TNA Impact Wrestling starts off with Aces and Eights riding their bikes into the Impact Zone. Six of them make their way into the arena through the crowd and get in the ring. One of them points to the big screen, and Black Scorpion appears in the clubhouse with the remainder of the group. He calls what’s in the ring a beautiful site. Mr. Hogan, you’re a great chess player, but we’re better.
Last Sunday, we beat you at your own game, and we’ve got one man to thank for that. The president wants to personally thank him, and he’s a full member of the gang now. He’s talking about Devon, who was revealed as a member of the group at BFG. Devon makes his way to the ring, hugging each member of the group in the process. He tells the crowd to shut the hell up. Of course, a “You sold out” chant starts. Devon says A and E are the guys who have had his back since day 1. These are the guy who, when he was down and out, were there to pick him up. He calls the fans no-good, inbred pieces of crap. Why did he do it? Because he can. He thanks the group. Without them, he wouldn’t be here to testify. If it wasn’t for the guy who “patched him in”, he wouldn’t be here. This is the group that will destroy TNA. Let’s cut to the chase-Bubba, Sting and Hogan, you asked why? Bubba, did you honestly think he forgot when you cheap-shotted (?) him two years ago? Payback’s a biyatch, isn’t it?
On this note, Sting, AJ Styles, Bully Ray, James Storm, Mr. Anderson, Samoa Joe, Kurt Angle, Chavo Guerrero, Garett Bischoff and Hernandez make their way onto the stage. Sting tells A and E congratulations for getting into the Impact Zone. It’s now time for some formal introductions. He wants to introduce A and E to the TNA roster. The TNA guys charge the ring, and a brawl breaks out. The TNA guys are dominating when Hulk Hogan’s music hits. TNA clears the ring as Hogan makes his way down, bat in hand. Commercials.
Back from the break, Hogan is calling for A and E to come back out here and finish this. They start to, but Devon holds them back. Hogan says it doesn’t work this way. At BFG, A and E got full access to TNA. That means they’ve gotta fight. Sting tells Devon he wants to fight him tonight. Hogan tells Devon he either fights Sting tonight or get out for good. Devon agrees to the match, and if Sting doesn’t show up, they’ll take Sting out for good.
Later tonight, we get a party for the new World Heavyweight Champion (ugh), Jeff Hardy.
We see Austin Aries in the back. He says it won’t be a party without him, so he’s going to come to liven things up.
MATCH 1-World Television Championship: Robbie E (w/Robbie T) vs. Samoa Joe (Champion)
How many frigging title matches is E going to get? Joe immediately drops E with a back elbow before firing off some rights. Corner whip, hip bump and jumping spin kick by Joe. Joe hits a snapmare, setting E up for the back chop/kick to the chest combo, which he follows up with a jumping kneedrop for 2. E tries to fight back, but Joe shrugs him off and drops him with a knife-edge chop. Joe sets E up for the Muscle Buster, but T holds Joe’s foot. E tries to fight back with chops once again, so Joe drops him with another knife-edge. Joe ducks a clothesline and hits a suicide dive on T on the outside. E tries for a double axe handle off the apron, and Joe catches him in the gut with a kick. Back in the ring, Joe hits the Muscle Buster before locking in the Kokina Clutch for the submission.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Samoa Joe. T tries to attack Joe after the match, so Joe slaps the Clutch on him as well.
Jesse Godderz is doing a photo shoot in the back, pressing Tara over his head. They tell the camera man to get lost. Tara rambles on about celebrities before calling her and Jessie the hottest couple on the planet.
MATCH 2: Knockouts Champion Tara (w/Jesse) vs. Knockouts Tag Team Co-Champion ODB (non-title)
Nothing quite as lovely as seeing a woman feed a guy ABC gum. Before ODB comes out, we see her on the phone with Eric Young, wondering where he is. ODB immediately nails Tara with some forearms before shouldering her down. ODB with a powerslam. She grabs her phone, as apparently Young is still on the line. Jesse is on the apron, so ODB forces him to motorboat her. Tara forearms her from behind before basically throwing her by the hair. Hair whip by Tara, followed by a punt to the ribs and another forearm. Another hair whip by Tara, and she proceeds to go to Jesse for kissy faces. Yes, really. ODB takes this moment to take a pull from her flask before avalanching Tara from behind. She picks Tara up in a fireman’s carry before spitting her booze in Jesse’s face. ODB hits the Bammm! and gets the 3.
WINNER: ODB. Miss Tessmacher is seen on the stage after the match, applauding. She gets her rematch with Tara next week.
AJ Styles is telling Kurt Angle in the back that he enjoyed being in a tag team with Angle, but he needs to be on his own. He wants to be World Champion just like Angle does. Angle understands, but reminds AJ it’s him vs. AJ vs. Daniels in a triple threat for a potential World title match next week.
Outside the arena, A and E are partying.
MATCH 3: Gunner and Kid Kash vs. World Tag Team Champions Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez (non-title)
You know, Chavo and Hernandez’s music is generic even for a porn. And I should know, having watched thousands of them. The heels throw Chavo to the floor and begin double-teaming Hernandez. Hernandez breaks through a double clothesline and hits one of his own. Gorilla press on Kash before tagging in Chavo. Hernandez hits a snapmare, and Chavo follows up with a dropkick to the back for 1. Hernandez tags in and catches Kash in a bearhug, which he turns into an overhead belly-to-belly. Surprised Kurt Angle isn’t accusing him of stealing a move on Twitter. Kash bites Hernandez before Gunner tags himself in. Gunner telegraphs a back body drop and gets hit with a bodyslam. Chavo tags in and lands a tope con hilo for 1. Don’t you just “love” how his entire moveset is lifted from his dead uncle? And he wonders why he’s never really gotten over. Anyway, Gunner fights back and tags in Kash, who hits Chavo with some chops and kicks. 3 spots get botched back-to-back-to-back, with third being a botched apron clothesline by Gunner behind the ref’s back. Gunner tags in and stomps Chavo. Kash tags back in, and the heels hit some forearms. So far, all I’ve seen out of these two tonight are punches and kicks. Gunner back in, and more stomping. Kash finally hits an actual move with a snapmare, and follows it up with more kicks for 1. Chavo hits a European uppercut before botching an enziguri. Hernandez tags in and drops Kash with a slingshot shoulderblock. Polish Hammer on Kash, and a clothesline for Gunner. He Pounces Kash before tagging in Chavo, who hits a cross-body for the 3.
WINNERS: Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez.
Jeff Hardy has entered the building. Woo-hoo.
We see Joe Abyss with Hogan and Sting in Hogan’s office. He says he stood by them, so they need to stand by him. He wants one of them in a fight. Bully Ray enters and wants to talk. He thanks Sting for letting him fight at BFG. He says Devon’s his brother and knows him better than anyone. But no one knows why he did what he did. He asks Hogan to take Sting out of the match tonight and put him in. Hogan says Sting will take care of Devon. Ray needs to get ready, as he’s one of the four men Hogan will pick for a title match next week. Ray tells Hogan to trust him more before storming off. Sting decides to chase him down to talk a little bit more.
Jeff Hardy makes his way out for his party. Is it just me, or does every time Hardy get a new entrance theme in TNA, it sucks worse than the last one? And of course, Hardy has a brand new, horrible custom title belt, and he’s back in his “Immortal” suit and tie. I’d love to know TNA’s confetti budget for the year. Lots of booing from the crowd, which is nice to hear for a change. He’s been chasing this moment for over a year, and the fans have always been with him. Thank you, creatures. He can’t wait to defend his title next week for the first time, which prompts Austin Aries to make his way out, singing “Celebration”. He’s carrying a plate of cookies and some balloons. He doesn’t want to take away anything Hardy did at BFG, because he did something no one else has been able to do, and that’s beat Austin Aries at a PPV. He’s the new champion, so Aries brought him some gifts. Hardy lets the balloons fly up into the ceiling before slapping away the tray of cookies. Aries tells him he has a girlish figure before pointing out that Hardy’s new belt isn’t his. Hardy is now the target and has all of the pressure, something not everyone can handle. Aries says he can invoke his rematch clause anytime he wants, but first, he’s going to let Hardy crumble under the pressure, and pick his moment to win the title back. He asks to look at the new belt. Not only is Hardy the face of the company, he’s got his face on the title, for Christ’s sake (Aries’ words). Aries says it’s the spitting image of Hardy, which leads to him hocking a massive loogie on it. Hardy decks Aries and goes for the Twist, but Aries escapes to the floor.
Christopher Daniels is talking to AI about tonight’s triple threat. The Appletini is always half-full. He knows what Hulk is thinking, and he’s going to show him that he’s the next guy to be champion when he beats Angle and AJ next.
MATCH 3-Triple Threat Match, with the winner being considered for a possible title match next week: AJ Styles vs. Christopher Daniels vs. Kurt Angle
Why does Daniels have “REBEL” written on his chest? The faces take turns punching Daniels before hitting a double back elbow. AJ with a back suplex on Daniels. Short-arm clothesline by Angle. AJ goes for the Styles Clash, but Angle shoves him off. Angle gets a waistlock on AJ before firing off some punches. Crisscross ends in an AJ dropkick. AJ hits some corner shoulder thrusts on Angle, which allows Daniels to club him from behind. AJ whips Daniels into Angle, who hits a clothesline out of the corner. Angle blocks a suplex by AJ, who in turn blocks a German by Angle. AJ comes off the ropes and is hit with a back body drop. Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker on Daniels, followed by an overhead belly-to-belly on AJ, and a release German suplex on Daniels. AJ catches Angle with a Ghetto Blaster and sets up for the Clash. Angle backdrops him off, but AJ holds on and rolls through into a sunset flip. Angle continues rolling and turns it into an ankle lock. Daniels breaks the hold with a punch before sending Angle shoulder-first into the ring post, which causes him to fall to the floor. STO on AJ gets 2. Daniels hits his version of Nightmare on Helms Street (which I haven’t seen since about 1998, several years before Shane Helms started doing it, BTW) for 2. He locks AJ in a rear chinlock/armbar combo, which AJ fights out of. Daniels ducks a clothesline, but runs into one by Angle, who just re-entered the ring. AJ knocks Angle down with a forearm before clotheslining Daniels. Fireman’s carry backbreaker for Daniels, and a jumping corner clothesline for Angle. AJ hits Superman on Angle for 2. Daniels with a blue thunder bomb on AJ for 2. Angle blocks a clothesline by Daniels and hits a t-bone suplex. AJ ducks an Angle clothesline and hits the Pele. AJ goes to the apron, where he backdrops Daniels to the floor. He hits an Asai moonsault on Daniels before throwing him back in the ring. AJ looks like he might have tweaked his knee. Angle throws Daniels into AJ, who is still on the apron, knocking him to the floor. Angle Slam for Daniels, and this one’s over.
WINNER AND MOVING ONTO NEXT WEEK: Kurt Angle. Angle offers a handshake to AJ after the match, but AJ blows him off.
In the back, Hogan is stopped by Joey Ryan and Matt Morgan. Hogan says he’s a fan of Ryan, and tells him to turn his 87% to 97%. He then asks Morgan what his deal is. Morgan calls him “Terry” (ooh, insider). Morgan goes back to Hogan’s first day, when he said he’d make Morgan the face of the company. Hogan says he’s always fought for Morgan, and when TNA said he had no charisma, there was nothing Hogan could do. Morgan tells Hogan he’s going to take all those things everyone’s saying about him and shove them straight up Hogan’s ass. After Morgan and Ryan walk away, Hogan laughs.
James Storm has entered the building. He’ll be talking next. Yay.
Storm makes his way out, and says he was taught “what goes around, comes around” a long time ago. It’s been one year. Last year after BFG, he became World Champion. This year, he and Roode kicked the crap out of each other. For every ounce of blood he spilled, he kept getting back up. When he came back, he made a list. 10-kick the crap out of Bobby Roode. Check. 9-2-drink beer. Check. 1-win the World title. Next Thursday, he’s one of four guys who will be considered for the World title match. Hogan, if you’re listening…
Bobby Roode interrupts, limping his way out to the ring. He gets in the ring and tells Storm they made good on a promise. They promised the world they’d give everything they had at BFG, leaving everything in the ring. When it was all said and done, the two of them had one of the bloodiest battles in the history of the wrestling business (Yeah, no). Storm asks for a chair, because it’s easier for him to sit down for an ass kissing. Roode isn’t kissing ass, and if anyone’s going to do that, Storm should kiss his. It took Storm a full year to finally beat Roode, and that Storm needs Roode to have a career. He carried Storm in Beer Money, and last year, he became champion because of Roode. Without him, Storm never would have been champion. Despite the loss on Sunday, Storm knows deep down that Roode will always be the better man. Storm knocks him out with a Last Call before saying his god-awful catchphrase.
Up next, Devon/Sting.
MATCH 4: Devon vs. Sting
Devon begins by punching Sting as he gets in the ring. Sting comes back with a clothesline, a back elbow and a flapjack. Sting misses the Stinger Splash, but stops before hitting the turnbuckles. He drops Devon with a back elbow before throwing him into a couple corners. Sting botches a clothesline over the top rope, so he throws Devon to the floor instead. Commercials.
Back from the break, Devon is in control once again. During the break, Sting hit Devon with a chair right in front of the referee, yet the match continues. In the ring, the two trade punches, with Devon dominating. Rope choke by Devon, and a right takes Sting down. More punches, and Devon goes to the floor to rope-choke Sting inside the ring. Devon varies his offense by switching to stomps. Back to the punches. Jumping headbutt off the ropes gets 2. Devon applies a rear chinlock now, which Sting fights out of. He runs right into a spinning back elbow, however. Devon hits a jawbreaker before going back to the punches. He goes to the middle rope for a headbutt, but misses. Sting hits some punches and a jumping clothesline. Stinger Splash to the back, and the Scorpion Death Drop follows. Scorpion death lock is applied, but before Devon can tap, seven members of A and E hit the ring and attack Sting.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Sting. The attack continues until the same TNA guys from earlier hit the ring, resulting in another brawl. Eventually, Bully Ray clears the ring with a baseball bat.
End of show.
As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx, and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:
Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.
[amazon_link id=”B008WAM2N8″ target=”_blank” container=”” container_class=”” ]WWE Attitude Era DVD[/amazon_link]
[amazon_link id=”B008IG0ESG” target=”_blank” container=”” container_class=”” ]WWE: CM Punk Best in the World DVD[/amazon_link]