Welcome to the 4-12-12 edition of Impact Wrestling. Before I get into tonight’s show, I have to do a bit of a cheap plug for myself. In addition to CCB and the other sites I am currently writing for, I am now a WWE correspondent for Sportskeeda.com. My first article is already up, taking a look at Smackdown!’s latest acquisition, Ryback. Check it out, and feedback is always welcome.
Tonight is the “go home” edition of Impact, as Lockdown takes place this Sunday. Now, I don’t ever order TNA PPVs, ever, but after seeing this card, I gotta say…yeah, I’m still not ordering any TNA PPVs. Team Garett vs. Team Eric in “Lethal Lockdown”? Thanks, but I’d rather have screws drilled into my toes.
Heading into the Impact Zone is the aforementioned Eric Bischoff. He points at some fat guy, calling him a “piece of crap” and asking if he ate his way in here. That is just so clever. He’s got some business to take care of, and he’s going to do it right now. Hulk Hogan and his kid are feeling really good about themselves. For once, I actually agree with an Impact Zone chant, as the crowd is chanting “We don’t care!” What Hogan and Garett don’t understand is that the name Eric Bischoff will live on after everyone is dead and gone. He will be a legacy in this business, and his name will live on. Last week, when Hogan questioned his leadership ability. With a snap of his finger, Eric was able to put together the most devastating team “this history has ever seen.” I think you mean “industry”, f**knut. Bischoff then introduces his team to the crowd. You can pretty much predict who his team is, but just in case, it’s Bully Ray, Christopher Daniels, Gunner and Kazarian. Ray continues his stupid shtick by asking the crowd if they know who Eric Bischoff is. Chances are, half of them don’t. Ray says he’s proud to stand next to Bischoff and go to war for him, but as great of a man as Bischoff is, he’s made one mistake. He’s going to call Bischoff out on the mistake right now, and that mistake is his bastard son. Bischoff knows Ray will take care of that at Lockdown, and he knows what the stakes are. One team will have a one-man advantage, and tonight, we’ll have a best-of-3 series to determine that advantage. He knows Gunner is ready and will take anyone down his punk-ass kid can bring, so let’s start things now.
And, of course, Garett proves he’s the biggest dumbass in the Bischoff family by choosing Mr. Anderson. Anderson/Gunner is up next. God help us.
MATCH 1-Lethal Lockdown Best-of-3 Series, Part 1: Gunner vs. Mr. Anderson
The match has already started when we come back from the break. Anderson is punching Gunner in the corner. Anderson with a kick, some punches and some stomps to send Gunner down in the corner. Gunner suckers him in, tripping him into the second turnbuckle. Gunner rakes the forehead, where Anderson has a bandage from his boo-boo last week. Gunner rakes his nails across Anderson’s back before punching him a few times. He goes to lawn dart Anderson into the ring post, but Anderson slides out and sends Gunner into the post. Gunner goes into the guardrail a couple of times. Anderson punches him before Gunner rolls back into the ring. Anderson hits a back elbow. He goes for the rolling fireman’s carry, but Gunner slides out and gets a schoolboy with a handful of tights for 2. Anderson hits a clothesline and a few elbows. Oooh! You can watch Lockdown in a movie theater! 1985 called and it wants its brand new concept back. Gunner hits a weak clothesline out of the corner before punching Anderson in the head. Workrate! Anderson gets sent face-first into the turnbuckles. Gunner grinds his shin into Anderson’s face. Anderson goes for a waistlock. Gunner reverses and turns it into a horribly botched schoolboy for 2. How in the hell do you botch a schoolboy? Anderson with a right hand to the face. They trade some blows. Gunner hits a knee to the midsection and corner whips him. Anderson sidesteps, sending Gunner shoulder-first into the post. Anderson throws him into the post once more before sending him to an adjacent corner and punching him down. Anderson goes for a foot choke and won’t break it, resulting in a DQ.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Mr. Anderson. Anderson stomps Gunner a few more times before raising his arm in a mock victory. Just hilarious.
We’ve got a dumbass wedding in a cage tonight, and a final confrontation between Roode and Storm before the PPV. A wedding in a cage between two people hardly anyone gives a tinker’s damn about? This is going to be a ratings bonanza.
Eric Young is in the locker room, checking himself out in a mirror, wearing a blue tux and Coke bottle glasses. Joseph Abyss walks in and introduces himself. Apparently, he’s an attorney, as asks Young to think about signing a pre-nup. Abyss asks where his brother Abyss has been. Young mentions something about Immortal, saying start with them. Abyss gives him his business card before telling him good luck.
The are in the ring. Chris Sabin says that, if there’s one thing he’s learned about wrestling, it’s not tMotor City Machine Gunshe size of the man that matters, but the size of his heart. Injuries have plagued the Guns, but that’s over with, and they’re looking towards the future, that being Samoa Joe and Magnus. Alex Shelley says they’ve been teaming for 6 years while Joe and Magnus have been teaming for 6 months. Joe and Magnus beat the “dynamic duo” of Crimson and Matt Morgan for the titles, two guys whose best maneuver was rubbing each other with baby oil before their matches. The Guns have competed all over the world, and they’ve beaten Beer Money and Team 3-D multiple times. At the PPV, the champs aren’t wrestling Curry Man and Shark Boy; they’re wrestling one of the best teams in the world, and that team will take the titles this Sunday.
The champs make their way out. Mike Tenay calls them “the team of the moment”, which is actually pretty insulting when you think about. Good job, “Professor”. Magnus calls the Guns one of the most impressive teams ever, and says Sabin has guts and his respect for coming back from such a serious injury. It’s not about the best team ever; it’s about the best team today, and the Guns are looking at them. At Lockdown, the two best teams on the planet will see who is the best of the best and who really deserves to be the champions. The Guns look ready, and the champs are always ready. If they don’t want to wait, they can do it right now.
Just as the two teams are about to brawl, we’re interrupted by Mexican America. Anarquia has a microphone. Someone rip his throat out now. He says that they were champions for six months, and are left out of the equation. They only have one thing left to say. They go to attack the other two teams, but both teams beat the hell out of Anarquia. Jesus, that man is worthless. Where in the name of Davey Crockett’s sweat-stained buckskins did TNA find Anarquia anyway? You’re welcome, Angry Beavers fans.
MATCH 2-Lethal Lockdown Best-of-3 Series, Part 2: Christopher Daniels vs. World X-Division Champion Austin Aries (non-title)
Garett Bischoff choosing Austin Aries for his team still doesn’t redeem his dumbass-ness, no matter how great Aries is. Lock up turns into a headlock by Aries to start. Daniels reverses into an arm wringer. Aries flips out of it and goes back to the headlock. Daniels tries for a back suplex, but Aries flips out of it and goes back to the headlock. Daniels backs Aries into the corner and hits a few shoulder thrusts before going for his own headlock. Daniels with a punch, but he runs into an armdrag from Aries. Low dropkick by Aries before he does a corner taunt. Jumping back elbow in the corner by Aries. Aries goes up top off another elbow, but Daniels hits the ropes, crotching him. An uppercut by Daniels sends Aries to the mat. Daniels with a hard corner whip, sending Aries back down to the mat. Suplex by Daniels gets 1. Daniels locks in a cobra clutch, which he turns into a backbreaker submission. Aries knees his way out, but Daniels stays on offense and pitches Aries to the floor. Daniels tries a split-legged moonsault to the floor, but Aries moves out of the way, gets in the ring and hits a suicide dive. Aries gets Daniels on the apron and slams him into the turnbuckles. Aries gets back in the ring and hits a rolling elbow. Handspring elbow drop gets 2. Aries goes for the brainbuster, but Daniels backs him into the corner. Daniels charges in, but Aries gets his legs up and turns the move into a sunset flip for 2. Daniels with a roll-up for 2. He’s got the trunks, but the referee sees it. Aries reverses and tries the same thing, but the referee also sees that. Daniels gets back up and hits a standing uranage. He goes up top for the BME, but Aries rolls out of the way. Daniels lands on his feet. Aries gets his feet up on a corner charge, goes up top and hits a missile dropkick. Corner dropkick by Aries, and he follows up with a vicious brainbuster for 3.
WINNER: Austin Aries. Aries has now tied the series 1-1. You know, if TNA could put on matches like this on a regular basis, and give us characters like Daniels and Aries that we actually care about, they might be a viable promotion. But no, that would take away too much attention from the Bischoff family and their friends.
We see the cage for the wedding being set up. Jeff Hardy is making his way down to the ring to talk. You know, setting up a cage for a wedding might just be on the list of the top five stupidest things this company has ever done. Hardy says this all started when Kurt Angle cost him the world title, and it’s all going to end inside a steel cage. There’s nowhere to run. This Sunday, we will make history. This Sunday, we’re going to hurt each other. It’s inevitable, and he loves it. CREATURES! Yes, that’s how he ended the promo. You know, if TNA wanted to give us nonsensical drivel, they could kept Scott Steiner on the payroll. At least his nonsense was funny.
We get a promo from James Storm, screaming at Bobby Roode. He’s flanked by the fatasses from last week. Apparently, Nashville is Storm’s town. Fatasses call Roode a candy ass and hope TNA will let them in the cage after the match. You know, William Shatner challenging Jerry Lawler to a fight on RAW was more believable than this crap.
We see Eric Young in a locker room, muttering to himself. Rosita and Sarita have on their best whore paint as they join him, wearing bathrobes and stockings. They’re telling him he hasn’t thought this through, as once he sticks the ring on ODB’s finger, it’s all over. They flash him some big’uns before he turns them down, saying he loves ODB. I’m guessing they’re trying to seduce him for some reason related to the Knockouts Tag Team titles, but it’s never specified here, rendering the segment completely useless. I know, I know. Eric Young in a useless segment? The hell, you say?
We’re back from commercials, and there’s a “minister” standing behind a camouflage podium, and the tag belts are in the ring on a table for absolutely no reason. Eric Young makes his way out. ODB makes her way out next to her own entrance music because, you know, that’s never been done before. ODB has a camouflage dress on. Wonderful. SoCal Val locks them in the cage. Why? They go through all the usual wedding crap you see in pretty much every wrestling wedding. Before the vows, we get a video the couple has prepared. It’s a stupid highlight video, showing all of the stupid crap that’s been done through this godforsaken angle, in case it wasn’t annoying enough for you the first time. Oh, great. They’ve prepared their own vows. Young’s involve him caring about her even when she farts. Farting=comedy. Something about her rubbing his feet. Tag partner in wrestling and life. Yada, yada, yada. This is an exercise in sadomasochism. ODB won’t take Young’s last name, but will take his ring music. Huh? Oh, and she’ll slap his ass, too. Buffet of “Bammm!” anytime he wants. She means coitus. Hilarious.
Before the minister can ask them if they’re ready to be married, Rosita and Sarita make their way down. They tried to show Young what a real woman is, but he ran away. Would he like to marry a skank, or have a taste of the best tag team in the division. Rosita then does a pathetic strip tease as Sarita is verbally getting an orgasm. Sarita, you do remember she’s supposed to be your cousin, right? Rosita says Young hasn’t grasped the opportunity he has. Sarita than does an even less sexy strip tease as ODB is crying. ODB says she doesn’t have what the “Latinas” have, but they don’t have what she has either. ODB takes her dress off, revealing her camouflage underwear. Who knew three women could make wearing next to nothing so unattractive? Young takes her hand, saying he knows what will make this wedding perfect. Take a wild guess what he does next? If you guessed stripping to his underwear and exposing us to his awesome bacne, congratulations. ODB then tells the minister to strip as the morons in the crowd are chanting “Take it off!” I never thought I could hate this company more than I do right now. They put the rings on each other, say their “I dos”, and they are now married. They proceed to dry-hump in the ring.
Backstage, we see Ric Flair yelling at Bully Ray, saying they need a win from him. Hulkamania has to end. And…that’s pretty much it.
Bully Ray vs. a mystery opponent is up next.
Wow. Outside of Anthrax, the Rockstar Mayhem Festival looks worse than ever this year.
We see Bobby Roode in the back, flanked by his “security”. He has no problem with one last face-to-face with James Storm tonight. This isn’t just business; it’s personal now, and he has no problem with personal.
MATCH 3-Lethal Lockdown Best-of-3 Series, Part 3: Bully Ray (w/Eric Bischoff, Ric Flair and Team Eric) vs. AJ Styles (w/Team Garett)
Looks like Garett himself is the final member of his team. Because he deserves to main event the biggest PPV of the year. Styles goes for a lock-up, but Ray immediately goes between the ropes. They finally lock up after about a minute, with Ray backing Styles into a corner. Ray misses a punch, allowing Styles to fire one off. Ray gets Styles in a waistlock. He gets Styles in the corner again, and they do the same sequence they just did. Styles with a kick to the ribs and a side headlock. Ray counters into a back suplex. A punch by Ray, followed by an elbow to the back of the head. Criss-cross segment, ending in a dropkick by Styles. Styles tries to clothesline Ray over the top rope, but can’t do it. Ray back drops Styles on a second attempt, but Styles lands on his feet on the apron. Ray boots him in the face, sending him to the floor. Ray pulls him back up and hip tosses him into the ring. Ray with a bearhug. Styles eventually breaks free, but runs into a back body drop. Ray tries for a splash off the ropes, but Styles rolls out of the way. Styles gets back up, and they trade several blows. Styles takes Ray down with a clothesline off the ropes, followed by a jumping corner clothesline. Styles tries for a tornado DDT, but Ray throws him off before catching him in a Samoan drop for 2. Ray goes to the middle rope. Styles quickly kips up and hits a super hurricanrana for 2. I love how Tenay said “You don’t see this very often” when Ray climbed to the middle turnbuckle, despite the fact he’s been doing it in nearly every match for the better part of 20 years. Styles bounces off the ropes, but Kazarian trips him up. This leads to a brawl between the two teams. Back in the ring, Styles hits the Pele, but only gets 2. Behind the referee’s back, Eric Bischoff throws the chain wallet to Ray. Styles comes off the ropes with the Superman, but Ray decks him with the chain. The ref turns around just in time to count the 3.
WINNER: Bully Ray. As Team Eric is celebrating, Hulk Hogan’s music hits. He makes his way to the top of the ramp and stops to congratulate Eric on the victory. However, he’s got some news for Eric. The match will now be 5 on 5 instead of 4 on 4. Hogan is going to give Eric about 3 minutes to tell him who the fifth member of Team Eric is. Hey, that’s just about enough time to get through a commercial break! What a coincidence!
Back from the break, Team Garett and Hogan are in the ring. Eric’s time is up. Flair is trying to get in the ring, but Daniels is holding him back. Eric says he knows Flair could do the job, as he also knows Hogan is the 5th member. He has a favor to ask of Flair-let Eric be the 5th man and the rest of the team do the job, so he can stand over Hogan when they finish him off. Hogan says he hates to disappoint, but he’s taking the GM position really seriously, so he won’t be in the match. He told Garett a few days ago he was going to change the number of men in the match, and Garett has an idea of who the 5th man for Team Garett is going to be. As the crowd chants “We want Sting”, Garett instead announces the 5th man is Rob Van Dam. Well, at least it was better than Nick Hogan or David Flair, who I could have easily seen TNA going with because they’re morons. I guess Nick was busy turning another close friend into a vegetable that day.
In case you haven’t figured out that you’re supposed to care about Storm/Roode at Lockdown after the countless video packages for the match, we’re treated to yet another one. The best part? TNA censors the word “ass” like it’s the most vile word on the planet, yet are perfectly fine with James Storm using the word “bullsh*t” with no censorship in this video.
MATCH 4: Knockouts Champion Gail Kim and Madison Rayne vs. Mickie James and Velvet Sky
The two ponies start things off as Rayne and James lock up. James cartwheels out, but gets knocked down. James hits a dropkick before taking a boot to the head. Kim tags in and runs into a flapjack. Sky tags in, but Kim runs back to her corner to tag Rayne back in. Rayne schoolgirls her for 2. Sky hits some chops to the chest and a snapmare as James makes the blind tag. James hits a low dropkick for 2 off the snapmare. Kim clubs her from behind, allowing Rayne to get 2. Kim tags back in and hits some European uppercuts. Jumping clothesline off the ropes gets 2. Rayne back in, and they hit a double corner whip. Kim whips Rayne into James in the corner, which connects. However, when Rayne does it to Kim, James moves out of the way, sending Kim into the ring post and to the floor. Sky tags in, and somehow, Kim falling to the floor made her the legal woman for her team. Sky whips her down after she gets back in the ring. Back elbow and shoulderblock by Sky. Sky has been watching Kelly Kelly too much, as she hits a screaming headscissors. Sky hits a bulldog for 2, but the pin is broken up by Rayne. Sky hits a weak DDT on Rayne. Kim tries to run, but James throws her back in the ring. Sky goes for In Yo Face, but Kim shoves her off. Kim tries for Eat Defeat, but Sky counters into In Yo Face for 3.
WINNERS: Mickie James and Velvet Sky.
The Storm/Roode confrontation is next, because this show needed more talking tonight.
End of show.
Roode’s half of the closing promo was good. Aries/Daniels was awesome. Everything else was like someone twisted your head off and spiked it on the floor of a nightmare you can’t even imagine (RIP Chris Farley).
As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx, and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:
Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.