Welcome to the 3-15-12 edition of Impact Wrestling. The show opens with Sting and World Champion Bobby Roode entering the building at separate location. Apparently, we’re going to have a contract signing tonight between the two. Because, you know, contract signing angles are always big money and huge ratings draws.
This segues into a video of the ongoing feud between the two, a feud that I could not give less of a damn about. Although, I do have to say I still laugh every time I see the short clip of Bobby Roode spitting in Dixie Carter’s face. Damn, that footage is a thing of beauty.
In the Impact Zone, “Cowboy” Criss Angel makes his way to the ring. I kid you not, the camera man actually begins filming someone filming James Storm on their smartphone, and when I say filming, I mean the cameraman is actually shooting a close-up of the phone’s screen. That’s just good TV right there. Storm says that, ever since November 3rd, he’s been waiting for this opportunity at the title and maybe a little revenge. We get an “It’s your time” chant. Great. Storm says Roode is exactly what he says he is, and that’s selfish. That’s what’s wrong with the world today; too many wanters, too many takers and not enough givers. At Lockdown, Storm will be all three of those things because he will give Roode the ass whipping of his life when he takes the World title from him. Storm starts to spit his catchphrase, but stops himself and says he’s not sorry, because at Lockdown, Roode will need all the luck he can get.
We see Gail Kim and Madison Rayne backstage, arguing about losing the titles last week. Sting just happens to be hanging around the area as they continue to yell at each other. Sting says this is the wrong night to do this. Tonight, Kim is wrestling Mickie James and Rayne is wrestling Velvet Sky. Kim and Rayne continue to argue. To quote Slappy Squirrel, that was pointless. Screw you, Animaniacs ruled.
We get another video for Sting/Roode, with Roode complaining about Sting taking the spot from the rest of the locker room (excellent point), and he will do everything he can to take Sting out at Victory Road.
MATCH 1: Madison Rayne vs. Velvet Sky
If you ever want a fun wrestling game, try to figure out the lyrics to entrance themes that aren’t very clear (such as Rayne’s). Justin Henry and I were playing this game a week or so ago, and apparently, I nearly caused him to spit Pepsi all over his laptop. Sky ignores her normal ring entrance and spears Rayne down to start this match. Sky gets Rayne in the corner, kicks her a few times and hits a corner clothesline. She throws Rayne into the other corner and lays in some shoulder thrusts. Snapmare precedes a weak kick to the back and a low dropkick for 2. Rayne comes back with some shoulders into the corner of her own, but runs into a pair of boots off the charge. She blocks a second attempt and whips Sky to the mat. Choke over the middle rope by Rayne, followed by a kick to the face from the apron for 2. Sky tries to fight back from her knees-a position I’m sure she’s used to-but Rayne locks her in a cravat. Sky fights out, but Rayne manages to throw her to the floor off the ropes. Sky gets back to the apron, where she takes a suspended neckbreaker for 2. Rayne tries the pin again, but still only gets 2. Rayne goes into a rear chinlock, and Sky counters with a jawbreaker. They trade some weak punches. Sky with a clothesline off the ropes, a back elbow and a bulldog. She goes for a headlock, but Rayne fights out with some knees. She goes for the Rayne Drop, but Sky counters with a roll-up for 2. Rayne continues the roll-through and gets the pin with a handful of tights.
WINNER: Madison Rayne.
Earlier today, we see Matt Morgan and Crimson arguing about their victory last week, with Morgan complaining that it wasn’t a team effort. Crimson says they need to focus on Sunday and getting their titles back. Morgan asks if Crimson is here to win titles and make lots of money, and Crimson says “Of course”. Apparently, he’s never looked at his own paycheck before. Crimson says to make lots of money, you’ve got to win lots of matches, and he knows about that more than anybody since he’s been undefeated for 14 months. Morgan simply tells them to focus on tonight, then on Sunday.
21 Jump Street looks awful, and there is no reason Jonah Hill should get as much work as he does. No reason whatsoever.
Speaking of commercials, who is this broad selling Carl’s Jr.?
MATCH 2: Crimson (w/Matt Morgan) vs. World Tag Team Co-Champion Samoa Joe (w/Magnus)
Magnus has a “Save the Ta-Tas” shirt on, which I appreciate. Seriously, I do. As much as I hate to admit I like something that TNA has done, the pairing of Magnus and Joe works. At the same time, TNA can’t seem to decide whether they are faces or heels, although that’s nothing really new for this company. Tie-up to start, with Crimson backing Joe into the corner. Crimson with various strikes. Joe no-sells them, throws Crimson’s worthless ass in the corner and beats the hell out of him. Corner whip by Joe, and he follows with the corner enziguri. Knee drop off the ropes gets 2 for Joe. Joe goes to bounce off the ropes, but Morgan catches his foot, allowing Crimson to attack from behind. Crimson nails a clothesline for 1. Snapmare by Crimson, followed by an elbow and a running knee strike for 2 (Tenay: “Flying knee”). Crimson locks in the cravat, which precedes the knees strikes and the swinging neckbreaker for 2. Rear chinlock by Crimson, but Joe manages to fight out. He runs into a boot by Crimson. Crimson goes to the middle rope, but Joe catches him with an inverted atomic drop, followed by a running boot and a running senton for 2. Crimson hits a double throat chop, but runs into a powerslam by Joe for 2. Joe lands a European uppercut before running into a Crimson spinebuster for 2. Crimson goes to argue with the referee, saying it was 3. Joe gets to the corner. Crimson charges in, but runs right into the standing uranage. Joe sets up for the uranage, but is momentarily distracted by Matt Morgan on the apron. Magnus runs interference and they brawl for a minute on the outside, resulting in Magnus being whipped into the steps. Joe turns around just in time to take a spear from Crimson for the 3.
WINNER: Crimson. Joe immediately no-sells the spear after the match, which is awesome. If TNA doesn’t want Crimson to be compared to Goldberg, perhaps he shouldn’t be using a spear as a finisher. Just a thought.
We see Austin Aries in the back with a bottle of champagne. He’s on his way out to the ring, and apparently has a big announcement.
World X-Division Austin Aries makes his way out. It’s a great day to be great, and an even better day to break records. While Aries isn’t normally one to pay attention to numbers and statistics, there are some that matter. There have been 53 different X-Division title reigns, held by 25 different men. Not only is he the greatest man that ever lived, he is now the greatest and longest-reigning X-Division Champion of all time, breaking the previous record of 182 days. He’s out here to celebrate, and he’s got a special montage of his greatest moments. We then get a music video for Aries, featuring some hideously-named band called Get Cape, Wear Cape, Fly. I suppose it fits though, cause their music sucks worse than their name. The crowd is completely dead for this entire segment. Oh, and I should mention the video includes footage from a fake match between Aries and Alex Shelley. After the video, Aries thanks himself, then thanks the other wrestlers in the X-Division because, if he hadn’t beaten all of them, he wouldn’t be able to call himself the greatest champion of all time. He thanks them all for being good, but not quite great before asking the crowd to toast him. Zema Ion makes his way out now, with the douchiest haircut this side of Robbie E. Aries knows why Ion is out here, and that’s to take his spotlight. Last week, Ion did something no one else has done, and that’s beat him at his own game. Ion says he beat Aries at HIS own game. He proved Aries isn’t as smart as he thinks he is. If Aries was smart, he’d hand the title over right now. If he’s not careful, what happened to Jesse Sorensen could easily happen to him. Okay, enough with bringing up Jesse Sorensen like it’s an angle. How tasteless can one company get? Aries says someone put on their big boy drawers. He appreciates Ion talking like he actually has hair on his nuts before telling Ion to toast him. Ion does the toast, before saying he’ll end Aries’ run on Sunday, and he’s not only “effin pretty”, he’s also “pretty effin dangerous”. Ion then throws champagne in Aries’ face. Aries kicks him in the gut and dumps the rest of the bottle on his head before throwing him out of the ring. Please, don’t let Ion speak anymore. He’s decent in the ring, but terrible on the stick.
Christopher Daniels faces Mr. Anderson later tonight. Let’s hope Daniels doesn’t wind up nearly crippled on Mr. Anderson’s first night back, as history has shown us that is Anderson’s thing.
“Joseph Park” is hanging around backstage. Apparently, it’s “Park” now, even though it was “Parks” last week. Sadly, this is pretty consistent in TNA, as when Abyss briefly used his real name in an angle a few years ago, TNA couldn’t decide if it was Park or Parks then either. He introduces himself to Gunner before asking if he knows the whereabouts of Abyss. Gunner can’t help him, as he’s got a match right now.
We get footage of ODB and Eric Young’s pathetic engagement last week after they won the Knockouts Tag Team titles. I can’t believe I just wrote that. Oh, hell, who am I kidding? This is TNA; of course I can believe it.
We see the new champions in their locker room or office or closet or whatever the hell it is. Young says the wedding is more important than the titles, and they’ve got a lot of planning. Young then begins rattling of places they should have the ceremony. He’s also wearing his engagement ring on his pinky. Young then comes up with the great idea of getting married in the ring on a future episode of Impact. Of course they are.
We see Kurt Angle in his office or whatever, talking about how he hates young punks who get in the ring who have no business doing so, before oh-so-cleverly referring to Garett Bischoff as “Bitchoff”. That’s right, “Bitchoff” (His words)! Garett cost him the tag team match last week, but tonight, “Bitchoff”, it’s you and Angle in a 5-minute match. Angle says Garett’s wife says he can’t even go three minutes. “Actually, I did really talk to her! Hahaha!” As for Jeff Hardy, his match with Angle at Victory Road will be his last match period.
Gail Kim/Mickie James is up next.
More Roode/Sting videos, now with Sting narrating it. He spouts off some stupid crap about being like The Crow and some other random BS.
MATCH 3: Mickie James vs. Knockouts Champion Gail Kim (non-title)
Tie-up starts the match off, with Kim snapping off a hip throw into a side headlock. James reverses into a head scissors. Kim reverses into a roll-up, which James then reverses into a backslide attempt. She can’t get the backslide, but does manage to hit a snapmare and a low dropkick for 2. Kim gets back to her feet and backs James into the corner. Kim misses the corner charge, falling to the floor. She grabs her title belt and attempts to strike James, but James ducks and whips her back into the ring. James goes for the Tunacanrana, but Kim blocks it and hits a wicked over-the-shoulder kneebreaker. Kim focuses her attack on the right knee with some elbow drops and a slam of the knee into the mat. Kim gets James into the corner and continues to work the knee over. James tries to fight back, but gets her leg caught on the middle rope. Kim drops a knee on the knee, sending James to the mat. Kim locks in a modified Deathlock, but James fights out. The offense is short as Kim immediately counters by knocking James down and hitting a leg DDT. Kim locks in a version of the stretch muffler, but James rolls through for a 2-count. James ducks a clothesline and hits a neckbreaker. James kips up, which is really smart considering her knee is hurt. She kicks Kim in the gut and hits the middle rope Thesz Press for 2. A baseball slide sends Kim to the floor, where she grabs the belt. As the referee is trying to get James back in the ring, Kim cracks her with the title belt. The referee doesn’t see it, which allows Kim to slide in the ring and easily get the 3.
WINNER: Gail Kim.
We get an interview with Mr. Anderson from earlier today. He calls himself an a**hole, then says something about the Bat Signal. Christopher Daniels and Kazarian walk up, and Anderson starts talking about lemonade for some reason. Daniels wants to know why Anderson would pick AJ Styles over them. Kaz says this will end horribly, like one of Anderson’s movies. Wait, he had more than one? Anderson makes a bunch of stupid noises. That could have been a promo, but when that douche canoe opens his mouth, all I hear is “BUHHHHHHHASSHOLEBUHHHHH!!!!”
MATCH 4: Christopher Daniels vs. Mr. Anderson
Taz and Tenay are arguing about Stockholm Syndrome, and Taz doesn’t know what that is. Brilliant. Anderson does his stupid microphone bit. I did not miss this for a second while it was gone. Daniels attacks Anderson the second he gets in the ring, stomping him down in the corner. Anderson kicks off a back body drop attempt, then throws his shirt in Daniels’ face. Daniels’ cheek is busted open, and it’s weird because it’s been busted open since this match started, despite the fact that he started the match on offense. Anderson hits a corner charge and goes for the Mic Check (one of Eric Garguilo’s 10 worst moves of all time, BTW), but Daniels blocks it and slides to the floor. Anderson follows out and throws some punches. Daniels goes into the guardrail before being thrown back in the ring. Anderson hits a pair of hip tosses and an elbow drop for 2. Anderson back Daniels into a corner and throws some more punches. Daniels manages to sidestep a charge into the opposite corner and landa knee to the gut. Daniels goes back to stomping before nailing a kitchen sink off the ropes for 2. Daniels goes for the move again, but Anderson blocks into a roll-up for 2. Back up, Anderson lands a few more punches before sending Daniels into the ropes. Daniels counters with a shoulder to the gut and a northern lights suplex for 2. Daniels with a bodyslam. He goes for a split-legged moonsault, but Anderson gets his knees up. They trade a few punches. Anderson with a clothesline, a back elbow and a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Anderson goes for a fireman’s carry, but Daniels slides out. Anderson misses a roundhouse, but keeps spinning and connects with a version of the enziguri for 2 as Daniels gets his foot on the bottom rope. Daniels backs Anderson into the corner again. Anderson reverses a corner whip and hits a standing version of the Green Bay Plunge. As Daniels is holding onto the ropes, Kaz makes his way down to the ring. Anderson sees him coming as AJ Styles comes down and begins brawling with Kaz. Anderson hits the Mic Check and gets the 3.
WINNER: Mr. Anderson.
Jeff Hardy is talking to Anonymous Interviewer about Kurt Angle. He blames Angle for not being World Champion right now, and this is personal. Can his promos be any less uninspired?
MATCH 5-5-Minute Open Challenge: Kurt Angle vs. Garett Bischoff
How can this be an open challenge when Angle specifically challenged Bischoff and Bischoff accepted? An open challenge means anyone can accept it. TNA logic for you. Angle starts off with punches. And more punches. And some more. Ooh! A knee lift! Kicks to Bischoff’s left leg. Kick to Bischoff’s head. Suplex by Angle, but he pulls Bischoff up before the referee can start the count. Rear chinlock by Angle, who breaks the hold himself with an elbow. More kicks. Kicks turn to stomps. Foot choke. Bischoff fights back with some punches, but Angle takes him down with one punch before landing a crossface shot. Taz actually refers to this as a “freestyle move”, despite punches to the face being illegal in freestyle wrestling. More stomps by Angle. Another foot choke. Angle throws Bischoff to the floor by the entrance ramp. Angle follows out. Bischoff tries more punches, but Angle no-sells them and suplexes him on the floor. We’re down to under 2 minutes. Back in the ring, Angle goes for the pin, but once again pulls Bischoff up. Angle chokes Bischoff with his knee. More stomps. Bischoff tries punches once more, but Angle again no-sells and hits an overhead belly-to-belly for 2. Angle once again breaks the pinfall himself. More punches. More stomps. Legrdop by Angle as he pulls the straps down. He goes for the Angle Slam, but Bischoff slides out and manages to throw Angle to the floor. About 10 seconds left. He gets back in the ring and runs into a pair of boots. Angle comes back with the Angle Slam, but the clock runs out as he goes for the pin.
WINNER: Garett Bischoff, I guess? Technically, he didn’t win anything, but neither did Angle. After the match, Angle knocks the referee out before putting the ankle lock on Garett Bischoff. Jeff Hardy runs down and knocks Angle out of the ring.
Gunner/Storm is up next.
Robbie T and Robbie E are in a merchandise area, looking at all the crappy TNA toys. Anonymous Interviewer is asking them if they are on the PPV. Robbie E throws out an open challenge for the TV title, claiming he’s beaten everyone and there’s no one “’The List’, bro. Hahaha.” What is with guys laughing at their own non-jokes tonight?
I love how TNA just takes random pictures of their stars and superimposes the title belts on them.
MATCH 6: Gunner (w/Bully Ray) vs. James Storm
Ooh! You can now buy TNA entrance themes on their site. Just what I’ve always wanted. Storm starts off the match with some punches, causing Gunner to back into the corner. Gunner comes back with a thumb to the eye. Storm with a clothesline, sending Gunner to the floor. Storm follows, slamming Gunner into the guardrail. Back in the ring, Gunner kicks Storm as he’s re-entering. Storm fights back with some punches, but Gunner whips him down by the hair and hits a choke takedown for 2. That’s the best way I can describe the move. Either way, it looked like crap. Gunner with a neck vice now. Storm tries to elbow out, but Gunner knocks him back down with a forearm before going into a rear chinlock. Gunner hits a pair of weak crossface shots for 2. Bully Ray is offering the very helpful advice of “BEATHIMDOWNBEATHIMDOWNBEATHIMDOWN”. Storm once again fights out, hits an uppercut and a jumping clothesline. Storm with more punches, a clothesline, a back elbow and a jumping forearm. Botched back body drop by Storm before he hits Closing Time. He sets up for the Last Call, which connects and gets the 3.
WINNER: James Storm. After the match, Bully Ray shows how intimidating he is by turning his baseball cap around backwards. He charges the ring like he’s going to fight, but instead doesn’t.
More Roode/Sting video time. Okay, we get it. Sting and Roode don’t like each other and they have a match at Victory Road. We don’t need a video for it every segment.
Your main event contract signing is next.
Commercial for local wrestling promotion comes on. Because Rob Terry was such a good choice last time, they’re bringing in Robbie E for their next show.
Okay, this is beyond ridiculous. We get ANOTHER Roode/Sting video. For L. Ron Hubbard’s sake! You couldn’t just let these guys say this stuff in the ring at the contract signing, which is up after this stupid video?
End of show.
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