This week’s edition of Impact Wrestling opens up with Sting, which leads me to believe we’ll get a long-winded promo full of nonsensical yelling. Sting is accompanied by Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe, and this leads me to believe the main event will be made into a 6-man. Sting says he told the world he’d come back last week, and he did. That was the beginning, and he’s just getting started.
This Sunday at Genesis, he’s looking for DOC. As for tonight, he’s feeling a little bit frisky. He didn’t come alone, bringing his close friends. Aces and Eights, you are invited to come get some. Joe takes the mic and says that, last week, A and E may have had him out manned, but they learned they didn’t have him outdone. Tonight, he’s putting them on notice. When you get in Joe’s face, Joe is going to beat you down, and Joe is going to choke you out. Angle’s turn, and he made a promise this year that all masks would come off and expose A and E for the cowards that they are. He started last week, and tonight, he wants to expose someone else. That man stood outside the cage and did nothing, and he wants to know where this man stands. Mr. Anderson, why don’t you come out and explain whose side you’re on.
Tonight, Gut Check returns, and this time, it’s two contestants facing off against each other. The first is Jay Bradley, who is a former WWE developmental talent, and has been in the business for probably a decade or so.
Brooke Hogan arrives in a golf cart, and AI stops him to ask what’s going on with daddy. She says she’s going to talk to her dad, then answers the phone. Bully Ray is apparently on the other end.
MATCH 1-X-Division tournament semifinal: Zema Ion vs. Kenny King
Ion gets the jobber non-entrance (as he should), so he’s going down. King backs Ion into the corner and hits a kneelift. He counters a corner charge by backdropping Ion to the apron, then knocking him off with a kick to the head. King misses a corkscrew plancha to the floor, but lands on his feet. Ion then botches a somersault plancha to the floor. Back in, King recovers, hits a stun gun, then knocks Ion down with a roundhouse. During this series, Mike Tenay announces that TNA will only have four pay-per-views this year. Back to the match, King gets 2. King hits a northern lights and rolls through for some mounted punches for 2. Ion sends King into the corner, but misses an attack through the ropes and lands on the apron, he ducks a King roundhouse and hotshots him. Ion lands the tornado DDT through the ropes for 2. King recovers and goes for the Royal Flush, but Ion counters into a small package for 2. Ion goes for his back suplex into a facebreaker, but botches it and drives King head-first into the mat for 2. Ion sucks so much. Up top, Ion misses the 450 splash. King gets back up and hits the Royal Flush for 3.
WINNER: Kenny King. After the match, King tells the crowd that Christy Hemme will announces him on Sunday as the new X-Division Champion.
The Robbies are in the back, and E is complaining about everything bad happening to him. Tonight, Jesse and Tara have challenged him to a mixed tag match. He asks Miss Tessmacher to be his partner, and she tells him he disgusts her. E says he’ll do in anything, and Tessy agrees, but on the condition that she tag with a winner instead, meaning Robbie T.
Joseph Park enters the building, and he’s all excited about being back and being able to wrestle. When he walks in and sees Hulk Hogan tonight, it won’t be as an attorney, it’ll be as a wrestler. He goes into the building, but the door is locked.
MATCH 2-Mixed Tag Team Match: Jesse and Knockouts Champion Tara vs. Miss Tessmacher and Robbie T (w/Robbie E)
The guys start, and Jesse attacks from behind. T shoves him away before hitting a hip toss and a bodyslam. Tara tags in, so Tessy has to come in as well. Tessy hits some clotheslines, then humps Tara’s face in the corner before hitting the Shout-Out. Stinkface follows, and Tara tags out. T throws Jesse to the corner, then hits a powerbomb for the 3.
WINNERS: Miss Tessmacher and Robbie T. T and Tessy decide to dance after the match while E looks on. Then they make out. Hooray.
We hear from the second Gut Check contestant, that being an indy wrestler from California named Brian Cage. Cage is also a former WWE developmental talent, and he was released in 2009 for what is listed as “unknown reasons”. I’ve noticed that both guys tonight have some of the douchiest facial hair you’ve ever seen.
MATCH 3-Gut Check: Brian Cage vs. Jay Bradley
Bradley backs Cage into the corner, so Cage shoves him. They go back to a lock-up, and Bradley goes into a waistlock. Cage counters into a hammerlock, and Bradley counters that into a waistlock takedown. Bradley rolls Cage up for 1, then applies a front chancery. Cage counters into a crucifix for 2. They both get up and trade forearms and European uppercuts. Cage goes for a rolling elbow, but Bradley sees it coming and boots him away. He follows up with a mafia kick, then stomps Cage down. Bodyslam by Bradley, followed by a jumping kneedrop. Cage counters a lariat with a dropkick, sending Bradley to the apron. Cage hits a superplex from the middle rope, then hits a twisting flying elbow to the back for 2. Bradley ducks a rolling elbow and hits a lariat that he calls The Boomstick for 3.
WINNER: Jay Bradley. “The Boomstick” may just be the best name for a finisher in wrestling history.
We’re in the A and E clubhouse, and everyone is chatting until Mr. Anderson interrupts thing. He says there’s a time and place to have a good time, but tonight is not it. Something needs to be done about Kurt Angle. Black Scorpion says Anderson is right, but tonight is not about personal beefs; it’s about club business. They enter the area where the poker table is, and BS says that tonight, the first order of business is Mike Knox. Angle took his mask last week after BS told everyone to not ever lose their masks. Knox starts to make excuses, but no one wants to hear it. When DOC lost his mask, he had to earn his spot, and tonight, Knox will have the same opportunity. Either make it right, or there’s trouble.
Joseph Park is in the ring, and he’s back from wrestling camp, thankfully in one piece. At this point in time, he respectfully requests that GM Hulk Hogan come to the ring, please. Hogan hobbles his way down and congratulates Park on his short stint in wrestling school, but he’s got business to deal with, so let’s make this quick. Park knows Hogan has bigger things to deal with, but he just wanted to thank Hogan to give him the motivation to go to wrestling camp and be trained professionally. He’d also like to thank Danny Davis for whipping him into shape and giving him a solid foundation. He knows he’s still considered a green hornet, but tonight, he’s in the ring, begging Hogan. He’s not here as a lawyer; he’s here as a wrestler. Hogan says he needs a couple more years before he’s ready. Park tells Hogan to listen to the crowd, then says he did everything he was supposed to do to become a wrestler. His business is in Impact Wrestling with Aces and Eights. He wants a match with a member of A and E, and Hogan grants it to him.
As Park leaves, Brooke Hogan appears on the big screen. She can’t believe her dad wants to deal with this in public, but that’s fine. She’s coming out to the ring right now to deal with this. She heads to the ring and says Hogan hasn’t answered her text messages or voicemails. He’s her father, and he’s never done this before. She has a question, and his answer will determine their relationship for a very long time. Hogan tells her to just ask it already. She asks if he’s going to reinstate Mark (Bully Ray), or keep this up like a personal vendetta. Hogan has an answer, and the answer is no. He storms out of the ring as Brooke does an awful job pretending to cry.
Austin Aries and Bobby Roode are walking towards the ring, arguing about who has a better t-shirt. Then they argue about who is going to wear what to the ring. Aries cuts off the argument and says they can agree they deserve to be champion more than Hardy or Storm. He calls them a “wet dream team”, so tonight, they need to be professionals and take care of their problem, and then deal with the problems between them. This leads to more arguing about wardrobes.
Video package for the triple threat match at Genesis, featuring comments from Aries and Hardy. For some reason, Roode is completely absent from this video, despite also being in the match.
MATCH 4: Bobby Roode and Austin Aries vs. James Storm and World Champion Jeff Hardy
Roode and Hardy start the match, and Roode applies a side headlock. Shoulder off the ropes by Roode, and a crisscross ends with a hiptoss by Hardy. Another crisscross, and Hardy shoulders Roode down. Roode forces a tag to Aries, and Aries trips Hardy before applying a front chancery. Hardy backs Aries into a corner, then hits a spinning headscissors out of the opposite corner. Hardy hits atomic drops on both heels, then tags Storm in, and they hit a double back elbow on Roode. Poetry in Motion on Aries, and Aries is tied up in the ropes, upside down. Roode helps him down, and he lands on his back on the floor. The heels are arguing as we go to commercial.
We’re back, and Hardy & Roode are the legal men. Hardy goes for the Botch in the Wind, but Aries grabs his foot from the apron. Hardy kicks him to the floor, and Roode crotches Hardy, sending him to the mat. Roode stomps Hardy down, and Aries tags himself in. Aries hits an elbow from the top rope, then begins working on Hardy’s left leg. Aries applies the front chancery once more, then sends Hardy into Roode’s boot before making the tag. Hardy manages to get Roode in a sunset flip, but the referee is arguing with Aries. He turns around to make the pin, but only counts to 2. Roode rebounds and makes the fake tag to Aries, who gets 2. He tags Roode back in, and Roode hits a bodyslam, followed by a Vader Bomb for 2. Aries back in, and he hits a corkscrew elbow from the middle rope for 2. Aries begins boxing Hardy’s ears before Roode tags in. Roode hits a suplex and a jumping kneedrop. Aries back in, and he hits a back suplex and a kneedrop from the bottom rope. Roode tags himself back in, and Hardy blocks the dive by getting his feet up. Hardy hits a reverse enziguri and tags in Storm as Aries tags in. Storm does the hot tag offense. Side-Russian legsweep on Roode, followed by a back body drop. Alabama Slam on Aries before Storm charges in on Roode. Roode backdrops him to the apron, but Storm lands on his feet and kicks Roode in the head. Storm hits a neckbreaker off the ropes for 2, but Aries tries to break up the pin, Storm hits him with Closing Time, sending Aries to the floor. He signals for the Last Call, but Christopher Daniels shows up out of nowhere and jumps on the apron. As the referee is telling him to leave, Kazarian pulls Storm out of the ring. Storm sends Kaz into the steps, and as Daniels comes in from behind, Storm turns around and fights him off. In the ring, Hardy hits the sit-out Twist of Fate on Roode. He calls for the standard version, but Aries clobbers him in the back of the head with the title belt, causing the DQ.
WINNERS VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Jeff Hardy and James Storm. The heels continue to attack Hardy after the match, then fight over who is going to hold the belts over their heads.
Brooke Hogan is in the back, on her phone once more. She’s apparently on the phone with Bully Ray again, and she’s telling him not to come here, then tells him to pick her up outside the office.
Up next, Mr. Anderson faces Kurt Angle.
Joey Ryan and Matt Morgan are in the back, and Ryan is telling everyone they’re winning the gold, and that size matters. Before Morgan can start speaking, Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez attack them from behind.
Another video for the triple threat match at Genesis. We hear from Hardy and “Toolbox” Mike Tenay. Once again, Roode’s presence is non-existent.
MATCH 5: Mr. Anderson vs. Kurt Angle
Man, did I not miss Anderson being gone from TNA. Can’t they just please give up on him already? Anderson slides to the floor before the bell rings, so Angle gets on the mic and asks him when he turned into a bitch. He tells Anderson to get his ugly ass in the ring, and the referee audibly tells him to watch his language. Before Anderson does that, Mike Knox hits the ring and attacks Angle with the ball-peen hammer.
WINNER: No contest. Knox continues to attack Angle until the Wonder Twins hit the ring and chase him off. Samoa Joe joins them after Knox has already left, which is kind of pointless. Meanwhile, the rest of A and E are waiting for Knox at ringside, congratulating him. The medics come out, as apparently Angle was hit right across the neck, and they are hauling him out on a body board. Just to make this clear, I’m only referring to Knox as such because, thus far, TNA has not given him a name. Just pointing that out. We then see a replay of Knox hitting Angle in the neck. I’m no doctor, but last time I checked, the back of the shoulder is not the same as the neck.
As Angle is being hauled away, Sting’s music hits, bat in hand. He tells Devon that if he calls off his troops, Sting will call off his own if he can have Knox right now. Well, I guess TNA is going to call him Knox as well.
MATCH 6: Mike Knox vs. Sting
Before the bell rings, Sting hits Knox in the gut with his bat. As referee Earl Hebner takes the bat and the hammer away, Knox kicks Sting in the knee, and the match is officially underway. As Knox continues the attack, it dawns on me that, with his shaved head, beard and ring gear, he resembles former WWF bad idea Xanta Klaus (aka Balls Mahoney). Knox fires off lefts and rights in the corner, then drops Sting with a clothesline. Gotta love the stupid “Let’s go, Sti-ing!” chants in the crowd. Knox chokes Sting over the middle rope, then drops a leg across his back. Sting rolls to the floor and Knox follows. Sting fights back, sending Knox into the steps. I realize Knox has gained a lot of weight over the years (and this was reportedly one of the reasons WWE fired him), but man, he is fatter than holy hell at this point. Sting sends Knox into the steps once more, then a third time for good measure. Sting drags Knox to the other side of the ring and slams him into the guardrail. He hits a Stinger Splash against the guardrail before throwing Knox back in. He goes for the Scorpion Deathlock, but Knox boots him off into the corner, where he hits an avalanche. Sting no-sells the avalanche and sends Knox face-first into the opposite corner, where he hits a slow-motion Stinger Splash across the back. Sting hits the Scorpion Death Drop and gets the 3.
WINNER: Sting. Totally pointless squash. Granted, Knox should be used to being the recipient of these after so many years. Anyway, Sting grabs the hammer and begins assaulting Knox with it, but before Sting can brain Knox with it, Devon cuts him off and tells him to think twice. He and the rest of the group are holding Brooke Hogan hostage. Devon tells Sting that, if he comes any closer, the next time we see Brooke, we won’t recognize her. That could only be an improvement. Devon then tells Brooke to, “Shut up, bitch!”, which makes me laugh. He asks Sting who is in control. He told us 2013 would be Aces and Eights’ year, and they will reign supreme just like in 2012. On this note, Bully Ray runs down to ringside with his chain and hits one of the gang members. The rest throw Brooke into his arms before they flee. Meanwhile, we see Hogan standing on the stage, stroking his dyed stubble.
Ray is so wound up he’s almost at a loss for words. He knows this is happening so quickly. Hogan throws down his microphone, and Ray says he can do the same thing. He knows things have moved quickly, but screw it. He pulls Brooke in between them and says he’s not good with feelings and emotions. He knows he’s a hard ass, but when Ray is with Brooke, things are different. She makes him laugh. Ray then gets down on one knee and presents a ring to Brooke. He tells her he loves her. He knows their entire relationship has played out in front of the world, and he doesn’t care. He wants everyone to know how much he loves her, and wants her to marry him. Brooke says yes, and they make out in the ring. Ray says he wants to marry her next week in front of everyone. They continue doing the worst fake make-out job in history as Hogan walks away, grunting.
End of show.
I don’t ever want to see Brooke Hogan, Bully Ray and Hulk Hogan involved in the same storyline ever again. This Hogan Family Verbal Fellatio Fest is too much to handle.
As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx ,and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:
Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.
[amazon_link id=”B00A4Y61LO” target=”_blank” container=”” container_class=”” ]WWE: Royal Rumble 2013 DVD[/amazon_link]
[amazon_link id=”B0099114V0″ target=”_blank” container=”” container_class=”” ]WWE: Raw 100 – The Top 100 Moments in Raw History[/amazon_link]
[amazon_link id=”B008IG0ESG” target=”_blank” container=”” container_class=”” ]WWE: CM Punk Best in the World DVD[/amazon_link]