Prepare to enter the subconscious of a wrestling fan who has watched way too much wrestling. Listen to his rants and raves and laugh, cry, or just wonder how this guy is employed by a semi-famous wrestling blog. Prepare to enter….THE ROBERT ZONE.
I wanted The King of The Ring for one reason…HULK HOGAN. I was a Hulkamaniac and yes I cried when Earhtquake beat the crap out of him. To see Hulk Hogan take out that evil Yokozuna and drop the leg on him was going to be great. I was hyped to see Hogan and then he proceeded to get his ass absolutely handed to him. He didn’t even body slam him and when he looked like he was going to win, some guy fireballs him. Then, Yokozuna hits Hogan with the leg drop, the same movie that Hogan has hit countless times and wins the belt. He then hits him with the Bonzai Drop and it seems like Hulkamania is dead. I am crestfallen, and I am pissed off. I want to write a letter to On the Take Tunney and I want somebody to defend America.
Only July 4th, America was ready to challenge Yokozuna as wrestlers and sports stars tried to slam him and failed. If Scott frigging Steiner who threw guys like Vader and Bigelow around like nothing couldn’t do it, then who could? A helicopter landed as the fans wondered who could possibly be the man inside of it. Lex Luger was the man even entering via helicopter and slammed him for AMERICA. SCREW HULK HOGAN, LEX LUGER IS YOUR NEW AMERICAN GOD. SIX INCH STEEL PLATE>LEG DROP OF DOOM. APPLE PIES OF DOOM AND STEEL FOREARMS TO THE FACE FOR ALL WHO OPPOSE HIM. The world (and by world I mean by freaked out USA executives who wanted a new Hogan character) wanted Luger to get his hands on Yoko. For some reason, old On the Take Tunney refused to sanction the match, so Lex figured out a way to get support. He got a bus and went on a tour of America, kissing babies and presumably slamming the local bully who happened to be fat.
America got their wish at Summerslam as Luger faced the evil Yoko under two conditions: No rematch if he lost, and his SIX INCH STEEL PLATE was covered up. I was hyped, I didn’t get the event but I was eagerly awaiting the results. I found out that Luger won by count out but then celebrated like he won the belt. Even as a kid, I thought it was dumb. If Hulk beat The Sheik by countout would he have celebrated? Now, I understand why they did this, they wanted to extend Luger chasing for the belt as long as they could. Luger gets the win, but now he has to wait for the Rumble match to get his hands on Yoko. Then, Luger would get the belt at WrestleMania, solidifying himself at the new Hogan.
While this is all happening, the WWE is stocking up on foreign heels. The Mountie is brought back and paired up with Pierre Carl Oullet as evil guys from Quebec who dress like Mounties. Crush, who was getting over as a babyface is turned heel as an evil Hawaiian who is now a Japanese sympathizer. Most of all, a Finnish man by the name of Ludvig Borga debuts, and he hates how we treat the environment. LUDVIG BORGA, EVIL FINNISH ENVIRONMENTALIST. While an evil Hawaiian/Japanese sympathizer might be the weirdest foreigner, Borga takes the cake. Putting on my fantasy booking cap, Borga should have debuted after Summerslam, a hired gun that Fuji found to take out Luger.
Naturally, Luger was going to need allies to back him up. Naturally, the Steiners were a smart pick and Tatanka was thrown into the mix. Tatanka was an interesting case as he wasn’t a bad worker by any means and was well protected by this point. The Steiners lost the belts to the not-Mounties and company would place all the feuds together for the big Survivor Series main event: The All Americans against Two French-Canadians, a Samoan Born in California and AN EVIL FINNISH ENVIRONMENTALIST. Marketing would later change the name to the Foreign Fanatics. In order to build heat for this match, something bad needed to happen to the good guys. Luger was untouchable, The Steiners had already lost the belts, and so Tatanka was up to bat.
Tatanka would face Borga on Superstars and get the absolute shit kicked out of him. Art Lean vs Goro was more competitive than this, Borga hits Tatanka with a chair and just like that, the streak is over. Yoko shows up, Banzai Drops him, Luger gets held back by the non-Mounties but still manages to beat up the whole entire Foreign Fanatics by himself. And you kids complained when Cena beat up Awesome Truth by himself. Yeesh. So, Tatanka is on the shelf and this is where things actually get good.
So, the All Americans are down a man and a somber Lex Luger announces that Tatanka will not make it. The team needs a fourth man and just who would it be? My mind was racing with thoughts; maybe Luger got Sting to help him fight the Fanatics or just maybe Hulk Hogan. Essentially, it would be anybody cooler than Tatanka. The man would be none other than The Undertaker, which lead to a debate with my brother over whether The Undertaker was actually American. It took my dad pointing out that Death Valley was in California, so yes he was technically an All American. He then revealed an American Flag sewn into his jacket which was frigging cool.
A special episode of Raw occurs in-which fans were able to vote on who non-Mountie Pierre would face. Luger would get the nod and it’s not a bad match. Anyhow, Luger decides to go all Untouchables on Pierre, sending him to the hospital with THE SIX INCH STEEL PLATE OF DOOM. It was cool to see this since it was Luger deciding to take matters into his own hands. The Fanatics would respond with Hawaiian/Japanese Sympathizer Crusher joining the team. I could only hope that Borga ripped the headgear off Rick and hit him in the ears with a hammer to get Savage as a replacement. Long story short: All Americans win, Santa showed up, Borga breaks his leg, Undertaker dies, Steiners are gone by summer, and Tatanka is never the same.
As 1993 ends, a stark reality is starting to set in. All of the momentum that Luger had after slamming Yoko has pretty much evaporated. Bret Hart, who was more or less pushed out of the main event scene, continues to gain momentum. The Royal Rumble 1994 would see Luger and Bret eliminating each-other and a popularity contest between the two. I’m sure that Vince was using it to gage who would get the belt at Mania. When Luger was announced, he got a pretty good response from the audience with some boos becoming heavy. When it was announced that Bret had won, the response was bigger with no boo’s to speak off. When it was all set and done, both men were declared Rumble winners, but the crowd response sealed Luger’s fate. The Lex Express was being decommissioned.
I presume that The Lex Express is still in the parking garage at Titan Towers and Vince resisted having it blown up for insurance money in 1995. I presume that he approached the bus with a gas can and a bottle of whiskey after the first Nitro premiered. I presume that a bunch of agents tackled him as Vince screamed “BURN, F%^KER BURN” before passing out. Sounds about right considering how well things were going in 1995.
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