Tonight, the continuation of the Aces and Eights angle that has no end in sight, featuring the stupidest heel turn in recent memory.
The show opens by airing damn near the entire stupid ending to last week’s show, but with the inclusion of overly dramatic music at the end.
Todd Kenely and Mike Tenay are sans-Taz, but his chair is still there, so I’m sure he’ll be out later for really bad heel commentary. Tenay is pulling out the “Owen Hart has died” voice, and I want to stab him in the junk.
We see Jesse and Tara in the back. Tara has a title match with Velvet Sky. Jesse then verbally fellates the two of them for a minute.
Tonight, Christopher Daniels gets a shot against Jeff Hardy for the World title. This is only Daniels’ second or third title match in nearly 11 years with this company. Ridiculous. Speaking of Daniels, AI is in the back with him and Kaz. He asks Kaz what his role in the title match tonight is, and Kaz says, “whole wheat”. I hate him. Anyway, he’s apparently a licensed manager now. Daniels calls tonight’s match a benchmark because the company needs him. He’s moments away from taking his place at the head of the table.
Taz has joined the announce desk.
MATCH 1-Knockouts Championship: Velvet Sky vs. Tara (Champion, w/Jesse)
Sky immediately rolls Tara up for 2. Another schoolgirl rollup gets another 2. Tara hits one of the weakest clotheslines I’ve ever seen. Sky hits a slow-motion Japanese armdrag and follows up with a jumping clothesline. Why is it all divas/knockouts hit their clotheslines with their arm straight out while jumping? It looks ridiculous. Sky hits another clothesline and a botched side-Russian legsweep, sending Tara to the floor. Sky whips her back in and hits a low dropkick, sending her back to the floor. Commercials.
We’re back, and Sky is still in control. Listening to the commentators bitch about Taz’s heel turn is giving me a migraine. Sky hits an axe kick to the head out of the corner, and a flying cross-body gets 2. Chops in the corner by Sky, followed by some shoulder thrusts. Tara blocks a monkey flip for 2. She slams Sky’s face into the mat and a float-over suplex gets another 2. Standing moonsault for another 2. Rear chinlock is applied, and Tara turns it into a side headlock. Sky fights out, but Tara knocks her back down. Sky is hairmared to the mat, and now Tara goes up top. Sky throws her off, and now both women are down. They trade punches from the knees, and Sky hits more of her stupid clotheslines. Slow-motion headscissors, and Sky some botched indy-tastic swinging facebuster. Sky goes for the pin, but Jesse jumps on the apron to argue with Taryn Terrell. Sky gets in his face and goes for a punch, but ducks an attack from Tara from behind, causing her to knock Jesse off the apron. Sky schoolgirls Tara, getting 2. Sky goes for a suplex near the ropes, but Jesse trips her up and holds onto her feet as Tara falls onto Sky, getting the 3.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Tara. God, did this match suck. Early “Worst Match of the Year” candidate.
OFN is back next week.
Sting is walking around outside the building when AI stops him and asks about last week’s wedding. Sting says now is not the right time, and he’ll say what he needs to later in the Impact Zone.
Kenny King and Zema Ion are in the locker room area, and they have a tag match tonight. King blames Christian York for costing him the X-Division title before reminding Ion that RVD beat him for the title. He tells Ion to sit on the apron, and he’ll do all of the heavy lifting.
Joseph Park makes his way out to some generic, nearly inaudible entrance music. I think it’s supposed to sound like the old L.A. Law theme, only terrible. Park says that, contrary to popular belief, he’s not the most graceful athlete in the world, not having competed in sports since the 3rd grade. But, being here in the last year, he’s realized his place is on the TNA roster and not in a courtroom with a judge. He realizes his debut match a few weeks ago didn’t go as planned, but he fought hard and even though he fought hard, he didn’t get the “W”, as the boys call it. It made him realize something though, and that is he is here to be the best he can be in TNA. Next week, Impact is in Manchester, England, and it’s OFN. Him being as committed as he is, he’s ready. His passport says that he’ll be in Manchester next Thursday, and he’ll be competing in his first-ever OFN. The question is, who should he choose as his first opponent? He doesn’t want to “kayfab” everybody, but he’s going to take the week to deliberate and study every member of the roster, and next week, he’ll render his verdict. What he can tell us for sure is that next week, the whole world will witness the Impact debut of Joseph Park (except, you know, for that match with Bully Ray he had a while ago), and in the ring with him, court will be in session.
MATCH 2: Zema Ion and Kenny King vs. World X-Division Champion Rob Van Dam and Christian York
RVD and Ion start the match with a few counters and strikes before RVD hits an elevated dropkick. York tags in and chops Ion in the corner. Kitchen sink off the ropes before RVD tags back in. York sends Ion into the corner, and RVD hits a rolling monkey flip. Ion attempts to land on his feet but is unable to do so because he sucks, resulting in a faceplant. RVD hits a low dropkick in the corner and sends Ion into the ropes. Ion slides to the floor as King grabs RVD by the hair off the rope bounce. RVD knocks King to the floor, allowing Ion to knock the distracted RVD down with a knee to the back. King tags in and hits some mounted punches off a float-over suplex. Ion back in, who stomps RVD in the face. Ion sends him hard into the corner, but misses the 450 splash. RVD misses an enziguri but lands on his feet and and nails a back kick to the face before tagging in York as Ion tags in King. York with the hot tag before locking King in a cravat and turning it into a side-Russian legsweep variation. York hits a misdirection kick to the chest and gets 2 before Ion breaks up the pin. RVD throws Ion to the corner and punches away, but Ion comes back with a boot. York sends King to the floor with a clothesline, but King pulls him to the outside before he can go for a plancha. In the ring, RVD hits a front powerslam on Ion and looks for the split-legged moonsault. King crotches him and goes for a back superplex, but RVD elbows his way out of the move. Ion pushes RVD to the floor and goes up top, where York cuts him off with a kick. King shoves York from behind as Ion makes the blind tag. King hotshots York over the top rope on the other side of the ring as Ion comes in with the tornado DDT through the ropes. York manages to throw Ion off on his face as King comes in and hits a springboard blockbuster. Ion quickly rolls York up and gets the 3.
WINNERS: Zema Ion and Kenny King.
Taz leaves the announce desk to answer a phone call.
We see Brooke Hogan and Buddy Ray drive into the parking lot and AI stops them on the way into the building to ask about the wedding. Ray says they’ll do their talking in the ring.
Ray and Brooke come out, and Ray immediately wants to know where Taz is, asking Tenay and Kenely at the announce desk. After Tenay explains that Taz went to answer a phone call, they head to the ring instead. Ray says that, last week, it should have been the greatest night in their lives. In reality, it was a nightmare. A lot of people were hurt last week. He expected this from Devon. Taz, you scumbag, he never expected this from you. Where is Taz? Nothing but a frickin’ coward. This is what you do to us? He doesn’t care that he got hurt; it’s the people around him that got hurt. The only man who has trusted him the last couple months is Sting, and Taz hurt Sting. The man that Ray has been trying to earn trust with, Hulk Hogan, was also hurt. Most of all, the one that you hurt the most was the woman Ray loves. How dare you ruin their biggest day. The things that Ray is going to do to every member of A and E, he can’t even say on national television. Every single one of them better sleep with one eye open. Look into his frickin’ eyes. He guarantees he will not sleep one frickin’ wink until he kicks every single one of their “m-effin’” asses. He can’t do any of that, however, unless Hulk Hogan lifts his suspension. Hogan is at home resting, taking care of business, but Ray needs to be reinstated. Lift the suspension, Hulk.
Sting joins the two in the ring. He says Hogan doesn’t do anything halfway, doing everything to the fullest no matter what. He knows Hogan is watching, but has only come halfway. He gave Brooke away to his new son-in-law. Now, it is time for Hogan to go all the way. He’s the best of all time. Next week, they’ll be in the UK together, and Sting believes Hogan will then announce his new son-in-law will be reinstated in TNA.
We see Bobby Roode and Austin Aries in the back. Aries tells Roode they both know they could beat Chavo Guerrero or Hernandez any of the week. Tonight, they have to figure out who should take out Hernandez. Roode says it should be Aries, as Aries’ speed is a perfect counter to Hernandez’ power. Aries disagrees, thinking Roode is a better match with his power and history as the longest-reigning champion. Roode points out Aries beat him, but Aries counters with saying he agrees his win might have been a fluke. Aries tells him good luck and walks away.
Jeff Hardy is walking around and cuts a rambling promo directed at Christopher Daniels.
MATCH 3: Bobby Roode vs. World Tag Team Co-Champion Hernandez (w/Chavo Guerrero)
Taz has rejoined the announce desk, so the awful commentary may continue. You know, I’ve heard better music in porn than what Chavo and Hernandez come out to. I mean, not that I partake in the erotica or anything. I just watched it once to see what all the hype was about. Honest. Hernandez shoves Roode into the corner off a lock-up. Roode goes for a waistlock but instead just clubs him down as Taz tells us Hernandez has a “big, thick, muscular skeletor”. He fires off some rights in the corner until Hernandez comes back with a back body drop. Delayed vertical suplex connects, and Roode rolls to the apron. Roode rakes the eyes before hotshotting Hernandez, then gets back in the ring, connecting with a neckbreaker for 2. Roode with some shoulder thrusts in the corner, followed by a snapmare and a rolling neck snap. Roode rakes the back, but Hernandez fights back with punches. Roode connects with a back elbow off the ropes for 2, then drops a series of elbows and a jumping kneedrop for another 2. Rear chinlock is applied, but Hernandez breaks the hold by backing Roode into the corner. He goes to the apron and hits a slingshot shoulderblock and a pair of back elbows. In the corner, Hernandez connects with an avalanche, and an over-the-shoulder backbreaker follows. Roode counters a back body drop with a boot and a chop, but runs right into a Pounce, sending him to the floor. Austin Aries runs to ringside and moves Roode out of a Supermex attempt, and now Chavo & Aries are brawling at ringside. The referee jumps outside to break up the fight as Roode gets back in the ring and hits a bulldog for 3.
WINNER: Bobby Roode. A bulldog for the finish? Really?
Kurt Angle is headed out to the ring.
I love that TNA made it seem like a major deal that Mr. Anderson had joined Aces and Eights, only to automatically turn him into an afterthought in the group.
Angle makes his way into the Impact Zone and says that he thought A and E would be temporary. Obviously, the group is in it for the long haul, and he’s sick and tired of their cheap shots, sneak attacks, and the injuries they’ve laid upon the TNA roster, including himself. And Taz, earlier tonight, you talked about revenge. You don’t know what revenge is. Next week is OFN, and Angle will get revenge at the hands of Mr. Anderson. As a matter of fact, Anderson, why don’t you come out here right now, because Angle has something to tell you personally. Anderson’s music hits, but he comes out from the A and E entrance instead of the stage. Anderson asks if Angle wants a fight next week about 812 times before saying he doesn’t want a fight next week…because he wants to do it now. Anderson slugs Angle, then beats him down in the corner. Angle knocks him down with a clothesline and goes for the ankle lock, but Anderson escapes through the crowd. Angle tells him he can keep running, but next week, it will be them one-on-one in a steel cage.
We see A and E partying in some dark room with hookers. We know they are hookers because Anderson walks in and says, “Hey, hookers. Shut up!” Brilliant dialogue there. Devon tells Anderson to chill out and the ladies to relax. He knows Anderson has Angle next week and is stressed, but he won’t Anderson go in without a battle plan. So, sit down, have some beer, and enjoy what is going on in the clubhouse.
MATCH 4-World Championship: Christopher Daniels (w/Kazarian) vs. Jeff Hardy (Champion)
Lock-up to start, and Daniels gives a clean break in the corner. Hardy applies a side headlock that Daniels breaks by ramming Hardy into the corner. Daniels hits some shoulder thrusts, but Hardy counters a corner whip with a headscissors. Hardy throws Daniels to the corner and follows up with a clothesline, knocking him down. He goes for the slingshot dropkick, but Daniels rolls to the floor. Back in, Daniels throws Hardy to the floor. Kaz jumps in the ring to celebrate with Daniels as we go to commercials.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Jeff Hardy.
Taz leaves the announce desk once more and grabs a mic, wanting to interview Jeff Hardy. Taz has a question: What is he gonna do when A and E destroys everything and he’s left laying? What’s he going to do when his World title is gone? As Taz says this, a fat guy from A and E comes in and clips Hardy’s knee with a hammer.
End of show.
Well, the main event was relatively decent. Everything else was average-to-terrible. Listening to Taz and Tenay bitch at each other was especially intolerable.
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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.
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