This week, TNA is once again in Chicago, and the show opens with Hulk Hogan coming out on one crutch. He says he’s been around a long time, and we’ve been through hell and back together. However, he’s never had the wool pulled over his eyes like this. Not only did Aces and Eights fool the fans, they fooled him, his family, Sting, and everyone else in TNA. When he thinks of what happened last week and how A and E ran roughshod over the TNA roster, he’s realized this is a war for survival. Out of all the men that were left laying last week, the four guys that led the charge are the warriors. They are the men he loves and respects, and they lead the rest of the pack in the back, jack. At this time, he wants nothing but respect for these four, and he wants to bring them out here right now. First out is Samoa Joe, second is Magnus, third is “the scariest man I’ve ever looked into his eyes” Kurt Angle, and fourth is Jeff Hardy. As Hulk speaks to these men, he’s also speaking to everyone in the back. The reason these four are here is because he wants them to put A and E out and bring the World title back to TNA. Jeff Hardy, you took us to a place Hulk never thought they’d be. But after the attack last week, can he pull off a rematch? Hardy says he’s in bad shape, but Bully Ray stole the title, and we, “the creatures”, need it back. These other men are ready, and tonight, let’s have a four-way between everyone in the ring, with the winner getting a shot at Bully Ray. Hulk says the last time he picked a #1 contender, it was a mistake, so he loves this idea. Looks like we’ve got our main event.
MATCH 1-World Tag Team Championship: Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez vs. Austin Aries and Bobby Roode (Champions)
This is the match that was supposed to happen at the top of the show last week. Chavo and Roode start the match. Chavo counters a waistlock in to an arm wringer. Roode counters into a hammerlock, and Chavo counters once more into the wringer. Roode punches his way out, but gets hit with a European uppercut before rebounding with punches. Chavo comes off the ropes with a spinning headscissors before beating Roode down in the corner. Hernandez tags in, Chavo hits a bodyslam, Hernandez bodyslams Chavo onto Roode and then hits a Warrior Splash for 2. Roode fights back and tags in Aries, beating Hernandez down in the corner. Aries boxes the ears, then hits an open-hand chop to the chest. Roode back in with a kick before tagging Aries in once more. They go for a double suplex, but Hernandez counters into one of his own before tagging in Chavo, who hits a pair of dropkicks on Roode. Commercials.
WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: Austin Aries and Bobby Roode. After the match, Bad Influence attack the champs from behind.
Apparently, all X-Division matches will now be contested in 3-way matches. G*ddammit, TNA. Why do you continue to piss me off?
We see an interview from Kenny King from earlier today. He says he should be mad about the new changes to the X-Division, but this kind of stuff has always been happening to him. If TNA wants to be this way, so be it. If they put two guys in front of him, TNA better set up two funerals. This just gives him a chance to shine even brighter. The interview then turns into a commercial for 5-Hour Energy as TNA rubs more salt in the wound.
MATCH 2-3-Way Match for the World X-Division Championship: Sonjay Dutt vs. Zema Ion vs. Kenny King (Champion)
I didn’t realize Dutt still worked here. Just shows how TNA has no idea what to do with talent in most cases. Apparently, the belt will be defended each week in these kind of matches, and the person who doesn’t get pinned or doesn’t submit moves onto the 3-way the following week. Just keep digging that grave, TNA. Ion applies a side headlock on Dutt, but gets shouldered by King. Dutt hits a spinning headscissors on Ion, and the three botch a spot in the corner. King runs into Ion, and Dutt takes them both down with a hurricanrana/armdrag combo, sending them to the floor. They drag Dutt outside and ram him into the barricade. King then does the same to Ion before hitting a somersault plancha from the apron. He rams Ion into the apron and throws him back in the ring, getting 2. Jumping hip bump in the corner by King before he foot chokes Ion. Float-over suplex into some mounted punches by King before stopping Dutt from entering the ring. He runs into an elbow by Ion but catches him in a fireman’s carry. Ion fights out but runs into a jumping roundhouse. Dutt hits a springboard dropkick on King, then goes up top. King shoves him off onto the ramp, and now Ion begins to fight back until he runs into a modified Ghetto Blaster. Ion rolls to the apron and hits the inside-out DDT, and Dutt comes back in and sends Ion to the floor with a hurricanrana. Both heels are outside now, and Dutt hits a top rope moonsault before throwing Ion back in. Bodyslam by Dutt, and he goes for the Hindu Press. King blocks him, and Ion goes up for a back suplex. Dutt elbows him off and hits a moonsault into a double stomp. King comes back in with a springboard blockbuster on Dutt and gets the 3.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Kenny King. Dutt is now out of the title picture for a while. Smart move TNA. Instead of getting rid Ion’s worthless ass, you bring Dutt back for one night and then remove him from the title hunt for a while.
AI stops Brooke Hogan to ask about her husband, and she says she’s only here to run the KO division tonight.
We get an interview with Bully Ray as he talks about “plan B” going into effect, that being him using the Hogan family to become champion. Joseph Park became the bait, and we basically get a video package highlighting the entire stupid storyline involving A and E. I kid you not, this video package is almost ten minutes long. It’s ridiculous.
We see Sting entering the building. Moments later, he enters Hulk Hogan’s office. He says he doesn’t care about the title; this is about making things right. Give him Bully tonight. Hulk says things haven’t changed in his mind, so why doesn’t Sting do what he does best and go hide up in the rafters for a couple of years. Whenever Sting is around, he causes problems, so get out.
Video package for the meaningless Gail Kim/Taryn Terrell feud.
Taryn Terrell comes out to Traci Brooks’ old music and says she knows she’s on probation, and her job is to control chaos, not create it. But when Gail Kim put her hands on Taryn twice, she had to retaliate. So, she guesses it’s time for her to accept the consequences. Gail Kim interrupts this little speech, takes the mic and says she’s glad Taryn learned her lesson, and that’s you don’t mess with Gail Kim. Gail Kim is the greatest female wrestler to have ever lived, and the greatest knockout in company history. She created the division, and without her, Taryn wouldn’t exist. Now, she’s going to call out Brooke Hogan to do what she should have done a long time ago, and that’s to fire Taryn. So Brooke, come out and do what we’ve been waiting for. Brooke says this was a hard decision for her to make, and she’s thought long and hard about it. Taryn, you know she loves you, but she has to be fair as the V.P. of the knockouts division, so she has to terminate Taryn as knockouts referee. She asks Kim if she’s happy, then says she has good news that might make everyone here happy. That news is that Taryn has been signed to the knockouts roster as an active competitor. Big surprise there. Taryn immediately spears Kim and knocks her to the floor before chasing her to the back.
Bully Ray comes out of the crowd and approaches Brooke on the ramp. He shows her he’s wearing his wedding ring and says, “’Til death do us part”. Brooke responds by saying, “I hate you” approximately 812 times.
We get another A and E video narrated by Bully Ray, and this time, he describes each unmasked member of the group and why they turned on TNA. A ridiculous amount of this video is spent on Wes Brisco and Garett Bischoff. Once again, nearly 10 minutes long.
Kurt Angle talks about tonight, and his match tonight is the most important in a year and a half, as it’s been that long since he was champion. He needs to prove he’s the best wrestler alive and the one to take down A and E, and that starts with the World title.
MATCH 3: Matt Morgan vs. Joseph Park
Morgan immediately shoves Park away, then piefaces him into the ropes. Park swings at him, but Morgan moves and shoves him into the turnbuckle. Morgan shoves him again, and Park shoves back before putting his fists up. Morgan drops him with a body blow, then screams “Forearm!” at him before hitting one across the back. Morgan continues to call his own moves as he does them. He hits a back elbow and a clothesline to the back of the head. Park climbs up to his feet in the corner, where he dodges an avalanche. Morgan rebounds and hits a discus clothesline. Headbutt by Morgan, and now he rakes the eyes over the middle rope. Morgan applies a modified surfboard stretch through the ropes. He calls for the Carbon Footprint, but misses and ends up crotching himself on the top rope. Park bounces Morgan back into the ring, hits a few punches and a clothesline. He ducks a clothesline and hits a running shoulderblock. Park goes to the middle rope and goes for the Closing Argument, but Morgan moves. He drops Park with the Carbon Footprint before falling on his own ass and gets the 3.
WINNER: Matt Morgan. Morgan should never use a pump kick as a finisher ever again. After all these years, he still can’t do it right.
AI stops Jeff Hardy to ask about Bully Ray. He says it means everything to get that belt back, but if it’s not him tonight, he knows Magnus, Joe and Angle are all ready to do it.
Mike Tenay is in the ring, and he brings out AJ Styles. Tenay says he’s known AJ for over 10 years and called every one of his matches in TNA, and considers them friends. Now he wants to know what’s been going on with AJ lately. AJ just stares at him. Tenay asks him about the rumors about alcohol and drug use. Taz cuts him off and says to let a professional do it. Taz says he saw the video on wherever the hell it is he’s from. Life’s about opportunities, and he was talking to the boys in A and E. So, he has a “PROSPECT” vest for AJ. He’d have to start off at the bottom, but the spot is his if he wants it. Taz makes fun of AJ’s motorcycle for a moment until James Storm comes out, mic in hand. He asks if this is the new AJ Styles, a guy who can’t even face who’s talking to him at the moment. That’s fine. He can be the new AJ with his new look, because the old AJ that Storm knew would say exactly what he thought about someone to their face. He can be the new AJ, but Storm is still the same douchebag. AJ can think about suckerpunching him again, but when you think about it, Storm is going to knock his teeth down his throat and spit out his stupid catchphrase. AJ stares at Storm for a minute before backing out of the ring. Storm says everyone wants to know what’s going on, but AJ isn’t listening.
Yet ANOTHER Bully Ray video, and this time it’s about Brooke Hogan and Sting. This one is a little shorter, only going about 5 minutes.
MATCH 4-4-Way Match to determine a new #1 contender for the World Championship: Samoa Joe vs. Magnus vs. Kurt Angle vs. Jeff Hardy
As I said on Facebook, Magnus may be the most underrated guy in this company. All four men are legal at all times, it looks like. Magnus attacks Hardy as Joe attacks Angle. Hardy and Angle get beaten down in opposite corners until Hardy ducks a punche and ifres off some of his own shots. Magnus pushes Hardy into Joe, and Joe hits a clothesline. He clotheslines Magnus, then hits a hip bump on Angle in the corner, followed by a spin kick to the head. Snapmare by Joe, and he chops the back, kicks the chest and drops a jumping knee for 2. Magnus and Hardy are brawling on the outside as Joe hits a chop on Angle. Joe dodges Angle and sends him to the floor, where Hardy and Magnus beat him down. Joe takes them all out with a suicide dive. Commercials.
WINNER: Jeff Hardy. Big surprise there.
End of show.
As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx ,and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:
Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.
[amazon_link id=”B00BCMT2CC” target=”_blank” container=”” container_class=”” ]WWE: WrestleMania 29 DVD[/amazon_link]
[amazon_link id=”B00AO1RKOO” target=”_blank” container=”” container_class=”” ]WWE: Bret Hitman Hart – The Dungeon Collection[/amazon_link]