This week’s TNA Impact will not only feature the fallout from Genesis, but the Bully Ray/Brooke Hogan wedding, which I know none of you are excited about. Now that he’s a face, can we call him Buddy Ray instead?
Speaking of Bully Ray, we see him looking at a text message on his phone, shaking his head. Brother Runt walks in, wearing the old taped-up Dudley Boys glasses. Tommy Dreamer also walks into congratulate him. Shoot over to Brooke Hogan’s dressing room, and some of the knockouts are getting ready, as they are apparently bridesmaids.
Bad Influence make their way onto the stage. Kaz asks Jeffrey if he’s ready for a fight. That’s funny because, in a week, you “Butt-puppets”, his friend, Christopher Daniels is going to bring the fight to Hardy and take the World Championship. Kaz needs to disappear from television. Daniels says he hears Jefferson bragging about his victories. Daniels can brag, too. He’s the “Thursday night delight”. He’s the man who sent AJ Styles home, and he beat James Storm at Genesis to become the #1 contender. He didn’t need any creatures to help him. They’re not “creatures of the night”; they’re creatures of habit, and the habit is losing. These people are losers, just like AJ, just like Storm, and just like Hardy. But, the “creatures” can smile, because once next Thursday comes around and he wins the title, he gives them permission to worship him. Hardy says they don’t need to wait until next Thursday. Let’s just do it now. Kaz and Daniels hit the ring and beat Hardy down until Storm joins the fight. He chases the heels off, which I’m sure will set up a tag team match. Storm asks if someone said something about fighting. If Bad Influence want a fight, why don’t they fight Storm and Hardy right now? Can I call this or what? Storm says he’s not asking, he’s demanding.
MATCH 1: World Champion Jeff Hardy and James Storm vs. Bad Influence (Christopher Daniels and Kazarian)
The match starts with Storm and Daniels brawling on the floor as Hardy and Kaz square off in the ring. The faces beat down the heels in opposite corners until Storm clotheslines Daniels back to the floor, rendering the last few seconds pointless. Hardy throws Kaz over the top as well, then hits a double dropkick through the ropes. Commercials.
We’re back, and Storm & Daniels are the legal men. Storm hits a back body drop. Hardy tags in for a double back elbow. Reverse enziguri connects for 2. Storm back in, who hits a double axe handle from the middle to the arm. Daniels backs Storm into his own corner, and Kaz chokes him over the bottom rope. Kaz tags in, and Daniels hiptosses Kaz onto Storm for 2. Kaz with a dropkick, and they fake a tag. Daniels with a foot choke in the corner before sending Storm hard into the buckles. Kaz back in, and he chokes Storm over the middle rope. Shoulder thrusts in the corner before Kaz rakes the eyes. Daniels back in, and he hits Nightmare on Helms Street for 1. Neck vice is applied, right into a rear chinlock. Storm fights out, but is hair-whipped down. Daniels goes for a suplex, but Storm reverses into a small package for 2. Daniels is back up and he takes Storm down before applying a rear chinlock. Storm fights out and hits a side-Russian legsweep. Hardy and Kaz tag in, and Hardy does the hot tag offense. Double legdrop by Hardy, followed by a seated dropkick for 2. Botch in the Wind connects for another 2 before Daniels breaks it up. Hardy shoves Kaz into Daniels, then drops him with a sit-out jawbreaker. Daniels rebounds and takes Hardy down with an STO. Storm comes in and hits Closing Time on Daniels, sending him to the floor. Storm connects with a slingshot plancha to the floor. Back in the ring, Kaz counters a Twist of Fate with a small package for 2. Hardy hits a quick Twist of Fate for the 3.
WINNERS: Jeff Hardy and James Storm. Daniels attacks Hardy from behind, and hits Angel’s Wings right on Hardy’s custom title belt.
We see footage of the Gut Check judges discussing last week, and apparently, only one of the two competitors last week can get a contract this time around. Al Snow says both did a great job, and Taz agrees. He and Snow then begin to argue about who was more impressive. Bruce Prichard makes a big deal about Brian Cage’s middle rope superplex, which really wasn’t all that great. They all say Jay Bradley was more impressive overall, but they need to think about this a little bit more. Decision time is up next. Personally, I’m going with Bradley on this one.
We see Brother Runt and Tommy Dreamer trying to get ready for the wedding. Joseph Park walks in and thanks Buddy Ray for his help and congratulates him on his wedding, giving him a box of Cuban cigars.
Back in the Impact Zone, Al Snow, Taz and Bruce Prichard are in the ring for decision time. Brian Cage comes out first, followed by Jay Bradley. Tonight, one of them gets a shot at getting a contract. Prichard tells them they were both good, but only one gets a chance. He tells Bradley he was impressive in his victory, but a win isn’t everything. Cage is put together and had a good outing last week, but unfortunately, it wasn’t enough. Cage is out. Taz’s decision is first. Short and sweet, his decision is no. Bradley gets his thirty seconds right away. Bradley points at Taz and tells him he’s humped so many highways, he probably owes them child support. But all that travel taught him discipline and took him all over the world. They’ve brought him here to the Impact Zone. He’s been trained by the best to be one of the best, and in one match last week, he and his Boomstick were trending worldwide. Look in his eyes. There’s no BS. He’s knocking on the door. Just let him in, and he’ll take care of the rest. Snow’s decision is next, and he says that last week, Bradley showed talent and skill. He had personality and presence and is connecting with the crowd. His answer is yes. Prichard is up now, and he says that, by listening to the crowd, Bradley has proven they care about him. Bradley has passion and guts, so his answer is yes. Jay Bradley is the newest member of the TNA roster. At least some decent talents are finally getting these spots.
MATCH 2: Christian York vs. Kenny King
This a rematch from Genesis, in which York was victorious. York hits a suicide dive before King gets in the ring. York rakes the eyes before slamming King into the steps. York blocks a throw into the post and clotheslines King. In the ring, King stomps him down. Out of the corner, York connects with another clothesline, then a chop to the chest. Kitchen sink for 2. In the corner, York hits some punches to the side of the head, hits several kicks and a chop to the chest. King tries to crawl to the outside, but York drags him back in. King gets to his feet and hits a reverse Dragon Whip. They counter each other a few times until York hits a low kick to the head. King tries a jumping roundhouse off the ropes, but York catches him and counters with a Union Jack. York goes for a burning hammer, but King rakes the eyes and rolls him up with a handful of tights for 3.
WINNER: Kenny King. Short but fun match. I’d like to see a longer match out of these two in the future.
In the back, Buddy Ray stops Sting and says he’s the only guy who trusts him. Tonight is a huge night, and Brooke needs to be happy. The thing that will make her happy is her dad walking her down the aisle. Hogan won’t talk to Ray, so Sting, please convince him to do the right thing. Sting says he will try his damnedest.
Taz leaves the broadcast booth because he’s apparently a groomsman tonight. If you’ve read the spoilers, you already know the stupid thing that happens later on.
Austin Aries is talking to himself in the mirror. Bobby Roode walks up, and they begin arguing over why neither of them is champion right now. Aries says this isn’t getting them anywhere. They’re about to go out for a stupid wedding. Where’s their celebration for carrying the company for a year. Aries says he’s wearing all black tonight, because this might turn into a funeral. He’s got a few objections, and he’s going to let them be known. Roode is going out, too, despite not being invited.
AI stops Hulk Hogan in the back, asking if he’s here for the wedding. Hogan ignores him and keeps walking away.
Back in Ray’s dressing room, Taz walks in on the rest of the group. Taz asks where “Paul” is, and Ray said he’d call back in five minutes. Hilarious. Dreamer asks Ray about Hogan, and he says Brooke is a wreck, and they both want Hogan here. Taz says Hogan is in a tough spot, since he’s the dad. Ray says that, bottom line, he’s marrying her, and his three brothers are here, so that’s all that matters.
Sting enters the Impact Zone and says that it feels great to be here. The fans have arrived on a special evening. Tonight isn’t just an ordinary night; it’s a huge night. Love is in the air. Along with all the love floating around, though, there’s some tension in the air as well. Buddy Ray has asked him to address the tension, and that’s what he’s going to do right now. If Ray is a praying man, he better start praying right now. Hulkamania, please come down here. Sting needs to talk to you.
Hogan makes his way out, and I just noticed he shaved off all of the dyed stubble. He tells Sting to cut the crap and wants to know what Sting wants from him. Let’s cut to the chase and get down to business. Sting won’t pull the wool over his eyes. They’ve been in the business a long time, wrestled all over and traveled every road possible. They’ve both had people look them in the eyes and tell them they loved them, then walked away. They’ve both had best friends that have stabbed them in the back. Lay it out so Hogan knows where you’re coming from. Sting points out that Ray has been watching both Sting and Hogan’s backs a bunch of times, not to mention come to Brooke’s aid numerous times. Hogan says that, on social media, all of his fans are on his side. Everybody is telling him to watch out for himself, Sting and Hogan’s family. When it comes to things in and out of the ring, he calls them like he sees them. He gets a bad vibe off Buddy Ray, so as far as he’s concerned, there will never be trust there. Sting tells Hogan he needs to do this for himself and, more importantly, for his daughter tonight. Hogan says he always does the right thing, brother. He drops his mic and stomps out of the ring.
We see Gail Kim approach Taryn Terrell in a dressing room. Kim asks how long she’s been here. Taryn says six months. Kim points out she’s been wrestling for 13 years, then shows iPad video from Genesis about all of the blunders Taryn made during her title match. Kim has another chance to be #1 contender, and Taryn promises to call everything down the middle. Kim tells her that she better call things down the middle or else.
We see footage from Buddy Ray’s bachelor party. He’s hanging out with strippers, and…that’s pretty much it.
MATCH 3-Winner becomes the new #1 contender for the Knockouts title: Gail Kim vs. Velvet Sky
They added words to Kim’s entrance music for no reason. Lock-up to start, and Sky gives a clean break on the ropes. Another lock-up, and Kim backs her into the corner, giving another clean break. Another lock-up, and Kim turns it into a side headlock. Sky fights out and shoulders Kim to the floor off the ropes. Back in, Kim knees Sky in the gut before throwing her to the corner. Foot choke on the top buckle. Kim goes for a fireman’s carry, but Sky counters into a sunset flip for 2. Sky ducks a clothesline and rolls Kim up in a schoolgirl for another 2. Kim is back up and she blasts Sky with a kick. Foot choke over the middle rope by Kim. Running clothesline off the ropes by Kim following a forearm strike. The Happy Ending connects for 2. Sky counters a corner charge with an axe kick and hits a suplex for 2. She goes for In Yo Face, but Kim backs her into the corner. She slams Sky’s face into the mat, then chokes her with the knee for 2. Kim applies a headscissors, then breaks the hold with a kick to the neck. Sky gets sent to the corner and blocks a charge with a boot. She goes for a bulldog, but Kim stands her ground and shoves Sky into the opposite corner. Sky rebounds and runs right into a seated dropkick. Eat Defeat connects, but Sky gets her foot under the bottom rope at 2. Kim backs Taryn into the corner to argue with the decision, and Sky pulls her to the middle of the ring with a bulldog. Pair of clotheslines and a headscissors by Sky. She hits a facebuster before connecting with In Yo Face for 3.
WINNER AND NEW #1 CONTENDER: Velvet Sky.
Dixie Carter and Brooke Hogan are in the back, and Carter’s acting is just the tops. Not to be outdone, Brooke begins her fake crying as they bawl all over each other. Dixie tells her that, no matter what, her dad loves her very much.
Jesus. There are still about 25 minutes left in this show, and we’re going into the wedding. I don’t want to recap a 25-minute wedding, or any wrestling wedding, for that matter.
The introductions for the wedding are about to start when Bobby Roode and Austin Aries make their way out instead. Roode wants to understand what’s going on here tonight. Everybody here and everybody watching at home are about to witness a wedding between Buddy Ray and Brooke Hogan. The fact is the only celebration should be going on is Roode and Aries. If it weren’t for the two of them, there wouldn’t even be a show. They are two of the greatest wrestlers on Earth. Roode is the longest-reigning champion in company history. Aries then beat said champion. Aries says that, all of the great moments of 2012 in TNA is thanks to them. Now, did they get appreciation for that? No. Did they get any thanks? No. The lack of respect this company has for himself and Roode has spawned a mutual respect for their talents. There was a time in this company when it could be proud of its champions, like when they held the title. That day is no longer. The company is taking a step 10 years in the past. You’ve got RVD as X-Division Champion. You’ve got Devon as TV Champion. You’ve got Chavo and Hernandez as Tag Team Champions, and of course, the golden child as World Champion. You can scream and paint your faces, but right now, you’re looking at the two men who make this company worth anything. The lack of respect makes them sick. Roode interjects and says they object to the wedding.
Because absolutely no one ever asked for it, Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez make their way out. Chavo says they object as well. Let it be noted the champions also object. They step into the ring and Chavo says they do not object to the wedding. They object to the statement that these two clowns are making about the champions in this company. Chavo says they are no longer champions in this country (yep). Aries wants to go back to Chavo’s objection. He’s got one, too. He didn’t know the caterers were allowed to attend the wedding reception. Roode then asks for quesadillas. The champs fake a laugh and brawl. At least Chavo finally shut the hell up. Hernandez goes for a Border Toss on Aries, but Roode pulls Aries to the floor before any further damage can be done.
I’m sure countless people will disagree with Hogan’s statement that he always does the right thing, brother. Just saying.
We’re finally ready to do this stupid-ass wedding, with 14 minutes left of show. Buddy Ray comes out first. Dreamer and Miss Tessmacher are out next, followed by Brother Runt and Mickie James, and finally, Taz with Christy Hemme. Brooke eventually comes out, looking like a giant creamsicle. She looks for her dad a few times, and he eventually does come out to walk her down. You know it’s a bad night when Mickie James comes off more slutty in a bride’s maid dress than Christy Hemme or Miss Tessmacher. The segment goes through the standard wedding crap, and Hogan officially gives Brooke away. More standard wedding processions, and I notice this minister looks like an even more weasily version of Johnny Knoxville. We get to the exchanging of vows as I drift off. Brooke’s acting is atrocious. Hogan is stroking his beard like a pedophile in the background. Ray gives some generic “You are the one” speech. As you can tell, I’m not invested in this segment at all. The minister gets to the “is there anyone who doesn’t think…” part, and no one interrupts. Brooke says “I do”, and Ray does the same. Before the minister makes it official, Taz interrupts. He can’t take this anymore. He asks if Ray is sure he wants to do this. Ray says yes. Taz’s second question is, is it just him, or is it hot in here? Taz takes his jacket off, and in one of the stupidest heel turns in wrestling history, he turns around to reveal he’s wearing an Aces and Eights vest. A and E hit the ring and destroy the wedding party. Mike Knox and DOC hold onto Brooke and make her watch the beating. Knox, by the way, is showing no ill-effects from having taken a ball-peen hammer shot to the hand last week. Devon knocks Ray out with a pedestal. Brooke forgot to not smile while she was fake crying. Sting apparently joined the fight at some point, but was also taken out.
End of show.
And just like that, Taz’s remaining sliver of credibility is gone. Way to go, Peter.
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