This week’s Impact Wrestling opened with Dixie Carter heading to the ring, flanked by EC3, Rockstar Spud and Magnus. She says that she didn’t lose one moment of sleep over MVP’s idle threats against her. Do these people think she could ever lose control over any part of her company? She has something he will never have: the TNA World Champion, Magnus. EC3 says she also has an equally-stunning nephew, who has officially ended the career of Olympic gold medalist Kurt Angle. Magnus introduces himself and says he is the first British World Champion, and it is so good to be back in Manchester.
[adinserter block=”1″]It’s good because it will be one whole year before he has to be back here and perform on front of dirty, disgusting slobs. These fans make him ashamed to be British. He is not from the north, and he is not a paper champion. What he is is a man who recognizes opportunity, and there is no opportunity here, unless you count the opportunity to be smacked in the mouth by the World champ. But this wonderful woman is from the land of opportunity, and she was flipping through a magazine when she saw his wonderful visage. She said she would jump on a plane that night, sign that man to a deal and change his life forever. Now, onto more important business, that being the new investor, one MVP. He doesn’t know you are or what jail cell you came from, but a few ground rules need to be established, as well as a pecking order. The order is as follows: the champ, the president, everyone nipping at his heels, and then MVP. MVP can’t buy him, because he’s not for sale. He’s one man, one champion, and he does not sell out.
MVP’s music hits, and he’s flanked by Samoa Joe. MVP says that, if Magnus can’t be bought, he must’ve bought Dixie, and if that’s the case, MVP hopes he got a discount for all the mileage she’s run up. Standing next to him is Joe, who happens to be the #1 contender for Magnus’ title. MVP is pleased to announce that Magnus will face Joe for the title at Lockdown.
Gunner comes out a moment later, case in-hand. He apologizes for interrupting, then tells Magnus they’re tired of seeing a paper champion in Manchester. It seems Magnus is ready to work, and Gunner is sick of carrying his briefcase around. He gives Magnus the benefit of the doubt and gives him seven days to prepare himself. Next week, Gunner is cashing in, and the winner faces Joe at Lockdown. Dixie cuts him off and says Gunner may not be in control of that case next week. No one told him he’s in a match tonight against EC3, and the case will be up for grabs in that match. MVP says he’s cool with that, and wants to play along. Her nephew, “C3PO”, has a case of his own. In that case is a shot at the TNA World Tag Team titles. He’s sure Gunner and James Storm would love to be tag champs. So, let’s get a ladder, put both briefcases up there, and play a game of “winner-take-all”. He can get along with Dixie, and one more thing. He’s sure EC3 has some plan to get out of this, so MVP is going to watch the match. If he sees EC3 pull anything, he’ll make sure to level the playing field.
MATCH 1-Ladder Match for the World and World Tag Team Championship briefcases: Ethan Carter III (holder of the Tag Title case) vs. Gunner (holder of the World title case)
EC3 immediately goes to the floor, and Gunner cuts him off. EC3 suckers him back into the ring, hits a few punches and runs into a high knee. Gunner hits a back elbow, misses a clothesline, then catches EC3 in a fall-away slam. Gunner heads outside for a ladder and heads back to the ring, where EC3 hits a dropkick from the apron onto the ladder. Back in the ring, EC3 sets up the ladder and begins climbing. Gunner cuts him off, then throws him head-first into the buckles. He does this two more times, then nails a forearm before grabbing the ladder. He rams it into EC3’s midsection, then leans it in the corner. EC3 comes back with a boot and goes for a corner whip. Gunner reverses, sending EC3 back-first across the ladder. They fight over control until EC3 knocks Gunner away with some rights. He then sidesteps a charge, sending Gunner into the ladder. EC3 goes to set up the ladder once more and begins to climb, but Gunner grabs him in a powerbomb. Gunner climbs up when Magnus rolls into the ring and knocks the ladder down. He begins stomping Gunner, and that’s when James Storm hits the ring. He throws EC3 to the floor before trying a Last Call on Magnus. Magnus sees it coming and bails to the floor. MVP comes out and tells Magnus and EC3 he wasn’t playing. He gave them warning, and they defied him. Since they’re acting as a team, he’ll treat them as such, since the two men in the ring are an actual team. He said he wouldn’t let this match get thrown out, so it will continue, but now it will be a tag team match, with both cases on the line. Who does MVP think he is, Teddy Long?
WINNER: No contest.
MATCH 2-Tag Team Ladder Match: Ethan Carter III and World Champion Magnus vs. Gunner and James Storm (both cases are on the line)
After some commercials, the match is already in progress. Storm rolls Magnus into the ring, where Gunner throws a ladder at him. He and Storm then clothesline EC3 with the ladder. Gunner begins to climb, but Magnus pulls him down. Magnus goes for a uranage, but gets the back of his head slammed into the ladder. Magnus folds it up and begins driving it into Gunner’s midsection. He leans it on the ropes, and EC3 sets Gunner across before heading up top. Magnus holds up the ladder, and EC3 hits a splash on Gunner on the ladder. Magnus drops Gunner across the ladder with a gourdbuster, and EC3 does the same thing. Magnus holds the ladder over his shoulder and drives it into Gunner’s face. Magnus hits a legdrop, and EC3 follows up with an elbow. Gunner gets thrown to the floor, and now EC3 sets up the ladder. He starts to climb, but Magnus pulls him back down. They begin arguing, and EC3 tries to climb again. Magnus pulls him down and climbs. They take turns doing this, which leads to more arguing. Storm makes it back into the ring and begins nailing both with rights. Magnus gets clotheslined to the floor, and now Storm lays the ladder down. He and Gunner hit a double hiptoss on EC3 onto the ladder, and now Gunner calls for the Gun Rack. Magnus puts a stop to that and dumps Gunner outside. Storm nails him with a clothesline, sending them both to the floor. EC3 is back in, and he sets up the ladder. Gunner is on the apron, and he hits EC3 with a standing uranage across the top rope. He connects with a top rope headbutt, and now Gunner climbs up and pulls both cases down.
WINNERS: Gunner and James Storm, with Gunner now holding both championship cases.
AI is in the back with Mr. Anderson, asking what tonight is all about. Anderson says what it’s not about is a club or a championship; it’s about what Anderson has that Bully Ray doesn’t: family. He then shows a picture of his two babies and says it’s about them.
We see the Bromans and Zema Ion knocking on Dixie Carter’s office door. They open the door, and Rockstar Spud is taping the room off, one half for Dixie and one for MVP, with him making sure Dixie gets the bigger half. Jesse then asks how Gunner and Storm are now holding the Tag title case, as they had an agreement with EC3. They’re now worried that Gunner and Storm will cash in on them at any time. Spud tells them it’s under control, and that’s when MVP walks in and tells them all Dixie’s promises are worth less and less every day. Spud threatens with lawyers, and MVP could care less. He says fairness is all about settling things in the ring. If lawyers are brought in, MVP could be fair and strip the Bromans of the titles. Instead, he proposes a 6-man match with the Bromans and Zema Ion vs. the Wolves (I guess the “American” part has been dropped) and a mystery partner. They’ll find out who that partner is next. They won’t like the partner, and neither will Dixie.
MATCH 3: World Tag Team Champions the Bromans (Jesse & Robbie E) and Zema Ion vs. The Wolves (Eddie Edwards & Davey Richards) and Samoa Joe
A brawl breaks out between both sides. Joe immediately throws Ion out as Edwards does the same to E. Richards hits a variation of the Tidal Crush on Jesse, then tags in Edwards. Edwards hits a right and tags in Richards, who throws Jesse into a Joe headbutt for 2. Edwards back in, and Jesse rakes the eyes. E tags in and gets hit with a hurricanrana. Edwards blasts him with some chops, dodges a clothesline, kicks E in the knee and lands a running dropkick for 1. Richards back in, and the Wolves hit a mounted chop for 2. Ion nails Richards with a kick to the back, and Richards grabs him by the hair before hitting a headbutt. E attacks Richards from behind and stomps him down in the corner. Ion tags in, hits a series of elbows to the back of the head, but then gets hit with a series of rights. Ion comes back with a kneelift, then sends Richards head-first into the second buckle before the heels hit a triple-knee to the head. Jesse tags in and pie-faces Richards hitting a front Warrior Press. E tags in and hits a weak elbow drop from the middle rope for 2 as Joe breaks up the pin. E applies a rear chinlock, but Richards elbows his way out. E recovers and hits a running back elbow for 2. Jesse comes in for an illegal tag and double-team, but Richards sees him coming, sends him head-first into E, then nails E with a dropkick. Joe tags in, as does Ion. Joe hits him with a pair of clotheslines, a back elbow, an inverted atomic drop, a running boot and a running senton. Joe hits a series of kneelifts to the face, then snaps off a quick powerslam for 2 as the Bromans try to break it up. They miss a pair of elbows as Joe moves out of the way, and the Wolves come in, sending both members of the Bromans to the floor. The Wolves follow up with a pair of suicide dives. In the ring, Joe misses a corner clothesline, but connects with a standing uranage. He locks in the Kokina Clutch, and Ion quickly taps.
WINNERS: Samoa Joe and the Wolves. So, Dixie signs one of the hottest teams in pro wrestling, then in their debut match, has them do almost nothing but kicks and punches. Yes, she clearly knows what she is doing.
We see Abyss in the back, headed out to the ring. He stops on his way to choke out a stagehand.
In Dixie’s/MVP’s office, she is looking over some paperwork, telling MVP that his typing annoys her. Velvet Sky walks in and says that Chris Sabin is taking things way too far tonight by proposing a match between Sky and himself. She begs Dixie to call this match off, since she’s always been such a big supporter of the Knockouts (*snickers*). Dixie says that’s true, but unfortunately, she learned a lesson from her partner today, and that’s that you don’t get paid to sit in the back, doing nothing but look pretty. Sky leaves, and MVP has a problem with that. Dixie says she wishes MVP was still wrestling so someone could put him through a table. Rockstar Spud calls him washed-up, then says if MVP was a wrestler, Spud would put him in his place. MVP points out that Spud is a wrestler, and MVP remembers the rule that you always bring your gear. They’re going to have a match, and it will be next. Spud tries to get Dixie to call it off, but she tells him he put himself in that place.
We get a video package for the never-ending saga of Eric Young and Joe Abyss, culminating in the Monster’s Ball last week.
Abyss makes his way down to the ring, and even though he has his hood on, you can see he’s no longer wearing his Mankind-Lite mask. He tells the production crew to keep the lights dimmed, then says he’s sorry. He never wanted things to happen this way, but his “good buddy” EY wanted to prove that Abyss and Joseph Park were one in the same. Well, come down and see what you’ve done.
EY obliges, treading carefully in the process and stopping at ringside. He says he was just trying to help. Abyss asks him what’s the matter, and why he won’t get closer to Abyss. Is he afraid? EY gets in the ring and stands right next to Abyss. He says he proved last week that he’s not afraid of anything. What he doesn’t understand is what’s going on here. Joseph Park asked for help finding Abyss, and that’s what EY did. Abyss holds up his mask (complete with hair extensions) and calls it the reality of what EY did last week. It’s the reality, and yeah, EY proved that Park is Abyss. EY says he proved that Abyss is friend. He loves Abyss the same as the fans do. What he proved is that Abyss and Park are the same person. When he pulled the mask off last week, he showed Abyss exactly who he is. Abyss asks EY who the hell he is. Better yet, who the hell is EY? Unless EY has been there or knows what he’s talking about…Abyss has carved his body to bits. He’s destroyed people’s lives. He’s destroyed careers. He’s left carnage wherever he goes. Look at the scars on his arms. They tell the story. The blood, the tacks, the barbed wire…EY, Park can’t be him anymore. He can’t do what Abyss did anymore with a conscience. The violence, the blood, the destruction…Park can’t be him anymore. What he needs is help. EY says they’ve come this far. Let’s finish this together. He can help. Abyss says he doesn’t need or want EY’s help. They are done. What Abyss needs to do is go away. He needs to go away and fix this. He needs to fix EY’s mistake. He needs to find somebody who truly understands him. Yeah…he’s gonna find somebody who truly understands him, and he’s gonna fix this. Abyss picks up his mask, then immediately drops it back down before leaving the ring.
As I said, never-ending. Where’s Falcor and Rock-Biter when you need them?
We see footage of Christy Hemme in the building from earlier today. Samuel Shaw walks up and helps her load a bag into a truck, then says he’s just trying to help. He agrees with what she said last week, and thinks they should keep it professional. He shakes her hand, then walks away, sniffing his hand the entire time.
MATCH 4: Rockstar Spud vs. MVP
Spud bails to the floor before the bell rings, then hesitates re-entering the ring. Referee Brian Hebner tells Spud he needs to get in the ring as MVP steals Austin Aries’ taunt in the corner. Spud crawls in, but then slides back to the floor. MVP heads out and chases him around the ring until Spud crawls back in. As MVP comes in, Spud cuts him off with punches. The bell ring, and Spud kicks MVP in the leg before nailing some rights and raking the face. He slaps MVP, and MVP comes back with a pancake. MVP hits a double-chop to the throat, followed by a facebreaker. He hits the Ballin’ Elbow, then follows up with the Drive-By Kick for 3.
We see Bobby Roode in the back, screaming for Dixie Carter. He searches a few rooms with no luck before continuing to another part of the arena.
We get a video for a “new wrestler” named Willow. If you know your history, you know this is Jeff Hardy, using the same gimmick that got him booed completely out of ROH after just one match against Kirby Mack.
We see Dixie on her phone, screaming to the other person about MVP driving her crazy. Before she can finish, Bobby Roode barges into the room. Roode says they had a deal and he held up his end of it. She owes him a title shot. Dixie reminds him he lost his shot to Joe last week, and Roode is just a sore loser. Roode throws a garbage can, then says she promised him she’d have his back like he had hers. She owes him a World title shot. She says she doesn’t owe him anything. Roode tells her she doesn’t want him as her enemy. She doesn’t want him against her. She whispers that she understands, and Roode storms off.
MATCH 5-Intergender Match: Velvet Sky vs. Chris Sabin
Before the match starts, Sabin says that because he’s a kind-hearted, sexy individual and a gentleman, he’s going to allow her the first shot for free. Sabin antagonizes her for a minute, then says he doesn’t know what he ever saw in her. She’s nothing but a skank (true story). Sabin challenges her, so she kicks him in the knee. She then kicks him in the nuts, and Sabin calls her a no-class piece of trash. That’s why he came prepared, he then pulls a cup out of his shorts and shows it to the crowd, laughing the entire time. As he turns around, Sky hits him with a low blow. She then mounts him (heh) for some right hands. A moment later, a big blonde woman gets in the ring and nails Sky from behind. She hits Sky with a big boot, and Sabin tells her to finish Sky off. She locks Sky in a full-nelson, then begins swinging her around before dropping her face-first on the mat. Sabin dances a version of the Charleston, and this woman makes the 3-count.
WINNER: No contest, as the match never officially got started. The woman hoists Sabin on her shoulders. After a quick search, I learn that the blonde is a German worker who goes by the gimmick of Alpha Female.
We see Bully Ray in the back, and he enters a dressing room full of suitcases. He finds Mr. Anderson’s passport on one of the bags, then pulls out Anderson’s phone. He looks at a picture, then makes a phone call, because Anderson apparently doesn’t know how to lock the damn thing. The person on the other line answers, and Ray responds that this isn’t “your honey” (I’m assuming it’s supposed to be Anderson’s wife on the other line), then says this is the phone call Mrs. Anderson has been dreading her entire life. When her husband comes home to her, he’ll be in a coffin. BTW, tell the twins daddy says goodbye.
AI is in a dressing room with Bobby Roode, asking what happened with him and Dixie. Roode says he flipped out and lost it. He can’t handle this anymore, and it needs to come to an end. Everything needs to come to an end. This is too much for him right now, and it’s over. He needs some time to think and maybe figure something out for next week. Two security guards enter the room and tell him he needs to go, per Dixie’s orders. Roode obliges.
MATCH 6-Casket Match: Bully Ray vs. Mr. Anderson
I’m pretty sure Christy Hemme just announced Ray as “Bonnie Ray”. Guess she’s a Firefly fan. Pretty sure the casket isn’t big enough to hold Ray, so we may already know the winner of this match. How many different version of the “Pro Wrestling is Real…” shirts does Anderson need when they all say the exact same damn thing? We learn Dixie has a buyout offer for MVP at the conclusion of this match. Ray takes his sweatshirt and reveals a Liverpool football jersey for some cheap heat. Anderson tackles him at the opening bell, nailing him with rights. He hits a clothesline out of the corner, follows up with another one and a swinging neckbreaker. Anderson rips the jersey off, then chokes Ray with it. Anderson hits a hiptoss out of the corner, then stomps on the jersey as Ray slides to the floor. Outside, Ray attacks Anderson from behind as we go to commercials.
Back from the break, Anderson is in the ring with a chair as Ray is in the corner. Anderson charges, and Ray boots the chair into his face. Ray grabs another chair, and Anderson swings his into Ray’s causing Ray to hit himself in the face. I notice Anderson’s tights appear to say D.T.O.M. I don’t know what that means, but considering this is Anderson we’re talking about, it’s probably something really stupid that isn’t worth my time, so let’s get back to the match. Anyway, Anderson heads outside, moves the casket over and pulls a table out from under the ring. He slides the table in and begins setting it up near the ropes. He turns around and walks right into a big boot. Anderson’s mouth is busted open. Ray nails a couple of rights before wiping the blood on his own face. He challenges Anderson to fight him, then nails some more rights before moving the table near the corner. Ray drops to the floor, takes the lid off the casket, then slides it under the bottom rope. This casket must way about 10 pounds. In the ring now, Anderson mounts the top rope, but Ray quickly crotches him before slamming a chair across his back. Ray heads to the middle rope and hits a superplex. Ray puts Anderson in the casket and goes for the lid, but Anderson blocks him from sealing the casket up. Ray turns the lid on its side and jams it into Anderson’s face. The lid appears to be made of poster board, at best. Ray sets the lid on top of the table, then screams incoherently before grabbing a chair and telling Anderson to die. Anderson sits up and nails him in the Jack Johnson with a right hand. Ray no-sells it and rams a chair into Anderson’s gut. He goes for a powerbomb, and even though Anderson tries to fight it off, Ray connects, sending Anderson right through the table in the process. Ray pulls the casket to the middle of the ring as a “This is awesome” chant breaks out, proving that TNA fans pretty much think any stupid thing is awesome as long as it’s happening right in front of them. Ray sets Anderson up in the casket for a piledriver, but Anderson escapes and hits a Mic Check into the casket. I guess Ray does fit. How about that? Anderson throws the jersey in there as well, then botches closing it up with the lid before doing it half-way right the second time, breaking the lid in the process.
WINNER: Mr. Anderson.
[adinserter block=”2″]We see Dixie and MVP in their office. MVP says he had fun with Spud, then asks if he has regained consciousness. Dixie wants to cut to the chase and says that, ever since MVP invested his money in TNA, he’s been using that to leverage himself into wrestling operations. Well, that’s gonna stop. She knows MVP has no tolerance for her, but she has ZERO tolerance for him, because ZERO tolerance is way more than no tolerance. So, she has a little proposal for him, and wants to buy his shares of TNA. She says wrestlers aren’t very good business, but she was hoping even he would be better than that. She hands him a contract and says all he has to do is sign, and she’ll wire the money over tomorrow. She says it’s a significant amount of money, and MVP agrees after looking at the contract. His portion of profits from this would be his biggest payday ever. She says that’s because he’s a wrestler and she’s an entrepreneur (snickers), but MVP can be more than that if he just signs this. MVP says he didn’t come here to make TNA a better company. It’s not about money. He wants TNA to reach its maximum potential, and he hasn’t even scratched the surface. Dixie wants to know what he’s thinking. What he’s thinking is that, while the offer is substantial, no can do. He crumples the contract up as she calls him crazy. As a wrestler, he says that’s partially true. Now, he has a solution to their little problem: Lethal Lockdown, his team vs. her team with the winner taking over total control of TNA. Dixie says no. He tells her she needs to focus on the business end while he runs the wrestling end. She wants his shares. He wants control, and she has a decision to make right now. She tells him, “You’re gonna get what you wish for, but it’s not gonna be what you wanted.” Does she ever recite the things she says in her head before she says them out loud? She really should. Where’s Wrestlecrap’s screen-grab of Man Mountain Rock when I need it? MVP tells her she’ll be surprised when this is over who ends up running things and who ends up running away. Then they fight over what side of the table the flowers are on. No, really.
End of show.
Dustin Nichols is a freelance writer, and you can keep track of all of his work on his Facebook page, which can be found at www.facebook.com/DustinNicholsWriter. Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out his mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:
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