This week’s episode of Impact is the final episode of the year. Unfortunately, it’s not the final episode ever. But I digress.
Tonight, Lei’D Tapa faces ODB, and Joseph Park takes on Bad Influence in a 2-on-1 Monster’s Ball.
Chief-of-Staff Rockstar Spud makes his way down to the ring. He says it’s his esteemed pleasure to introduce to us the woman responsible for all of this. She is the equivalent of Lady Gaga, Santa Claus and the Queen herself. She’s everyone’s queen, the president of TNA, Madame Dixie Carter.
Dixie comes down, looking as frumpy as ever. She compliments Spud on his on his introduction and says it’s all true. It’s been a great seven days. Last week, TNA made history in the crowning of the greatest World Champion ever. She knows everyone wanted Santa Claus to bring the title to Jeff Hardy, but the right and deserving man won. Everyone looks up to Magnus as a role model, but more importantly, every wrestler in her company looks up to Magnus. He is the top man in Dixie Land. She’s been posting videos all week, promising a big announcement. Next week, she has something very special planned…
Before she can finish, Jeff Hardy limps his way down to the ring. Dixie says no one wants to hear from him, and he’s interrupting her announcement. She calls him a loser. Hardy says he doesn’t care about her champion. Everyone saw what Magnus became last week. What she did last week will haunt her. Spud tells him this isn’t on the schedule. He doesn’t know who Hardy thinks he is, but there is no time for this. This is Dixie Carter. She is the queen and president, and Hardy is out of order. As the Chief-of-Staff, Spud wants Hardy to take all of his “creatures”, stick them up his backside, and get out of this ring, and then maybe, Spud will give him a bit of time to talk next week. Hardy grabs him by the bowtie and throws him in the corner before screaming that this will only take a minute. EC3 runs down and knocks Hardy to the floor. Dixie then once again says she has a major announcement.
After some commercials, Dixie is still in the ring and says she’s proud to make this special announcement. However, she’s cut off once more, this time by Gunner, who is carrying his Feast or Fired briefcase. He says he knows she thinks she has something important to say, but what he has to say is more important. In this case, he’s got a World title match. He’s not a man with patience, so he’s cashing in. He wants Magnus out here for his title match right now. Dixie says she’s in a giving mood tonight, but she’s going to deny his title match because Magnus is across the pond, celebrating with his fans in England, so Gunner will have to take a raincheck. She tries to make her announcement again, but Gunner puts his hand over her mic before telling her that she needs to let Magnus know that, whether it’s this week or next week, he’s cashing in and he’s ready, so Magnus needs to be ready as well. Dixie says that’s just great and tells him to go.
She once again goes for her announcement, but is now interrupted by James Storm. Gunner looks as surprised as Dixie does. Storm takes the mic out of her hand and apologizes for interrupting and says he’s been hearing Gunner whine about things he hasn’t received. He feels Gunner owes him something. Gunner disagrees. Storm says he asked Gunner not to interfere in his match with Bobby Roode a few weeks ago, and Gunner never gave him an answer, instead just throwing in the towel. Gunner reminds Storm he was almost put through barbed wire in that match, not to mention had been in a bar fight the night before. Storm wasn’t 100%, so as a friend, Gunner threw in the towel for Storm. He looked out for Storm’s future and did what was right. Storm says that wasn’t the first time he’s been beaten up in a bar fight, and it damn sure won’t be the last. What he wants to know is who told Roode he was in the bar that night. How did Roode know? Who stooged him off? Gunner says it wasn’t him, but Storm doesn’t buy it. He’s out here, face-to-face to tell Gunner he wants a match with him right here, right now, for Gunner’s briefcase. Dixie interrupts and says she’ll do this if it benefits her. She tells them the match will happen, the case will be on the line, and that’s what Gunner gets for interrupting her.
Dixie starts to make her announcement, but then tells everyone they’re just going to have to wait until later tonight.
MATCH 1-If Gunner loses, he loses his World Championship briefcase: Gunner vs. James Storm
The two talk trash before Gunner shoves Storm. Storm shoves back, and now they lock up. Gunner backs Storm into the corner before giving a clean break. They lock up again, and Storm applies a side headlock. He goes into the ropes, but puts on the breaks before Gunner can hit a clothesline. Gunner applies a side headlock before shouldering Storm down and going for a quick pin. Storm comes back with a hip throw for 1, then goes into a standing side headlock. The two block hiptoss attempts before Storm runs into a back elbow for 1. He comes back with a boot out of the corner, followed by a running neckbreaker for 2. Gunner pops up with a couple of forearms to the face, then goes for a corner whip. Storm reverses, gets backdropped to the apron and hits an apron kick. Back in the ring, Storm hits a flying forearm for 2. Gunner recovers and lands a knife-edge chop in the corner before shouldering Storm and hitting another chop. Storm comes back with a chop, but Gunner shakes it off and lands another chop. Storm comes back with one of his own, hits a snapmare and a jumping kneedrop for 2. Gunner shoulders Storm in the gut and hits a suplex for 2 before applying a rear chinlock. This match has absolutely no flow to it. Gunner backs Storm into the corner and nails a right to the head. Storm comes back with an uppercut before receiving another right. They trade punches before Gunner shoulders Storm to the outside through the ropes, going through them as well. Storm grabs Gunner by the hair and slams him face-first into the ring steps, and all of a sudden, we hear the bell ring.
WINNER: Double count-out. We find this out after the bell rings, and Storm is pissed. He tackles Gunner, and now the two are brawling up the ramp (Gunner keeps his briefcase, BTW). Eventually, several referees come out to break up the fight, but to no avail, as the fight continues to the back.
We see Bully Ray sitting in the back somewhere, wearing dark sunglasses. Brooke walks up and says she’s been trying to get a hold of him, wanting to know where he’s been. Ray ignores her. She says he loved her at one point, but we’ll do it his way. If he doesn’t want to talk, fine, but later tonight, she’s going out to the ring to air out all of his dirtiest, darkest secrets. As she leaves, he calls her back and tells her that’s not a good idea. Brooke shakes her head and walks away.
We get a “Rise of Magnus” video. It’s basically him talking about his career in TNA, including his often-forgotten first run as a Roman gladiator. It’s more or less a vehicle for him to go full-heel, but honestly, I think there’s a lot of shoot comments in here, and listening to Magnus tell his side of the story is pretty interesting.
Brooke makes her way out to the ring. She says it’s been weeks since she’s seen or talked to Bully Ray, and she understands why he’s giving the silent treatment: she threw the hammer. But she refuses to take blame for this, and she wants Ray to come out here right now and tell the world the truth. Ray walks out, sans-music. She wants to know what is going on with him, who he is. They can fix their problems. It’s not her fault, nor is it his fault that Aces and Eights is done. Ray turns his back and stands in the corner. Brooke says she’s done being Ray’s dog. She has stood by his side and listened to him. He’s the one who told her to throw the hammer. She has watched him destroy everything. A and E were family and included Ray’s own brother. Ray was supposed to be her ticket into the spotlight, and instead, he’s just the miserable high school kid that has no friends. She screams for him to look at her, and he slowly turns around to face her. Brooke isn’t scared of him. She is not anyone’s possession. She doesn’t need him, and she is done. She walks away, but Ray grabs her by the arm. He tells her she’s done when he’s done with her. He doesn’t blame her for him not being World Champion, and he doesn’t blame her for the end of A and E. He doesn’t blame her for screwing everything up because she’s not much in the brains department anyway. He didn’t keep her around because she was the smartest girl in the world; he kept her around for certain uses, and honestly, she wasn’t good at those uses. Sometimes, when he would shut his eyes, he would wish he was back with Brooke #1. She should consider herself lucky, because he could treat her like Ken Anderson right now. Ominous music begins playing, completely killing any value this segment might have had. Anyway, Ray says he could piledriver her on her ugly face, but he’s not going to do that, because he still has one last use for her: he’s going to use her to spread his word. She knows how evil he is, and how sick he can be. What he wants her to do is let everyone know what’s in store for them. Let them know it’s going to be a lot worse. He’s done with her, and tells her to leave.
And people wonder why wrestling gets compared to a soap opera.
We see Joseph Park in the back, getting ready for his match. He looks at the different weapons and is freaking out.
Another “Rise of Magnus” video, this time talking about his 2013 in TNA, and him telling all of his doubters, “Screw you”.
Dixie Carter is in her office, watching a monitor when EC3 and Rockstar Spud walk in, worried about tonight’s main event. Dixie tells them how her World Champion, Magnus, beat both their opponents. She asks EC3 who she is, and who they are. What does the world say about the Carters? The world needs them. EC3 needs to remember that, and he & Spud need to go get ready for their match. She’s got their back tonight.
Immediately following that waste of time is a video recapping the Abyss/Joseph Park sh*tstorm, also known as the most recent horrible angle in Abyss’ TNA career (seriously, look up the crap Chris Park has endured over the last 11 years in this company). This cuts to Park standing by with Eric Young, who is trying to get him hyped up. EY tells the sound guys to hit his music, and they play Abyss’ old theme. Park says that’s not his music, and EY disagrees before telling him to be himself.
MATCH 2-2-on-1 Monster’s Ball: Joseph Park vs. Bad Influence (Christopher Daniels and Kazarian)
Park makes his way down to the ring, carrying Janice. We go to commercials.
Back from the break, we get footage backstage of Sting and Jeff Hardy (instead of, you know, the match). Sting says he can’t wait to beat the entitlement out of EC3, and let’s not forget Spud knocking Hardy off the ladder. Sting “marks out” (his words) and says he’s excited to team with Hardy tonight. Hardy says that’s cool, but he didn’t come here to wrestle tonight. Sting says that Dixie will eventually listen to Hardy, but for tonight, they need to focus on their match.
Back to the arena, Bad Influence make their way down to the ring for this match. Kaz grabs a kendo stick while Daniels grabs a crutch. BI try to surround Park, with all three still holding their weapons. Park starts swinging Janice, but Kaz kicks him, causing him to drop it. They take turns hitting him with their weapons before Daniels chokes Park with the crutch. Kaz cracks him with the kendo stick before Daniels hits him in the ribs with the crutch. Kaz chokes him with the stick, then hits him in the back. They pick him up and push him down at the knees before Daniels nails a clothesline to the back of the head. Kaz hits a senton across the back, and the two head outside to throw more weapons in the ring, with a trashcan hitting Park right in the face in the process. Daniels assaults Park in the corner before Kaz chokes him with the crutch. Daniels slams him across the chest with a trashcan lid, then picks Park up by the throat. Kaz grabs a chair and goes to brain him, but Daniels stops him and tells him they don’t want him to bleed. Kaz agrees and wedges the chair in the corner. When he turns around, Park hits him with a shoulderblock. Daniels receives a hiptoss, and Kaz gets a bodyslam. He grabs the kendo stick and points at Daniels. From behind, Kaz nails him with a trashcan. Daniels clubs him down before Kaz throws him to the outside. BI exit the ring as well, and Daniels nails a kick to the back. They launch him shoulder-first into the ring steps, then check to see if he’s bleeding before stomping him. Park gets rolled back in the ring, and BI begin assaulting him in the corner (where the chair is still wedged). Daniels gets whipped into Park, and Park backdrops him to the floor. He sidesteps an incoming Kaz, who winds up going head-first into the chair. Park puts a trashcan lid across Kaz’s chest before hitting a jumping splash, hurting himself in the process. Park is back up, and he applies a Boston crab on Kaz. Daniels breaks it up with a crutch-shot to the back. Kaz heads outside and grabs Janice from ringside and brings it into the ring. Park rolls to the floor and begins climbing up the ramp. EY makes his way down the ramp and tells Park to get up and believe in himself. Park says he needs EY’s help, so EY applies a side headlock and looks for some punches. BI stop him before EY can make contact and begin assaulting him on the ramp. EY gets sent face-first into the ring post before getting rolled into the ring. Park climbs back in as Kaz grabs the kendo stick. As EY and Park get to their feet, Kaz swings at them. EY ducks, and the stick cracks Park over the head. Kaz nails EY in the back before he gets dumped to the floor. Park is bleeding, and he sees the blood on his hands. Daniels has the stick now as Kaz has grabbed a chair. Park gets back to his feet and goes into “Abyss Mode”. He takes a stick shot to the head and a couple of chair shots to the back, no-selling them all. He then blocks a stick shot by Daniels and nails him with a right before punching the chair into Kaz’s face. He grabs the stick and cracks both members of BI with it before hitting an avalanche on Kaz. Kaz then receives the Shock Treatment, and Daniels receives the Black Hole Slam for 3.
WINNER: Joseph Park. After the match, EY gets in the ring to celebrate, but is reluctant to do so. Park grabs Janice and raises it over his head as EY cheers him on.
We see Jeff Hardy on his phone in the back, talking to his wife. He tells her this is something he has to do, and she needs to trust him on this. He’ll call her back when this is all over.
Another “Rise of Magnus” video, this time talking about his domination of the BFG Series until the end when he faced AJ Styles in the finals, as well as defeating Sting at BFG and him eventually winning the title and joining up with Dixie Carter in the process.
MATCH 3: Lei’D Tapa (w/Knockouts Champion Gail Kim) vs. ODB
Before the match, Kim says that, last week, her former BFF Madison Rayne humiliated her, the greatest Knockouts Champion of all time. How does that happen? It was a fluke, and two weeks ago, ODB stuck her nose in Kim’s business. And when you stick your nose into Kim’s business, it becomes Tapa’s business. So, come on out, ODB, because you have a very valuable lesson to be learned.
ODB makes her way out, throws her flask aside and immediately gets in Tapa’s face. Tapa shoves OBD, and ODB forearms her. Tapa retaliates, and the two trade a couple more before ODB goes for a bodyslam. She can’t lift Tapa up, and Tapa knocks her into the corner. ODB avoids a charge and hits a couple of chops to the chest. Tapa no-sells a clothesline and a shoulderblock, standing firm. ODB ducks a clothesline before getting goozled. ODB breaks the hold and goes for a bodyslam, but can’t lift Tapa up. Tapa forearms her in the back, knocking her into the corner. Tapa charges at her with a double axe handle, then throws her face-first into the mat before choking her. Tapa pulls ODB up by the hair before going for an avalanche powerbomb. ODB escapes, knocks Tapa into the corner and hits series of forearms before running into a big boot. Tapa mounts the middle rope, missing a legdrop. ODB slaps Tapa in the face before hitting some chops to the chest. She shoulders Tapa, ducks a clothesline and hits another shoulderblock. She knocks Tapa into the ropes with a dropkick, then sends her into the corner. ODB hits a running forearm as Kim slides the KO title into the ring. As the ref removes it, Kim trips ODB as she tries for a bodyslam, causing Tapa to fall on top of ODB. Tapa then hits the Godsmack and gets 3.
WINNER: Lei’D Tapa. After the match, Kim says that Madison Rayne needs to learn the lesson that when you interfere with Kim’s business, you interfere with Tapa’s business, and that’s not a business you want to be involved in.
We see Chris Sabin and Velvet Sky in the back. Sky thanks him for making their holiday so special. Sabin says he’s a special guy. They’ve had some bumps, but next week is a new year, and he’s looking to make a clean slate. Sky agrees before saying that one of her new year’s resolutions is to make their relationship even stronger. Sabin says that’s great, but he has an even better resolution. Next week, he gets his rematch with Austin Aries for the World X-Division title. It’s kind of her fault he lost the belt, but he forgives her. Next week, he wants her to do whatever he asks in regards to winning that belt. Sky says she can’t do that, because it’s his match, and she can’t interfere. Sabin accuses her of not supporting him, then says maybe he needs to find a girl who will.
Sting and Hardy are on their way to the ring. Sting says he knows Hardy said he had a plan, but whatever is going on in Hardy’s head, Sting needs him to focus on this match right now. Hardy agrees.
Once again, “The Rise of Magnus”. This time, he credits Dixie Carter with his entire career, discovering him in a magazine before bringing him into TNA. From that moment, he knew he always had her watching his back. He says their partnership will last for years, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.
MATCH 4: Jeff Hardy and Sting vs. Ethan Carter III and Rockstar Spud
Before the match starts, Dixie Carter appears on the big screen and says she’s now ready to tell everyone what she’s been waiting to tell all night long, and that is next week, we are going to have a coronation for her new World Champion, Magnus. Right now, however, there’s a piece of business left to deal with. Remember how she said we’d have a tag team match tonight? Well, she left out one tiny little detail: it’s going to be a handicap match, with the Bromans joining EC3 and Spud.
MATCH 4-4-on-2 Handicap Match: Jeff Hardy and Sting vs. Ethan Carter III, Rockstar Spud, and World Tag Team Champions the Bromans (Jesse & Robbie E, w/Zema Ion)
Sting and EC3 start the match, but EC3 immediately tags out to Spud. Spud begs to be tagged out before backing into Sting. He falls down and tags out to Jesse. He locks up with Sting and backs him against the ropes. Sting counters an Irish whip and hits a hiptoss. Ion grabs Sting’s foot, which allows Jesse to club him Sting and hit a suplex. E tags in and gets hit with a clothesline. Sting nails an incoming Jesse as well before tagging in Hardy. Hardy boots E in the corner, hits a kick off a corner charge and follows up with a middle rope splash for 2. E gets backdropped to the floor. Jesse tries to restrain Sting against the ropes, but Hardy breaks free, causing an incoming EC3 to collide with Jesse, knocking them both to the floor. Sting gets on all fours in the ring, and Hardy launches himself off Sting’s back onto all four of their opponents outside, as well as Ion. E rolls back into the ring, where Hardy cuts him off with a stomp and throws him into the corner. E backdrops him the apron, where Jesse yanks him down by the hair. The four heels assault Hardy on the floor before rolling him back in, where E gets a 2-count. Commercials.
Back from the break, Jesse has tagged in, and he hits Hardy with a kitchen sink for 2. Jesse applies a wristlock, and Hardy fights out before running into a powerslam for another 2. EC3 tags in and hits a suplex. Jesse makes a fake tag behind the ref’s back, then tags in E, who stomps Hardy down. Hardy begins to fight back before getting whipped hard into the corner. E goes for a pin, but only gets 2. He chokes Hardy against the ropes, then distracts the ref so the other three can triple-team Hardy. E foot-chokes Hardy before tagging in Jesse, who then applies a half-Boston crab. Hardy manages to get to the bottom rope to break the hold, but Jesse instead drags him back out to the middle of the ring, keeping the hold locked on. Hardy crawls for a tag, but E attacks Sting, causing the ref to hold him back while the heels quadruple-team Hardy. When the ref turns around, Jesse is going for a pin and gets 2. EC3 tags in and hits a back suplex. He whips Hardy into the corner, mocks Sting and goes for Stinger Splash, which misses. Hardy hits a sit-out jawbreaker and crawls for the tag. EC3 grabs his foot, and then gets hit with a reverse enziguri. Sting makes the tag and hits EC3 with a back elbow. The Bromans hit the ring, and he takes them both out. Spud jumps on Sting’s back, and Sting continues to fight off the other three, not paying any attention to Spud. He eventually drops Spud and scares him out of the ring. EC3 and Jesse get hit with clotheslines before E receives a Stinger Splash. Jesse gets one on the opposite side of the ring, and as Sting drops back to his feet, EC3 rolls him up with a schoolboy and a handful of tights for 3.
End of show.
Dustin Nichols is a freelance writer, and you can keep track of all of his work on his Facebook page, which can be found at www.facebook.com/DustinNicholsWriter. Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out his mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:
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