This week’s Impact Wrestling show opens up with agents separating Kurt Angle & Samoa Joe from EC3, Rockstar Spud and Magnus.
Magnus then heads to the ring, flanked by the two dipsh*ts I just mentioned. JB is on commentary with Mike Tenay tonight, as the show originates from Glasgow, Scotland. Magnus introduces himself, then speaks more slowly for the Scottish fans. Tonight, there is some business to take care of. There are a few of the boys in the back that have a problem with the fact that one of their friends is no longer in TNA, that being Sting. Sting has fallen to the reign of Magnus. Just like Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles, Sting had a hell of a run, but all good things must come to an end. As promised, Magnus ended Sting. It’s not “show friends”; it’s “show business”. This is a business, and in business, there’s a phrase for when the president decides to restructure and get rid of the dead wood. When they trim the fat, it’s what’s known as “the thinning of the herd”. President Dixie Carter and himself have decided to rid the land of TNA of the dinosaurs that were lumbering around, put those old bulls out to pasture, and make way for the new stars of the business, like the Bromans, Zema Ion, Rockstar Spud and himself. That’s exactly why he single-handedly eliminated your beloved Hardy, AJ and Sting from this business. EC3 cuts him off, asking if he just heard Magnus take credit for single-handedly getting rid of those guys. Magnus reiterates his previous statement, and EC3 cuts him off once more.
Before EC3 can continue, Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe hit the ring, with the heels immediately bailing. Angle says they came here for one reason tonight, to avenge not the thinning of the herd, but the screwing of the herd. Saying bye to Sting last week was the hardest thing he’s ever done in TNA. If Magnus wants to beat up Sting, that’s one thing. But to screw him with the stakes so high? Sting was right in calling Magnus a paper champion. Magnus tells Angle to watch his mouth before he says something he’ll regret. Angle says the only thing he regrets was letting Magnus into the MEM. They wanted him to become somebody. Magnus says he was already a somebody, and now he’s THE somebody. He’s the World Champion, not these guys, and that’s what’s really killing them. Joe says the only thing that is killing them is the fact that Magnus is breathing. Their patience has run out, and they have come to Glasgow to beat Magnus’ ass. Magnus suggests a tag team match with him & EC3 vs. Angle & Joe. However, there is a caveat: If his team wins, Joe and Magnus are gone. Joe offers to raise the stakes: if either of them beat Magnus’ team, the person who gets the fall becomes the #1 contender for the title. Joe understands the stakes are a little intense, especially for a paper champion. Magnus accepts.
Dixie Carter then shows up on stage and says no. She tells the sound guys to cut the music, even though there’s no music playing. She says this match won’t happen here tonight. Magnus has a problem with her telling him what he can and cant’ do. She says there’s a lot going on tonight, and she doesn’t need to worry about this. The new investor is on his way, and she can’t take the chance of Magnus losing the title to Joe or Angle. Magnus looks up at the ring and tells Joe and Angle that they still have a deal later tonight.
After some commercials, the side door of the van opens, and the American Wolves step out. Eddie Edwards tells AI that tonight, everyone’s questions will be answered, and Davey Richards says that anyone who wants to talk to the new investor has to go through them first.
MATCH 1: Gail Kim and Lei’D Tapa vs. Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne and Velvet Sky
Kim attacks Rayne as she is getting in the ring. She foot-chokes Rayne in the corner, and Tapa chokes her behind the ref’s back. Kim nails a forearm to the face, then hits a running clothesline for 2. Kim nails another forearm and a kick, but then misses the corner body attack. Rayne clotheslines her on the apron and tags in Sky, who hits a couple of clotheslines, a back elbow, a couple of kicks and a weak running neckbreaker. She follows up with a running facebuster for 2. She goes for In Yo Face, but Tapa comes in and nails Sky from behind. Rayne comes in and nails Kim with a spear. She dropkicks Tapa off the apron, and Sky recovers enough to hit In Yo Face on Kim for 3.
WINNERS: Madison Rayne and Velvet Sky. What the hell was the point of a match that short?
Chris Sabin marches down to the ring and orders Rayne out of the ring before calling her a tramp. He screams at Sky that he’s been trying to get a hold of her for a week with no response. Girlfriends are supposed to support boyfriends, not cost them championships. He doesn’t know if she’s on her period or what, but he’s willing to give her one chance right now to apologize. If she does that, they can put this behind them, she can go in the back, give him a massage, and life will move on. Sky has one thing to say: they’re done. She leaves the ring, and Sabin throws a fit.
We see Joe and Angle in the back, talking about later tonight. Joe says this ends tonight. They’re not going out like everyone else. They then enter a room, where Bobby Roode is standing alone. Angle attacks him, and we go to commercials.
Back from the break, Angle is still assaulting Roode until Joe pulls him off. Angle accuses Roode of being responsible for their friends losing their jobs. Roode starts to mouth off, so Joe chokes him and says he won’t kill Roode because he wants Roode to think about what will happen if he interferes later tonight. Joe then threatens to end him before leaving with Angle. Roode smiles as they walk away.
James Storm makes his way down to the ring. He calls out Gunner, then says he and Gunner were friends before he was in TNA. Then they became partners and World Tag Team Champions. Then, something along the way made things fall apart. He asks Gunner to come out now so he can put an end to all of this.
Gunner heads down to the ring, briefcase in-hand. He tells Storm that they both came to TNA with one goal in mind: to be great and remembered. He felt they did that as a team. As friends, they travelled together, worked out together, and even had a couple of bar fights together. But once he got the briefcase, things blew up. He’s not sure what happened along the way, but he had a career decision to make. He knows what kind of man Storm is, and on any given day in that situation, Storm would have done the same thing for himself and his family. They travelled a lot, and Gunner told him dark things he never told anyone else. There’s a reason he got the nickname “Gunner”. He came home alive, but watched a lot of friends fall in the Marine Corps. In the Marines, he was a man who fought for his fellow men. A nonsensical “U-S-A!” chant breaks out. He came home, but a lot of his friends died. Same thing with in the ring: he and Storm left it all in the ring. He fought beside Storm every night. Storm knows all of Gunner’s war stories. He knows he’s a great man, and one that doesn’t take credit. Storm then compliments Gunner as a wrestler. Storm is just a redneck from Tennessee. But, the most important thing in his life are his kids. Last week, his daughter asked why he’s mad at Gunner. He said he wasn’t mad, and that’s when he realized all the blame he’s been laying on Gunner, he should have laid on himself. He told his other partners he had their back, and he didn’t have Gunner’s back. He’s proud of Gunner, and he’s got his back. He offers a handshake, then apologizes.
Bad Influence interrupt the love fest. Kazarian says no one believes anything Storm has to say. No one is going to listen to a drunken, dime-store cowboy. Gunner is all beard and no brains, but he hopes Gunner isn’t believing Storm. Storm wants beer, attention, ugly, fat women, and the World title. Christopher Daniels has an idea, proposing a tag team match. If Gunner thinks his partner is trustworthy, why doesn’t he put his case on the line so one of them gets the shot when they win? Storm and Gunner respond by assaulting BI, and a referee appears out of nowhere before the bell rings. Commercials.
MATCH 2: Gunner and James Storm vs. Bad Influence (Christopher Daniels and Kazarian); if Gunner and Storm lose, the wrestler getting the fall gets Gunner’s Feast or Fired case
Back from the break, Storm and Kaz are the legal men. Storm nails an uppercut in the corner, then tags in Gunner. Gunner hits a body shot and a right to the head. Kaz reverses a corner whip and runs into a back elbow. Gunner mounts the middle rope, knocks Daniels off the apron, then gets nailed with a step-up enziguri from Kaz. Kaz throws Gunner to the corner and tags in Daniels. They put Gunner on his knees, Kaz hits a kick, Daniels lands a clothesline to the back of the head, and Kaz follows up with a running senton for 2. Daniels hits a snapmare near the ropes and heads outside as Kaz tags in. Daniels hits a slingshot elbow, and Kaz follows up with a slingshot legdrop for 2 as Storm breaks it up. Gunner comes back with rights and a back elbow. Gunner looks for a tag, but Daniels taunts Storm on the outside. Kaz attacks Gunner in the ring before tagging out to Daniels, who beats Gunner down. Kaz taunts Storm from the apron as Gunner rolls Daniels up for 2. The ref makes a late count, with Gunner getting 2. Daniels pops up with an enziguri, then calls for the Angel’s Wings. Gunner counters with a back body drop and tags in Storm. Storm hits a forearm off the ropes, followed by an inverted atomic drop and a clothesline. He hits an apron kick out of the corner and lands a top rope cross-body for 2. Kaz tries to break it up with an elbow, but Storm sees him coming, causing him to land on Daniels. Storm throws Kaz to the floor, then calls for the Eye of the Storm. Kaz tags in and hits a seated missile dropkick. Gunner tags in and hits a running knee. He follows up with another one in the corner and a slingshot suplex. Up top now, Daniels tries to knock Gunner down. Storm hits him with a Last Call, knocking him to the floor. Gunner hits a diving headbutt on Kaz and gets 3.
WINNERS: Gunner and James Storm. Gunner holds onto his briefcase as a result.
We see Dixie Carter in the back, flipping out about the American Wolves. Rockstar Spud is trying to calm her down, so she orders him to find out who the investor is, and don’t come back until he knows for sure.
We get a video package for Samoa Joe.
Dixie is on the phone with her attorney, who apparently knows nothing. The call is ended when Bobby Roode enters the room. Dixie says she doesn’t have time for him if he knows nothing about the investor. Roode doesn’t care. He just wants the title shot she promised him, and he wants it at Lockdown. She says it won’t happen. He says it will, because she gave him her word twice. He served AJ Styles to Magnus on a silver platter and ended Sting’s career. He doesn’t care what’s on Dixie’s plate tonight. He also doesn’t want her money. She has one week to figure this out and give him an answer. And, until this is settled, he’s not giving her any more favors.
Eric Young is in the back with ODB, excited about his tag title match tonight. ODB is worried about EY teaming with Abyss tonight. She asks about Abyss choking him last week. As his wife, she loves him, but she’s also worried about him. They call Abyss a monster for a reason. As she leaves, Abyss walks in. EY asks if he’s ready, and Abyss simply holds up a bag of thumbtacks.
Rockstar Spud is walking around in the back and catches AI. Dixie wants to know who this investor is, and he’s going to get the answer from the Wolves right now.
Spud makes his way down to the ring. He insults the Scottish audience, calling them the “England B-Team”. He’s here for one reason only. Under orders of your TNA president, Madame Dixie Carter, he’s here to find out who this investor is. He’s here for the Wolves, and he wants them to bring their carcasses into this ring right now to face the chief-of-staff.
The American Wolves head down to the ring, and of course they have generic music. Spud immediately begins asking who the investor is, and they won’t respond. Spud has seen cop shows like “Magnum TA”, and he knows how interrogations work. He continues to ask the same question, and is still getting no response. They might be the best team in the world, but he’s Rockstar Spud. He’s the COS. He pushed Jeff Hardy over a “500-pound” ladder. He’s the man who beat Samoa Joe within an inch of his life last week. And Mr. Carter told him he’s a fierce tiger. He slaps Davey Richards while screaming at him. Richards and Eddie Edwards take off their jackets and roll their sleeves up. The double boot him before hitting a double-team version of the Alarm Clock. Edwards tells Spud to tell Dixie that she will find out who the investor is the same time everyone else will. Don’t worry, because it will happen tonight. The investor does have a message: they are very interested in the main event, and if any wrestler interferes in that match, they will be fired.
We get a video package for the never-ending saga of Joseph Park/Abyss and Eric Young.
MATCH 3-World Tag Team Championship: Abyss and Eric Young vs. The Bromans (Jesse and Robbie E, w/Zema Ion; Champions)
Anyone else notice there has not been a single one-on-one match tonight, including the announced main event for later tonight? As Abyss and EY enter the ring, we get a graphic saying this match is for the World X-Division Championship. Man, this show is on fire with the botches tonight. We get an entirely too long promo from Ion, introducing the champs. EY and E start the match, and E assaults EY in the corner. EY does the Flair Flip off a corner whip, slides through E’s legs and hits a flying forearm. Abyss chokes E from the apron until EY tells him to back off. Jesse tags in and clubs EY from behind. He nails a body shot in the corner, followed by a shoulder thrust. EY avoids a corner whip and hits a belly-to-belly suplex for 2. Abyss comes in illegally and chokes Jesse out in the corner. EY once again tells him to back off, and Jesse clubs him from behind again. Jesse chokes EY in the corner, then tags out to E. EY puts on the breaks off a double Irish whip, and Abyss comes in from behind with a double headbutt. EY once more tells Abyss to get out, and E chop-blocks him from behind. He stomps EY down and hits a sloppy elbow from the middle rope. Jesse tags in and hits a dropkick for 2. Jesse gets another 2 off an illegal choke by Ion, then applies a top wristlock. EY elbows out, but gets nailed with a back elbow. E tags in and chokes EY over the middle rope. Jesse back in, and the Bromans go for a double back suplex. EY backflips out and falls into an Abyss tag. Abyss comes in with a double clothesline, then hits each member with another one. Jesse gets whipped into E in the corner, where the champs receive a double avalanche. Jesse gets thrown to the floor, and E gets knocked through the ropes with a right. Ion climbs to the top, where Abyss goozles him for a 5-count. The referee gets in Abyss’ face, so Abyss picks him up for the Shock Treatment. EY tries to talk Abyss out of it, but to no avail. Abyss hits the move, and now EY is screaming at him. He checks on the ref, then turns around into a chokeslam by Abyss. Abyss then leaves the ring and heads up the ramp.
WINNER: No contest. Before he can head to the back, EY asks Abyss if this is it, if this is how he wants it. EY only has one experiment left. He asks if Abyss wants to get crazy, then says he invented crazy. Next week, he wants a one-on-one match with Abyss, and it will be Monster’s Ball. Abyss smiles and says he’s going to hurt EY.
We see the Wolves outside by their van. Eddie Edwards tells AI to settle down, or he’ll get what Rockstar Spud received earlier. Davey Richards appears to be talking to someone in the van.
We see Bully Ray wheeling a casket around in the back.
Christy Hemme appears to be in an apartment. Samuel Shaw enters with two glasses of wine. They talk about the view until Hemme notices that Shaw put his hand right on the candle. He says he’s fine, so she then asks to see the rest of his place, since she’s never seen upstairs. Shaw looks at himself in the mirror as she looks at the view from a window. Shaw tells her he likes her hair down, and she then goes off to check the rest of the place out. She tries to go in some room, but he says there’s nothing in there before asking her to get more wine. He turns a light on, and there’s a wall covered in photos of Hemme. He kisses the one in the middle before leaving the room.
Bully Ray heads down to the ring, rolling the casket in front of him. He introduces himself, then says where he’s from. He is the man who used to be the president of Aces and Eights. He’s the man who used to be the World Champion. But one man took that away from him. One man took away his club. One man took away his colors. One man took away his life. That man is somebody that all of you people seem to love and adore. That man is Ken Anderson. He has dropped Anderson on his head, and has tried to break his neck. But Anderson keeps coming back. No matter what Ray does, Anderson keeps showing up in what is now Ray’s miserable life. He challenges Anderson to one final match, and you can’t win by pinfall, submission, count-out or disqualification; no, you must put your opponent in this coffin.
Mr. Anderson makes his way down to the ring, mic in-hand. Ray drops to the floor, near the casket/coffin. Anderson molests the casket, then asks if he heard Ray say he wants to put Anderson in the coffin. What will Ray do after that? Ray threatens to piledrive Anderson’s wife and kids. He then says he’d love to piledrive Anderson’s wife. Anderson says everyone is sick of Ray, “running his freaking jibs”. Ray won’t put him in the casket. He’s going to do these people a favor and shut Ray’s mouth. Anderson’s wife and kids say “hi”. Anderson opens the lid right into Ray’s face, then slams him face-first onto it. Anderson grabs a chair and slides it in the ring before rolling Ray in there. Ray hits him with a back elbow and mounts the middle rope, but Anderson cuts him off and hits a rolling fireman’s carry slam. He grabs the chair and nails Ray in the gut before cracking it across his back. Ray heads to the apron, where he avoids a shot to the head.
We get a ridiculous video for Kurt Angle, where he’s made up to look like the Terminator.
Magnus and EC3 are in the back. Magnus asks if EC3 is ready before calling him a hothead. EC3 is all mouth and muscles. Magnus is all brains and strategy. He knows EC3 doesn’t like him, and that’s fine, because at least they have something in common. Magnus isn’t thrilled about having a green rookie as his partner tonight. EC3 accuses him of making excuses. Magnus calls him an excuse for a wrestler with the right last name, and he can cry to “aunt D” about that. EC3 says the only thing green about him is the money his family has invested in Magnus…Dixie Carter enters the room and they stop bickering. Magnus kisses up to Dixie by calling EC3 a star. Dixie says the future is now, and they need to take Joe & Magnus out. She asks to escort Magnus to the ring, then tells EC3 to not let her down.
MATCH 4: Ethan Carter III and World Champion Magnus vs. Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe; if Magnus’ team wins, Joe and Angle are gone from TNA. If Angle’s team wins, the wrestler getting the fall becomes the #1 Contender for the World Championship
Angle and EC3 start with a lock-up. Angle goes into a waistlock, and EC3 reverses. Angle then reverses. EC3 counters into a side headlock before shouldering Angle off the ropes. They crisscross, and Angle hits a hiptoss, followed by an armdrag. He applies an arm wringer before tagging in Joe. Joe hits a series of snap jabs in the corner, then corner-whips him before hitting a running hip bump and a jumping spin kick. Joe hits a snapmare, a chop to the back, a kick to the chest and a running kneedrop. Angle tags in, and the faces hit a double shoulderblock. He begins kicking EC3 in the knee before foot-choking him in the corner. Angle follows up with a suplex into a float-over for 2. He picks EC3 up for a punch to the face, then assaults him in the corner. EC3 gets corner-whipped, but avoids a charge, sending Angle shoulder-first into the ring post. Magnus tags in and begins stomping Angle in the corner as we see the Wolves’ van outside on split-screen. They exit the van, and we see the investor step out, but only from the shin down. Meanwhile, in the ring, Magnus is assaulting Angle in the corner. Commercials.
Back from the break, EC3 makes the tag and hits a suplex on Angle for 2. He applies a version of the katahajime, then turns it into a sloppy camel clutch to make Angle humble. Angle fights out before running into a jumping clothesline for 2. EC3 throws Angle to the corner and tags in Magnus, who hits a European uppercut. He taunts Joe, and EC3 chokes Angle behind the ref’s back. EC3 tags in and corner-whips Angle. Angle avoids a running dropkick and hits a release German suplex. Joe and Magnus tag in. Joe hits a pair of clotheslines, a corner whip, an inverted atomic drop, a running boot and a running senton. Joe lands a chop on the ropes, then snaps off a powerslam before applying a jujigatame. EC3 breaks up the hold with some stomps, then gets dragged to the floor by Angle, who hits an overhead belly-to-belly outside. Magnus turns around into a chop by Joe, misses a misdirection clothesline and gets locked in the Kokina Clutch, eventually tapping out.
WINNERS: Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe, with Joe now being the new #1 contender for the World title.
Dixie Carter and Rockstar Spud come down and tells Magnus that this could happen. Joe tells Magnus he gambled, but the odds caught up to him. Not only are he and Angle staying in TNA for a long time, but Magnus is now staring at the #1 contender for the World title. Don’t bother blaming this on EC3, because in this ring, in front of these fans, Magnus tapped out. Soon, there will be no excuses, so shine the belt, because Joe is gonna kill you. Angle says it’s nights like this that make him proud to be in this business, that the pains, aches and disappointments go away. He’s been in TNA for 8 years and done it all, but to finally beat Bobby Roode in a cage last week and then win tonight, he’s happy to say Kurt Angle is back. Dixie, bring your checkbook, because the time has come for him to be rightfully inducted into the TNA Hall of Fame. And make sure to invite the new investor, because he won’t want to miss this.
We hear a clock ticking, so you can pretty much guess who it is. The Wolves come out onto the stage, and they are followed by MVP (which is how Tenay refers to him, so I’m wondering if he owns the trademark).
End of show.
Wow. Four sub-par tag team matches and a whole buttload of talking. TNA with another slam-dunk tonight.
Dustin Nichols is a freelance writer, and you can keep track of all of his work on his Facebook page, which can be found at www.facebook.com/DustinNicholsWriter. Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out his mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:
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