This week’s TNA Impact Wrestling will feature the horrible, awful, horrendous return of Feast or Fired.
We see Rockstar Spud on the phone with Dixie Carter in his car. He’s well on his way to Gainesville, GA, and he’s leaving her a message to let her know that. He then hangs up and says he’s lost.
We see Joseph Park and Eric Young in the back. EY asks if Park is ready, then says it’s time for revenge against Bad Influence. Park doesn’t know if he’s ready for this. EY says this is his chance. Park needs to show everyone what’s inside of him tonight. He asks Park to trust him, and then they head to the ring.
MATCH 1: Bad Influence (Christopher Daniels and Kazarian) vs. Joseph Park and Eric Young
Daniels starts the match with EY, booting him and applying a side headlock. They crisscross until EY hits a flying forearm. He applies an arm wringer and tags in Park, who takes over on the hold until Daniels rakes the eyes. He misses an elbow in the corner and Park tags EY back in, who hits a dropkick. Daniels recovers, tags in Kaz, and Kaz receives a back body drop. EY mounts him in the corner for some punches, then throws Kaz to the adjacent corner to tag in Park. Park goes for a suplex, but Kaz breaks free, hits a shot and lands a dropkick. He hits a forearm in the corner and throws Park to the adjacent corner, tagging in Daniels. They pull Park down with a double arm wringer, Kaz follows up with a kick, Daniels clotheslines him in the back of the head, and Kaz hits a running senton. Daniels boots Park down before tagging in Kaz, who kicks Park in the chest. Kaz talks some trash before knocking EY off the apron. Daniels comes in and holds Park up so Kaz can slap him around. EY hits the ring and knocks both members of BI down before throwing them both to the floor. He orders Park to get up and to show some fight. EY pulls him up in a headlock, then begins punching him, I guess trying to bust him open in the process. Sure enough, Park is now bleeding. EY shows him the blood, and Park begins his turn. He looks at both members of BI as they hit him, and he drops them with a double clothesline. Kaz receives a chokeslam, and Daniels gets an avalanche, followed by the Shock Treatment. Kaz shoulders him from the apron and flips back into the ring before running right into the Black Hole Slam for 3.
WINNERS: Joseph Park and Eric Young. After the match, EY says that got crazy. 18 months ago, Park started looking for his brother, Abyss. He knows exactly why he can’t find Abyss, and the reason is because Park is Abyss. He drops the mic, pats Park on the shoulder and walks away as Park says, “No, I’m not.” An awkward-sounding “You are Abyss” chant breaks out.
We get a video from the #Impact365 nonsense, and it’s Ethan Carter III receiving a massage. He says conditioning is critical. Last week, he took out a legend, and this week, he’s going to have a legendary moment that will make social media explode.
Ethan Carter III makes his way down to the ring for his match. However, before that happens, he tells referee Brian Hebner not to worry, as he’s safe today. Last week, after giving Earl Hebner the shining moment of his career, he has something different today. Tonight, his hand-picked opponent will blow social media up…because he’s going to face TNA’s social media guru, Jeremy Borash. He’s a Carter, and he’s ordering JB into the ring now.
Before that happens, Sting’s music hits, and he makes his way down. Sting says he can’t believe he’s in the ring with such greatness, then asks for a handshake. Carter is a shooting star, and Sting thinks he should just hook his finger to Carter’s belt loop and hang on. He’s a shooting star, but the truth of the matter is Carter has done absolutely nothing in this business. He thinks he can have everything fed to him on a silver spoon, become a superstar based on vignettes, or because he has the right last name, have doors opened for him that should never have been opened. What Carter did to Earl Hebner last week was despicable, and now he wants to wrestle JB. Later tonight, Feast or Fired will take place. Men will take risks and chances in that match, and Sting thinks it’s time for Carter to man up and enroll himself in that match. Or, Carter could just fight Sting right now. Carter says this is the “Icon”, Sting, wanting him to do something memorable. Carter says he’s on…tonight he will compete in Feast or Fired. Carter then leaves the ring.
We see Rockstar Spud still driving around, and he pulls into a gas station. He gets out to ask for directions. The attendant knows AJ Styles, and says his friends usually hang out at a bar about a mile down the road. Spud gets back into the car and says that Dixie will be so happy with him.
We get a video package for Jeff Hardy and Magnus, talking about making it to the finals of the World title tournament.
Gail Kim and Lei’D Tapa make their way out. Kim says it’s another week of her open challenge, and frankly, the competition has been a bit below average. She can’t wait to see what the next challenger will be. Come on out. ODB makes her way out, and Kim is confused, since ODB is on the active roster. She says that this won’t happen, as ODB obviously didn’t get the memo. She said BETTER competition. She has beaten ODB over and over, so get out. ODB rips the mic out of her hand and says Kim doesn’t get it. She isn’t out here to kick Kim’s butt; she’s wants Tapa’s. She decks Tapa, then nails her with forearms and chops in the corner before clotheslining Kim. She boots Tapa, sends her across the ring and then goes for a fall-away slam, but Kim clips her knee. The two begin double-teaming her in the corner with stomps before Tapa foot-chokes her. Someone runs into the ring and spears Kim before slamming her head into the mat. She gets up and…lo and behold, it’s the “King of Queens” herself, my soul-mate Madison “Secretariat” Rayne. Rayne throws Kim to the floor and forearms Tapa before getting knocked on her ass. ODB gets back up, and the two hit a series of forearms on Tapa before double-clotheslining her to the floor. Thanks for ruining red hair for me, Maddy.
Back to the adventures of Rockstar Spud, he’s in the bar AJ Styles supposedly hangs out in. He climbs up onto a barstool and yells for the bartender. When she shows up, he asks if she knows Alan Jones. She says she serves beer, not information. Spud asks if he buys a drink, she’ll give him information. She agrees, so he puts a dollar on the bar and asks for a “Ladyboy Chaser”. After describing the drink, , she stares blankly at him before bringing back a beer bottle with a lemon wedge in it.
After a blurb about Feast or Fired, we’re back to the bar in Georgia. Rockstar Spud asks everyone in the bar via the house mic about AJ Styles, and someone from the bar says that the mic is only for singing. He says he is a rockstar, and the band begins to play some music, and he sings the phrase “God save the Queen”, then repeats “Do you know what I mean?” over and over before a bouncer throws him out.
James Storm and Gunner are in the locker room. Gunner apologizes for what happened last week. Storm says a lot of things are testing their bond lately, but tonight, they have a chance to right all of those wrongs in Feast or Fired tonight. Gunner can grab the World Tag Team title briefcase. Storm can grab the World title briefcase, and they could have all the gold. Gunner reminds him one of them could also be fired. Storm spits out his dumbass catchphrase and walks away. Gunner simply responds with, “Okay.”
Rockstar Spud is back in his car, but then immediately gets out and turns a flashlight on before running down a dark road.
Dixie Carter makes her way out, as we are getting a face-to-face segment with Jeff Hardy and Magnus, hosted by her. She says that, earlier tonight, Kurt Angle destroyed the Wheel of Dixie, and she is quite sure the Smithsonian was going to call her to put it on display. Now, what does she have? Nothing, because of Angle whining and fussing about redemption. She’ll give him redemption one week from now. It’ll be best-of-3-falls. However, her bigger headache tonight remains to be AJ Styles. AJ continues to make a mockery of her and her World title. But guess what? Next week, she gets a new World Champion. A real World Champion. HER World Champion. Right now, she’d like to bring out the two men fighting for the title.
Magnus makes his way out first, followed by Hardy. Magnus’ entrance theme is beyond generic. Dixie says either one of these men would make an outstanding champion for her and her company, but with the match being a week away, she wanted to know if they had any final words for each other. Magnus allows Hardy to speak first, and he says he won the BFG Series last year, then won the title at BFG. This year at BFG, all he did was defeat purpose. That was then, this is now. In one week, he and his stupid fans win the World title once again. He then starts a chant for himself, because he’s not at all in any way a complete douche waffle. Magnus says he may be the youngest guy in the whole tournament, but he’s not stupid, blind or deaf. These fans are Hardy’s people, and Hardy has earned that respect. He then thanks Hardy for putting food on his table as a top guy in this business. But next week, Hardy isn’t anything to him except the final obstacle at Final Resolution. If he’s going to be #1, he has to beat #1 one, and he sees Hardy as #1. He has to beat Hardy next week, and has every intention of doing that. The two shake hands, and Dixie interrupts to announce the stipulation. Even though the wheel was destroyed, one match was left. A special match, and that is what they will compete in next week: Dixie Land.
We then get a video for the upcoming match. It begins in a steel cage, where you have to escape over the top. Once your feet hit the floor, you have to go to a ladder, where the title hangs from above. Back to the arena, both Hardy and Magnus look unimpressed. Dixie says that whoever wins will ride on her private jet and represent the company in every endeavor. It won’t be easy, but she can promise it will be worth it, and her door will always be open as well. Her VIP table will also be open tonight, and if these two are smart enough, they’ll take her up on that.
Velvet Sky is in the back when she’s approached by Chris Sabin. He compliments himself on how great he looks, then asks if she has his back against Austin Aries tonight. He asks if she changed her hair, she says no, and he says, “No, you didn’t? Hmmm!” He then rolls his eyes as they walk away.
Back to Spud, he finds AJ’s house and looks for a way in. The door isn’t locked, so he lets himself in and begins searching for the title belt. He sits on a futon and puts his foot on the table, which makes a metallic sound. He looks down and sees the belt, and as he grabs it, AJ walks down the stairs behind him. AJ asks if a little British man could just come into town, throw his name around, and he wouldn’t be the first one to get a call? He knew Spud was coming, and that’s why he left the door unlocked. He’s one step ahead of Spud and Dixie. Now, he can call the police, or he can call some friends. He asks Spud if he’s ever seen Pulp Fiction, then grabs the belt out of Spud’s hand before he can leave with it.
Mr. Anderson is in the back, saying it’s time to focus on getting the World title back, which is exactly what he’s going to do.
MATCH 2-World X-Division Championship: Austin Aries vs. Chris Sabin (Champion, w/Velvet Sky)
The two lock up, and Aries applies a side headlock. Sabin backs him into the corner, then shoves him. Aries chops Sabin before running into a knee and a side headlock. He breaks free, they crisscross and both put on the breaks simultaneously. The crisscross again, and this time, Aries suckers Sabin into missing an elbow drop. Sabin rolls to the floor for a breather, and Aries suckers him into a corner charge. Aries heads outside and stares at Sky before Sabin heads out. Aries moves, hits a baseball slide from back in the ring and goes up for a dive, but Sabin puts Sky in front of him before clipping Aries’ legs on the apron. He rams Aries chest-first into the apron, then rolls him back in the ring. Aries fights back with strikes, but gets a knee to the face. Aries reverses a corner whip, gets back dropped to the outside, lands on his feet on the apron, forearms Sabin before hotshotting him, then misses a missile dropkick. Sabin hits an inverted sidewinder into a ribbreaker for 2, then picks Aries up for some rights before applying an abdominal stretch. He breaks the hold to go for a suplex, and instead drops Aries gut-first across the top rope for 2. Sabin goes for the move again, but Aries blocks it and hits one of his own. Sabin is gets knocked off the apron with forearm shots and ear-boxes before being sent flying off a rolling elbow. Aries goes up top and hits a double axe handle to the floor. He rolls Sabin back in the ring, climbs up top and connects with a missile dropkick. Sabin rolls to the opposite corner, where he blocks a charge with a big boot. Sabin goes for a tornado DDT, but Aries throws him off and Japanese armdrags him into the buckles. Aries connects with a running corner dropkick, and Sabin is now draped across the middle rope, where he grabs Sky by the hand, pulling her up to the apron as Aries pulls Sabin back in the ring. Aries yells at Sky, which allows Sabin to roll him up for 2. As Aries kicks out, he sends Sabin towards Sky on the apron, but Sabin puts on the brakes. When he turns around, Aries hits him with the brainbuster for 3.
WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: Austin Aries.
After some commercials, we see Aries in the back when he’s approached by Sabin and Sky. He accuses Aries of putting Sky in danger and using her to win the title. He has a rematch, but it doesn’t matter, because he’s in Feast or Fired later, and he might win a shot at the X-Division title, or get the World title match and bypass Aries. What does Aries think of that? Aries says he’s going to steal Sabin’s idea and enter Feast or Fired as well. Sabin asks if he’s going to steal his woman next, and Aries says Sabin is just full of good ideas tonight.
Magnus is talking about his match next week when a phone call interrupts his interview.
Mr. Anderson is the first man out for Feast or Fired, and after saying that Aces and Eights is gone and calling himself the next World Champion, Bully Ray makes his way out, nails Anderson from behind and piledrives him on the stage. Ray takes Anderson’s mic and says that, in the beginning, good always overpowered man’s evil sins. But in time, nations grew weak, cities plunged and evil stood strong. In the depths of hell stood the blackest of hate, and he who is fear awaits you. Now, many lifetimes later, you lay destroyed, beaten down, a corpse of a rebel and bloodstained streets. It has been written those who have the youth have the future. Ken Anderson, you have raped him of his future. Your wife is pregnant with twins, and he is going to see to it that he is responsible for their future.
MATCH 3-Feast or Fired Match: Samoa Joe vs. Chris Sabin vs. Hernandez vs. Chavo Guerrero vs. Curry Man vs. Zema Ion vs. Dewey Barnes vs. Norv Fernum vs. Gunner vs. James Storm vs. World X-Division Champion Austin Aries vs. Ethan Carter III
Don’t expect much of a recap here, as these matches are always complete clusterf*cks in every sense of the word. Carter is the last man out for this match, and the brawl begins. Curry Man immediately bails on the match and heads to the back. Fernum misses a splash on Sabin on out outside. Aries hits him, Sabin and Barnes with a corkscrew plancha. Ion hits Aries with a baseball slide. Hernandez hits Ion with an Air Mexico. Storm gets backdropped by Gunner to the outside onto the others. Barnes and Fernum hit a pair of somersault planchas. Joe wipes them out with a suicide dive. Carter is the last man in the ring, and he immediately goes for briefcase #3, capturing it. Commercials.
We’re down to two cases as this “match” goes on. Aries goes for case #4, but gets cut off by Storm. Aries wipes him and Hernandez out with a cross-body before knocking Joe to the floor. He whips Chavo, then whips Storm, then sends Gunner into Storm before hitting a clothesline on Hernandez. He hits a few dropkicks on the other competitors before knocking Joe to the floor once again. He goes up for case #4 again, but Barnes and Fernum pull him back down. Aries takes them out with a double rolling elbow. They backdrop him to the floor, and he lands on the apron before hitting a double hotshot. He hits a double 450 splash, then goes for case #4 yet again. Sabin grabs his foot and yanks him to the floor before whipping him into the steps. Aries counters and sends Sabin knees-first into the steps. Joe is back in the ring, attacking Chavo in the corner. Hernandez is back in as well. Joe misses a corner charge, blocks a monkey flip, then gets knocked down. Hernandez throws Chavo onto the top rope, and Chavo grabs case #4. Joe tees off on Storm as we’re down to one case. Storm and Gunner hit a double-team on Joe, but Hernandez dodges the same move. Gunner sends him into the corner and hits a corner clothesline. Hernandez boots him away, flips to the top rope, but is then cut off by Fernum and Barnes. They go for a double superplex, and Gunner comes in, completing the Tower of Doom spot. Joe eats a Last Call from Storm on the apron, then climbs up for the case. Gunner crotches him on the top rope, stands on Storm and grabs the last case.
WINNERS: Ethan Carter III, Zema Ion, Chavo Guerrero and Gunner.
We see Dixie Carter in her VIP lounge or whatever it’s supposed to be, drinking wine. Jeff Hardy enters the room and sits down to have a glass of wine with her.
End of show.
Dustin Nichols is a freelance writer, and you can keep track of all of his work on his Facebook page, which can be found at www.facebook.com/DustinNicholsWriter. Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out his mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:
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