Welcome to the 3-8-12 edition of Impact Wrestling. Before we begin, I’d like to send my well wishes to the family and friends of Doug Furnas, who passed away a few days ago at the age of 50. Furnas and his partner, Philip LaFon (Dan Kroffat) made up one of the most sound, innovative and underappreciated tag teams of the 80s and 90s. If you have no idea who I’m talking about, I suggest you hit YouTube or another video site and take a look at their stuff from Japan, Canada, ECW and WWF. There’s a good chance you will be blown away by how awesome they were. Doug, you will be greatly missed.
Show opens with video of the never-ending saga between Garett Bischoff, Eric Bischoff, Gunner, Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan. If I haven’t already told you how much I hate this angle, let me tell you now-I really, really hate this angle. It’s completely worthless and eats up a hell of a lot of TV time, time that could be devoted to the X-Division or rebuilding the team division. Unfortunately, since Hogan and Eric are involved, the off-switch on the spotlight is out of order. Anyway, earlier today, Garett pulled up in his Jeep Wrangler. If that isn’t douchey enough, he’s got on Aviator sunglasses and approximately a quart of hair gel in his hair. Anonymous Interviewer just happens to be waiting in the parking lot, and wants to know what Garett thinks of the ultimatum his dad, Flair and Val Kilmer laid out for him last week. Garett says he’s his own man and is here to stay, and they’re not going to keep him out of here. The target on his back is probably growing, but nothing’s going to keep him out of here. Let’s get a sniper in here and test that theory.
As Eric is finishing this thought, Kurt Angle’s music hits and he makes his way out. After stepping in the ring, he hugs everybody. Eric assumes Angle is out here to be Gunner’s partner. Angle says he’s happy to team with Gunner against Garett and a partner. He doesn’t like Garett (“Hardy!” chant starts. Screw you, Impact Zone). In fact, he hates Garett because he doesn’t respect his father. Angle respected his dad growing up, and it resulted in him winning a gold medal. Everyone hates anyone with the last name “Bischoff”, no disrespect to you, Eric. Tonight, Angle and Gunner will make Garett and his partner tap. It’s real, yadda yadda yadda. We see Garett Bischoff looking on in the back before walking off.
Sting is in a bathroom, putting his face paint on, screaming at a mirror about Bobby Roode. Eric Young walks in. He wants to give ODB everything she deserves in the ring tonight, but he needs Sting’s blessing first. Sting agrees, then begins rambling on like the Joker. Sting says ODB wants gold, meaning the Tag Team titles. Eric Young begins listing off possible partners for ODB before Sting tells Young that he will be her partner before painting Young’s face a little bit. Young leaves before Sting goes back to yelling at the mirror. And just like that, Sting’s remaining shred of credibility gets sliced down even further.
MATCH 1-Knockouts Tag Team Championship: ODB and Eric Young vs. Champions Gail Kim and Madison Rayne
You know, this was bad enough when Harvey Whippleman won the WWF Women’s Championship. We don’t need to see it again. I just noticed that Gail Kim’s entrance music is a slowed down version of the theme for The British Invasion. Young starts with a tie-up with referee Earl Hebner. Has that ever been funny? No, it hasn’t, which means TNA will do it forever. ODB immediately tags in and clotheslines Kim down. Avalanche in the corner by ODB, followed by a bronco buster. Kim kicks ODB away, hits a back elbow and goes to the middle rope. ODB stops her from doing anything, picks her up and hits a fall-away slam. Kim retaliates with a trip into the bottom turnbuckle. Rayne tags in and does a foot choke in the corner. ODB comes back with a kick and the Clam Buffet before hitting a middle rope Thesz Press for 2. ODB gets whipped into the rope, where Kim catches her by the hair and holds her in place. ODB fights her off as Rayne distracts Hebner. Kim hits the Happy Ending across the top rope and Rayne capitalizes by screaming. Yep. She throws ODB to the floor, where Kim capitalizes by throwing ODB back in the ring. Yep again. Rayne gets 2 before tagging in Kim. Kim does nothing before tagging Rayne back in. Nothing but action in this match here, folks. Double corner whip, followed by a pair of partner whips into the corner. Rayne gets 2 before catching a spear from ODB off the ropes. Kim and Young both tag in. He sets Kim on the top rope and moves out of the way as Rayne charges in, causing her to collide with Kim. Young props Rayne up as well and picks the champs up on his shoulders in a double fireman’s carry. You’re not Beth Phoenix, asshat. Double airplane spin results in all of them being dizzy. Kim falls to the mat. Young goes for the pin, but Rayne breaks it up. The champs try to clothesline Young over the top rope, but ODB manages to intercept them with a double clothesline, sending Rayne to the floor. Out on the floor, Rayne whips ODB into the stairs before grabbing the title belt. Hebner gets distracted by ODB on the floor, allowing Rayne to hit Young with the title belt. However, he falls on top of Kim, and is too heavy for her to kick out. Hebner turns around to…well, I’m pretty sure you can tell where this nonsense is going.
WINNERS AND NEW CHAMPIONS: ODB and Eric Young. Hey, remember when Eric Young was one of the top heels in the company, sending wrestlers to the hospital with piledrivers? He’s gone so far in his career from that point, hasn’t he? After the match, Young gets down on one knee, ring in hand. We go to commercials before anything happens. Someone please, please, PLEASE explain to me how Impact Wrestling lasted more than six months? There is just no logic to it. And before you tell me that it was worse in the weekly PPV days, that’s still like saying a sulfur plant smells better than a slaughter house.
An action movie starring Steve Austin and Danny Trejo? I’m in.
After the break, Young has grabbed a microphone, talking about his relationship with ODB, saying now’s the right time to do what he’s going to do. He then asks her to marry him before presenting her with a ring. ODB grabs the ring, thinks for a minute, then gets on one knee and proposes back. Young screams yes before high-fiving everyone at ringside. He then gets in the ring and jumps in her arms before they start rolling around.
For those of you that were so pleased that Vince Russo was more or less replaced by Dave Lagana in this company, thinking Lagana would help turn things around, I present to you that last match and post-match segment.
Earlier today, we see some fatass trying to get in the building. Fatass says his name is Joseph Parks, and he’s here to see Impact Wrestling officials. Taz and Mike Tenay are watching this, pondering who this man is. I’ll give you a hint-it’s Abyss.
Also earlier today, we see Blubber Ray talking to Anonymous Interviewer. He’s talking about the side effects of concussions, and how he laid out James Storm last week. He will prevent Storm going to Lockdown and winning the World title. And Sting will do the right thing tonight, “trust me”.
Backstage, we see Austin Aries walk in with an email from Sting. It says he’ll face Zema Ion tonight for the title, rather than wait for the PPV where the match might make some money. He says that’s fine, as he’ll beat Ion tonight, and there will be no match at the PPV afterward. If Sting wants to follow through with this and make yet another bad decision, that’s fine. Sting has failed again, and tonight, he’ll show Sting what “show time” is all about.
MATCH 2-World X-Division Championship: Zema Ion vs. Champion Austin Aries
I gotta agree with most people. While I like Ion as a wrestler, this whole angle with Jesse Sorensen is completely tasteless. It’s not only cheap, but it’s poorly executed, it makes Ion look bad, and it could easily make a fan believe that this injury is an angle. It’s not; Sorensen is legitimately hurt, and is looking to not return for at least a year, if at all. If I were Jesse Sorensen, I’d be royally pissed and disgusted with how the injury that could have potentially ended my life is being used as a way to get another wrestler over. Not only that, but I feel bad for Ion, who was probably sick for days with what happened, having to pass it off like he intentionally crippled his opponent. Alright enough of my ranting, as this match could actually be really good. Aries starts the match with a punch and a side headlock. He turns it into a hip throw, with Ion reverses into a headscissors. Aries springs out of the hold and hits a low dropkick before sliding to the floor to celebrate. Going back in, he hits a shoulderblock, a hot shot, a tope con hilo and a jumping elbow for 2. Ion comes back with a corkscrew crossbody from the middle rope for 2 before doing a little celebrating of his own. Aries tries to pull him into the ring, but Ion pulls him out instead before ramming him into the apron. Ion goes up for the moonsault, but Aries gets back in the ring to cut him off, knocking him to the floor with chops. Aries goes up, but Ion steps out of the way of a plancha, sending Aries into the guardrail. Ion sends him back in for the pin, but only gets 2. Ion goes up top for the 450, but Aries moves out of the way. Aries with a series forearms. He goes for an Irish whip, but Ion holds on and thumbs him in the eye. Behind the ref’s back, he grabs his hairspray can and shoves it in his tights. Aries goes for the brainbuster, but Ion slides out into a waistlock. Aries backs him into the corner to break the hold. Aries goes for a corner whip, but referee Brian Hebner is blocking the corner. Ion puts the brakes on before collision. Aries charges, but both Hebner and Ion duck, sending Aries into the turnbuckles. As Hebner tries to get back to his feet, Ion goes for the hairspray while he’s not looking. Aries ducks the spray and grabs the can himself and sprays it in Ion’s eyes right in front of Hebner, leading to the DQ.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Zema Ion, although Aries is still the champion. Ion has a busted lip.
We see Velvet Sky having her makeup done. Joseph Parks walks in and introduces himself before asking the makeup lady to leave. Parks says she knows about his “brother” Abyss. He asks about Abyss’ disappearance, wondering if she knows anything about it. She says she doesn’t, so he leaves.
Back from the commercials, and Blubber Ray is already in the ring with a microphone. He says, to the millions of Impact Wrestling fans around the world (*snicker*), “Calf-zilla” is here. For those that don’t know, he’s the guy who took out James Storm by kicking a chair into his head. He’s the guy who deserves to be the #1 contender. Mr. General Manager Sting, do the right thing and name him the new #1 contender. Sting Ledger comes out, making stupid faces. He is painting his face on the way down the ramp. A bunch of fans in the front row begin bowing to Sting. I hate Impact Zone fans so much. They act like everything Sting does is not only awesome, but hilarious. Guess what? It’s neither. Sting says he feels so alive. Ray can’t just make a match with Bobby Roode just because he injured somebody. Ray says he can do anything wants to, so just give him Roode. Sting keeps asking him to repeat himself. Ray keeps repeating himself. Well, this is just great television. Sting tells him he has the best calves in the world, and because of that, he’s going to give Ray Bobby Roode. Ray high-fives him before asking him if he’d like to touch Ray’s non-existent calves. Yeah. Sting heads up the ramp before telling everyone that match will happen after the commercials.
Backstage, Roode is screaming about how he can’t defend his title tonight, as he’s not prepared. Sting says that he never said anything about the title being on the line, as Roode will be defending that against Storm at Lockdown. This is about Ray wanting Roode. Roode calls Sting crazy before heading out to the ring.
MATCH 3: Bully Ray vs. World Champion Bobby Roode (non-title)
Roode tries to talk his way out of the match, but Ray isn’t having any of it. Gotta love the 30 year-old fan in the crowd in full Jeff Hardy paint in the background behind Roode. Tie-up starts, with Ray backing Roode into the corner. You know, it’s never a good sign when a crowd is so dead/apathetic that you can hear every single word the wrestlers are saying to each other clear as day without the aid of a microphone. Roode goes into a side headlock. Ray throws Roode off and connects with a shoulderblock. Roode shoves him. Ray shoves back. Roode slaps Ray before backing off. Boot by Roode, followed by an elbow and some punches. Ray backs into the corner, and Roode follows him in with punches and chops. Elbow to the back of the head by Roode, followed by another gut kick. Corner whip almost sends Ray to the mat. Ray comes back with a back body drop off the ropes and follows up with a sidewalk slam for 2. Roode slides to the floor, but Ray pulls him back in by the hair. Roode hot shots him before getting back in the ring, going on offense with kicks and elbows. They trade a few punches, with Ray getting the better of the exchange. Roode elbows off a corner charge and botches a blockbuster for 2. Ray hits an open-hand chop from his knees. They trade punches and chops. Ray fires off a few punches and hits another back body drop. Pair of clotheslines send Roode down. Ray hits an avalanche in the corner, but Roode gets his boots up on the second attempt. Ray catches him out of the corner with a uranage, which gets a 2-count. Ray misses a running boot, allowing Roode to counter with a spear for 2. Ray is sitting down in the corner as Roode grabs his wallet chain. Roode charges in, but eats a boot to the face, dropping the chain. Ray grabs the chain when James Storm runs into the ring, chasing Ray off. He then lays out Roode with a Last Call before grabbing the title belt and placing it on Roode’s waist.
WINNER: No contest. For Storm being such a crowd favorite in this company, you could almost hear a pin drop when he made his entrance. Absolutely zero reaction for Storm, and even less of a reaction for the Last Call, which usually gets a decent pop.
Garett Bischoff time again! Huzzah! He’s in the back, talking to Anonymous Interviewer about the high stakes of tonight’s match. Interviewer asks about his partner, and Garett says he’s pretty confident, but Interviewer will have to wait to see him like everyone else.
In the locker room area, Crimson and Matt Morgan are gearing up. “Joseph Parks” walks in and introduces himself before asking about Abyss again. Morgan never knew Abyss had a brother, despite the fact that they used to be best friends. That’s some friendship there. Parks asks if, they don’t know anything about Abyss, can they tell him who to talk to about it. Crimson and Morgan are both dumb, though, and don’t know what to do. How about, you know, telling him to talk to the president and owner of the company? Just a thought. Anyway, Abyss leaves, allowing Crimson some time to talk to Morgan. Crimson blames Morgan for them losing the belts before saying they need to win their match tonight, then move back onto the champions. Morgan says it’s all about being a team.
MATCH 4-#1 Contenders Match for the World Tag Team Championship: World Television Champion Robbie E and Robbie T vs. Crimson and Matt Morgan
Those are some sweet pink cardigans these two douche canoes are wearing. E and Crimson start this match. Sesame Street main event in the making here, folks. E gets sent to the corner, but fires off a back elbow. He goes to the second corner, but jumps off right into a t-bone suplex from Crimson. T comes in the match, and appears to have Yoshi on the back of his tights. They lock up, but T clubs Crimson down. Bodyslam by T before another forearm to the back. Crimson no-sells and fires off some punches. T tries for a chokeslam, but Crimson breaks it with a jawbreaker. The referee gets distracted by Morgan for some reason, allowing E to hit Crimson over the back with his clipboard. E tags in and hits a middle rope elbow drop after a sidewalk slam by T. This only gets a 1-count. E kicks Crimson’s leg a couple times before tagging in T. T whips E into Crimson in the corner before hitting a standing powerslam for 2. T drops some forearms to the chest, trying to be both Mark Henry and Sheamus with that pair of moves. Problem is, he lacks the charisma. And mic skills. And talent. And fan interest. T goes to pose for the crowd, but turns around into a spinebuster from Crimson. If you ever wanted to know how small TNA’s ring is, Morgan just walked the entire length of the apron in about 3 steps. He and E tag in, and Morgan hits a couple clotheslines and a kneelift. T comes in and eats a clothesline from Morgan. Morgan whips T into E in the corner, then hits E with an avalanche. He sends T over the top rope with a clothesline before laying E out with the Carbon Footprint. Crimson, despite not being the legal man, comes in and scores the pinfall, showing how stupid TNA referees are.
WINNERS AND NEW #1 CONTENDERS: Crimson and Matt Morgan. After the match, they bicker about Crimson scoring the pinfall and stealing the spotlight.
We get yet another “Earlier Today” promo (what is this, like the 10th or 12th one this episode?), this time with AJ Styles. He’s telling Anonymous Interviewer that he is no longer friends with Kazarian and Christopher Daniels, and has figured out a way to deal with them. They are not going to like it, and it’s not going to be good. That’s kind of redundant, AJ.
TNA now has a commercial for their website, featuring some of their Knockouts in basketball jerseys and tube socks. This would be fine, except the three women that get the most time in this commercial are Angelina Love, Mickie James and Christy Hemme. Thanks for attempting to ruin one more thing for me, TNA (girls in tube socks, not basketball. I could care less about basketball).
Gunner and Kurt Angle are now getting their time with Anonymous Interviewer. Gunner is spouting off all the great things about Angle while Angle does nothing but repeatedly raise his eyebrows. Damn, that’s creepy. These two are the poster children for why people are uncomfortable with registered sex offenders moving into their neighborhoods. Angle says Gunner is right about how great Angle is. He doesn’t like Garett because he doesn’t listen, and it doesn’t matter who Garett has for a partner because their both going to the hospital. Because it’s…eh, you get the idea.
Video package for the feud between Styles and Kaz/Daniels. If Kaz had any personality and knew how to execute a finisher correctly (seriously, look at any of his finishers over the years; they’re all sloppy as hell), this feud might be worth something.
AJ Styles makes his way down to the ring, ready to announce his new Verducci Master Plan. Kudos to the five or so of you that get that reference. Styles tells us that, in a couple of months, TNA will be celebrating its 10th anniversary. I still can’t fathom how it’s been 10 years. He thinks about the great memories he’s had, the matches he’s had for this company, as well the friends and allies he’s made. Time changes things. Who would have thought a guy named Bully Ray, who used to be known as Brother Ray, would be main eventing at this point? Good question, sir. As AJ continues, Daniels and Kaz make their way out. Daniels feels he needs to clarify his position in all of this. He was AJ’s best friend and closest ally, and came back to this company to stand by AJ’s side. While his friendship got AJ fortune and fame, it got nothing but pain and punishment for Daniels, resulting him in getting fired. This resulted in his desire to put himself first from now on, and he’s suggested the same thing to Kaz. Kaz asks if AJ really wants to know why everyone is turning on him. It’s because he’s transparent, gullible, and trusting of too many people. He’s out here, naming off all these guys, all these friends (Huh? He named one person) that turned on him. Maybe the problem is AJ. He’s the “Phenomenal One”, meaning he can’t take the blame, and he can do no wrong. Maybe because he’s so self-absorbed is why everyone is turning on him. AJ calls them the self-absorbed pricks from now on. He says that Kaz is right in that he needs to associate with himself with a real…a real…wait. No. No, please, no. Not him, AJ. Please don’t bring him back here. Please….NO! F*** NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mr. Anderson (*sobs uncontrollably*) comes out, and he and AJ take out the heels. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
Backstage, we see Garett Bischoff open a door. He peers inside and asks whoever is in there if they are ready. Apparently, Mystery Wrestler says he is, and Garett tells them they’re up next. Have you ever noticed that, any time a pro wrestling organization does this kind of a bit with a mystery partner, the wrestler they are partnering with can hear every single thing they are saying, yet somehow, the microphones don’t pick up a sound?
MATCH 5: Kurt Angle and Gunner vs. Garett Bischoff and a mystery partner
Garett’s got some sweet ring gear. And by “sweet”, I mean they look like they came off the clearance rack at Wal-Mart. Note to Jeremy Borash-when a little-known commentator like Scott Stanford is making fun of you, it’s time to call it a career. The heels knock Bischoff to the floor before focusing on Hardy as the bell rings. Angle decides to be the legal man for his team as he kicks Hardy in the ribs before choking him underneath the bottom rope. Angle distracts referee Brian Hebner as Gunner chokes Hardy on the apron. Angle hits a suplex for 2. Gunner is holding his junk on the apron for no reason. Hardy fights out of a front chancery and takes Angle down with a clothesline. Hardy tries to make the tag, but Gunner knocks Bischoff to the floor. Angle traps the leg and tags in Gunner, who hits an elbow drop for 2. Gunner with a foot choke over the bottom rope. He goes for a bodyslam, but Hardy reverses and hits some punches. It’s not enough, as Gunner backs Hardy into his corner in order to tag in Angle. Commercials.
This MMA Uncensored show looks like an MMA version of Total Request Live on MTV. Even the host is a giant tool like Carson Daly.
WINNERS: Garett Bischoff and Jeff Hardy. This match had absolutely no flow to it whatsoever. More proof that, despite being crammed down our throats every week, Gunner and Garett Bischoff have a long way to go before they should be anywhere near a main event match.
End of show.
I hate you, Mr. Anderson.
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