We are now into week 2 of live Impact Wrestling episodes, and there’s a couple of news tidbits about TNA to point out. As you may have heard, Alex Shelley have left TNA, and it is rumored that he is very close to signing with WWE. Chris Sabin, who is Shelley’s former tag team partner, is still in TNA, but is rumored to be leaving the company when his contract is up in August, and will likely head to WWE. Magnus, who only recently began appearing on TV thanks to his surprisingly good tag team with Samoa Joe, has also announced he’d be interested in signing with WWE when his contract runs out. All great signs for WWE, not so good for TNA.
Also, I apologize in advance for interruptions in this recap, should they occur. There are storm warnings in my area, and the television has been getting interrupted by messages from the National Weather Service all day.
The show starts with video of the Styles/Kazarian/Daniels feud, which culminated in a taped phone conversation with Dixie Carter and AJ Styles last week, and Carter flipping out at the end of the show. You know, even when she’s showing emotion, you can barely tell. I’m sorry, but I am done with this feud and angle.
We then cut away to footage last week of Dixie Carter storming out of the building and into the production truck. She’s screaming and cursing at everyone. She then yells at some producer named David, who is apologizing, saying he didn’t know what was on the tape before he aired it. She tells him he’s finished if he doesn’t find out who is responsible for all of this. I kid you not, she’s screaming at this guy, but her face is completely dead.
Back in the ring, Dixie is crying. She says that she’s tried all week to find the right thing to say, but no matter what she comes up with someone’s going to get hurt. She feels sorry for Daniels and Kazarian. They are so full of hate they would go around intentionally hurting everyone else. She feels there’s nothing else she can do but tell the truth tonight. Before that happens, the World Tag Team Champions make their way out. Daniels says he knows how hard this is. He knows the truth, so he wants to help her tell it. The truth is, she made a mistake, and she was happy to hide it, except she got found out. She needs to tell these people that she’s a woman and she just wants what she wants. But, the cold hard truth she should tell everyone is that she had a hole in her heart that her husband Serj couldn’t fill, and she found a replacement with Styles. So, who was the first person to call? Who decided where they should meet? She goes to shove Daniels, and he knocks her on her ass, telling her to never put her hands on him. Styles runs out and chases the champs out of the ring as Dixie pretends to cry in the corner. Serj Carter comes out and helps her up before staring a hole through Styles. Styles offers a handshake, so Serj decks him. Styles no-sells it like a champ, popping right back up. Can’t say I blame him. As Serj leaves, Styles whispers something into Dixie’s ear, and they leave the area together.
Back from the commercials, and we’re immediately going into a review of what just happened before the break. Because talking and backstage segments are better than in-ring competition, according to Dixie Carter.
We’ve got a big six-man tag team match for the main event later. For now, back to the ring.
Backstage, we see Samoa Joe and Austin Aries arguing about respect. I could barely hear what Joe was saying. Aries starts with a waistlock. Crimson turns it into an armdrag. Aries with some kicks to the leg. Crimson blocks one, picks Aries up and throws him to the corner, where he lands a few shoulder thrusts. Aries gets caught out of the opposite corner, but slides down and lands a few kicks. He lands some punches to the gut, forearms to the face and a running dropkick to the knee. He hits a legbreaker and a rolling elbow. Crimson sends him over the top. Aries lands on his feet, trips Crimson and hits a slingshot corkscrew plancha for 2. He goes for an Asai Moonsault, but Crimson gets his knees up. He goes for Red Sky, and Aries turns it into a hurricanrana. He follows up with a corner dropkick and looks for the brainbuster, but Crimson sends him to the floor. He follows out, and Aries quickly gets back in the ring, nailing a suicide dive. Back in the ring, Aries goes up top, but Samoa Joe takes him to the floor behind the referee’s back. He throws Aries back in the ring, where Crimson gets the 3.
WINNER: Crimson. Crimson gets on the mic and says no one can beat him. He’s our undefeated hero for a reason. He’s been undefeated for 468 days, “way longer than that Goldberg guy”. He’s the most dominant man in wrestling, and at Slammiversary, he’ll prove it. He’s issuing an open challenge for the PPV for anyone to face him.
Hulk Hogan is in the back, rattling off a bunch of crap about Bobby Roode, AJ Styles, Dixie Carter and his daughter. Blah, blah, blah.
Brooke Hogan enters the Knockouts locker room to introduce herself, looking exactly like her dad, except with smaller boobs. God, she’s horrifying. Of course, only the face Knockouts are in there. She says she’s honored to work here and is very excited about it. She’s making a four-way between the girls-Mickie James, Brooke Tessmacher, Tara and Velvet Sky-to determine a new #1 contender for the title. Before she leaves, she wants everyone to know she’s creating some opportunities for them, starting with Velvet Sky. She has gotten Sky a part in the new Montgomery Gentry music video. Mickie James is all sadpants since she’s the wannabe country singer.
Hulk Hogan makes his way out to the Impact Zone. He says the party starts tonight, because this is the 10 year anniversary for Impact Wrestling. When you talk about partying, we’re starting tonight, going through the weekend at Slammiversary, and ends next week at Impact Wrestling. The party’s on, brothers. As a special surprise, next week, the World title will be defended, regardless of what happens at Slammiversary. As you would expect, the champion himself makes his way out. Bobby Roode already has a mic as he makes his way to the ring. And just before he begins to talk, my feed is interrupted by the National Weather Service. Again, I am really sorry about this.
When the show comes back on, Bobby Roode is yelling about how, after he defeats Sting at Slammiversary, he has to defend the belt again on the following Thursday. Hogan starts to interrupt, but Roode isn’t done yet. He has figured Hogan out. Hogan is jealous of him. Even in his prime, he couldn’t lace up Roode’s boots. He’s a better man, a better wrestler and a better champion than Hogan ever was. So, if he wants to be the GM, he suggests he gets his general manager ass back to his office. And seeing as Hogan’s not an active wrestler (Roode grabs Hogan by the shirt), “get the hell out of my ring!”
Sting makes his way out into the ring, but Roode cuts him off with stomps and punches. He turns his attention back to Hogan, and Sting pops right back up. Roode punches him, so Sting no-sells it and begins laying in some punches. Clothesline off the ropes by Sting, and Roode rolls to the floor.
The Knockouts 4-way is up next.
Joseph Abyss is talking to Anonymous Interwiever. He went from just looking for his brother to being a part of a wrestling show. He’s always been about truth and justice, and Slammiversary, he might just get a little bit of both.
MATCH 2-4-Way to determine a new #1 contender to the Knockouts Championship: Mickie James vs. Velvet Sky vs. Miss Tessmacher vs. Tara
James is wrestling in actual cowboy boots. How can she be this stupid? Even wrestlers in the past who looked like they wrestled in cowboy boots still had padding added to the bottom. Well, most of them, anyway. Tessy is now going by “Miss” again. Can they just decide on a damn name, please? All four will be in the ring at once. Tessy and Workrate pair off, as Tara and James do the same. They trade punches. Eventually, James and Tessy are knocked down. Tessy and Tara go for a double back drop, which is stopped by Workrate and James. TNT are taken down by clotheslines and sent to the floor. James gets a quick rollup on Workrate for 2 as Gail Kim makes her way onto the stage. Workrate gets in a rollup of her own as we go to commercials.
Back from the break, Kim has joined commentary. James dropkicks Tara to the floor. Tessy gets a schoolgirl on James for 2. Tessy reverses a corner whip. James blocks a monkey flip and hits a weak enziguri for 2. Tessy comes back with a jawbreaker and a neckbreaker for 2. Workrate breaks the pin with an eye rake to Tessy. Sky sends her to the floor, and Tara gets in a schoolgirl on Workrate for 2. Tara with some shoulder thrusts in the corner, followed by a float-over suplex for 2. Tara locks in a Boston Crab, and James comes in and simultaneous locks in a Dragon Sleeper. Tessy comes in and locks in a sleeper on James. James armdrags her away, and Workrate rolls up Tara in a sunset flip for 2 before sending her to the floor. Workrate hits her kick/chop series and a spinning headscissors. James comes back with a flapjack. Tara throws James to the floor over the top rope, then goes up top for a moonsault. Workrate moves out of the way before rolling to the floor. Tessy gets back on the apron and wants to square off with her partner. She shoves Tara and hits a forearm. Tara punches her down. Tessy with more forearms. Tara catches the Spider’s Web off the ropes and goes for the standing moonsault, but Workrate stops it with a DDT. She turns around and takes a top rope Thesz Press from James, followed by a roundhouse kick. Tessy botches the holy hell out of the Brooke Shield on James, and gets the 3.
WINNER AND NEW #1 CONTENDER: Brooke Tessmacher. Total clusterf*ck here.
Bully Ray is in the back, telling Anonymous Interviewer he knows what to expect from tonight’s contract signing. He also has some legal documents for Joseph Abyss to sign. “A meeting of the minds is coming up, and it’s one you don’t want to miss.” If a Bully Ray/Abyss contract signing is a “meeting of the minds”, I weep for society.
Just in case you didn’t see it the first few times, we get to see Dixie Carter pretending to cry from the beginning of the show yet again.
We see Hulk Hogan backstage talking on a cellphone. He’s talking to AJ Styles, saying he doesn’t care about Styles’ personal sh*t and needs to get here right away, as he’s in the main event. He then hangs up and calls Styles a sonofabitch.
In the ring, Jeremy Borash is about to introduce Bully Ray and Joseph Abyss, who are going to sign the contract for their match at Slammiversary. I can’t decide what’s worse-this or the Dixie Carter/AJ/Chris-Zarian nonsense. Bully Ray makes his way out first. Ray asks everyone if they know who he is, in case they forgot since the last time he asked. Borash looks fatter than ever as Ray gets in his face. Apparently, that’s the extent of Ray’s promo here, as Joseph Abyss is now making his way out to a pretty apathetic reaction. Why is there both a podium and a table in here? I think just one flat surface will suffice for a contract signing. Ray grabs the contracts and rips it up. He says that was a standard contract for a standard match. We’re not having a standard wrestling match. Ray holds up a piece of paper and says this is the new contract. This is a contract that relieves Ray of all liability. This contract has a “hold harmless” clause that says there will be no repercussions in regards to what he does to Abyss. This is the contract Abyss is going to sign. Ray then signs the contract on the podium (again, do we need the table?) before shoving it Abyss and telling him to sign it. Abyss pretends to be all shaky as he looks it over. He tells Ray he’s never been in a fight. If he thinks Abyss is crazy or insane enough to put his physical well-being on the line…he’s just an attorney, and he’s not signing it. Ray nods his head OK and offers a handshake. Ray grabs Abyss’ hand, then spits in his face. Are you going to sign it now? Abyss says he’s still not going to sign. For the last 10 years of his life, his “brother” gave his life to this company. His “brother” spilled his blood and gave his body for these people here and at home, and how dare you, sir, try to desecrate his legacy with what you’ve done. If Ray wants an all-out fight at the PPV, he’s got one. He’s doing it for his “brother”. Abyss then signs the contract as some fireworks spark. We see Abyss in his normal gear on the screen. He says that, their whole lives, Joseph has been opening doors he has no business opening. Look at the situation he’s gotten himself into. He’s warned Joseph for weeks to step away from the fire before he gets burned. How is Abyss coming Joseph says he was just trying to help. Abyss says he’s never needed Joseph’s help. Ray said he left Abyss for dead. Does he look dead? Both Joseph and Ray are going to find out how alive he is at Slammiversary. The video goes off as Joseph prays for himself not to go away. Ray knocks him out from behind with a forearm shot.
Up next, Devon defends the TV title against Robbie for the 812th time.
We see video from earlier today with Devon and Garett Bischoff. He says that, since Devon has Robbie E in a match later tonight, and Robbie T will be right behind him, Garett wants to be in Devon’s corner. Devon says he really likes Garett and he sees something in him. He thinks Garett has a lot of heart and will be good in the tag match on Sunday (?) and he would be honored to have Garett in his corner. I guess part of Garett’s contract is that all of the faces have to verbally fellate him at least once.
Another storm warning, and we come back to Taz and Mike Tenay are apparently talking about Joey Ryan, with Taz saying he needs to get better. Hanging out on Twitter and YouTube won’t make him better. We get some video after the show last week. Joey Ryan calls Taz a joke, saying he hasn’t been relevant in years. Al Snow walks up and tells him to shut up. When there’s a camera here, you don’t talk to Al like that (his words). Ryan calls Al Snow and the show pathetic. Snow grabs Ryan by the back of the neck and walks him out of the area. I agree with Joey Ryan 100% here. I hope WWE catches wind of him and finally signs him. They’ve used him repeatedly for squash matches before, so why not hire him for a full-time contract? It eventually worked for Daniel Bryan.
MATCH 3-World Television Championship: Robbie E (w/Robbie T) vs. Champion Devon (w/Garett Bischoff)
E starts with some stomps before backing Devon into the corner with shoulder thrusts. Devon comes back with punches. E with a knee lift, followed by a knee choke by the ropes. E takes Devon to the opposite side, where he does the same thing. T gets in a cheap shot behind the ref’s back, allowing E to get a 2. Madison Rayne is now glossing her lips on the stage. E lands a back elbow off the ropes for 2, which Tenay refers to as “the power game”. Shut up, asshat. Devon lands a spear off the ropes, followed by a clothesline and a back elbow. Devon with a shoulder block off the ropes and a standing uranage. Jumping headbutt off the ropes. Devon goes to the corner for a charge, but T trips him behind the ref’s back. Bischoff tries to start something, but the referee shoves him off and argues with him. Back in the ring, Devon gets a small package, but the referee isn’t paying attention. T gets in the ring and reverses it, but the referee sees him and orders him out of the ring. Behind this, Bischoff reverses the small package, and the referee turns around to count the 3.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Devon. Robbie T comes in from behind to attack Devon, and then follows up with a back elbow on Bischoff that doesn’t even come close to making contact. The faces come back with some punches, and Bischoff looks like he’s play-fighting. Another clusterf*ck tonight. Good job, guys.
Anyone else find it funny/sad that most of the reality shows now on TruTV, TLC and History involve nothing but a bunch of backwoods hicks? Who keeps demanding these shows?
We now see more video from earlier tonight, except this time, it’s the Sting/Roode/Hogan nonsense. Meanwhile, while recapping the video, Taz tries to explain that a spinning back punch and a spinning backhand are two different things.
Hulk Hogan is in the ring for the second time tonight, because once wasn’t enough. He says he was ready to make a big announcement earlier tonight before Roode rudely interrupted him. Before Hogan can finish, The worthless hunk of sh*t known as Mr. Anderson interrupts. He stops on the stage to do his self-introduction (assh*les is now bleeped this week, while ass is perfectly fine. Yeah, I don’t know either). He eventually climbs into the ring, where “asshole” is no longer bleeped. Jesus, SpikeTV. Make up your damn mind. He believes Hogan was about to say Mr. Anderson was going to get a title shot next week. Hogan tells him to cool his jets, brother. Anderson doesn’t want to cool his jets; he wants Hogan to announce him as getting a title shot next week. Hogan asks permission from “Mr. A#$hole” (this word has no value anymore) to finish his announcement. Hogan calls RVD to come down to the ring. RVD makes his way out. He then calls Jeff Hardy out. How much you want to bet we’re either getting a 4-way next week, or at the very least a 3-way to determine a new #1 contender between these three, even though we just had this same damn match a few weeks ago? Anderson complains about Hogan giving one of these “frickin’ clowns” a match for the title. Hogan uses a bunch of stupid expressions, complaining about how these three have been at each other for weeks as he loses his voice. Hogan announces that, at Slammiversary, the exact same 3-way you’ve already seen and I just mentioned will happen, and the winner will get the title match next Thursday.
You know, I realize Anderson isn’t juicing anymore, but does that mean that he’s allergic to working out? He is so scrawny and out of shape now. Ziggler managed to stay in shape after he dropped the juice weight. Just saying.
Up next, the main event.
MATCH 4: World Tag Team Champions Daniels & Kazarian, and World Champion Bobby Roode vs. Kurt Angle, AJ Styles and Sting
I guess Angle is officially a face now, since he’s high-fiving fans. I love how face/heel turns in TNA often come without any warning or reasoning whatsoever. Styles’ music hits for his entrance, but he’s not coming out. Looks like this will be a 2-on-3 handicap match instead. Sting is sporting the Sgt. Pepper jackets again, only long versions. The faces attack the tag team champions as Roode stays on the apron. Angle has Kaz in the ankle lock while Sting has Daniels in the Scorpion Deathlock. Eventually, the heels get to the ropes to break the holds, then slide to the floor. Commercials.
WINNERS: Kurt Angle, Sting and AJ Styles. Clusterf*ck #3 of the night. Even with all of the talent in that ring (and Sting and Kazarian), this match sucked. No flow to it all, and just a total mess.
End of show.
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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.
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