After a video hyping the big two matches this week, we see Dixie Carter, Rockstar Spud and a man in a suit somewhere backstage in the arena. Spud is telling Dixie to calm down, because she’s flipping out about something. Magnus enters a moment later, and shakes the hand of the man in the suit, who is apparently an attorney named Creed.
Magnus, Spud and EC3 head out to the ring, and Magnus says this is the game Sting wants to play. Last week, we saw Sting put his career on the line for one more shot at the World title, and then Magnus finds out Sting has been politicking, working with this investor to get a man in his corner for this match. Magnus thought Sting was a real man, and that they had a deal.
Sting marches down to the ring and says now Magnus is ready to honor a deal. How about the deal with AJ Styles? Magnus tells him not to flip this around. He wants to know how much Sting paid this new investor. Sting says he doesn’t know who this person is. All he was told is that he gets a man in his corner. All Magnus knows is this match will now be No Holds Barred. Sting has to pin him or make him submit, and he can’t do it. Magnus proved that at BFG when he made Sting tap out. Sting says Magnus is right about that, but he got back up, like always, and got his head back in the game. He watched the tape of that match, and he knows Magnus’ every move now. That’s what separates real champions from paper champions. Magnus didn’t win anything. He didn’t earn anything. He traded honor for greed. Isn’t it obvious? Magnus has lost the respect of everybody. Magnus then slaps Sting as the other two laugh at him. Sting then starts laughing before slugging Magnus. Spud and EC3 attack Sting from behind, and that’s when Samoa Joe runs down, clearing the ring. Sting then introduces the man who will be in his corner tonight, that being Joe.
We get a video package for the history between James Storm and Gunner, who will face each other for Gunner’s briefcase next.
MATCH 1-Briefcase-on-a-Pole Match: Gunner (case holder) vs. James Storm
Oh, goody. An Item-on-a-Pole Match. That’s so much better than, you know, a Ladder Match or even a straight one-on-one contest. Yessir.
Before Storm comes out, we cut to the back, where Rockstar Spud is flipping out at Dixie Carter in regards to Samoa Joe. Dixie says if Joe wants to insert himself in the match, they need to make sure he’s physically incapable of doing so. She’s going to put Joe in a match tonight, against Spud. Spud basically reminds Dixie of how badly he sucks, and she tells him to destroy Joe and show the world why she hand-picked him to stand by her side.
Storm comes out, and the match starts with him immediately going for the case. Gunner pulls him away and tries himself. He applies a side headlock before shouldering Storm off the ropes. Storm recovers and nails a couple of punches, followed by a forearm off the ropes. Gunner sends him to the floor, but Storm skins the cat before hitting a knee to the face. Gunner recovers and lands a clothesline. Storm rolls to the apron, and Gunner slams him head-first into the top buckle. He goes for the move again, but Storm blocks it and hits an apron kick. He climbs to the top, but Gunner cuts him off with a knife-edge. He mounts the top rope now for a superplex, but Storm fights him off. Gunner lands on his feet and nails a headbutt before heading to the middle rope, where he hits a super fall-away slam. Gunner goes for the case, but Storm grabs him by the foot. Gunner stomps him and goes for a slingshot suplex. Storm lands on his feet and hits a backcracker. He heads up for the case now, but Gunner grabs him by the feet. Storm nails a right and follows up with Closing Time. Instead of going for the case, he signals for the Last Call. Gunner blocks it, spins Storm around and hits a uranage. Gunner crawls to the corner and begins climbing. Storm nails him in the back before hitting some rights from the middle rope. He makes his way to the top, hits some body shots and hits one of the sloppiest super hurricanranas I’ve ever seen in my life. Storm pulls himself up and begins to climb for the case, but Gunner is up and gets Storm in an electric chair. Storm grabs the case, but it flies out of his hand as Gunner lands the move. The case is apparently up for grabs now, and both men are trying for it. Gunner nails a right to the head and firmly gets a hold of it.
WINNER AND STILL CASE HOLDER: Gunner. As anticlimactic as you would expect. I have always hated this match type. There has never been a good one in history.
Kurt Angle is in the back, telling AI it’s been a rough four months. Bobby Roode has always gotten the best of him, but if he can’t beat Roode with a HOF induction on the line, he doesn’t deserve to be in the Hall, and he doesn’t deserve to wrestle in TNA anymore, either.
It’s time for an #Impact365 segment, and this time, it’s Velvet Sky doing a video diary. She says that, since Chris Sabin aired their personal business in the ring last week, she wanted to air this to her loyal fans. She has a package from Sabin, and wants to open it right now. First, she reads a letter from Sabin, basically apologizing for pushing things so far, with the end result of Sky being in a cage at ringside tonight during the X title match. He sent a gift as an apology, and she needs to bring the gift to Impact. She opens it, and there’s a teddy bear inside, along with a steel pipe.
MATCH 2-World X-Division Championship (Velvet Sky will be in a cage at ringside): Austin Aries vs. Chris Sabin (Champion)
Sky comes out with Sabin, carrying the gift bag he sent, and that is locked in the cage with her. The two lock up, and Aries applies a side headlock, turning it into a hammerlock, and turning that into a full-nelson before breaking it and applying a cravat. Sabin gets a rope-break in the corner, then shoves Aries before applying a side headlock. Aries pulls him by the hair to the corner before giving a clean break. He then nails an open-hand chop before hitting a Japanese armdrag and a waistlock takedown into a pin for 2. He follows up with a backslide for another 2, then applies the Last Chancery. Sabin breaks the hold by raking the eyes, then tries to send Aries to the floor. Aries reverses, then goes up top. Sabin crotches him from the apron before raking the back. Aries falls into the tree of woe, and Sabin stands on him before hitting a baseball slide for 2. Aries gets dumped to the outside in front of the announce desk. Aries pulls himself to the apron, where Sabin hits an outside-in suplex for 2. He throws Aries outside once more, but Aries lands on his feet, hits a series of elbows and forearms, shoulders Sabin in the gut, flips over him and boxes his ears from behind. He follows up with a Lionsault for 2. He signals for the brainbuster, but Sabin escapes, hits a spinning back kick and goes for the Cradle Shock. Aries escapes and hits a rolling elbow before nailing a running corner dropkick. He goes for the brainbuster again, but Sabin blocks it before sending Aries into the middle rope. He heads outside, grabs the gift bag through the cage bars and opens it. There’s nothing in it, and as he’s flipping out, Aries nails a double axe handle from the top. Sabin gets rolled into the ring, and Aries nails him with a missile dropkick. Aries nails another running corner dropkick and kills Sabin with a brainbuster for 3.
WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: Austin Aries. Decent match, as you would expect from these two.
We get a video for the American Wolves. Basically, the whole video is them slamming Dixie Carter, which is kind of funny. They then warn everyone on the roster before saying they are the start of a new genesis in TNA. This new investor will be revealed next week.
MATCH 3-Cage Match; if Angle loses, he cannot be inducted into the TNA Hall of Fame: Bobby Roode vs. Kurt Angle
The match starts with a lock-up that Roode turns into a side headlock. He turns that into a hammerlock, and Angle reverses. Roode breaks it with a back elbow, then nails a right in the corner. Angle fights back with rights, then gets booted off the ropes. He sees a clothesline coming and counters with an overhead belly-to-belly. Angle follows up with a clothesline before stomping Roode down in the corner. He picks Roode up for a series of rights, then follows up with some corner mounted punches. Roode grabs him by the legs and powerbombs him into the cage wall. Roode boots Angle in the face, then nails him with a right. He hits a snapmare and an elbow off the ropes for a 1-count. Roode nails a knife-edge in the corner, then whips Angle across the ring. Roode connects with a corner clothesline, knocking Angle to the mat. He connects with a suplex for 2, then stomps Angle before foot-choking him against the bottom rope. Roode sets Angle up for a powerbomb or piledriver, but Angle reverses into a catapult, sending Roode face-first into the cage. Roode bounces off, right into the Murder-Suicide. He signals for the Angle Slam, but Roode counters with an armdrag. He sidesteps an incoming Angle, sending him face-first into the cage before hitting a spinebuster for 2. Angle has a small cut on the top of his head. Roode goes for the Roode Bomb (ugh), but Angle escapes and throws Roode into the cage before hitting the Angle Slam for 2. Angle drops the straps and goes for the ankle lock. After a minute, Roode breaks it with an enziguri, then rips off his elbow pad before nailing Angle with a Northern Lariat for 2. He calls for the cage door to be open and begins to head out, but Angle grabs him by the foot. Roode breaks Angle’s grip by nailing him in the head, then throws him face-first into the cage. Roode looks around, then climbs the corner, looking to escape once more. Angle climbs up after him, pulling him back inside. They trade face slams into the cage while balancing on the top rope, with Angle getting the best of it, eventually knocking Roode down to the mat. I’m sure you can guess what Angle’s going to attempt (and fail at) next. Angle gets his leg over the side of the cage, but instead of climbing out, he shimmies to the corner for the moonsault, which misses. Gee. Who didn’t see that coming (except everyone)? The crowd starts a “Holy sh*t!” chant, because they apparently have never seen Angle wrestle in a cage before. Roode calls for the door to be open again and begins crawling towards it. He gets out and begins crawling down the steps, but Angle “miraculously” recovers and drags Roode back into the ring by his foot. Roode boots him off and goes back to the door, crawling out once again. Angle catches him as his hands touch the floor, pulling him back in with the ankle lock. Roode tries to crawl for the ropes, but instead rolls through, sending Angle into the cage. He follows up with a Roode Bomb and goes for the pin, getting 2. This is exactly why I hate Kurt Angle matches. Every damn one of them is over-booked like this. Roode tries to shake off the damage to his leg, then begins climbing the cage from the corner. Angle gets to his feet and runs up to the top rope, hitting a super (and sloppy) Angle Slam. I guess tonight’s the night for sloppy top rope moves. Anyway, Angle goes for the pin, but only gets 2. Angle falls onto the middle rope, unable to stand up all of a sudden. He begins climbing up the cage in the corner, eventually getting to the top and getting most of his body outside. Roode quickly gets to the top rope and pulls Angle back in. They trade shots on the top rope until Angle nails a body shot that results in Roode getting crotched on the top rope. Angle heads up again and gets himself mostly outside. Roode then begins crawling towards the open door. They are both almost to the floor, but Angle drops down first.
WINNER: Kurt Angle. Can I request that TNA never book a Kurt Angle Cage Match ever again? We see a bunch of replays of Angle missing the moonsault, and after seeing Angle do this more times than I can count over the years, I have to ask, is it really any wonder Angle is basically Mr. Glass from the movie Unbreakable at this point?
We see Rockstar Spud pouting in a locker room. EC3 asks if he’s got a minute, and Spud continues pouting. EC3 says that is no way for a champion to talk. He says that Dixie showed him that Spud is a champion, because he is the British Boot Camp champion. Spud asks if he saw that, and EC3 says he watched about five minutes, but what he saw in those five minutes was a man with a fire in his heart, and a charisma unbeknownst to anyone else. He then compares Spud to Dusty Rhodes, and I die a little inside. He calls Spud the “British Dream”. He sees Spud exploding tonight, starting with Samoa Joe. EC3 says Spud isn’t small like everyone says; he’s fierce. Spud then begins screaming that he’s a lion, and EC3 kisses him on the forehead. He leaves, rolling his eyes. Spud throws a chair down, then begins hitting himself in the head.
The Bromans and Zema Ion are in the ring. Jesse says they are having a bro moment for the ages right now, because you only bro once. He says some stupid crap about hashtags, then tells everyone to get on Twitter to remember this moment. Robbie E then says something so stupid, I refuse to repeat it. Ion then takes the mic and verbally fellates the Bromans, because TNA. He turns his attention to Eric Young and Joseph Park, who are apparently going down.
EY hits the ring alone and fights off all three before they finally triple-team him. Jesse nails a dropkick, and the triple-team continues. Abyss’ music hits, and Joe Abyss makes way down to the ring. Sweet extensions he’s got in his hair. He drops the Bromans with a double clothesline, then hits Jesse with a chokeslam. E gets hit with the Black Hole Slam, and now Ion is left alone, sagging in his skinny jeans like a total douchewaffle. Park…err, Abyss hits him with the Shock Treatment. EY gets up and offers a handshake, but Abyss goozles him instead. EY tries to talk some sense into him, and Abyss eventually lets go. Hey, did you know he’s still recognized as the World Television Champion? That’s important information.
AI is in the locker room with Samoa Joe, asking how Joe’s knee is. Joe says his knee is fine. He’s never felt better, or more ready. Magnus, last year he watched you go from his brother-in-arms to a sellout, to a scumbag. That’s okay, because he’s not surprised. He’s had the knife stuck into his back, and held it in his hand. Tonight is about a new era. He plans to send a message, and the purest communicator is pain. Spud, you will bear that message, and everyone will know he is Samoa Joe. Everyone will know he’s the “Samoan Submission Machine”, and his path of destruction starts with you.
Kurt Angle is talking about the main event tonight. He tried to talk Sting out of this, but he won’t listen. He believes Sting is making a mistake, and if Sting loses, we may never see him again. AI asks Angle to give Sting some advice and talk directly into the camera. Angle says that a lot of people love Sting. Sting knows how important he is. If TNA loses him…he says he loves Sting, and he wishes him the best. He hopes Sting wins tonight, and if he doesn’t, goodbye.
MATCH 4: Rockstar Spud vs. Samoa Joe
Spud gets in Joe’s face, and Joe turns his back, offering a free shot. Spud goes for a waistlock, and Joe whips him off. Spud continues the trash-talk and begins throwing some weak shots. Joe blasts him with a knife-edge, then hits another one in the corner that knocks Spud on his ass. Joe foot-chokes him in the adjacent corner, then turns it into the Face Wash. He misses the running boot when Spud slides to the floor. Spud goes up top for a double axe handle, but Joe catches him by the throat and hoists him in the air. Spud rakes the eyes, then dropkicks Joe twice in his bad knee, sending Joe to the corner. He charges in, and Joe catches him with a standing uranage. Joe shakes off the dropkicks before nailing some knee strikes to the face. He props Spud on the top and nails the Muscle Buster. The Kokina Clutch is locked in, and Spud taps immediately.
WINNER: Samoa Joe. Joe grabs a mic and says Magnus faces Sting one-on-one tonight. And Dixie, if you or any of your boys have a problem with it, they have to go through him.
MATCH 5-No Holds Barred Match for the World Championship, Title vs. Contract: Sting (w/Samoa Joe) vs. Magnus (Champion)
Magnus’ entrance music has always sucked, but it’s especially bad now that he’s a heel.
They lock up, and Sting applies a side headlock before shouldering Magnus off the ropes. They lock up again, and Magnus now applies the headlock before shouldering Sting. They crisscross, and Magnus runs into a back elbow. They lock up a third time, and Magnus now applies an arm wringer. Sting reverses, but Magnus rolls through, back into one of his own. Sting reverses again, this time snapping Magnus down. Magnus calls for a test of strength, but hits a kneelift instead before clubbing Sting across the back. He stomps Sting down before mocking his signature yell. Sting comes back with backhands, but Magnus nails a kneelift. He goes for a bodyslam, and Sting slides out before trying for the Scorpion Death Drop. Magnus escapes, and Sting hits a back elbow. Magnus ducks a clothesline, then they both simultaneously nail each other with one. EC3 heads down to the ring, but Joe is there to meet him on the ramp. EC3 begins to back-peddle up the ramp as we go to commercials.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Magnus. Dixie pulls Sting’s contract out, and Magnus rips it to pieces before throwing the pieces on top of Sting. EC3 and Dixie raise Magnus’ arms in celebration.
End of show.
Enjoy WWE, Sting.
Dustin Nichols is a freelance writer, and you can keep track of all of his work on his Facebook page, which can be found at www.facebook.com/DustinNicholsWriter. Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out his mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:
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