of Impact Wrestling. We get a video package from Victory Road last Sunday, which saw Bobby Roode defeat Sting in a Street Fight. I’m amazed TNA actually booked Roode to win since that, you know, requires logic. Other than that, I heard the PPV was overall really terrible.
After the opening video package, we get video of the closing moments of said match, basically telling everyone who paid for the PPV for this match, “You’re stupid for paying to watch us.” On a side note, if Dixie Carter is going to be involved in matches or storylines like this, can she at least buy herself some acting lessons?
Dixie Carter makes her way out to the Impact Zone, and boy, does she look like hell. I mean, more so than usual. She gets on the microphone, and is pretending to sound shaken up as she talks about how Bobby Roode is disrespecting everyone involved in wrestling. This leads to a “Fire Bobby” chant from the Impact Zone tools. She tells Roode he has disgraced the company, and she’s been talking to attorneys and her management counsel all week. There is only one right decision here…but before she tells us what that is, Sting makes his way out.
Sting tells Carter he’s never given her a reason not to trust him, but she shouldn’t fire Bobby Roode, because that’s letting him off easy. If Roode gets fired, no one gets the right kind of revenge on him, including James Storm and the fans (“We want revenge” chants. What did I tell you about these people and Sting?). Regarding other choices and decisions that are being made in regards to this company, the GM position just isn’t working (“Please don’t go!” Uh, what?). Before anything else can happen, we get commercials. Because, you know, it makes sense to cut in the middle of a promo. Why am I now getting the feeling that this will be another incredibly long promo to open the show?
We’re back, and Sting & Dixie Carter are still in the ring. Sting says she put all of her faith and trust in him to run the company, and he did the best he could up to this point. At Victory Road, something happened with this company. At Victory Road, the company came alive. Sting realizes he can’t be part-time GM and part-time wrestler (“You still got it” chant. My ass). He can’t do both if he wants to compete at a Bobby Roode level. As a result of doing too much at once, he’s got a concussion. He needs to go home and rest up, and when he comes back, he’s coming back better than ever. Haven’t we heard this before about six or seven times? When he puts his boots back on, he’s going to be 100% wrestler, and will continue to fight for TNA and Dixie Carter, but he’ll fight in a different capacity. Sting then steps down as GM as Carter tries to squeeze some tears out. He’s not going to leave anyone hanging, though. He’s been talking to the right person, the right man for the job. He’s got someone who can take the company to the top. He’s got someone who can read everyone like the back of his hand. He’s talking about one of the greatest of all time…no. Please, no. Not again. Sure enough, despite my wishes, Sting asks Carter to let Hulk Hogan take the reigns. That’s it. I officially hate you, Steve Borden.
We see Bully Ray pacing in his locker room. He’s “Supah frickin’ pissed.” Tonight, he’s taking hostages, and he’s taking them out. He doesn’t “cayuh”. Tonight is not the night to be standing in his way.
MATCH 1: Four-Way for the World X-Division Championship: Zema Ion vs. Anthony Nese vs. Kid Kash vs. Champion Austin Aries
First pinfall or submission ends this one. I’ve always thought these matches should be elimination, no exceptions, but that’s me. Ion tries a schoolboy on Aries for 1. They are now brawling on the floor. Kash chops Nese and follows up with a clothesline and a rotation suplex for 2. Nese gets the boots up in the corner and completely biffs a top rope cross body. Nese back drops Kash to the floor, and Kash appears to have injured his ankle. Aries gets in the ring and chops Nese across the chest in the corner. Aries with a corner clothesline, but Nese gets his boot up on the second charge. Nese lands a corner back elbow and a running knee to the face for 2 as Ion breaks it up. Ion sends Nese to the floor and sets up the back suplex, but Aries slides out and looks for the brainbuster. Nese comes off the top rope, but Aries catches him and lands a DDT/reverse STO combo on them. He gets 2 on Nese before sending them both to the floor, where he follows up with a suicide dive on Ion. Kash gets back in the ring and is limping. He gets to the top rope and comes off with a top rope cross body on Aries. Ion hits a moonsault from the corner on Kash and Aries. Nese gets in the ring and hits a running over-the-top-rope moonsault. Nese gets Ion in the ring and goes up top, but Kash cuts him off and looks for the superplex. Ion gets under Kash, and Aries gets under Ion, resulting in the same multi-man spot you see in TNA all the time that they call the “tower of doom”. Bully Ray runs in and begins laying waste to everyone in the match except Aries, resulting in a No Contest.
WINNER: No contest. Eventually, Ray knocks Aries down as well before asking for a microphone. He asks the crowd if they know who he is. He’s been watching too many Randy Orton tapes. He tells us he’s Bully Ray before his Sabu music hits. Short, yet pointless.
We see Mexican America running to the parking lot, seeing their car getting towed. It’s being towed by some asshat from Repo Games. They play the game in order to win their car back. I did not miss hearing Anarquia’s voice at all. And who knew Hernandez still worked here? Anarquia gets the first question right, but the second one wrong. I haven’t been paying attention to the questions at all. On the third question, Anarquia incorrectly spelles “Guadalajara”, resulting in him losing the game. He offers a compromise-if they win the Tag Team titles tonight, they’ll pay this guy the money they owe to get their car back. He agrees. I love how Anarquia and Hernandez get a shot at the Tag Team titles tonight, despite not being seen in months. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, yes, this segment was pretty much as racist as anything involving the Mexicools.
MATCH 2-Knockouts Tag Team Championship: Rosita and Sarita vs. ODB and Eric Young
Rosita and Sarita need to stop trying to act sexy right away. We learn the wedding of ODB and Young will be next month. Young has serious bacne going on. Rosita and Young start things off. I wonder if she’s even tinier than AJ? ODB tags in and chest bumps Rosita to the mat. ODB throws Rosita into the corner and hits an avalanche. She misses the bronco buster, which allows Sarita to tag in and hit a couple stomps. Sarita totally botches an elbow drop before hitting a somersault plancha. Another elbow cuts ODB off from her corner. Rosita tags in and she stomps ODB before laying in some kicks in the corner. ODB shoves her off, gets her foot up, and takes Rosita down with a clothesline. The heels try to pull ODB back, but she kicks them both off and tags Young in. He comes in, does a bunch of cartwheels and strips his shorts off. Rosita and Sarita begin flirting with him, which pisses ODB off. She decks Rosita and short-arm clotheslines Sarita, sending her to the floor. ODB drops Rosita with the Bammm! before yelling at Young for flirting with another woman. God, his bacne is discussing. She then kisses Young and throws him on top of Rosita, resulting in the pin.
WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: ODB and Eric Young.
Up next, we get to here MORE from Dixie Carter.
Sorry, but The Avengers looks like crap.
We see some stills from the World Tag Team title match this past Sunday, which saw Crimson walk out on Mat Morgan.
In the back, Crimson is watching Matt Morgan’s Direct Auto commercial. He says this is a prime example that they never were a team, since he’s in the commercial by himself. Morgan dropped the ball when they lost the belt, and he’s cluttering Crimson’s future. Crimson took out the trash this past Sunday, and his back feels a lot better. Next week, he’s challenging Morgan to a match. Morgan runs in and they begin brawling. Morgan throws him into some chairs before security tries to break things up. Morgan beats them up before more security guys hold him back.
In case you didn’t see it less than an hour ago, we get highlights from the Sting/Carter promo from earlier.
Carter is telling Anonymous Interviewer that she doesn’t know what she’s going to do. Brilliant.
We see James Storm in the back. He’s on his way to the ring.
Jeff Hardy is now talking to Anonymous Interviewer. Kurt Angle beat him by cheating at Victory Road, so Hardy challenges Angle to a match at Lockdown. “Joseph Park” introduces himself, asking if Hardy knows anything about Abyss’ whereabouts before giving him his card.
Video package time for Bobby Roode/James Storm. They each talk about their careers in the company, and we get plenty of footage from the Team Canada and AMW days. Oh, and if you don’t think Eric Young is gassing, watch this footage.
James Storm makes his way into the Impact Zone. It seems there are people running around the back that forgot the definitions of “right” and “wrong”. James Storm lives by the “eye for an eye” rule. Football being 18 weeks long is wrong. He thinks it should be all year wrong. How is it two parents work 40 hours a week and save everything to take their families on vacation, because gas is $4.00/gallon. And Bobby Roode, what you did at Victory Road to Sting and Dixie Carter is wrong. I have no idea what’s going on in this promo. Roode put his hands on a woman, and a man who hits a woman isn’t a man at all. At Lockdown, Roode will be in a cage with Storm, and he’s looking at the next World Champion. Storm is going to right all of Roode’s wrongs. Right now, though, he just wants Roode to come out here in order to give him a beating. Roode’s music hit, but some douche canoe in a suit comes out instead. Mr. Canoe grabs a microphone. Storm wants to know who in the blue hell this guy is. I guess Storm is a fan of the Rock. He says his name is William Kelly, and he’s apparently he’s Roode’s legal advisor. He has a statement that he’d like to read. Basically, the statement says that he’ll remain at home in Toronto until further notice, and TNA management has created an unsafe working environment for him, and his only obligation to the company is his match at Lockdown. If Storm is looking for a fight tonight, two wrestlers have contacted Roode to take his place. The two are Kazarian and Christopher Daniels, and Storm can choose which one he’d like to face tonight. Storm says he’ll fight both Kaz and Daniels tonight so he doesn’t have to worry about anything next week. He takes the statement out of Kelly’s hand and says he’s got a message for Roode. He then lays Kelly out with the Last Call before spewing his catchphrase.
Kurt Angle is in the back, addressing Jeff Hardy. He never loses, and since he beat Hardy, he doesn’t have to fight Hardy again. Anonymous Interviewer says Garett Bischoff is telling everyone he beat Angle last week. Bischoff just happens to be off-camera at the moment. Angle challenges him to a 3-minute challenge tonight. Bischoff accepts. Angle hates his guts. Ooh, does that mean we get another angry, nonsensical rant about Bischoff via Twitter, like the one Angle went into about Steve Austin, HBK and others? I’m considering following Angle on there simply because he’s so blissfully insane at this point. The guy could give Iron Sheik a run for his money. Oh, and for everyone that said that Angle would be able to qualify for the Olympics this year despite me repeatedly saying there was no chance in hell, I told you so.
MATCH 3-3-Minute Challenge: Garett Bischoff vs. Kurt Angle
For everyone who thought Erik Watts was undeservedly shoved down our throats due to being the son of “Cowboy” Bill Watts (and rightfully so), I’m thinking it’s safe to say that Erik doesn’t have sh*t on Garett Bischoff in the nepotism department at this point. Angle, still in a very delusional state, has now added a mock Olympics logo to his tights, except instead of rings, they say “ANGLE”. Angle shoves Bischoff a few times and slaps him in the face. Bischoff shoves him back, and we’re already under 2 minutes. Bischoff nails a couple clotheslines and a Joe Gomez-like flying forearm (and that’s not good). Back body drop, followed by the modified Ace Crusher he used a couple weeks ago for 2. Bischoff goes for it again, but Angle blocks and throws Bischoff to the floor. Bischoff starts to get back in the ring, but jumps back down. Angle slides to the floor, but Bischoff gets back in the ring. They do this one more time before Gunner runs down and throws Bischoff in the ring, leading to the DQ.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Garett Bischoff. They continue to beat on Bischoff until Jeff Hardy and his camouflage Capri pants make the save.
Up next, Mexican America vs. Samoa Joe and Magnus for the titles.
Commercial for the Motor City Machine Guns, who are returning soon.
MATCH 4-World Tag Team Championship: Mexican America (Anarquia and Hernandez) (w/Rosita and Sarita) vs. Champions Magnus and Samoa Joe
Mike Tenay tells us Hulk Hogan is on his way to the Impact Zone to address Sting and Dixie Carter. I give a sh*t. Joe’s sporting a faux-hawk now. Great. He starts off with Hernandez. Hernandez backs Joe into a corner, but Joe escapes and beats Hernandez down before tagging in Magnus. Joe hits an inverted atomic drop, Magnus follows with a boot, and Joe follows with a running senton for 2. Hernandez tags in Anarquia who gets hip tossed and back elbowed. Anarquia lands a couple punches, but Magnus counters with his own. Anarquia hits a clothesline and tags in Hernandez, who hits some shoulders in the corner before hitting the over-the-shoulder backbreaker drop for 2. Anarquia tags back in, and the challengers hit a version of the old Team Angle move on the ropes for 2. Anarquia bites Magnus before hitting a couple knees to the back. Hernandez back in, who locks in a bearhug. Magnus fights out, but runs into a shoulder block. Joe causes a distraction as Hernandez goes for the pin. Magnus breaks the pin by grabbing the ropes. Anarquia tags in. Hernandez hits an avalanche, but Anarquia misses his. Magnus lands a clothesline on Hernandez before tagging in Joe. Joe levels Anarquia with a pair of clotheslines. Anarquia goes to the middle rope, but Joe just walks out of the way, sending Anarquia to the mat on the dive. Joe lands the corner uranage on Hernandez before going for the Kokina Clutch on Anarquia. The two broads outside try to distract the referee, but the Repo Games asshat takes them to the back. IN the ring, Hernandez breaks the hold and goes for the Border Toss on Joe, but Magnus drops him with a clothesline. They hit the snapmare/elbow combo on Anarquia, and this one’s over.
WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: Magnus and Samoa Joe.
Hulk Hogan has entered the building. Anonymous Interviewer asks him about being the GM. Hogan knows nothing about it, and says he’s only here because Sting called him. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that the exact reason Sting called him?
The Cabin in the Woods looks like crap, too.
We see Asshat hauling the broads out to his truck. Mexican America tell him to stop. They don’t have the money, so they can’t get their car back. Anarquia tries to deck him, but Asshat ducks and shoves him into Hernandez. I love how Anarquia managed to get his sunglasses on before chasing this guy down. I’m not a drinker, but if you are and want a new drinking game, take a shot every time Anarquia says either “Essa” or “Holmes” during this segment.
We see a video for James Storm, hanging out with some guy named Cowboy Troy.
MATCH 5-2-on-1 Handicap Match: Christopher Daniels and Kazarian vs. James Storm
Kaz heads to the ring by himself, as Daniels tells the announce team, “I’m a lot smarter than the Cowboy” before leaving the area completely. Storm makes his way out, and Daniels attempts to ambush him from behind. Storm hip tosses him on the floor before sending Kaz into the steps. Daniels gets in the ring, and Storm begins punching him in the corner. Kaz attacks with punches from behind. They take turns punching Storm over and over. Storm begins to fight back against Daniels, but Kaz attacks from behind yet again. Guess there’s no tags in this match. The heels fire off more punches, which is all I’ve seen thus far in this match. More punches from Kaz. Daniels varies things up with an elbow to the back of the head for 2. Kaz stomps Storm for another 2. More punches. Daniels and Kaz begin arguing over who gets to do the beating. Kaz whips Daniels into Storm, but Storm ducks, sending Daniels into the corner. Last Call for Kaz, and another one for Daniels for the 3.
WINNER: James Storm. Beyond pointless.
Sting, Dixie Carter and Hulk Hogan are all headed to the ring from various spots, all looking serious-pants. Hogan is noticeably limping.
Hogan makes his way out, Hogan’s arms still look like sausages hanging in a deli window. Sting says it’s obvious to the world Hogan made Sting and Carter believers, believers in Hulk Hogan. Now, it’s only fitting he hears it from all these people. The Impact Zone chants blindly for Hogan.
End of show.
Yep. The show ended before they finished this segment. They’ll call it “a cliffhanger”. I call “piss-poor time management”.
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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.
Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.