This week’s Impact Wrestling opens up with a James Storm video package, in case you hadn’t gotten your fill with the last 812 they’ve showed over the past few months. Storm returned to TNA on Sunday, squashing Crimson in less than 5 minutes, ending the undefeated streak. You know, I hate Crimson, but that is some really stupid booking. They spend a year and a half building this guy up as undefeated, and his streak is ended in a squash match. Say what you will about Nash/Goldberg, but at least that was somewhat of a competitive match.
We learn there will be an X-Division title match opening the show tonight in an Ultimate-X match. The Bound For Glory series (ugh) returns to tonight.
MATCH 1-3-Way Ultimate X Match for the World X-Division Championship: Zema Ion vs. Chris Sabin vs. Champion Austin Aries
I love Aries’ ring robe. Chris Sabin looks less than thrilled to be here. Ion sprays a bunch of hairspray on his head before immediately trying for the belt. Aries and Sabin wishbone him down to the ring, then nail a double hip toss. Forearm in the corner by Sabin, followed by a jumping clothesline by Aries. Series of reversals by Aries and Sabin ends in a modified Lethal Combination by Aries. Aries goes up, but Ion pulls him down. Aries punches away. Ion nails the back suplex into a facebreaker before going up to the ropes. Sabin pulls him down, then throws him into one of the support beams. Ion tries for the facebreaker again, but Sabin reverses into a springboard tornado DDT. Sabin goes up, and Aries cuts him off and gets up top himself. He goes for the ropes, but Sabin chops him down. Forearms by Sabin, who then goes back up top. He begins shimmying across the rope, but Aries pulls him down into a fireman’s carry, then drives his head into two turnbuckles. Airplane spin by Aries, who is now dizzy himself. He goes up, but Sabin bumps him down to the apron. Aries hotshots him, then hits a slingshot hilo. Aries basically mule kicks Ion back to the floor, then backdrops Sabin over the top rope onto Ion. Aries follows up with a suicide dive, taking them both out. Aries goes up once again and begins to head towards the belt. He’s nearly there until Ion pulls him back down. Ion fires off some punches, but runs into a forearm. Aries goes for the brainbuster. Ion slips out into a waistlock. Aries elbows out and charges, but eats an elbow. Ion begins going up the turnbuckles, and Aries grabs him around the waist. Sabin pulls Aries off and drops an elbow across the neck. Aries throws him back out and goes after Ion again, raking the back before shoving him down the support rig to the floor. Aries is once again heading towards the belt, and Ion is back up on the turnbuckles. Aries grabs him in a headscissors, snapping off a hurricanrana. Corner dropkick and the brainbuster knock Ion out. Aries goes back up and easily shimmies to the belt.
[adinserter block=”2″]WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Austin Aries. Decent match, but far from the best Ultimate X match I’ve ever seen. It was too short, and Ion was just taking up space. In the replays, it appears Sabin may have hurt his knee again. This is not good.
Aries grabs a mic after the match. He tells that, under a year ago, he walked into this company and made some pretty hefty claims. He said there was no one in this company he couldn’t defeat, and he was pound-for-pound the most complete package in pro wrestling. He wasn’t just great; he is the greatest man that ever lived. People thought he was blowing smoke, but in short time, he proved them all wrong. Whether he’s the first match, the fourth match or the last match, he’s always the main event. He is “must-see-TV”, “Mr. Money’s Worth”. He’s not satisfied with the X-Division title, though. He’s not satisfied with a snail’s pace. He’s not going to earn respect; he’s going to take it.
At this, Hulk Hogan makes his way out, because the show was too entertaining. Before we know what’s on Hogan’s mind, we go to commercials. SpikeTV absolutely loves having no clue how to schedule commercial breaks.
Back from the break, the Impact Zone is mindlessly cheering for Hogan. Hogan says hears all the hoopla when Aries comes out. But, for Aries to come out week after week and say he’s the main event, that’s a pretty tall order. Brother. He’s sure Aries knows a lot about Hogan’s career, and wherever Aries is going, Hogan’s already been there. He knows what it’s like to be a main eventer and a star. All Hogan’s accomplishments, he’s never had goosebumps like he gets when he sees Aries wrestle. He’s taken wrestling to another level, and Hogan calls him the greatest thing he’s ever seen. Aries wants to be “the man”, and the main event. Hogan says that, if Aries wants to be the main event, he can make that happen at Destination X. But, he’s got to put his money where his mouth is. He’s willing to put the World Champion against Aries at that PPV, but on one condition-he doesn’t want one wrestler holding both belts. So, if Aries vacates the X-Division title, he gets the match for the World title at the PPV. Hogan and all of the fans believe in Aries, and they know he can win the World title. Aries says he busted his tail for his title, and he’s just supposed to hand it over. Hogan doesn’t want that; he wants Aries to become greater than he already is, and become the World Champion. He wants Aries to prove that he is the greatest man that ever lived, and he has one week to make a decision.
Well, that was a better segment than I would have guessed. If Aries is given the chance to main event, I’m all for it.
We get some video from Slammiversary, which had what Dixie Carter claims was the biggest crowd in TNA history.
Still to come, we’ll hear from Sting. We also get video from Slammiversary, showing Joseph Abyss pinning Bully Ray after Joe’s “brother” Abyss (actually a Team 3-D wrestler in Abyss’ clothes) interfered.
Backstage, we see Joseph Abyss telling a bunch of people at a lunch table about how great it was to beat Bully Ray at Slammiversary. They all scatter when Ray shows up, wanting to know where Abyss is. He then spits in Joe’s food before asking again. Joe says that, the last time he saw him, he was putting Ray through a table. Ray turns the table over and says he won’t rest until he finds Abyss.
Based on Oliver Stone’s history with films, I’m sure Savages is 100% true. Except, of course, for the numerous facts that Stone will get wrong based on crackpot conspiracy theories and misinformation.
MATCH 2-World Television Championship: Hernandez vs. Champion Devon
TNA is attempting to push Hernandez yet again for some reason (or so I’ve read), despite the fact that he has yet to get over with fans after the last 3 or 4 pushes. TNA really loves their one-named wrestlers, don’t they? Before Devon can get in the ring, Hernandez takes him out with a plancha over the ropes. Back in the ring, Hernandez gets 2. He throws Devon into the corner, but misses a charge. He blocks a hip toss and lands a clothesline for 2. Devon fights back with punches before running into a back elbow for another 2 for Hernandez. His facial hair makes his face look weird. Hernandez locks in a bearhug until Devon fights out with some rights. Hernandez with a double chop to the shoulders, but Devon comes back with a spear. TNA wrestlers love their spears. Devon lands a flying shoulderblock off the ropes and a neckbreaker, followed by a jumping headbutt off the ropes. Avalanches in the corner, but Hernandez counters with a Pounce for 2. Devon comes back with a corner clothesline. Hernandez blocks a second attempt with a foot, then backflips to the top rope a la Sheamus (minus the talent and charisma), has trouble getting to his feet, then botches his version of Sheamus’ Battering Ram. Devon quickly comes back with the standing spinebuster for the 3.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Devon. I’m not expecting Hernandez’s push to last long, especially since he just lost only his second match since Anarquia left.
We see footage from last week when Serj Carter “punched” AJ Styles. This leads to footage of Styles and Dixie talking, with Styles saying they need to end “this”. He says people are getting hurt, and they need to end it, get it out in the open. She asks if they can talk later tonight, and he agrees.
Up next, the BFG Series starts with a gauntlet match.
We see Bobby Roode entering the building earlier today. Roode will defend the title against Mr. Anderson later tonight.
MATCH 3-Bound For Glory Series Gauntlet Match; Participants: AJ Styles, Jeff Hardy,
This is a “Gauntlet for the Gold”-style match, with new participants entering every 90 seconds, and the match is worth 20 points in the series. Styles and Hardy start off. Hardy with a side headlock. Criss-cross segment ends in a Styles dropkick. Hardy goes into the corner, then back drops him over the ropes. Hardy lands on his feet on the apron and comes back in with his own dropkick.
RVD is out next, and he takes Styles down with a clothesline. Roundhouse for Hardy. Thrust kick for Styles. Spinning heel kick for Hardy. Monkey flip on Styles, and Rolling Thunder for Hardy. Commercials.
Back from the break, Magnus has joined the match and Bully Ray is making his way down. Styles tries to throw Magnus over, but he’s too big. Ray gets on the apron and begins slugging Hardy. He gets in and throws punches at everyone. Avalanche on Magnus, followed by a big boot on RVD. He tries to throw Styles out, but Styles holds on. Magnus slugs away at him, but Ray rakes the eyes.
Kurt Angle is out next as Ray tries to throw Styles out, while RVD tries to throw Hardy out. Angle lands a German suplex on Magnus. Another one for Hardy. He and Ray trade punches in the corner, with Angle beating Ray down. Styles and RVD begin trading shots as Angle tries to throw Ray out. Ray lands on his feet on the apron and punches Angle. Magnus is stomping away at Hardy. Ray punches him, then focuses on Hardy himself. RVD tries to throw Styles out.
D’Angelo Dinero is out next. He still works here? Whatever. He’s a scumbag. RVD misses a roundhouse, and Pope lands an uppercut. STO for Styles before Ray nails him with a double axe handle to the back of the head. Ray boots Hardy off the apron after throwing him over. Jeff Hardy is eliminated. Abyss crawls out from under the ring, climbs up on the apron, then yanks him over the ropes. Bully Ray is eliminated. I believe that was the real Abyss/Joseph Park. More commercials.
Back from the break yet again, Robbie E has now joined the match, and Angle is teeing off on him. No one else has been eliminated. Just as I type that, Styles eliminates RVD. Pope sends Magnus hard into the corner.
Christopher Daniels is out next. Styles immediately nails him with a Superman, a clothesline and a back elbow. Daniels escapes a Styles Clash, and Styles accidentally nails Angle with a Ghetto Blaster. Daniels then eliminates Styles before eliminating Angle. The World Tag Team Champions have both been eliminated. Pope takes E down with a flying shoulderblock.
Samoa Joe is out, and he lays in some forearms on Pope and Daniels. E piefaces him, so Joe headbutts him and throws him over the top. Robbie E is eliminated. Daniels begins trying to eliminate Joe with Pope, but Magnus throws them both off. He lands a big boot on Daniels. Joe then chops Magnus across the chest, starting some friendly competition. They trade some punches, and Magnus takes Joe down with a big boot. Joe low bridges him charging in, and Magnus gets sent to the floor. Magnus is eliminated. It’s down to Joe, Daniels and Pope. Joe and Pope take turns punching Daniels.
James Storm is the next entrant. He immediately throws Pope out. D’Angelo Dinero is eliminated. Back body drop, clothesline and Closing Time for Daniels. Daniels blocks the Last Call, but Storm quickly clotheslines him over the top rope. Christopher Daniels is eliminated. We learn the last man in the series will be whoever loses the World title match later tonight. Joe and Storm trade some blows, and they are apparently the last two in this match. Joe kicks Storm and tries to throw him out, but Storm skins the cat. He tries to eliminate Joe, but Joe lands on his feet on the apron. He locks Storm in the Kokina Clutch, but Storm hotshots him and lands the Last Call, eliminating Joe.
WINNER: James Storm, who earns 20 points. Storm grabs a microphone and says the last time he was in the ring, he thought his luck had ran out, so he went home. For the last two months, he’s been spending time with his family and on his farm, a place he built with blood, sweat and tears, just like his wrestling career. He said that if wrestling was still in his blood, his home would tell him. A couple weeks ago, he and his daughter were riding horses when she asked him if he would still wrestle. It wasn’t the question she asked him, but what she meant by it. He knows what wrestling means to him. What he didn’t know is what it meant to his little girl. Last Sunday, at Slammiversary and even tonight, he didn’t realize what he meant to everyone of the fans as well until then. A “Welcome back” chant starts, despite the fact he really never went anywhere, and we’ve been inundated with videos of him since he “left”. He made a promise to himself and his daughter, and now he’s going to make one to the fans-he came back to be the World Champion, and if he didn’t make himself clear, “Cowboy” James Storm is back, and Bobby Roode, he hopes and prays Roode is champion after the BFG series is over, because that’s going to be a bonus for whooping his ass. Stupid catchphrase time.
Bobby Roode is backstage, and Anonymous Interviewer asks him what he thinks about James Storm returning. Roode isn’t scared. Storm is jealous of him, just like everyone else. If Storm wants to come after the belt, that’s fine. Tonight, however, he has a bigger fish to fry in the form of an asshole. And no, ass hasn’t been censored tonight. Give it a little bit, though, and SpikeTV will forget what it’s doing and start censoring it again.
While advertising for upcoming TNA shows, we get to hear some “fan” talk about how awesome the company. I love these guys, because it’s so obvious they’re reading off a cue card.
We see Kurt Angle and AJ Styles in the locker room. Angle wants to know what the hell is going on with Styles. He needs to get this crap with Dixie Carter out of his head, or he’s going to cost them the titles. Styles promises he’ll get it straight and get focused.
We see Miss Tessmacher win the Knockouts title from this past Sunday. There’s only a couple of people in this company less deserving than Tessmacher, and they’re barely less deserving.
MATCH 4: Madison Rayne vs. Knockouts Champion Miss Tessmacher (non-title)
Rayne starts off with a side headlock. Tessy counters into her own, follows with a takedown, an armdrag and a godawful dropkick. Rayne gets Tessy into the corner and charges in, but runs into a completely whiffed boot by Tessy. Rayne whips her down by the hair, then throws her into the opposite corner. Hip bump in the corner by Rayne, followed by that stupid facebuster by the hair that’s been done since the dawn of time, which gets 2. Tessy lands a forearm and a neckbreaker. More forearms to the face. A pair of clotheslines off the ropes, followed by a “flying” forearm. Mug Shot out of the corner gets 2. Tessy goes for the Brooke Shield, but Rayne blocks it and goes for the Rayne Drop. Tessy nails a knee to the gut, then hits a version of the Nightmare on Helms Street for the 3.
WINNER: Miss Tessmacher. For some reason, the camera focuses on her standing on the stage for about a minute or two, just staring off into space.
We see Gail Kim and Brooke Hogan in the back. Brooke says Open Fight Night is next week, and the Knockouts title will be on the line. Brooke wants four girls in the match. Kim says no, saying she deserves the match one-on-one. She has a rematch clause. Brooke agrees, but says the contract doesn’t say when the rematch happens, and Brooke is going to decide that. She won’t be in the title match next week, and will in fact have the day off. Listening to Brooke Hogan makes me sick. Not only is she repulsive to look at, but she sounds just like her dad. If she had bigger arms, you couldn’t tell the difference between her and her dad. It’s horrifying.
So, tonight, TNA is showing video footage of all of the match results from Slammiversary, basically telling everyone who paid for the show, “You’re stupid for buying us.”
MATCH 5-World Championship: Mr. Anderson vs. Champion Bobby Roode
I hope they keep this match short, but at the same time I really, really don’t want another long-winded Sting promo. It’s a no-win situation here. Don’t get me wrong, I like Bobby Roode; it’s his challenger I have a problem with. Man, there are some horrifying-looking people in the front row tonight. Anderson looks drunk tonight. Tie-up to start, with Anderson going into a headlock. Criss-cross sequence ends with an Anderson clothesline. Corner whip by Anderson, followed by a corner clothesline. Roode reverses a second whip, but Anderson comes out of the corner with another clothesline. Roode slides to the apron, and Anderson suplexes him back in for 2. Roode begs off, before throwing Anderson out by the tights. Roode tries a plancha to the floor, but Anderson sidesteps him before whipping him into the steps. Commercials.
Lollipop Chainsaw is going to be awesome. If you’ve ever played a Suda51 game before, you know I’m telling the truth.
Back from the break, Roode is in control with a grounded rear chinlock. During the break, Roode nailed a clothesline on the outside. Anderson fights out with elbows and counters a kitchen sink into a schoolboy for 2. Backslide by Anderson gets another 2. Roode blocks a swinging neckbreaker with an elbow to the back of the head, then lands a neckbreaker of his own for 2. Roode with a jumping kneedrop to the back of the head for another 2. Roode goes back to the rear chinlock. He turns it into a front chancery, then into a neck vice. Anderson fights out, then sends Roode into the corner. Roode elbows off a corner charge, but runs right into a clothesline. Another clothesline follows, followed by a swinging neckbreaker. Anderson looks for the rolling fireman’s carry, but Roode escapes. Anderson misses a roundhouse, but keeps spinning and lands a Ghetto Blaster. He looks for the Mic Check, but Roode reverses into the Bowflex. Anderson counters into a pin for 2, then follows up with the rolling fireman’s carry slam for 2. Roode slides to the outside, where he manages to sucker Anderson into pulling him back into the ring. Roode hotshots the arm, then gets back in the ring, locks Anderson in a hammerlock, and sends him into the top rope, shoulder-first. Roode quickly locks in the Bowflex a second time, and Anderson eventually taps out.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Bobby Roode.
Backstage, we see Dixie Carter and AJ Styles talking again. Carter says they need to come clean, and next week, they need to get all of this out in the open. Dixie is reading off a cue card off to the side. You can tell, because she can’t look him in the eye. The two then hug.
Back from the break, we see highlights from the Gauntlet Match earlier tonight. How in the hell are Robbie E and D’Angelo Dinero more qualified for this series than most of the guys who have been left out?
Open Fight Night and the Gut Check are next week. Ugh.
Jeremy Borash, looking fatter than ever, is in the ring to introduce Sting, who became the first member of TNA’s Hall of Fame this past Sunday. Borash’s exact words before showing the video: “That man is this gentleman.” We get a video package for Sting, including wrestling clips and interviews with his colleagues. I want to know why every other wrestler talking in this video is wearing sunglasses? Hulk Hogan also makes up words during this video, such as “uncomparable”.
[adinserter block=”1″]After the video, Sting comes out and calls Slammiversary one of the greatest nights he’s ever experienced in his career. The two weeks leading up to Slammiversary and Slammiversary itself, Sting’s only goal was to take a huge chunk out of Bobby Roode’s, and he did. He can’t tell you what it means to him to become the first HOF inductee. As he stood on the stage next to everyone at the PPV, he felt there were guys who deserved it as much as he did, if not more. He thanks Jeff & Jerry Jarrett for starting the company, then thanks Dixie Carter. Before he can finish thanking them, three guys in leather vests, jeans and masks hit the ring and begin attacking Sting. One of them chokes him with a wallet chain as the other two continue to stomp him. The attack continues unopposed as the show goes off the air.
End of show.
Meh. As for the end of the show, I don’t know who the three guys were. I’m sure it will be revealed tonight or tomorrow online, but I couldn’t tell right away who they were due to the way they were dressed. I’m sure that, whoever they are, it will be really disappointing.
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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.
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