Welcome to the 3-1-12 edition of Impact Wrestling. On a side note, for those of you that liked my Married…With Children column a while back, be on the lookout for a similar one on Seinfeld that should be up within a week or so.
Show opens with video of the ongoing saga of Bobby Roode and Sting. Because, you know, we needed Sting to wrestle again so badly. Yeah. Segue over to footage of Kurt Angle from earlier today. Anonymous Interviewer wants to know why Kurt Angle did what he did to Jeff Hardy last week. He says there are a million reasons, and that’s why he has cue cards in his hands. He’s going to go out tonight and tell everyone exactly why he hates Jeff Hardy. At this point, explaining why you hate Jeff Hardy is like explaining why poop stinks or why drugs are bad for you. Angle says he’s been quiet for weeks on the issue, because he wanted to properly explain why. There are several reasons, which he wrote down on cue cards. Jeff Hardy has lots of hair, and Angle doesn’t. He paints it colors, but having colored hair doesn’t make you a champion. #2-it’s the way Hardy dresses that gets on Angle’s nerves. He wears paint on his face and socks on his arms. As we can see, Angle dresses professionally. #3-at events, Angle will sign for hundreds of events, and when Hardy walks in, they all run away and flock to Hardy. #4-girls just love Jeff Hardy. Girls dig him too, he just chooses to be a one-woman man. And the number one reason (wait, shouldn’t it be number 5?), Kurt Angle has over a hundred figures, posters and t-shirts, and when he goes into his son’s room at night, he looks around and sees Jeff Hardy posters on the wall. He steps on action figures that turn out to be Jeff Hardy figures. He gets to the bed and tucks his son in, and notices he’s wearing a Jeff Hardy t-shirt. He goes to give his son a kiss, and his son has a painted face, purple hair and socks on his arms. Angle is an Olympic gold medalist, and Jeff Hardy is his son’s hero. It’s a constant reminder of how everyone loves Jeff Hardy, so there is only one solution for Kurt Angle. Jeff Hardy, get your ass out here right now.
Hardy makes his way out, and he’s wearing women’s Capri pants. Sweet look, Jeff. Angle says Hardy thinks he’s so cool, but these are the reasons why Hardy isn’t the World Champion. His solution is a match at Victory Road, and that is where Kurt Angle will destroy Jeff Hardy. Hardy responds by slapping Angle before taking him down and punching him. Al Snow, Pat Kenney and two referees come in to break it up, which allows Angle to slide to the floor. Hardy says he speaks for all “the creatures” when he says, “You’re own!” I think he meant “on”, but since it’s Hardy, who the hell knows?
Backstage, World Champion Bobby Roode tells Anonymous Interviewer that he is the “IT factor” of professional wrestling and the World Heavyweight Champion, and what Sting did to him last week was a disgrace, unprofessional and bad for business. The authority figure of Impact Wrestling wants to book himself in the main event while a locker room full of guys would kill for that spot. Sting is washed up and past his prime, while Roode is the future of this business. World X-Division Champion Austin Aries walks up and agrees with him on Sting. Facts are facts. They both know how to dress right and are dominant champions in their respective divisions. Sting has been trying to steal Roode’s spotlight while trying to keep Aries out of the spotlight completely. Roode wants to talk to Aries in private, as he thinks he has an idea about what to do.
Project X looks beyond awful.
MATCH 1-Gauntlet Match: Christopher Daniels and Kazarian vs. AJ Styles
Before the match, Styles says he has a proposition. Whatever Daniels is holding over Kazarian’s head, when Styles beats them both, it comes out in the open for the whole world to hear. Daniels says that, as the new face of Impact Wrestling, they don’t have capitulate into any demands Styles has. Before Daniels can finish, Kaz grabs the mic and agrees to Styles’ stipulation. Styles hits them both with a cross body to the floor, then throws Daniels into the ring to start the match. Styles with punches and chops in the corner as Kaz looks on from the floor. Daniels blocks a hip toss, but Styles counters with a clothesline. Back suplex on Daniels, followed by a backbreaker into a ribbreaker. Styles continues the attack as Kaz only looks on. Styles hits a long delayed vertical suplex for 2. Styles is in complete control as we go to commercials.
Back from the break, criss-cross sequence ends with a beautiful dropkick by Styles. He gets distracted by Kaz, rolling to the floor. This allows Daniels to hit a forearm from behind, a punch to the face and a loogie. Back in the ring, Daniels hits the lower back with some stomps, followed by a back body drop off the ropes. Kick right between the shoulders by Daniels. Styles fights back with some elbows. Daniels reverses a corner whip and connects with a back elbow for 2 before choking Styles out. Daniels sets up the Last Rites, but Styles counters and connects with the Pele. A pair of clotheslines and a roundhouse by Styles. Styles hits a LONG Superman out of the corner before dropping Daniels with a fireman’s carry into a neckbreaker for 2. Styles sets up for the Styles Clash, but Daniels breaks free, hits a double chop to the throat and an STO to take Styles down. Kazarian runs in and hits his awful reverse piledriver that he now calls “Fade to Black” (seriously, the opponent’s head doesn’t come within a foot of the mat), resulting in a DQ for Daniels.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: AJ Styles.
WINNER: Kazarian. Daniels is completely confused as Kazarian slides out of the ring and heads to the back. Daniels follows, yelling at him.
Backstage, Madison Rayne is putting up posters of Gail Kim. Rayne says it’s a gift for how she acted last week. Kim says she overreacted as well, and she bought Rayne a spa package for tomorrow. She’s got a gift for Rayne tonight as well, and that is a match with ODB. Rayne doesn’t want that gift. What an ungrateful bitch. That match is up next.
MATCH 2: Knockouts Tag Team Co-Champion Madison Rayne (w/Gail Kim) vs. ODB (w/Eric Young)
Taz is too busy talking about how Christy Hemme is the hottest ring announcer in the history of pro wrestling. I beg to differ. Rayne starts with a knee lift and some forearms. ODB reverses an Irish whip into a chest bump. ODB hits a forearm to the chest in the corner, then sends Rayne head-first into the opposite corner, slamming her head into each turnbuckle. ODB tries for the bronco buster, but Rayne gets her boot up to block it. Really sloppy spot. Rayne goes into a rear chinlock, but ODB fights out. A back elbow off the ropes takes her right back down. Rayne goes for the Rayne Drop, but ODB counters with a clothesline. ODB fights out of the corner, then hits an avalanche. Pair of shoulder blocks off the ropes, followed by a clotheseline. ODB connects with the bronco buster on the second attempt as referee Earl Hebner is distracted by a shirtless Eric Young, who is running up and down the ring apron. ODB sets up the Bammm!, but Rayne slides out. ODB quickly gets her up again as Gail Kim begins to climb up on the apron, belt in hand. However, she does nothing, and instead, ODB hits the Bammm! for the clean win.
WINNER: ODB. After the match, Kim is apologizing to Rayne, saying she accidentally dropped her belt, not allowing her to get in the ring in time.
Blubber Ray is in the back, belittling some woman. James Storm has been embarrassing him repeatedly lately, talking about the whole Brandon Jacobs incident. Bobby Roode and Austin Aries walk up. Roode talks about how embarrassing all that was last week. Ray and Roode begin to argue before Austin Aries interrupts and says it’s all Sting’s fault since Sting let Brandon Jacobs in TNA in the first place. Tonight, it’s all going to end, as they’re going to do something about it. Roode says there’s room for one more, and whispers for Ray to “Call me”.
Velvet Sky is in the back, pissing and moaning about how she’s busted her ass for years, only for someone to screw her. Isn’t that how she got the job in the first place? Anyway, she’s cut off by Sarita and Angelina Love, who walk up from behind and push her. Sky fights them both off with some of the weakest forearm shots you’ve ever seen.
Back from the break, we see the EXACT SAME footage we just saw, only a longer version. This time, the heel broads eventually take Sky down, hitting her with forearms and kicks before throwing her into a wall. Mickie James runs in, appearing for all the world that she just travelled forward in time from the seventies. She just ruined the “tall socks” look for me. Later tonight, James and Sky will take on Love and Sarita.
Backstage, Ric Flair and Eric Bischoff are laying into Garett Bischoff. Flair says that you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. Well, he’s not leading Garett to water, and he’s not letting him drink. Last week, he came back with Hogan. This week, Hogan is out of the country. Flair is a good guy and influential part of this business. If Garett shows up next week, Flair is going to make him realize this isn’t his time in Flair’s world. We see that Gunner is also here apparently. Garett says he understands and appreciates the head’s up. Flair, for whatever reason, is stunned by this statement. Gunner calls him a “cocky bastard”.
We see Austin Aries, Bobby Roode and Blubber Ray in the back, heading out towards the Impact Zone.
Aries, Roode and Ray make their way out. Taz is orgasming over Ray’s calves. Roode says he’s the reason everyone is in the building tonight, the reason why everyone at home is watching the show, and the most dominant World Heavyweight Champion in the company’s history. Sting, you are nothing more than an authority figure. You are NOT an active wrestler. When you assaulted the champ last week, you crossed the line. You don’t put your hands on the champ and you don’t book yourself in the main event at Victory Road. Tonight, Roode is going to do something Sting should have done. At Victory Road, Roode/Sting won’t happen, because Roode is done. Ray grabs the microphone and tells the camera man to shoot his calves. I hate this. At first, he thought it was all Storm’s fault. After talking to Aries and Roode, he realizes this was all Sting’s fault. Sting let Brandon Jacobs into the Impact Zone, let him jump the guardrail, and let him in the ring to chokeslam Ray through a table last week. It was Sting who caused him the biggest embarrassment of Ray’s career. Ray then has the footage put up on the big screen repeatedly. If it was so embarrassing, why would you want to watch it again and again, Ray? Do you not understand the concept of embarrassment? Ray says that he and his calves are done. It’s Aries’ turn on the mic. He’s been sitting back for the last few weeks with his mouth shut, watching this all unfold. He says Sting doesn’t know when to step out of the spotlight because he’s jealous. The oh-so brilliant Impact Zone fans begin to chant “Boring!” at the all-around most talented guy in the ring. He says Roode is a better champion than Sting ever was, he’s jealous of Ray because Ray has more talent in his calves than Sting ever had, and Sting’s jealous of Aries because Aries can do things in a wrestling ring Sting could never even imagine. Aries has done two things in his career-pissed off people and claimed championship belts. He’s defeated everyone Sting has put in front of him, and still has yet to have a main event. Just like the other two, he is done. The three of them sit down in the middle of the ring. Ray says they are staying right here.
The lights go out, and when they come back on, Sting is kneeling in the ring with a microphone. A couple weeks ago, when he said he was done (you mean last week?), he was just playing around and stirring the drink up. If that’s what these three are doing, that’s great, but if they are really done, then they all need to have a talk. The three all insist they’re done. Sting says he was going to kick the crap out of Roode last week, but he can’t do it if Roode doesn’t have a job. If Roode doesn’t have a job, then he’ll be stripped of his title. If Aries doesn’t have a job, he’ll be stripped of his title. If Ray points his finger at Sting again, he’s going to bite it off. If Ray doesn’t have a job, he doesn’t have a paycheck. He asks again if they are, in fact, done. Sting says Aries is right in that he hasn’t been in any main events. He’s going to change that tonight and put him in a six-man with the World Tag Team Champions Magnus and Samoa Joe, as well as James Storm. The lights go out again, and when they come on, of course Sting has disappeared.
Back from the break, we get another Jesse Sorensen video. This segues over to an interview earlier today with Zema Ion. Anonymous Interviewer asks him if he feels remorse over what he did to Sorensen (at least, I assume that’s what he asked, because Ion is already talking about it). Ion says he feels good. This is pro wrestling; there’s a risk involved. This isn’t ballet. He turns heads and breaks necks. He’ll do a backflip and break Interviewer’s neck right now if he wants.
MATCH 3: Shannon Moore vs. Zema Ion
Waistlock by Moore into a front facelock to start. Ion reverses into a side headlock. Ion hits a kick and goes for the ropes, but Moore whips him down. Bodyscissors into a bulldog gets 2 for Moore. Moore whips Ion into the ropes, but Ion ducks and slides to the floor. Moore hits a baseball slide. Ion sidesteps a cross body and clothesline Moore down. He throws Moore back in, climbs to the top and hits a seated dropkick. Hard whip into the corner by Ion. He goes for a bodyslam, but Moore fights out. He bounces off the ropes, but is caught by Ion. Ion hotshots him into the ropes, then catches a neckbreaker on the rebound. Ion goes to the top, but takes too long, allowing Moore to hit a dropkick. Moore climbs up with Ion and connects with a super hurricanrana for 2. Moore goes up for a moonsault, but Ion sidesteps him once again. Ion hits the back suplex into the facebreaker for 3.
WINNER: Zema Ion. I love how Moore signed with TNA (for the second time) because he would be treated so much better here than WWE. I’m pretty sure he’s lost even more matches in TNA than he did in WWE. Just saying.
Knockouts tag team match is next.
If you actually believe 5-Hour Energy does anything, you’re an idiot.
We get a “Fans Matter” video, where it’s VERY obvious that none of these guys have been paid to talk about TNA so positively, except replace the word “none” with “all”, then add that they’ve been given a script.
MATCH 4: Angelina Love and Sarita vs. Mickie James and Velvet Sky
What is it about Sarita that makes her so unappealing visually? I mean, it’s obvious what makes Angelina Love resemble a cross between a broomstick, a clown and the ass end of a dolphin, but Sarita’s lack of appeal is something I can’t quite place my finger on. Sky immediately runs into the ring and spears Love, starting this match. They roll around on the floor for about a minute. Sky kicks Love but signals for the back body drop way too early, allowing Love to kick her. Sky comes back with a facebuster and tags in James. Sky whips Love into James’ Tunacanrana, which gets 2. Love tags in Sarita, who runs right into a flapjack from James. Sarita manages to back James into her corner, where Love tries to attack from behind the ref’s back. James blocks the shot and knocks Love to the floor. Mike Tenay is talking about Lindsay Lohan now. I hate you so much, Tenay. James hits a snapmare and goes for a low dropkick off the ropes, but Love pulls the rope down, causing James to fall to the floor. Sarita hits a suicide dive on James before her and Love begin stomping. Back in the ring, Sarita covers for 2. She tries for a pin again, but again only gets 2. Love tags in and throws James face-first into the corner, followed by a foot choke on the middle turnbuckle. Tenay, still on fire, wants to know why Taz never watches him do yoga. James fights out of the corner, but runs into a sidewalk slam from Love for 2. Sarita tags back in and locks in a really craptacular version of the stretch muffler. James manages to kick her off, but Sarita comes right back with an elbow. She misses a corner charge, allowing James to roll her up for 2. Both back up, Sarita hits a clothesline. She goes for a bodyscissors off the ropes, which James reverses into a wheelbarrow suplex. Love and Sky tag in. Sky hits a pair of clotheslines, a pair of back elbows and a side uranage for 2. Sarita breaks the pin up and locks Sky in a full-nelson. Sky kicks Love away and hits Sarita with a sit-down Ace Crusher. James climbs to the top rope and hits Sarita with a Thesz Press, sending them both to the floor somehow. Love tries to nail the Botox Injection on Sky, but Sky ducks and hits a sit-out double-arm facebuster for the 3. According to Taz, the name of that move is “In Yo Face”. The names of TNA finishers just get better and better, don’t they?
WINNERS: Mickie James and Velvet Sky.
Backstage, we see James Storm and the Tag Team Champions. Storm says Lockdown is in his backyard, and he’ll do his talking then. Tonight, Bobby Roode will get a taste, and he’s bringing the tag champs with him. Magnus says you would look at a guy from Tennessee, a Brit and a Samoan and wouldn’t think they would make a natural team, but that’s beside the point. People thought he and Joe couldn’t work together either, and now they’re the champions. This isn’t about where you’re from, this is about Sting needing three guys to take it to Bobby Roode, Blubber Ray and Austin Aries. So, wait-Magnus and Joe are faces all of a sudden?
We get footage from the feud between Abyss and Immortal, specifically Blubber Ray and Scott Steiner. Can I ask why? Abyss hasn’t been on the show in almost 2 months. Apparently, Abyss’ whereabouts was the point of the whole video. I still don’t care.
MATCH 5: World X-Division Champion Austin Aries, Bully Ray and World Champion Bobby Roode vs. World Tag Team Champions Magnus & Samoa Joe, and James Storm
Taz, despite going on and on about how big Ray’s calves are for weeks, now tells us all that his calves aren’t even that big in the first place. Thank you for actually saying something factual for once, Taz. Now, can we get rid of Ray’s stupid calf muscle gimmick already? Magnus and Aries start things off. Aries ducks a tie-up attempt, then goes into a waistlock. Magnus fights out into an arm wringer. Aries reverses into a single-leg trip. Aries calls for a test of strength, but Magnus is too tall. Aries kicks him in the leg and locks in a side headlock. Magnus pushes him off, resulting in a criss-cross sequence that sees Aries end it with a cartwheel. Aries celebrates, but turns around into a clothesline from Magnus. Aries crawls to his corner and tags in Roode. Magnus tags in Storm, but Roode slides to the floor before Storm can hit him. Commercials.
WINNERS: Magnus, Samoa Joe and James Storm. After the match, Ray comes in with a chair and hits Joe across the back. He then throws the chair at Storm before booting it into his face. He tells Storm he isn’t making it to Lockdown, and that he is actually the #1 contender.
End of show.
As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx, and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:
Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.