TNA Impact Wrestling opens with Bully Ray outside spray painting a table.
Earlier today, Eric Young was talking about how there’s no surprise to him that he’s still champion. He enters MVP’s office, and MVP says no one ever expected EY to be the guy to dethrone Magnus. Magnus ducked challenges, but EY looks for him, and he respects that. EY says he’s dreamed about this moment, and now it’s reality. He’s defending the belt for the fans, and wants to put it up once more tonight. MVP likes that and hands him a deck of cards. They’re going to gamble a bit to determine his opponent.
A moment later, Mr. Anderson and Gunner walk in, and Bobby Roode is shortly thereafter. All three were successful at Sacrifice, so they’re all in contention. MVP says they’re going to draw cards. The highest card gets the advantage. The lower two card holders face each other. The winner of that faces the high-card holder, and the winner of that match faces EY for the title tonight. Anderson draws a 4 of Spades; Gunner draws a 4 of Diamonds; Roode draws an Ace of Diamonds, making him the high-card holder, so he has the advantage tonight.
The camera cuts to the crowd, and Abyss is walking around. He crosses the guardrail and begins assaulting Magnus at ringside. He slams Magnus face-first into the apron, then grabs a chair as Magnus is leaning against the post. He swings, but Magnus ducks and rolls into the ring. Abyss follows, and Magnus begins to get the advantage with kicks and punches. Abyss goozles him as he goes for another right. Magnus escapes with a boot to the gut, but then gets goozled off the ropes before getting planted with a chokeslam. Abyss grabs the chair from earlier, and the crowd is chanting for Janice. Abyss throws the chair down and finds Janice under the ring, which is funny, since he’s “not an employee”. Magnus recovers enough to head for the hills as Abyss re-enters the ring.
As Mike Tenay begins to run down tonight’s card, Bully Ray comes out, lugging the table we saw him with earlier. He shows the table to the crowd, and the word “DIXIE” is sprayed on it. He leans it in the corner, and says a woman snuck up from behind and pushed him off the top buckle through two tables on the floor. He bruised a rib, he fractured a rib, but guess what, Dixie? He’s still standing. He might not be as big and bad as he used to be, but he’s tougher than nails, and it’ll take more than an ugly woman to end his career. So help him God, if he sees her tonight in the building, she’s going through that table.
A limo pulls up in the parking lot, and of course Dixie’s inside. AI says she must be happy about Sacrifice, and she says he has no idea before wagging her finger and heading inside.
In the catering area, Dixie is getting coffee, when Rockstar Spud shows up and tells her what just happened. She says she’s not afraid of him. She didn’t break a sweat or a nail at Sacrifice when she pushed Ray through the table. He’s all bark and no bite. She’s a lady and his boss, so if anyone should worry, it’s Ray, because she doesn’t take kindly to threats.
MATCH 1-Winner moves on to face Bobby Roode for a shot at the World title at stake: Mr. Anderson vs. Gunner
They lock up, and Gunner backs Anderson to the corner. Anderson counters with a headlock, and Gunner then follows with one of his own out of the opposite corner. Anderson escapes and reapplies his. Gunner then does the same before hitting a shoulder off the ropes. They crisscross, and Anderson tries a hiptoss. Gunner blocks and tries one of his own. Anderson blocks and goes for a swinging neckbreaker, but Gunner blocks it by grabbing the ropes before going back to the side headlock. Anderson counters into another one, then reapplies it after a corner break. He does this again. Man, talk about exciting stuff here. Gunner breaks it with a shoulder thrust in the corner, then hits a snapmare. Anderson comes back with a grounded hammerlock. Gunner breaks it with a back elbow before running into a clothesline for 1. Anderson goes back to the headlock, because he still hates Randy Orton. Gunner throws him face-first into the top buckle. Anderson comes back with a back elbow, then runs into one by Gunner. Gunner hits a clothesline, misses another one, then catches Anderson off the ropes with a fall-away slam. He goes up top, but then jumps down when James Storm comes to ringside. Gunner knocks him off, then turns around into an attempted Mic Check. He breaks free and goes for a corner whip. Anderson reverses and charges in, but Gunner moves out of the way. As the ref checks on him, Storm, who is still on the apron, nails a kick to the head on Anderson. Anderson stumbles into Gunner, who hits the Hangar 18 for 3.
WINNER: Gunner, who moves on to face Bobby Roode later tonight. Storm looks on, smiling.
Magnus is in the locker room, packing his bag and ready to leave when some guy who looks like Gunner walks in. Apparently, his name is Brahm (?), and he’s a friend from England (based on his accent). Brahm says they need to talk. He’s here to knock some sense into Magnus’ head, then calls him a sorry excuse for what he used to be. He’s an embarrassment to everyone in the UK, including his friends and family. This isn’t Magnus. Doesn’t he remember the booze and the women, the drinking and fighting? Magnus has gone soft. Brahm shoves him against a locker and says he’s here for Magnus’ own good.
EC3 is in the ring and says in seven days, he has the greatest challenge of his career. It’s a dream match for everyone, including his opponent, that being Kurt Angle. This is a match that was supposed to take place at Lockdown, but EC3 took out his knee beforehand. Angle was forced into surgery, but now he’s back. He’s back, and that makes EC3 very happy. He’s truly glad Angle is back because there’s no way he can validate himself as a new American icon until he can defeat Angle. He’s never been pinned, he’s never submitted, and he’s sure as hell not going to start now. In a week, he’s got Angle, but tonight, he’s got a special treat. He’s an accomplished mat technician, and was 288-0 at his prep school. Tonight’s exhibition requires a sparring partner, one who’s ferocious like a lion and quick like a gazelle. Tonight, his sparring partner is Rockstar Spud.
Spud comes out in a singlet and headgear. EC3 says they are highly-trainted professionals, and this is very important. Spud says accidents can happen, and no one should try this at home. The two then have a “sparring session”, with EC3 mostly hitting some basic takedowns. EC3 tells him to assume the position, and Spud gets down on all fours. Before EC3 can turn over, Angle comes down the ramp, mic in-hand. He calls this cute. He could school EC3 now, but he instead needs to be prepared for Angle. Angle is out for blood. EC3 injured him, then mocked him. That pisses him off. When EC3 shows up, Angle will beat him and end his undefeated streak. Not only that, he will hurt EC3. He will snap EC3’s ankle in two, and he won’t stop there. Enjoy walking around until next week, because the pain starts in seven days. He’s going to make EC3 watch the video from Ringu/The Ring, right?
The Beautiful People head out to the ring, talking about their celebration that they have planned.
We see video of Knux and his girlfriend Tanea (?). He doesn’t want Tanea in his corner; he wants Rebel. She likes that, and says he’ll get all the Rebel all he can handle, and it’ll be just the two of them. Knux says it’ll actually be four: him, Rebel, Crazy Steve and the Freak. Rebel doesn’t like this at all. Knux says they need all the help they can get. It’s already done, and they’re going to pick them up right now. “The Menagerie” debuts next week.
F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK.
MATCH 2-Winner becomes the new #1 contender for the World Championship: Gunner vs. Bobby Roode
They lock up, and Gunner backs Roode to the corner, giving a clean break. Roode responds with a boot to the gut, then tees off on Gunner in the opposite corner before stomping him down. Gunner gets kicked off the ropes, no-sells it and hits a shoulderblock. He nails a couple of rights and a headbutt, then goes back to the rights. Roode gets corner-whipped, then hit with a back-body drop. Gunner hits a falling headbutt for 2, then gets thrown to the floor through the ropes as Roode tries to beg off. Outside, Roode stomps him down, but Gunner comes back with rights. Roode cuts him off with a kneelift, then throws him back-first into the ring steps. Roode breaks the count before slamming Gunner head-first into the steps. Gunner gets rolled back into the ring for 2, and Roode follows up by grinding his boot into Gunner’s face before mounting him for some punches. Gunner comes back with some headbutts to the gut, then runs into a back elbow. Roode hits a middle rope blockbuster for another 2, then drives his knee into the back before applying a modified surfboard. Gunner fights to his feet, but gets hit witha knee to the gut and a dropkick. Roode comes off the middle with a cross-body, but Gunner catches him and hits a fall-away slam. He follows up with a pair of shots, sends Roode to the corner and hits a running knee to the gut. He comes off the ropes with a high knee, then goes for Hangar 18. Roode escapes with an eye-rake and goes for a roll-up. Gunner holds onto the ropes, then turns around to hit a quick DDT for 2. Roode rolls to the apron, and Gunner looks for a suplex. Roode stops that with a hotshot, then comes back in to go for the Roode Bomb. Gunner escapes and hits a slingshot suplex. Gunner goes up top, where he misses a diving headbutt. Roode gets up and nails the Roode Bomb for 3.
WINNER: Bobby Roode, who gets a shot at the World title against EY in the main event tonight.
We see Dixie Carter with an entourage, telling them to set up a table in the ring and to not leave her side all night.
The Beautiful People are in the locker room. Angelina Love has a letter from TNA, telling her that, now that she’s the Knockouts Champion, she needs to carry herself in a more professional matter, especially more conservative clothing. If they don’t respond, there will be severe repercussions. Sky flips out, and Love tells her they’re going to put on evening gowns and have their celebration in order to play along. However, no one knows what they’ll be wearing by the time the celebration is over.
Dixie and her entourage of local wrestlers…err, “security guards” make their way down to the ring, with two of them grabbing Bully Ray’s table from earlier before, which was leaning against the guardrail this entire time, apparently. The table is slid into the ring, and the third guard sets it up. She mocks Ray’s catchphrase. She is Dixie Carter. She is the woman who put Ray through a table last Sunday at Sacrifice. Do you know why she did that? Did you really think she’d so easily forget Ray double-crossed her at Lockdown? She’ll never forget that, just like he’ll always remember that a lady-this lady-put him through a table. If her vast wrestling knowledge serves her correct, that’s the first time that’s happened. Did this “little bitty thing” do that to the “big, bad bully”? Ray threatens her, brings a table to her ring, sprays her name on it, and tries to make her afraid. She’s not afraid, and it’s the other way around: Bully Ray should fear Dixie Carter.
Ray’s music hits, and he’s got a mic in one hand, his chain in the other. The three security guards, and a fourth guy who just appeared out of nowhere (but is only good enough to wear an “Impact Wrestling” shirt instead of a fancy “Security” shirt), stand between Ray and the ring. He says the entire Impact Zone, along with the entire world, want to see him put her through a table. The camera pans out to show that there’s more security at ringside. She thinks he fears her? Do you think Dixie fears him? He asks if the security is really going to stop him. They know him pretty well, and what he’s probably going to do to them. He asks if they really want to stick up for her. They want to stand in his way? They know deep-down they’d love to see him put her through a table. Guys, do the right thing. You know what to do, and that’s just walk away. The security guards look back at Dixie, look at Ray, and then leave. There are still the three original ones in the ring, so Ray tells them he’ll count to five, and if they’re not out of the ring by then, he’ll slide into the ring and kick the crap out of every one of them…and then he’ll put Dixie through a table. Ray starts the count, and by the time the fans get to five, they haven’t left. He slides in, and they jump on him. He gets to his feet and shrugs them all off before nailing each one with punches and clotheslines. One-by-one, they get thrown to the floor, and now Dixie’s all by herself. She goes to slap him, but he grabs her wrist and goes for a powerbomb.
Before that happens, MVP comes out and says that, as much as it pains him to say this, leave her alone. Contrary to what Dixie believes, that’s his ring, not hers, so she needs to leave before he changes his mind and lets Ray do his thing. This is enough, and everything that happens in the ring is his responsibility. He has a locker room of wrestlers to deal with, and he doesn’t have time to deal with these shenanigans. So, until further notice, both Ray and Dixie are banned from the Impact Zone.
MATCH 3: Willow vs. James Storm
I’m still pretty sure Storm is on his way out of the company. Ever since “Feast or Fired”, Storm has not won a single one-on-one match, to the best of my knowledge, and this feud with Gunner has been completely one-sided in terms of Gunner wins. This crowd has been silent all night, BTW. Anyway, the match starts with Storm nailing some forearms to the back. He sets Willow up in the corner for an uppercut, then whips him across the ring, causing Willow to stumble all over the place. Willow goes face-first into the top buckle, and now Storm slams him near the ropes before working on his right leg. Storm sets him up for the Eye of the Storm, but Willow escapes, ducks a clothesline, hits a forearm, a spinebuster, a double legdrop and a low seated dropkick. Storm gets sent to the corner, and Willow hits him with a handspring clothesline, followed by a seesaw dropkick. The sit-out Twist of Fate connects, and Storm gets sent to the floor. Willow baseball slides into an elbow drop on the outside, then tells the crowd near the guardrail to back up. Willow nails some punches against the rail, then hits Poetry in Motion off the steps. He pulls the steps away from the corner and slams Storm’s face onto them before going to the other side of the ring, where he pulls a chair out from underneath. He goes for a modified Arabian Facebuster, but Storm moves out of the way, causing Willow to land on the stairs. As Storm walks away to get grab a beer from under the ring, Willow grabs his umbrella. The ref tries to get Storm to back off, so Storm shoves him down, leading to the DQ.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: James Storm. Storm grabs the bottle by the neck and smashes it against the ring post. Before he can stab Willow, Willow hits him with the umbrella. He grabs the broken bottle and begins to chase Storm up the ramp. Mr. Anderson comes out, and as Storm turns around, he goes for a clothesline. Anderson ducks and hits Storm with a Mic Check on the ramp.
We see the Bromans and DJ Z with MVP outside. They blame their loss on MVP, saying the 3-on-2 match wasn’t fair to their advantage. MVP says he doesn’t have the patience for this, so tonight, they’ll face the Wolves and a special partner in a 6-man. As they leave, Bully Ray walks by and asks him what his job title is around here. MVP says he’s the Director of Wrestling Operations, and he’s the most qualified man for the job. Ray says he made sure MVP kept that job at Lockdown for a reason. MVP says everything that happens in the ring is his responsibility. However, everything that happens outside of the ring or arena is outside of his jurisdiction, hint-hint.
EY is talking about tonight’s match with Roode, mentioning their history as partners and opponents. Tonight, it’s about the World title, and no one has a better chance of taking the title than Roode. Roode also knows that no one knows him better than EY, and tonight, they’ll find out who the better man truly is.
MATCH 4: DJ Z and the Bromans (Jesse and Robbie E) vs. World Tag Team Champions the Wolves (Eddie Edwards and Davey Richards) and World X-Division Champion Sanada
I hate Z so very, very much. The Bromans and Z attack their opponents before the bell. All three faces eventually come back, sending their opponents to the floor. The Wolves hit a pair of suicide dives on the Bromans, and Sanada follows up with a cross-body on Z. He rolls E into the ring, and E chops him across the head with no luck. He then tries martial arts on the Wolves to no effect. The Wolves begin double-teaming him in the corner, then send him into an overhead chop by Sanada. Edwards goes for a move, but Jesse and Z nail him from behind. E follows up with a shoulder thrust in the corner, then tags in Z for a trio of knees for 2 as Richards breaks it up. Edwards comes back with an enziguri. E comes in, and Edwards low-bridges him to the floor before sending an incoming Jesse flying as well. Richards tags in and drops Z with a clothesline, then hits a couple of kicks before hitting the Alarm Clock. Z goes to the corner, and Richards nails a running forearm, followed by an exploder suplex for 2. The Bromans try to break up the pin, but Richards moves, causing them to land on Z. Sanada comes in with a springboard double chop to take them out. Z is left alone with the three, and all three go up top. Edwards hits a double stomp to the back, Sanada hits a moonsault, and Richards ends it with a double stomp to the chest for 3.
WINNERS: Sanada and the Wolves. So…the Wolves just destroyed the only other regular team on the roster. Now what?
We see the Beautiful People yet again, and they’re wearing their evening gowns. Hip-hip-hooray.
After some commercials, the BP come out. If you’re going to call a team the Beautiful People, maybe they should be oh, I don’t know, beautiful. Angelina Love goes over the letter she received earlier, then tells the Board of Directors sorry, but the BP take orders from no one. If you say they can’t do something, they’ll do it. So, they’re going to take it all off right now. They start stripping, but before the dresses come off, the music stops, and Love calls the fans pathetic, thinking they’d actually get to see the goodies of BP. They couldn’t get women like the BP if they went to Nevada with a fist full of 50s. Love is right; someone with a fist full of 50s could get someone way hotter in Nevada. Cleaner, too. And one that has likely eaten in the last five years. And has probably had less plastic surgery. Velvet Sky says they wrote the letter themselves just to set the fans up. Since when is she Vince Russo? Love then screams about being the greatest knockout of all time.
Gail Kim takes exception to this and marches down to the ring. She says the BP have made a mockery of the division she helped build. They promised everyone they were going to strip down, and she’s going to make sure they get stripped of everything. She then begins nailing them with punches before trying to strip Love’s dress off. Sky pulls her out of the ring before that can happen, and Kim holds the Knockouts title over her head. Madison Rayne and Brittany come out from behind and strip both of them of their evening gowns.
MATCH 5-World Championship: Bobby Roode vs. Eric Young (Champion)
A “Super Eric” chant breaks out, because Impact Zone fans are stupid and will chant anything at any time. They even tried to start a “Put her through a table” chant earlier, which is too damn long for a chant. Anyway, EY goes for a waistlock, and Roode counters into a hammerlock. EY counters that with a fireman’s carry takedown into an armbar, into an arm wringer, into a side headlock. Roode sends him into the ropes, and EY comes off with a shoulderblock. Roode boots him out of the corner, then nails an elbow to the back of the head before applying a side headlock. Roode hits a shoulder off the ropes, they crisscross, and EY catches him with an armdrag into an armbar. Roode backs him into the corner, where he nails a cheap shot to the face. EY avoids a corner whip and nails a right to the face. He ducks a clothesline and hits a dropkick, sending Roode to the floor. He goes for a suicide dive, but Roode walks to the other side of the ring. EY hits a dropkick through the ropes, sending Roode into the guardrail. Commercials.
Back from the break, EY is still in control, hitting a right int he corner. Roode recovers and sends EY in for a corner whip, sending him over the top and crashing to the floor. Outside, Roode sends EY shoulder-first into the steps. What the sh*t is a full-court press, and why can’t Taz shut the hell up about it? Anyway, Roode rolls EY back into the ring for a 2-count, then proceeds to stomp him down before hitting a jumping knee for 2. Roode applies a full-nelson. EY elbows his way out, hits a couple of rights, goes into a crisscross and hits a forearm. He follows up with a clothesline and a Flair Flop that knocks the cameraman down. He slides through Roode’s legs and hits a belly-to-belly that sends Roode outside. EY follows up with a suicide dive. Back in the ring, EY hits a seated missile dropkick for 2, then signals for the piledriver. Roode counters into a back-body drop. EY holds on for a sunset flip, and Roode sits down on him for 2. EY comes back with a crucifix for 2, then runs into a spinebuster as Roode yells, “Kiss my ass!” mid-move. That’s only good for 2, and now Roode sets up the Roode Bomb. EY escapes and looks for the Youngblood, but Roode breaks it with a back elbow. EY gets sent to the corner, where he jumps to the middle for a cross-body. It misses, and now Roode is on the second rope. He dives off, and EY kicks him on the way down. The piledriver connects, but EY only gets 2. EY goes up top for the flying elbow, but Roode gets to his feet and falls into the ropes, crotching EY. He hits EY with the Roode Bomb, but EY kicks out at 2. The two trade punches for 20 years until Roode hits an enziguri. He sets EY up in the corner for a super Roode Bomb, but EY fights him off. They trade punches on the middle rope until EY knocks Roode to the mat. He climbs to the top and comes off with the flying elbow, which is good for 3.
After the match, EY puts the belt down and offers to help Roode up. Roode allows it after some hesitation.
AI is outside with Bully Ray, asking what he’s going to do now since he’s banned from the Impact Zone. Ray says he’s doing the next logical thing, and that’s going to Nashville, TN.
End of show.
Seriously? “The Menagerie”? I’m sorry about my (censored) language before, but WTF? Who in the hell thought giving Mike Knox a push was a good idea? Not only that, but who thought giving him a push coupled with a freak show gimmick was even better? Did they see Kizarny and go, “Well, that didn’t work, but it will this time because Mike Knox is so fat! People love fat guys with beards who dress like lumberjacks! Yeah! This can’t possibly fail!”?
Dustin Nichols is a freelance writer, and you can keep track of all of his work on his Facebook page, which can be found at www.facebook.com/DustinNicholsWriter. Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out his mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:
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