This week’s TNA Impact Wrestling starts with a message to the victims of the Sandy Hook shooting, which is a nice touch.
We see footage from earlier today of Austin Aries and Jeff Hardy entering the building. They face off in the main event tonight, with the World title on the line. This is “Championship Thursday”, which means we’ll see several pointless deliberations over who should get a title match. The title in question tonight is the KO title, and the potential challengers are Velvet Sky, ODB, Mickie James and Miss Tessmacher. I’ve decided that I’m not recapping the deliberation segments on these episodes anymore. They are beyond pointless, as is the entire idea behind the segments, especially when you consider that a title has never changed hands as a result.
The show is going to kick off with a TV title match.
MATCH 1-World Television Championship: Kurt Angle vs. Devon (Champion)
Angle’s left knee is taped up and he is limping his way down to the ring. Before Devon can be introduced, Angle says he’s looking for a title match, and the only title he wants is the one held by those sonsofbitches who attacked him, the Aces and Eights. Devon, get your ass out here. Devon makes his way out with DOC, Black Scorpion, Thing 1 & Thing 2. Angle says Devon had to bring his pack with him. If Devon wants to play that way, he’s got a pack of his own. Samoa Joe and the Wonder Twins make their way out to even things up. Angle backs Devon into the corner with a lock-up, so Devon boots him and applies a side headlock. Devon shoulders him off the ropes and misses an elbow drop. Angle gets him in a waistlock, and Devon elbows out, so Angle clotheslines him. Rights by Angle. Devon charges at Angle, but Angle moves, sending Devon through the ropes and to the floor. The two groups get in each other’s faces and a brawl breaks out. The referee gets between them and sends both groups to the back. Meanwhile, Devon gets back in the ring and clips Angle’s bad knee. Commercials.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Devon.
We get the first deliberation segment, and since it’s the KO division, Brooke Hogan is in charge of who gets the shot tonight. She eliminates ODB, since ODB should be focused on her injured husband.
AI is asking Kenny King what happened last week. King says he won, that’s what happened. King beat RVD, and that’s all. He’s got no beef with Rob. This is where dreams come true. It was a dream to wrestle RVD, and it’ll be a dream to tag with him tonight.
MATCH 2: Matt Morgan and Joey Ryan vs. Kenny King and World X-Division Champion Rob Van Dam
RVD and Ryan start the match, and Ryan immediately kicks RVD in the knee. RVD comes back with a clothesline and a jumping roundhouse. Standing moonsault gets 2. King tags in, and he applies a side headlock. Ryan reverses into a hammerlock. King breaks it and hits a Japanese armdrag. Ryan makes a blind tag before ducking a roundhouse, and Morgan comes in to nail a clothesline. Morgan hits a kneelift, then applies a surfboard stretch through the ropes. Morgan drops King with a headbutt before tagging in Ryan, who chokes King in the corner with his foot. King fires off some punches before Ryan pretends like he got thumbed in the eye. The ref checks on him, which allows Morgan to hit an inverted chokeslam into the turnbuckles. Morgan tags in, and does a foot choke in the corner. Corner whip and a sidewalk slam by Morgan. Ryan in, and he sends King into the corner. King counters out of the corner with a sunset flip, getting 2. King ducks a clothesline and makes the hot tag to RVD. Kicks by RVD, and the faces hit a double dropkick on Morgan. King hits an atomic drop on Ryan, followed by a spin kick to the back of his head. Morgan comes in, and before he can attack King, King bails on the match. Morgan hits the Carbon Footprint on RVD, and Ryan picks up the easy 3.
WINNERS: Matt Morgan and Joey Ryan. Morgan might have the worst bicycle kick in wrestling.
Another vignette. This time, it says, “The time for forgiveness is over…There is no appeasement. They will be judged. The answer is close. 1.3.13”
AI asks Kaz about AJ Styles walking away. He doesn’t feel anything about it. We’re five days from Christmas, and it’s his favorite time of the year. Tonight, he has a surprise for his fans, and they’re going to see how gracious he is, and how he treats his very best friend in the world. Before he can finish, someone named Nick calls him on his phone.
Hulk Hogan makes his way out into the Impact Zone. He says the fans make him feel like he’s 18 again, brother. 2012 has been a great year for TNA, and he’s seen this teeny tiny company start to grow into a full-fledged monster. What is so cool about it is there is so much talent in the back room. It’s hard to decide who’s the greatest of the great back there. That’s why he’s giving the fans the chance to vote for the Impact Wrestler of the Year. And, on a special episode of Impact on January 3rd, he’ll announce the winner. Before he can continue, A and E make their way to ringside. Devon starts to talk, but Hogan says no. If he’s so tough, come out here by himself, brother. Devon says Hogan has been telling so many lies, he must honestly believe them. 2012 was his year? No. 2012 was the year A and E was born. 2012 was the year A and E beat the hell out of every single one of the TNA so-called wrestlers back there. It goes like this: this club represents the truth, not the garbage Hogan’s been telling everyone. 2013 will be the year for A and E, and it will also be the year A and E are revealed and gold is accomplished, and Hogan won’t be here to see any of it unfold. The six of them surround the ring, but before anything can happen, Bully Ray runs down, causing the group to scatter. Hogan and Ray have a face-off before Hogan blows him off and leaves the ring.
AI is talking to Jeff Hardy in his locker room. He tells Austin Aries he proved himself to Hardy in their feud, but now he sees Aries’ true colors. He paid some people off to hurt Hardy. He’s not a hard man to find. Hardy beat him twice, and will beat him again.
Deliberation segment #2. Tessmacher is eliminated, because she apparently has experience. I’m not kidding. This is what was discussed.
We see Kaz carrying some presents in the back. He’s headed to the ring next.
Kaz makes his way out to the Impact Zone, presents still in hand. In the ring, there is a tree with more gifts underneath, as well as a throne. He calls the fans “a$#goblins”, and they can’t ruin his mood this evening. We’re days away from Christmas, and he’s in the holiday spirit. He points out the tree has two stars on top (pictures of both members of Bad Influence), then brings out Christopher Daniels. Kind of pointless for them to come out separately when they have the same entrance theme. Their “video” is nothing but Daniels’ logo, spinning. Kaz doesn’t even rank high enough to be a part of the graphic. Not that I’m complaining. Kaz sucks. Daniels sits on the throne. Since he’s been such a dear friend to Kaz and is such a trustworthy, honest saint of a man, he’s arranged for a special visitor to come see him. That guest is the man with the biggest sack Kaz has ever seen, that being Santa Claus. Oh, I see what he did there. Testicle jokes. Hilarious. Well, he did train with John Cena and The Miz, so I guess I shouldn’t expect any less. TNA’s version of Santa was too lazy to make himself look fat. God. Even the company’s Santa is low-rent. Kaz says that, since Santa is always giving presents to everyone, being so generous, Bad Influence got him a gift. Santa opens it, and it’s a pair of Zubaz. Kaz says Santa has a question for Daniels, so Daniels sits on his lap as Kaz takes a picture. Santa then asks Daniels if he’s been a good boy this year. Daniels says he has, by getting rid of AJ Styles, the biggest loser in TNA history. Santa says that, since Bad Influence has given the fans what they want all year long, he’s going to grant Daniels a wish. Daniels says it’s about the gifts you give, so he wants to give his wish to someone who really needs it. He asks Santa to give anything to AJ Styles’ kids. He’s such a loser, he won’t be able to give them anything at all.
James Storm’s music hits, and he says he was listening to Bad Influence make a mockery of Christmas. They can talk about AJ all they want, but when they run down Christmas, it’s not going to happen on his watch. Daniels tells Santa that Storm is the exact reason AJ can’t wrestle for the World title for a year, so make sure to put Storm on the naughty list. Storm says he’s going to the ring to give Santa a reason to put him on the naughty list. Storm starts to tear the decorations apart, but Santa tells him, “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” For some reason, Storm thinks this is suspicious, and wants to know who Santa really is. Santa says he’s Santa, so Storm says that, when he was six, he didn’t get the Red Rider BB gun he asked for, before he begins quoting the film “A Christmas Story”. End this G.D. segment already. He lists off some other crap he wanted when he was younger. He understands Santa is busy this time of year, so he’s going to make this easy. If this guy is the real Santa, then answer a question: last year, what did Storm ask for on Christmas? Santa says a Travis Tritt CD. Storm says that was close, but it was really a case of beer. He lays Santa out with the Last Call. What a huge waste of time.
Austin Aries is in the back, and he makes a joke about not hearing his inner thoughts. He’s got a title match tonight, and it was easy, because Hardy challenged him. That was the biggest mistake of Hardy’s career. This is a wrestling match, Aries’ specialty. He’ll win the title tonight and prove he’s the greatest wrestler in the universe.
Another vignette. This time it’s, one of the ones we’ve seen in previous weeks. We then see video of Sting, solving the mystery. Same crap they pulled last time. This company has no originality.
We’re now in the A and E clubhouse. Black Scorpion wants to know what the hell happened out there with Hogan. They had him where they wanted him until Bully Ray ran down. They need numbers and bodies. Thing 1 (Mike Knox, I believe) asks him if he’s going to hand out patches to every guy that comes along, wanting to be in the group. He bleeds for this club. Devon interjects, saying he’s got someone who might be able to do this. Scorpion wants muscle, not new prospects. Devon says this guy is pissed off enough to do this. They take a vote, and everyone votes “Yea”.
Deliberation #3. Brooke Hogan gives the match to Mickie James.
MATCH 3-Knockouts Championship: Mickie James vs. Tara (Champion, w/Jesse)
These two immediately botch a lock-up (HOWTHEF*CKDOESTHATHAPPEN?!) before James rolls Tara up in a schoolgirl for 2. Jackknife by James for another 2. Tara bridges out and goes for a backslide, but James flips off of it and hits some forearms. She blocks a hip toss and turns it into a victory roll for 2. Tara nails some forearms, but James ducks a clothesline, hits a snapmare and goes for a dropkick. Jesse trips her behind Taryn Terrell’s back, and Tara goes for the pin, getting 2. Tara hits a hairmare for another 2, then goes for the pin again, getting another 2. Another pin, another 2. Tara hangs James by the hair, then grinds her face into the mat. She slams James’ face into the mat a couple times, then covers her for 2. Tara picks her up and hits some shoulder thrusts in the corner, then sends her hard into the opposite corner. Tara goes for another pin, getting 2. This match is sh*t. Tara applies a modified surfboard. James fights out, and Tara grabs her in the Spider’s Web. James counters into a spinning headscissors, then ties her up with a crucifix for 2. Tara pops up and hits a powerslam for 2. James blocks the standing moonsault, and the two trade slaps. James hits some more forearms hits a mule kick and a crane kick, a couple clotheslines, a forearm, and a neckbreaker for 2. Tara punches her and goes for the Widow’s Peak. James slides out and hits the standing tornado DDT, but Jesse pulls Tara to the floor on the pin. They decide to head to the back and take a count-out, but James hits a Thesz Press to the floor on Jesse before that happens. Tara crawls back in the ring, and as James comes back in, Jesse grabs her foot. Tara uses the distraction to botch an inverted atomic drop, and James lands with her leg bent backwards. Tara gets the 3.
WINNER: Tara. An inverted atomic drop? Are you jerking me? Honestly, this is one of the worst women’s matches I’ve seen in a long time, and that says a hell of a lot.
We get a video of Joe Abyss training in OVW from earlier this week. Hey, remember when he was looking for his “brother”, and he returned one week, then someone else came out dressed up in his gear a week later, and then nothing else happened after that? Man, that was a great storyline. The best part of this video is Danny Davis showing him how to fake a forearm shot. Way to break the fourth wall, guys. One of the other trainees accidentally nails Joe in the face and splits him open, so Joe goes nuts and hits the Black Hole Slam.
MATCH 4-World Championship: Austin Aries vs. Jeff Hardy (Champion)
Thankfully, this should be the last bit of the night. Recapping this episode has been a major chore. They start with a lock-up, and Aries gives him a clean break in the corner. Another lock-up, and Hardy tries to give the clean break, but Aries knees him. Hardy fights back and sends him into the corner. Bodyslam gets 1. Aries hits a bodyslam of his own and goes for a tope con hilo, but Hardy blocks it with his knees. Snapmare by Hardy, and a dropkick to the back gets 2. Hardy hits some mounted punches in the corner, then punches him through the ropes, sending him to the floor. Aries eventually gets back in on his own, hits a knee lift and a clothesline for 2. Aries goes for the brainbuster, but Hardy fights out and clotheslines him to the floor. Hardy goes for a dive off the apron, but Aries moves, causing Hardy to crash into the guardrail. Aries is back in the ring as we go to commercials.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Jeff Hardy.
AI stops Hulk Hogan in the back as he’s leaving, asking about the world title picture. Hogan says it’s chaos, and it’s his first goal in 2013 to straighten it out. AI asks about Aces and Eights and his daughter, so Hogan tells him not to worry about it. Hogan turns around and sees Brooke and Bully Ray making out against a car a few feet away. As AI continues to ask questions, Hogan gets in his car and drives away.
End of show.
As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx ,and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:
Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.
[amazon_link id=”B0099114V0″ target=”_blank” container=”” container_class=”” ]WWE: Raw 100 – The Top 100 Moments in Raw History[/amazon_link]
[amazon_link id=”B008IG0ESG” target=”_blank” container=”” container_class=”” ]WWE: CM Punk Best in the World DVD[/amazon_link]