This week’s Impact is a special “Thanksgiving Throw-Away” episode, where nothing of any importance will happen. Wait…how is this different than most other recent episodes of Impact?
This episode opens up with a close-up of a casket, with Mr. Anderson doing voice-over work, saying he will give a proper burial to Aces and Eights.
The main event will be Kurt Angle and three partners vs. Bobby Roode and three partners in an 8-man tag team elimination match. But before all of that, we are once again “treated” to Dixie Carter making her way down to the ring. She says things have been going so amazing for her lately. She has been so busy, she has hired a chief-of-staff. She has been interviewing for weeks, and while some of them had great attributes, only one of them had a very special one. This person is British, and the British know how to treat royalty. Plus, the accent is so stinking cute. She then introduces her new chief…Rockstar F**king Spud.
EC3 makes his way out. As much as I hate this gimmick, I have to admit he probably has the catchiest entrance theme on the roster. He says that aunt Dee has given him the opportunity to fly tonight’s opponent in. This guy used to run roughshod over the roster, and this will be his toughest opponent to-date. He is undefeated, and some say unbeatable. Why? Because he’s a Carter, and the world needs them.
MATCH 1: Ethan Carter III vs. Curry Man
Poor Christopher Daniels. Not because he has to wrestle as Curry Man-this gimmick’s great. No, because he has to job to Carter here. Before the bell, Curry says he’s happy to be back here before saying something in Japanese. Carter nails him from behind, then we get the opening bell. Carter hits a bodyslam, follows up with a snapmare, then slams Curry’s face into the mat several times. Carter then stomps Curry down, but Curry fights back with rights and chops. Carter comes back with a back body drop, then begins peppering Curry in the side of the head. He tries to make Curry humble as a “You can’t wrestle!” chant breaks out. Back up, Curry gets sent to the corner before getting hit with a corner clothesline and a back suplex. Curry blocks a back body drop attempt, hits a forearm and a dropkick. He hits a few more forearms before getting sent into the corner. He avoids a charge, boxes Carter’s ears, then struts before hitting a running hip bump. Up top, Carter cuts him off and armdrags him back to the mat. He follows up with a short-arm clothesline as this crowd is completely dead. He calls for the One-Percenter, which connects for the 3-count.
WINNER: Ethan Carter III. In case we didn’t hear his dumbass catchphrase the first time tonight, Carter says it again.
We see Kurt Angle in the back with Gunner. He thanks Gunner and James Storm for agreeing to team with him tonight, then tells him to take out Bobby Roode if he gets in the way. Storm enters the room and says he will stand side-by-side with them, regardless of his current issues with Gunner. Gunner says he did what he did last week because he thought it was right. Storm says, “Right” and leaves.
We see the Bromans in the back, now with their own personal deejay, Zema Ion. F*CK! Eric Young and ODB enter the area, and EY is carrying the turkey suit. DOUBLE F*CK! Robbie E says he won’t do that again this year, and EY says there are actually two turkey suits. This year’s “Turkey Bowl” will be the Bro-Mans wrestling Dewey Barnes and Norv Fernum, with the losers wearing the costumes. TRIPLE F*CK! E says something about them doing the turkey dance, then does it. Jesse starts doing it as well, then EY joins in.
I hate everything about this show, and I’m not even at the halfway point yet.
MATCH 2: Velvet Sky vs. Lei’D Tapa (w/Knockouts Champion Gail Kim)
The two lock up, and Tapa shoves Sky into the corner. They try it again, and Sky gets knocked to the mat. She ducks a clothesline and hits a few kicks before going for a DDT. Tapa blocks it, picks Sky up and rams her into the opposite corner. Sky avoids a double axe handle in the corner, then jumps on Tapa’s back with a scissored sleeper. Tapa snapmares her off before missing a running boot in the corner. Sky hits a few kicks to the gut before getting tripped by Kim. The ref sees it and ejects Kim from ringside. Back to the match, Tapa nails a running shoulderblock, then begins stomping Sky before slamming the back of Sky’s head repeatedly into the mat. Sky gets sent into the buckles, then the ones on the opposite side before getting dropped with a running hip bump. Tapa pulls her up by the chin, then lifts her up in a double choke. Sky knees Tapa in the gut to break the hold, then starts kicking her in the leg and ribs. Tapa shakes the kicks off and hits a big boot off the ropes. She goozles Sky, then picks her up in a fireman’s carry and hits a Godsmack for 3.
WINNER: Lei’D Tapa. Wow, does this chick suck. That match was awful, and sadly, it wasn’t even Sky’s fault this time.
We see some footage for the upcoming A and E funeral, which looks exactly like the Team 3-D funeral from several years ago. This is immediately followed by a video for the history of the “Turkey Bowl”.
MATCH 3-Turkey Bowl 2013: World Tag Team Champions the Bromans (Jesse and Robbie E, w/Zema Ion) vs. Dewey Barnes and Norv Fernum (non-title)
Just when I thought the Bromans gimmick couldn’t get any worse. Oh, and I had almost forgotten they were the tag champs, thanks to TNA ignoring those belts almost as much as they ignore the TV title. Before the match, E asks if this is a joke, bro. Fernum looks like a hairless hamster, bro. Jesse then says the joke is over. Look at them, then look at Barnes and Fernum. The Bromans are the World Tag Team Champions. Barnes and Fernum are nothing. Barnes gets slapped as Ion keeps making air horn sound effects. E starts say something else, but then the Bromans get decked and simultaneously rolled up in schoolboys for 2. The champs come back and throw Barnes to the floor before hitting Fernum with the Bro-Down, a version of the Hart Attack, for 3.
WINNERS: The Bromans. Ion continues with the airhorn as I wish for someone to come out and stab him. After the match, E orders Barnes and Fernum to put the suits on as he repeatedly makes turkey noises. The two put the suits on as E orders them to dance like turkeys. Some music plays, and the two dance to the delight of absolutely no one. This is actually worse than the Gobbledygooker. Eric Young enters the ring, along with ODB, for absolutely no reason.
We get another “Friends of AJ” video, only this one features nothing but a bunch of footage from the previous videos. After the video, we see Dixie Carter flipping out in the production area. She orders a cameraman over and tells AJ that this is over. She gave that belt to AJ as a toy, not something defend around the world. There’s two things AJ doesn’t know about Dixie: she has a lot of shoes and a lot of lawyers. Those lawyers will shut him down, and he has one week to return the belt or face the consequences.
Bobby Roode is with Bad Influence and Chris Sabin. He calls Sabin the greatest X-Division Champion of all time (yep, he’s still champion), BI the best tag team in the business, and then reminds us he beat Kurt Angle twice in a row. He then talks about last week. Kazarian then talks about Thanksgiving before saying Joseph Park drug-tested positive for gravy a few months ago. Roode interrupts and says he loves jokes, but tonight is serious business.
Rockstar Spud is with some woman, ordering tonight’s Thanksgiving dinner. He lists off a bunch of English dishes, and the woman then lists off traditional Thanksgiving dishes. Spud then tells her to get that stuff before mumbling something about “bloody Yanks”.
We see Kurt Angle sitting in the locker room with Magnus. He thanks Magnus for teaming with him tonight, and Magnus says it’s no problem. The Mafia might be gone, but his respect for Angle is not. He’s got Angle next week, and that’s going to be big. Angle says they’ll beat the hell out of each other, and he’s positive one of them will become World Champion. Magnus says that’s next week, but for now, they need to focus on taking Bobby Roode out tonight.
A video is shown, recapping the end of Aces and Eights as a result of Mr. Anderson’s victory over Bully Ray last week. This segues into the funeral segment we were promised at the top of the show. We see Magnus texting in the pews, Kurt Angle laughing, and Samoa Joe eating. Mike Tenay is wearing sunglasses, and Eric Young is crying. The minister asks for anyone to come up and say a few kind words. No one responds, and Mr. Anderson sits up in the casket. He says he was trapped in A and E for over a year, and not only did he put a bunch of miles on his Harley, but he spent a ridiculous amount of time in segments. He thanks Ray’s ex-wife and ex-father-in-law for sending over a deli plate, then says he’s sure Angle has something he’d like to say. Angle steps up to the podium and says he had a couple of friends in the group, D’Lo Brown and Wes Brisco. He shows a D’Lo bobble-head, then wishes him better luck in his next life before throwing the bobble-head into the casket. Joe takes the podium, wipes his mouth and says it’s sad to be here. When A and E first showed up, they were faceless marauders. When they took the masks off, they found the ugliest visages in the world. He starts to put a 6-pack of beer into the casket, but then says they are too good to waste and passes them out as Angle pretends to cry in his pew. Tenay takes the podium and says unfortunately, Taz will still be with him at the broadcast table. Fortunately, however, he’ll be able to lay to rest the stinky “cut” Taz wore for 18 months. He’s not sure how Brooke’s disgusting booty shorts ended up under the announce desk, but he’s going to lay those to rest as well. He points out EY getting his foot hurt by the group, and EY says he came here to shed a tear for the men they lost here tonight. They will never get a chance to wear the turkey suit, so he throws that in the casket. He cries over the suit as Tenay and Joe pull him away. This segment is so awful. To make it worse, Anderson once again talks, this time while holding a hammer. He lists off all the people who have been hit with the hammer and decides he wants to keep it instead of putting it in the casket. Bully Ray enters the church and accuses Anderson of raping him of his life. He tells Ray to sleep with one eye open and to keep an eye on his pregnant wife. He says that they view death as the final sleep, but he sees it as a big awakening.
We see footage of Kurt Angle wrestling a member of One Direction in a parking lot. I wish I just made that up.
Back to the arena, Rockstar Spud is with the woman from before, this time with a plate of food in his hand. He takes a bit and says it’s awful. The turkey is fine, but the rest is crap. She has twenty minutes to fix it.
MATCH 4-8-Man Tag Team Elimination Match: Team Roode (Christopher Daniels, Kazarian, World X-Division Champion Chris Sabin and Bobby Roode) vs. Team Angle (Kurt Angle, Gunner, Magnus and James Storm)
Roode and Angle start the match with some trash-talk. They trade rights. Roode goes for a DVD. Angle escapes and goes for the Angle Slam. He counters a Bowflex attempt and goes for the ankle lock, but Roode escapes. Kaz tags in and gets hiptossed. Daniels nails Angle from behind, but Angle ducks a double clothesline and hits one of his own. Magnus tags in and sends Kaz into the corner. Kaz hits a boot and goes for a springboard cross-body, but Magnus catches him and hits an elevated northern lights bomb. He drops Kaz with a right, then tags in Storm. Storm takes a thumb to the eye and Daniels tags in. Storm hits a clothesline and counters a hiptoss with his own before landing an uppercut. Gunner tags in, and they hit a combination clothesline and side-Russian legsweep for 2 as Sabin breaks it up. Storm trips Gunner from the floor, which allows Daniels to knock him to the outside. On the floor, Roode hits a boot before Kaz and Sabin double-team him and roll him back in the ring. Sabin tags in, and he & Daniels hits a double back elbow for 1. Sabin chokes Gunner over the middle rope before tagging in Daniels, who kicks Gunner and throws him head-first into the top buckle. Gunner no-sells it, hits Daniels with a back elbow on the opposite side and then hits an in-coming Kaz with a fall-away slam. Storm and Sabin tag in, and Storm hits a forearm, an inverted atomic drop and a clothesline. An incoming Daniels counters a corner whip, but gets hit with an apron kick and a backcracker. Sabin gets hit with Closing Time, and now Storm signals for the Last Call. Kaz comes in and gets hit with it instead, and Sabin manages to roll Storm up in a schoolboy for 3.
James Storm is eliminated.
Magnus in for Angle’s team, and he goes for the misdirection clothesline, Sabin ducks, but gets nailed with it on a second attempt. Daniels tags in and gets sent into the corner. He blocks a charge with a boot, then sends Magnus into the boots of Roode and Kaz. Kaz tags in and Daniels hiptosses him onto Magnus for 2. Daniels tags back in and sends Magnus into the corner for some shoulder thrusts. He botches a neckbreaker for 2, then hits some elbows to the back of the head. Magnus comes back with a gut shot and a high spinebuster before tagging in Gunner. Kaz also tags in, and Gunner hits him with some rights before landing a uranage backbreaker off the ropes. He calls for the Gun Rack, but Daniels breaks the hold and Bad Influence hit a High-Low before Kaz rolls Gunner up for 3.
Gunner is eliminated.
It’s 4-on-2 now, with Magnus coming in for his team. He goes for the MDD, but Kaz escapes and shoves him into the heel corner. Daniels tags in and hits a headbutt before knocking Angle off the apron. Magnus comes back with some gut shots and rights. Daniels hits a jawbreaker, blocks a misdirection clothesline, then gets hiptossed to the floor. Magnus connects with a running clothesline off the apron, then begins holding his knee. Some trainers come out and check on Magnus as we go to commercials.
Back from the break, Angle is in the ring with Sabin. Sabin hits some knees to the head, and we find out that Magnus has been removed from the match due to injury. Sabin covers Angle for a 2-count, then tags in Daniels. Angle rolls Daniels up, but the referee is distracted by Kaz. Daniels breaks free and hits a clothesline for 2. Kaz tags in, and they hit another High-Low. Roode demands to be tagged in, and Kaz obliges. Roode begs for Angle to get back up and goes for a DVD. Angle breaks free, knocks both members of BI off the apron, then causes Roode to collide with Sabin. Angle nails a couple of clotheslines and a forearm before hitting an overhead belly-to-belly. Sabin gets one as well before getting clotheslined to the floor. Angle goes for the Murder-Suicide on Roode, then gives one to an incoming Daniels. Kaz comes in and receives the same treatment, although Angle appears to be moving in slo-motion at this point. He holds onto Kaz off the third suplex, and Kaz grabs onto Daniels, which then leads to a double German suplex. Sabin is back in the ring, and he gets hit with an Angle Slam. Angle goes for the ankle lock on Kaz, then applies it to Daniels at the same time. He ducks a chair shot from Roode and hits an Angle Slam. The chair is in his hand now, and he goes for a shot to Roode’s back, which connects, leading to the DQ.
WINNERS: Team Roode. After the match, Sabin receives a shot to the back, and Daniels gets one to the head. He smacks Roode across the back once more before Roode rolls to the floor. Tenay calls this match an incredible performance by Angle, despite the fact that his entire team was wiped out, and he came off as a worse Super-Cena than John Cena himself.
We get an ad for Jeff Hardy’s new album. God help us.
Team Roode are celebrating their win in the locker room. Roode tells them they did the job, and now it’s time to go have their turkey feast. He’s thankful for being him, beating Angle for a third straight time, and he just proved once again Angle can’t beat him.
We see James Storm and Gunner together, and he accuses Gunner of not watching his back in the match earlier. AI interrupts and asks if they have a team goal. Gunner wants to know the answer to that question as well, then walks off. Storm tells AI no one will dictate his future…or Gunner’s.
We get a video for the final four in the World title tournament.
Rockstar Spud is in the back with the Thanksgiving spread when Dixie Carter walks in. She congratulates him before EC3 walks in and insults the spread. Dixie tells him she has a gourmet meal prepared for him on their private jet as they head to a celebration with the Carter family. They start to leave before Dixie wishes Spud a happy Thanksgiving, then corrects herself, noting that the British don’t celebrate Thanksgiving (only calling them “You people”).
Moments later, we see Spud in the ring with the banquet set up, along with 8 chairs. He welcomes the winners to the ring, save for EC3, and we see the Bromans, Zema Ion, Gail Kim and Team Roode make their way out. Velvet Sky is also out since she’s porking Chris Sabin at the moment. All of them except Ion and Lei’D Tapa take seats. Before the dinner can start, however, he asks Sabin what the hell Sky is doing here, as this is a table for winners only. Sabin pretends to stand up for her, then says he’s absolutely right. He tells Sky to hit the bricks, and that he’ll bring her a doggy bag. She leaves, and Ion takes her seats. Roode tells the crowd to feast their eyes on a true table of winners. As a group, they’d all like to thank Dixie Carter for their careers in TNA, as well as this lovely turkey dinner. Now, without any further ado, each person will say what they are thankful for. Christopher Daniels lists off a bunch of things Bad Influence is thankful for. Kaz is thankful Joe Park isn’t here to drink the gravy or fornicate with the pie, and he’s also thankful for EGO. Gail Kim is thankful for Tapa being so dominant, as well as being the prettiest, most dominant knockout in company history. Oh, and her family. Sabin is thankful for the beautiful, luxurious…hair on his head, being the greatest X-Division Champion of all time, and, uh…Velvet Sky. Jesse speaks on behalf of the Bromans, saying they are thankful for 3-time Mr. Olympia Phil Heath, as well as Zema Ion being a permanent member of the Bromans. Robbie E is thankful they didn’t have to wear the turkey suits, as well as being the greatest tag champs of all time, bro. Roode takes the mic once more and says he’s thankful for the real Thanksgiving, which was last month in Canada. He’s also thankful for being the It Factor of pro wrestling and beating Kurt Angle thrice. All of the fans around the world will be thankful when Roode becomes the next World Champion. Now, it’s time to eat.
End of show.
Dustin Nichols is a freelance writer, and you can keep track of all of his work on his Facebook page, which can be found at www.facebook.com/DustinNicholsWriter. Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out his mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:
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