Doc, you have to help me! I don’t know what to do! I need your help!
Start from the beginning? Well, alright. Lemme just get comfy on your couch here. Hmph, ahh, that feels better. Alright, to the beginning, here we go. Umm, let’s see here….
I guess it all started in the late eighties, over twenty years ago. I began to take an interest in women, since I was getting to that age, and I took to looking for a potential suitor, or in this case, “suitress”. Heh, I gotta be gender-specific here. Anywho, there were some interesting women I came across, two especially. One was from Atlanta, and was also well known in the Mid-Atlantic region for being precise and exciting. I mean, I guess she was alright, but she wasn’t exactly “aesthetically pleasing” to be honest. There was another from Minneapolis who, let’s be honest, partied like it was 1959. I mean, it was the eighties. Couldn’t she see that? So many women, so many “regional dialects” that were turnoffs to me. I’m from New Jersey, and I kind of look for someone with a big city, all-encompassing, worldly feel.
Sure enough, I found her.
“Was” is the operative word here, because for the first few years, it was absolute bliss. That was, until, about 1994 or so. She had been indicted on drug distribution charges, which caught me totally off guard at the time, but hindsight shows me that maybe I should have been a bit more aware of what was going on.
Through no small miracle, she was acquitted on all charges. OJ Simpson was acquitted of killing two people, but nobody in the world with any common sense would ever trust him again. That’s how I felt about the Stamford girl. I mean, I suppose it’s possible that I could trust her again, but it would have to be over time.
So we split up.
I moved on with my life, and the prospects seemed great. She, however, did everything she could to try and win me back. But I just needed some space. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to see anyone at this point.
It all changed the following year, when I developed a relationship with this sleazy stripper, who we’ll call the Philadelphia girl. She may have been a bit unkempt, but she was straightforward and let me live out my carnal fantasies. The Stamford girl, as nice as she was, always had this “All-American girl” feel to her, and as nice as it was, it was also nice to feel a bit devilish at times, you know?
But then it gets even more complicated.
That fall, I found myself infatuated with somebody who reminded me of the Stamford girl, displaying many of her qualities, and she even felt fresh.
She was the Atlanta girl.
She just felt revolutionary in her own way, while retaining those familiar characteristics of the Stamford girl. Meanwhile, Stamford girl was having trouble with her finances and was looking like a pathetic shell more and more every day. I kinda missed her, but I didn’t, if that makes sense. Atlanta girl was, my god, she was amazing! Always a new wrinkle, always interesting. But the thing that bothered me was a lack of organization. We just did things on the fly, without any real planning or such. Worse, she would overload our relationship with novelty. Things that we could have staggered apart, like dinner dates, movie nights, the like, instead of balancing them to make them more appealing, she’d want to do them all consecutively. Like she was afraid I was going to lose interest in her, or something.
Turns out, she had a reason to be afraid.
She knew about the Stamford girl, and it turns out that she considered her an arch-nemesis. She was once a dingy, run-of-the-mill type of girl, but she soon reinvented herself as a Stamfordish doppelganger. With Stamford girl languishing, she had won my attention.
She wanted me back, and she got me too. Stamford girl and I reunited shortly thereafter.
Atlanta girl didn’t take this well, spiraling out of control. I think she may have been schizophrenic, because it seemed like somebody new was in charge of her brain each week. Philly girl had lost her appeal, because anything that she could do was being done better by Stamford girl. I mean, Philly girl was fun, but she never had any money for some weird reason. By 2001, Philly girl declared bankruptcy and Atlanta girl just disappeared without a trace. It seemed like I had made the right decision, going back with the reliable and charming Stamford girl, despite her issues.
I did make the right decision, right? Well….
It seems that after the Atlanta girl vanished, and Philly girl because hedonista-non-grata, that Stamford girl got a bit of an atittude. It was like she knew that I knew that she was the only game in town and figured that I wouldn’t be leaving her anytime soon. To be honest, I didn’t want to leave her again, either. We’d spent three or four years making amends and we experienced one of the greatest periods of harmony that two people can have together.
But in 2002, things….well, they got weird.
In May, she altered this tattoo that she had on her shoulder. For as long as I knew her, it was of the letter F. She said it stood for “FAITH” and I never thought much of it. I mean, it’s her body, right? But then, suddenly, she had some more ink done, reworking the tat so that it was the letter E, which she claimed meant “ENERGY”. I have no idea why, but this simple change from F to E led to a weird kind of discontent between us. I had to leave for a business trip a month later anyway, but it seemed like in between time, all we did was argue. I pointed out that she was too complacent and that things were stagnant, and she countered with this coarse arrogance, saying that I would come crawling back, just because I could never find better.
So away I went. My travels took me to Nashville, and things got even weirder. I know I shouldn’t have been flirting, but I came across this charming beauty who really seemed to want me. I couldn’t help but notice that she was a little clumsy and awkward, but she was also very earnest and driven. If anything, it was like I was in love with the fact that she was such a breath of fresh air from the Stamford girl, but could I really justify leaving her for this low-rent wannabe?
So I went back home at the end of my trip, and things weren’t any better. By year’s end, she had suggested many bizarre things to spice things up. She wanted to attend a gay wedding. She suggested that her friend marry an older man, who happened to be the father of a bitter rival. She even wanted to violate a corpse of a dead cheerleader, just for shock value! I love her, but it’s like she was doing ANYTHING to get my full attention! Meanwhile, I wondered if life with the Nashville girl was possibly better than this.
A couple of years later, I received a phone call out of the blue from this Nashville girl. She had relocated to Orlando, and was happy to say that she’d saved her money and was no longer a cheap, run-down lush. In fact, she wanted to see me again. But I was torn, even though things hadn’t improved with the Stamford girl by any means. I’d talk to Orlando girl here and there, but I couldn’t fathom leaving her. That talk about never finding anyone better rang loud, especially considering that Orlando girl just wasn’t in her class.
Periodically, I checked in with Orlando girl to see how she was doing, which worked well considering that Stamford girl either didn’t know about her, or pretended that she didn’t exist. In any case, I kept in touch with this outsider, who seemed to be making strides every day to win me over, but alas, I wasn’t ready to budge. I guess maybe I was just getting a bit complacent myself.
But then in June 2007, life as I knew it changed forever.
An associate of the Stamford girl was found dead, having murdered his family before ultimately offing himself. There was speculation that she, as his caretaker, ignored signs of manic episodes and depression. The feds even tried to accuse her of looking the other way when he got messed up on drugs, which was eerily similar to her trial thirteen years prior. After weirdly pretending that her associate never existed, refusing to even speak his name again, things eventually died down and she was never charged with a crime. But again, it felt weird to be with her, even though the positives outweighed the positives of all other women.
And here we are in 2010, where the most recent chapter has unfolded. It’s a chapter that has definitely been an awakening, that’s for sure.
Orlando girl has gotten aggressive. Stamford girl is aware of her now and doesn’t want me to spend even a second acknowledging her. Stamford girl even seems a bit fearful of this momentum that Orlando girl has amassed. I feel like I should sit back and see which of them wants me the most, proving their love with good intentions and excitement. But I just don’t know what to do when it comes time to making the all-important decision.
Maybe I should just go with both? Maybe if I can make one jealous of the other, the other will work to improve herself to compensate. After all, competition is certainly healthy. It’ll make both of them better women, right?
All I know is this: my libido is so strong right now. My excitement is maxing out. My interests are extremely piqued. It’s been a good eight or nine years since I’ve been this excited. I know that Stamford girl and Orlando girl are going to go all out to acquire my love, and they will stop at absolutely nothing until they have it, barring that they die trying.
I guess the part that I feel is the biggest shame is that I can’t go all polygamous and just take both.
Or can I?
When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded (as well as well-paid) columnist or author. He tweets at twitter.com/notoriousjrh and facebooks himself at http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh.
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