Hey, everybody! (LOUIE!) Welcome back to my weekly Impact recaps. In case you were wondering where I’ve been for the last few weeks, I’ll just keep it simple and tell you that, well, cocaine is a hell of a drug. Okay, not really. I’ve just been off for a few weeks, nothing more. Anyway, on with the show.
The show opens with Sting being flanked by pretty much all of the other wrestlers that have been attacked by Aces and Eights over the last few weeks. Sting has told security to leave the gates open for AandE, so where are they? It’s amazing who comes together when the circumstances are the way there are. There’s a whole group of men here to fight. We then get a still photo package of all their various attacks. Sting says that these men right here are already to fight, and the victims are ready to get revenge starting tonight. There’s one victim who has had a cloud of doubt over him, and that cloud is gone. He’d like to invite that man out now, that being James Storm.
Storm makes his way out. He says Sting is right. If he was on the other side of the fence, he might have believed it, too, because the evidence stacked up. However, last week, A and E jumped him just like everyone else. So, he’s got an idea. How about we turn this wrestling show into an ass-whipping show tonight? Sting agrees to it, then tells A and E that when they tried to intimidate Brooke Hogan, they pissed off Hulk, and he’s here tonight. AandE, where are you?
Back from the break, we see the beat down from just a few moments ago.
Knockouts Champion Miss Tessmacher makes her way out, I’m guessing for the first challenge of the night on this edition of OFN. First off, she thanks Brooke Hogan for righting a wrong last night, but tonight is not about the title; it’s personal. She wakes up every day and looks in the mirror, and has a question: can she beat the one person who has taught her everything in wrestling? She’s been Tessy’s mentor and best friend so, tonight, she’s calling Tara out.
MATCH 1: Knockouts Champion Miss Tessmacher vs. Tara (non-title)
We get the introduction of Taryn Terrell (formerly “Tiffany”). In case you don’t know, she’s the official KO division referee. Just like last week, the crowd really doesn’t give a tinker’s damn about her. Tie-up to start, with Tessy landing an armdrag. Another tie-up, and this time, the two trade armdrags. Tara with a side headlock, and Tessy punches out. Shoulder off the ropes by Tara, and a criss-cross ends in with a hip toss by Tessy. Tara comes back with a trip, a pair of hip tosses and an over-the-shoulder powerslam for 2. Tara backs Tessy into the corner and gives her a clean break, so Tessy hits a cheap shot to the face. Another forearm, and Tara slaps her down. Tessy with an elbow out of the corner, followed by a running clothesline. Another clothesline, and a dropsh*t sends Tara to the corner. Tessy with some shoulder thrusts and a Mug Shot. She goes up, but Tara blocks her with a punch and hits a superplex for the 3.
WINNER: Tara. When was the last time you saw a match won with a middle-rope superplex? After the match, the ladies hug.
At Hardcore Justice, Aces and Eights beat up The Pope and put him on the shelf (he’s actually injured). Why? Well, because he’s The Pope and he sucks. At least, that’s my guess.
Sting is in his office with several TNA guys, talking about Pope not being released to wrestle, and thus being eliminated from the BFG Series. There’s only one fair thing to do with the guys that were supposed to wrestle him (Styles, RVD and Robbie E), and that’s a match between the 3. That match is next, and Robbie T is banned from ringside.
MATCH 2-Triple Threat Bound for Glory Series Match: Robbie E vs. Rob Van Dam vs. AJ Styles
Robbie E is in last place in the series with only 5 points, so I totally expect him to win the entire thing. Yep. Later tonight, AJ will also find out the results of the paternity test regarding if he’s Claire Lynch’s baby daddy (SPOILER: he’s not, and she has left TNA since). E gets ignored as AJ and RVD talk trash to each other, resulting him getting in AJ’s face. He attacks both, and they respond with punches, kicks and a double back elbow. E goes to the floor, with the other two engaging in a standing switch. AJ with kicks and chops. RVD comes back with a leg scissors into a roll-up for 2. AJ with a pin for 1 as E gets back in the ring. Double hip toss for E, but he gets back up and charges at RVD, backing him into the corner. AJ nails him with a Saito Suplex, sending him back to the floor. RVD with a side headlock, and that leads to a criss-cross, ending in an AJ dropkick that sends RVD to the floor. E gets back in the ring and knocks AJ down with a clothesline. Some stomps and a foot choke by E. RVD rolls back in, and E stomps away at him, kicking him back to the floor. AJ comes back with some right hands, a corner whip and a jumping corner clothesline. E sends him into the corner as we go to commercial.
Back from the break, E gets a 1-count on AJ. E piefaces AJ, so AJ punches him. AJ misses a corner charge, and E manages to nail RVD with a knee as he’s getting back in the ring. E with a side headlock on AJ now, and he turns it into a rear chinlock. AJ breaks the hold with a jawbreaker and lands some knife-edge chops. E manages to knock him back down with a back elbow. He goes to the ropes, but RVD grabs him by the foot, drags him to the floor and lays in some forearms to the face. RVD continues the assault, which ends when AJ takes them both out with a slingshot plancha. He throws RVD back in the ring and hits a fireman’s carry into a backbreaker for 2. E gets back up on the apron as AJ throws RVD to the corner, so AJ clotheslines him back down to the floor. RVD uses the distraction to hit a springboard side kick, and follows up with Rolling Thunder. E is back in, so RVD takes him out with a spinning heel kick, and a standing moonsault gets 2. RVD back drops him to the floor, and AJ lands a (very botched) moonsault inverted DDT on RVD for 2. RVD gets in some kicks and leaps to the top rope, but AJ crotches him. AJ goes for a top rope superplex, but RVD shoves him off and hits the Five-Star. E then stacks RVD up for a pin…and actually gets it?
WINNER: Robbie E, who picks up 7 points, and automatically moving him into 11th place (the place Pope was in before the injury). Unfortunately for him, he’s still in last place with 12 points total.
We see Jeff Hardy heading toward the Impact Zone, and he will be challenging someone for OFN next.
Hardy makes his way out. He says hello to his stupid fans before saying his challenge will not be a BFG Series match. Recent history is the reason for his challenge, so he calls out Robbie T.
MATCH 3: Jeff Hardy vs. Robbie T
Hardy ducks a double axe handle and immediately hits a forearm shot. Punches and a spinning mule kick knock T back, but he no-sells them and hits a clothesline. Forearm to the back by T. Hardy tries to punch him off, but takes another forearm. T sends him into a corner. Hardy tries to counter, but T catches him over the shoulder and hits a powerslam for 2. Hardy gets to his feet in the corner and counters a charge with a back elbow, then follows up with Botch in the Wind for 2. Three clotheslines send T down into the ropes. Hardy nails an inverted atomic drop and goes for the double legdrop, but T boots him off. Hardy ducks a clothesline, hits the Twist of Fate and the swanton bomb for the 3.
WINNER: Jeff Hardy.
The World Tag Team Champions are in the back, talking about AJ Styles. Christopher Daniels says AJ thinks he has all the answers in regards to the paternity test, but that’s only because he hasn’t heard all of the questions.
Sting is somewhere in the back, challenging Aces and Eights. It’s obvious they know their way around here, so come see him face-to-face. He’s not hard to find.
Video package for this godawful AJ/Chris-Zarian/Claire Lynch crap that will thankfully be ending tonight. So I read that one of the reasons that Claire Lynch is leaving TNA is because she’s tired of everyone slamming her for her awful acting. Hey, Claire! Here’s a news flash for you. If you didn’t completely suck as an actress in every way possible, people wouldn’t be slamming you! As for you deleting all of your social networking accounts and removing TNA from your resume’ so it won’t interfere with you getting hired for future acting gigs, who in the hell would want to hire you for anything? You are just horrible at what you do. Why are you the way that you are? I hate so much about the things you choose to be.
Jeremy Borash is in the ring, recapping what happened last week before saying it’s time to finally reveal the results of the paternity test. TNA should have shelled out a few bucks to get Maury Povich in here for this segment. He introduces AJ Styles first. AJ takes the mic and says that he’s sorry. He’s sorry to his friends, the fans who have had to put up with this crap (his words), and most of all, he’s sorry to his family. There’s a night in his life he can’t remember, and he wished it had never existed. But, something did happen with Claire that night. He doesn’t know what, but he does know that if he is the father of Claire’s baby, he’ll accept responsibility for the child. He’s a man and takes responsibility for his actions, and will take care of the kid if it’s his. But, if the child isn’t his, Chris-Zarian, you don’t say a word to him as long as you live.
Chris-Zarian then make their way out. Kaz says that, after all this time, AJ expects us to believe all that? Even now, in the final hours, AJ is still more concerned with protecting his own brand rather than his own family. He cares more about himself than the demon seed he put in Claire’s womb. It’s selfish pricks like AJ that have caused the youth of this country to lash out worse than ever, creating an epidemic of bullying. It’s absentee fathers like AJ that our prisons are full of violent criminals that could have turned the corner with just a few loving words from their daddies. Here’s the facts: AJ’s whole life, he’s only been concerned with himself. Starting now, he needs to be concerned with the little one. Daniels cuts him off. Let’s worry about the damage that’s already been done. For the past couple of weeks, Claire has come out in a vulnerable state to ask AJ if he’ll be there for her and the child in their time of need. AJ turned his back on her. Week after week, the stress built up until it was both mental and physical. Daniels says Claire isn’t here tonight because she’s in a hospital after suffering a placental disruption. He and his fans wish her the speediest of recoveries. But, AJ, he wants to know if you’re happy. Was protecting your reputation worth all the pain and suffering Claire and baby are going through? As Daniels continues to berate AJ, a blonde woman walks out to the ring. She climbs in the ring, takes the microphone and introduces herself as Grace Stein. She is Claire’s attorney, and has been authorized to read the following statement. Basically, the statement says that Claire was approached by Chris-Zarian to participate in a scam to blackmail AJ Styles. Claire participated in numerous illegal and unethical activities, including adding sedatives to a soda that rendered AJ unconscious, resulting in the questionable photographs. Claire wants to take responsibility for her actions, and apologizes to AJ for everything, and (SHOCK!) she was never pregnant in the first place. The pregnancy was also part of Chris-Zarian’s plan, and she would like AJ Styles, his family and friends to forgive Claire some day. The tag champs stomp around the ring all angrypants before AJ chases them out.
Gut Check is up next, and to hype it, we get the standard profile video. The guy’s name is Kris Lewie. He’s a dad and wants to be a good example for his kids, and wrestling has kept him on the straight and narrow. He has nothing to go home to, job-wise, and considers himself more motivated than most everyone in wrestling. There’s nothing he cannot do in the ring, and will kill himself to get a contract.
Hey, what good is a contract if you’ve killed yourself, dumbass? From what I’ve read about this segment, this dude is a complete joke. I will let you know my feelings after his match.
We see 3 more AandE guys walking around in the back, and they are stopped by Sting. Sting screams about games as they surround them, only to have Hulk Hogan show up behind their backs. Hogan takes all three of them out with one bat swing. No, I’m not making that part up. It was like something out of a really awful cartoon. Hogan then grunts a bunch before grabbing one of the guys and says that if they ever come after his daughter again, he’ll cut his heart out and feed it to his dog. Hogan then Warrior grunts for 2 minutes straight. Sting then talks in a chi-mo voice while feeling Hulk Hogan’s bicep. This is a very weird and discomforting segment.
It’s Gut Check time, but before that, we get a video package for Alex Silva, who blathers on about winning the contract he didn’t deserve (and shouldn’t have won).
After that, we’re back in the ring, and Kris Lewie. So far, I can see that he’s pudgy with no muscle tone. Not off to a good start here.
MATCH 4-Gut Check: Kris Lewie vs. Gunner
Gunner slaps Lewie in the chest, so Lewie armdrags him. Gunner gets up and runs into another one. Lewie ducks a clothesline and hits a shoulder for a 0-count. Double leg takedown gets 1. Gunner knees him in the stomach and hits a forearm to the back. In the corner, Gunner lands some gut shots. Lewie ducks a clothesline and hits some punches straight out of “Friday Night Sissy Fights”. Gunner thumbs him in the eye, but he comes back with an even worse dropkick than Eve Torres for another 0-count. Gunner drops him with a clothesline for 2. Back elbow off the ropes by Gunner, followed by a stomp. In the corner, Gunner lands a back elbow. He corner whips Lewie, who…who actually botches the landing. How the hell do you botch a corner whip? Gunner nails a forearm and another corner whip, but Lewie moves out of the way of an avalanche. Lewie with more Sissy Fight punches and the weakest clothesline this side of Outback Jack. He then botches a back elbow (??) that is so bad, I legitimately LOL. He then follows up with what is either supposed to be a jumping back elbow, a jumping knee strike or a jumping hip bump. You make the call. Lewie then blows a Samoan drop as this match just gets funnier by the minute. Up top, Lewie misses a diving headbutt by a mile as this crowd, for once, is actually not cheering a Gut Check contestant. Gunner keeps the comedy alive by completely blowing the Mr. Pibb for the 3-count, mercifully ending this match.
WINNER: Gunner. Wow. This was actually worse than Alex Silva’s match, by a long shot. Kris Lewie sucks, and he sucks something awful. What frigging flea market did they find this guy at? I’ve literally seen “yard tards” put on better performances. Having said that, expect him to join TNA next week.
Up next, Mr. Anderson calls someone out for OFN.
In the back, we see ODB in the back calling Eric Young, wondering where he’s been the last three weeks. He needs to be “catching his wife”, “fishing her great lakes”. She then stops some random person off-camera, asking them how old they are.
Mr. Anderson now makes his way out. I definitely did not miss this waste of space on my hiatus. Tonight is his very last BFG Series match, and he happened to save the biggest, baddest, toughest and meanest for last. Without any further ado, his opponent is Bully Ray.
MATCH 5-Bound for Glory Series Match: Mr. Anderson vs. Bully Ray
Ray is tied with Kurt Angle for 5th with 48, while Anderson is in 8th place with 40. The top 4 (and only ones who matter at this point, really) are James Storm (66), Samoa Joe (61), RVD (55) and AJ Styles (50). Tie-up to start, which is almost immediately broken for some reason. Another one, and Anderson turns it into a side headlock. Ray shoves him off and hits a shoulder, but misses an elbow drop. Standing switch ends with some forearms to the back by Ray. Ray ducks a clothesline, hits a kidney shot and a back suplex for 2. He throws Anderson shoulder-first into the ring post as we go to commercials.
Back from the break, Ray drops an elbow for 2. Another elbow, and a stomp to the fingers. Ray with a foot choke over the bottom rope. Back up, Ray nails Anderson with a clothesline and a falling headbutt for 2. Ray with some cross-face shots. Suplex gets 2. Headbutt to the kidneys before Ray picks him up and throws him to the corner, where he nails some body blows. Bodyslam in the corner by Ray, but he misses a Vader Bomb. They trade punches from the knees. They both fight back to their feet, trading punches in the process. Ray stops him with a knee, but runs into a clothesline, a back elbow and a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Anderson hits a spinning heel kick for 2. Anderson goes for the rolling fireman’s carry, but Ray weighs too much, and just falls down on top of him. Neckbreaker by Ray gets 2. He mounts the middle rope, but Anderson cuts him off with a gut shot. Rolling fireman’s carry slam connects this time, but only gets 2. Anderson goes up top, but Ray falls into the ropes, crotching Anderson. Ray mounts the middle rope and lands a superplex.
As the match is going on, we see three more members of AandE in the back, and they are attacked from behind by Gunner, Robbie T and Kurt Angle. Back in the ring, Ray misses a big boot, but nails the Bully Bomb for 2. He goes for it again, and Anderson counters with a DDT. Up top, he hits the Kenton Bomb for 2. Ray ducks a clothesline and goes for the Bully Cutter, but Anderson shoves him off, hits the Mic Check and gets the 3.
Winner: Mr. Anderson, who gets 7 points, putting him in 7th place behind Bully Ray and Kurt Angle.
We see the leader of AandE, using the Ole Anderson voice modulator once again. He says TNA has wanted a fight all night long, but they’ve been playing their game, too. In about 3 minutes, AandE is going to unleash hell. Time to get out the Dead Man’s Hand. See you boys real soon.
End of show.
Wow. I go away for a few weeks. I come back, and the whole operation is in shambles.
You should really watch the Gut Check, though, if for no other reason than for its sheer unintentional comedy.
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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.
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