Welcome back everyone, to the televised train wreck we all know as Impact Wrestling. We start the show with Blubber Ray, Top Gun and Johnny Bravo in the ring. Bully Ray is calling out Mr. Anderson to the ring right now, but first, we have to deal with Anderson’s stupid microphone shtick first.
You know, I’m glad TNA did away with the Jeff Hardy title belt, but the replacement looks like one of those plastic replicas you get in the toy aisle at Target. Ray calls Anderson a jag-off and tells him to shut up for once a life, and threatens Anderson’s life by sicking Gunner on him.
Ooh. Apparently, Hogan is off for the night, so that somehow leaves Blubber Ray in charge. He tells Anderson he can’t beat Sting, and Anderson needs Immortal as much as Immortal needs him. Not at all? Ray then offers to sell the Brooklyn Bridge that he doesn’t own. Ooh! Steiner promo now. Steiner accuses Anderson of screwing Hogan around, but now that Steiner’s here, he’s going to do the screwing (his words, not mine), and if Anderson’s against Immortal, he’s got to deal with Steiner. Gunner begins to talk, and I begin to focus on drinking water instead. Gunner tells Anderson he needs to make a decision by the end of the night, or he will never see the light of day again.
The lights go out, and Sting Ledger is up in the rafters, going full-bore with The Dark Knight facepaint. Lights back on and Angle’s in the ring giving Angle Slams to Steiner and Gunner. Tonight’s main event will be Sting and Angle vs. Abyss, Blubber, Tom Cruise and Donny Osmond (Johnny Bravo fans know what I’m talking about). Kurt Angle basically lays down the opposite ultimatum to Anderson that Gunner did.
In the BFG series, we learn that Devon, RVD, Blubber and Crimson all picked up 7 points each. Crimson is once again in the lead.
MATCH #1-BFG Series Match: I.R. Baboon vs. TNA World Tag Team Co-Champion Bobby Roode
Does Roode even stand a chance in this match? Not really, no. Crimson is undefeated, and despite being greener than lettuce, is get a massively undeserved push. Shoulderblock by Crimson on Roode’s bad shoulders. Into the corner by Crimson with shoulder thrusts. Roode responds with the exact same move. Honor roll by Roode gets 2. Crimson tries for a powerslam, but drops Roode throat first on the top rope instead, followed by a Warrior-esque jumping shoulderblock. Falcon Arrow from the apron gets 2 for Crimson, with a swinging neckbreaker for another 2. T-Bone suplex by Crimson for yet another near fall. Crimson eats an elbow off a corner whip, followed by a boot, and a blockbuster from the middle rope. Roode, to his credit, is selling the hell out of his shoulder. Roode hits the Double R spinebuster (ugh) for 2. Crimson counters the Payoff into a schoolboy, which Roode escapes out of into a fujiwara, but Crimson’s too close to the ropes. Crimson goes for the sky-high, Roode rolls out, but Crimson still ends up hitting it for 3. Apparently, he’s calling the move “Red Sky” now.
Winner: I Am Weasel. I’m not really impressed with either of these guys, but I know that they are not going anywhere since they and Gunner are being groomed for the top three spots in the company. Crimson now has 31 points.
We get a look at Anthony Nese, one of the wrestlers in the X-Division tournament match tonight. Never heard of him.
Abyss is going nuts looking for his mask, while we see Brian Kendrick wearing it for some reason. Them feuding over a title belt that Abyss undeservedly holds wasn’t enough; now they’re fighting over his stupid mask.
A look at the second X-Division wrestler in tonight’s tourney match, this being Jack Evans. For those that don’t know, Evans is one of the best high flyers in the world. That means he will probably be hired and then misused rather quickly, going by TN-Impact Wrestling’s shining track record.
Kendrick’s in the ring with Abyss’ mask, and says he intends to give it back, as he just wants to share his thoughts with Abyss. I really hate this pseudo-spiritual gimmick by Kendrick. Abyss comes out to his very generic music, hiding his face with a towel. Can’t blame him. Have you ever seen Chris Park’s face? Kendrick begins quoting philosophers who talked about God. Basically, Kendrick’s promo is about how he wants to reignite the X-Division. He also claims that deep down, Abyss knows he needs to get rid of his mask and become a man. He gives Abyss the mask back, and to show gratitude, Abyss begins kicking the crap out of Kendrick. God, Kendrick’s got those stupid shoes on with the toes already molded. I just lost a lot of respect for him. Abyss whips Kendrick into the stairs and guardrail, then throws him back in the ring. Kendrick’s trying to fight back, but with no luck. Kendrick takes the Shock Treatment and the Black Hole Slam before Abyss leaves the ring.
Jesse Sorenson is the third man in the X-Division match tonight. Again, I’ve never heard of this guy.
MATCH #2-X-Division Series Qualifying Round-Jesse Sorenson vs. Anthony Nese vs. Jack Evans
Evans is the only one who gets an entrance. I’m rooting for Evans, not only because I’ve heard of him and he’s awesome, but because he’s another hometown boy. Nese throws Evans out of the ring, while Sorenson gets a rollup on Nese for 2. Nese eats a kick from Evans and a dropkick from Sorenson. Evans hits a series of flips, leading to a flipping dropkick. Evans is hard to keep track of. Nese gets 2 with a clothesline on Evans. Nese up top, but gets a kick from Sorenson, who pins Evans for another 2. Sorenson hits a somersault plancha onto Nese on the outside. Evans shows him up with a springboard 450 splash on both men. All three back in the ring, and Evans gets a nearfall on each guy. Evans eats a couple of knees in the corner from Nese for 2. Sorenson hits in inverted swinging neckbreaker on Evans for another 2, and Evans takes the sickest looking bumps. Nese with a flapjack and German suplex on Sorenson for 2, but Evans breaks that up with a standing moonsault. Sorenson puts Evans on the top rope and is looking for a superplex, but Evans just throws him to the outside. Nese tries as well, but Evans turns it into a super gourdbuster. Evans hits the 630 splash, and this one’s over.
We see the British Invasion in the back (along with Big Roid), talking about how Non-Mexican America won’t be attacking them again. Magnus basically says they’re a rip-off the British Invasion (true). Williams is complaining about how he’s not being featured at TNA Destination X, so he will be issuing an open challenge at the show.
There will be an “Ultimate X” match at the PPV featuring Shannon Moore, Robbie E, The Amazing Red and Alex Shelley, with the winner being the new #1 contender to the X-Division title. If Shannon Moore and Robbie were replaced by two other people, this could be a good match. Oh, well. At least I got to see Cookie tonight (only for a few seconds, though).
Velvet Sky is saying that she’s done being a target for the other knockouts. Apparently, she is smart. At least, that’s what she says. There was really nothing else to this promo. For as hot as Velvet is, she comes off about as sharp as marbles.
My feed cut out due to weather, so when the show comes back on, Sting is in the locker room with Kurt Angle rambling incoherently.
MATCH #3-Knockouts Handicap Match: Jackie and ODB vs. Velvet Sky (If Jackie and ODB lose, they are gone from Impact)
Do I really have to recap this Botchamania moment waiting to happen? O.D.B. is mocking Velvet’s entrance. Velvet comes out through the crowd and hits both of them with a chair. Match starts with Velvet and ODB. Chops to ODB’s chest, which is pretty pointless. More chops in the corner, and a kick to the butt. Corner clothesline and another kick to the butt. Sigh. Another clothesline and a bulldog, but Jackie comes in and clocks Velvet in the head. This match is about as exciting as you’d expect. Not much to report on. Velvet with another clothesline and a bodyslam, but ODB breaks up a pin attempt. Man, there’s some varied offense in here! ODB throws Velvet in the corner, but misses a knee. Velvet continues with the chops and butt kicks. Jackie comes in with more forearm shots punches and kicks. ODB in again, and she varies the offense with…forearms and kicks. The two miss a double-team back body drop when Velvet kicks both of them, and now she’s hitting…kicks and forearms. I’m so tired now. ODB brings in a chair, but accidentally clocks Jackie with it. Velvet kicks the chair into ODB’s knee, and Velvet gets her oh-so creative standard DDT finisher on Jackie for the 3.
WINNER: Velvet Sky. Jackie and ODB are gone, at least until next week. This match sucked, pure and simple.
In the back, a weird segment with Devon and D’Angelo Dinero. Pope’s sucking up to Devon, and Devon isn’t having any of it. I still don’t understand this angle.
The four-way X-Division match is next. We get a highlight video of A.J. Styles and Daniels training together in a gym. Daniels begins listing off all of his injuries. I love Daniels and all, but if these injuries are true, it’s probably not the best thing for him to continue wrestling.
MATCH #4-Four-Way Match: A.J. Styles vs. Christopher Daniels vs. Jerry Lynn vs. Rob Van Dam
Four-ways are even harder to recap than three-ways, so bear with me. This will feature tag rules, so maybe that will make it easier. Lynn and Daniels lock up, and Lynn looks like he’s recovered from his back injury very well. A leg lariat by Daniels gets 2, and Lynn answers with a head scissors. Styles in now. Lynn and Styles trade holds and a couple of Japanese arm drags, and we get an “indy clap”. Styles tags in RVD. They do a series you’ve seen in every one of their ECW matches, followed by more “indy claps”. Daniels tags in and gets an STO on RVD. RVD catches a rolling kick and a standing moonsault, but botches Rolling Thunder for 2. Daniels tries for a springboard but gets a kick to the midsection. Styles tags in of Daniels while Lynn tags off RVD and catches an enziguri. Styles gets tripped up top and a super hurricanrana by Lynn. Daniels tags in and hits a weird stomp on Lynn for 2. Styles hits the Superman on RVD and tries for the backflip inverted DDT on Lynn, but Lynn suplexes him out of the ring. Daniels hits a standing Uranage on Lynn, but misses the Best Moonsault Ever. Lynn blocks the Angel’s Wings and drops Daniels with an emerald flowsion. RVD is up top, hits the Five-Star Frog Splash on Daniels and gets the 3.
WINNER: Rob Van Dam. Good match, but it felt incredibly rushed. I don’t think they even got 10 minutes to wrestle.
Eric Young is standing by an RV that he supposedly owns. He calls himself the Television champion and a huge star. The second part is questionable. He then mutters something about Hollywood. Pointless segment.
MATCH #5-BFG Series Match: Matt Morgan and TNA World Tag Team Co-Champion James Storm vs. Devon and D’Angelo Dinero
Another match already? I am shocked. Out of these 4, Pope is the only one with no points on the board. Remember a few months ago when Dinero said he was quitting TNA? Neither does he or TNA. We learn that, once again, only the wrestler who gets the fall gets the points. Devon takes a kick and a shoulder from Storm for 2. Arm wringer by Storm gets reversed and Morgan tags in. I don’t care about the “Impact Fantasy Game at all”. Morgan with a bodyslam and a Hogan legdrop for 2. Stupid Morgan; only Hogan gets 3 on that. Storm tags himself in but takes a spinning back elbow, a bodyslam and a jumping headbutt for 2. Devon tags in Pope, who takes a hip toss and immediately tags back out. Storm gets a hooking clothesline and tags M-M-M-M-organ back in. He does his stupid back elbows in the corner, hits an avalanche and sidewalk slam for 2. Storm back in, but Devon hits a second rope shoulder block. Guess he also read Warrior’s book about loading spaceships with rocket fuel. Pope’s back in off the hot, hot, HOT tag, gets off the typical hot tag moves before Storm gets a lungblower for 2. Morgan and Storm begin fighting about who gets the points. Devon and Morgan both go outside, and Morgan’s selling a knee injury all of a sudden. Pope clocks Storm with the tag title belt and tags Devon in, instead of going for the pin. Devon gets the 3, and Pope made himself the dumbest wrestler of the night (thus far, anyway).
Winner: Devon and D’Angelo Dinero. Devon gets another 7 points and, oddly enough, is now in 3rd place in the series.
Anderson is in the back saying people shouldn’t talk to him like he’s 2 because he’s grown (despite the childish promo). He mentions some nonsense about his former employer, and then we go to commercial. Seriously, what is Anderson’s appeal?
We get another promo with Mr. and Mrs. Diet Shasta Orange, and they are in Arena Mexico, continuing to piss off an entire nation. Supposedly, the day they come back is “Big Daddy” Shasta’s birthday, and Mrs. Failed Stripper says she has a gift for every member of Immortal. Jeff Jarrett also says he will have a surprise of his own, showing everyone why he’s the “King of Mexico”. His words (hint: he won AAA’s Mega Championship-their version of the world title-from El Zorro).
The stills TNA uses to hype PPV matches make everyone look like lepers.
Sting is in the locker room taking really, REALLY fake punches (complete with *thump* sound) from the Orange Menace, egging him on the entire time. He then takes a not-even-close-to-connecting bat shot to the head. Hogan then says Sting crossed the wrong senior citizen.
Sting is not coming to the ring after that VICIOUS worse-than-stage-combat beat down from Brooke Hogan. Steiner starts the match for Del Boca Vista, but takes a belly-to-belly suplex for 2. Blubber Ray is in, and very viciously rips Kurt Angle’s pre-cut shirt off, followed by a neckbreaker for 2. Ray was screaming something about Mexico during this move. He goes for the Bully Bomb, but Angle reverses into a German. Anthony Edwards is in now, and he takes a snap suplex for 2. Now it’s time for Prince Justice to come in (look it up). He tries for a chokeslam, but Angle rolls through into an ankle lock. Bully Ray “flies in” (Tenay’s words) to break it up. Steiner is back in, and hits the spinning belly-to-belly for 2. Gunner’s back in now (worst main event name ever), and he’s hitting your generic heel offense. Abyss back in with a bodyslam, and now we get Ray in with the chain. As he goes to hit Angle, Battle Dome Champion Michael O’Dell comes down to the ring, distracting Ray long enough to eat an Angle Slam. Anderson is on the corner now, asking for a tag. Apparently, he’s now in this match, logic and rules be DAMNED. He tags in, goes to give Ray the Mic Check, but gives it to Angle instead. He then throws Angle out, tags him in, and Ray pins Angle for 3.
WINNER: Phase 2 of the Pines at Clark Gables. Totally pointless match.
The heels surround Angle, asking what Anderson’s going to do, and he jumps into Abyss’ arms. Didn’t they already do almost this EXACT SAME THING a few months ago? The heels hold Anderson up as Hogan hobbles to the ring, clapping. I guess Anderson is in Immortal now (again, at least until next week). End of show.
This show was much better than Impact has been in a long time. That’s still like saying that you’d rather take a punch to the face than a kick to the testicles, but nonetheless. The X-Division matches weren’t bad, but considering the talent in the four-way, it should have been a much longer match.
Full TNA Impact Wrestling July 7 Results
Crimson defeated Robert Roode – Bound For Glory Series Match
Jack Evans defeated Jesse Sorenson and Tony Nese – TNA Destination X Qualifier Match
Velvet Sky defeated ODB and Jackie – 2 on 1 Handicap Match
Rob van Dam and Jerry Lynn defeated Christopher Daniels and AJ Styles
Devon and The Pope defeated James Storm and Matt Morgan – Bound For Glory Series Match
Gunner, Bully Ray, Abyss and Scott Steiner defeated Kurt Angle & Sting
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