So you’re not going to believe this, but I visited a psychic at the Ocean City Boardwalk the other night. After telling me about future events in my life, I casually asked her what was going to go down Sunday night at WWE Money in the Bank between John Cena and CM Punk in the WWE Title match. Wouldn’t you know it, Madame Griselda was able to recite, moment for moment, what was going to happen in the culmination of WWE’s hottest angle in years.
(All Times Eastern)
10:22 – CM Punk makes his entrance first, emerging from the entrance way to an ovation that would rival The Pope and Derek Jeter beating David Ortiz to death in lower Manhattan. Punk makes his way to the ring, half annoyed that so many fans are cheering for him, when he’s spent the better part of two years trying to elicit unyielding hate from the masses. Punk mutters to himself, “I wish I could be half the heel Michael Cole is. These fans are ruining me. I wish genocide was legal.”
10:25 – John Cena’s music hits, and the man who makes millions of dollars, aids children’s charities, shows up on time for every show, and has dedicated his life to the business when others haven’t, gets booed out of the building, as if he was recently spotted rolling Stephen Hawking’s wheelchair off the Sears Tower. Cena remains upbeat, for several reasons: he’s married to a petite brunette, has a ton of money, and can sleep with the knowledge that more people have paid to see him do his crappy version of the STF than Lou Thesz and Masahiro Chono combined.
10:30 – The two men share a staredown as the bell sounds. Reading their lips, Punk clearly asks Cena, “Do you have a knife? I wanna stab that fat ass in the front row who’s cheering for me, just to make an example.” Cena responds “No, I cannot be a party to murder.” Despite saving that fan’s life, Cena will later be referred to by that fan as a (chicken)sucker, mother(person engaging in s#x), dip(feces), among other colorful phraseologies.
10:33 – The first big wrestling sequence of the match ends, and here’s the scorecard: number of Punk moves: 6, number of Punk moves that were cheered: 6, number of Cena moves: 5, number of Cena moves that were booed, despite being executed well enough to ward off “YOU CAN’T WRESTLE” chants: 5.
10:38 – After Punk loses control of the match to Cena’s early offense, Cena takes over with shoulderblocks and other build-up offense, all of which is booed. Cena even smiles a few times, but is silently melancholy, for he knows that he’s not allowed to hold up a picture of his wife and say to the braying lardos in the crowd, “You WISH you could smell my fingers, and for $20, I’ll consider it!”
10:40 – Punk takes over, but blows a spot, wherein Cena is backdropped to the floor, causing WWE’s cash cow to nearly break his ankle on the landing. Despite CM Punk blowing the move by not getting Cena high enough off the ground, the fans cheer mightily, in the hopes that John Cena has legitimately hurt himself. One fan is ejected, because public shaft-cranking is frowned upon.
10:42 – Punk works a chinlock and the fans won’t stop cheering for him. The entire crowd continues cheer away, bringing Punk to his breaking point. He drops Cena, exits the ring, and grabs the mic to say “I didn’t want to have to do this, but here goes.” He then pulls Derrick Rose out from the under ring, bound and gagged. Punk then produces a knife and says “Boo me, or your point guard gets it!”
10:43 – The fans are torn, but one guy yells, “SCREW HIM! THE NBA’S LOCKED OUT ANYWAY!”
10:44 – Cheers for Punk!
10:45 – RIP Derrick Rose, 1988 – 2011. Two years wasted under Vinny Del Negro.
10:46 – Cena gets the upper hand, to boos, and slightly botches his spinout powerbomb, causing one fan to loudly scream, “BE CAREFUL, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT YOUR OPPONENT, YOU RECKLESS BASTARD!” Cena then lands his usual move sequence of the Five Knuckle Shuffle, top rope rocker dropper, and tries for the STF, but Punk kicks him off. Crowd is torn now: half wants Punk to win, and the other half want Cena to commit suicide with an outboard motor. Then again, these people cheer for the Cubs, so they’re not a mirthy bunch.
10:50 – Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment and more chairs fly! Punk kicks out on two and the Punk chants are deafening!
10:51 – Vince McMahon hits the ring, and the crowd boos the Hell out of him. Then, as Cena locks Punk in the STF, Adolf Hitler, David Berkowitz, Jeffrey Dahmer, Saddam Hussein, Beezlebub, and Joan Rivers hit the ring, all to destroy Cena with kicks and stomps while McMahon and Punk watch smiling. The crowd is conflicted.
10:52 – Punk hooks Cena’s leg and pins him to become WWE Champion. After proving that his rift with McMahon was a swerve, Punk forms a stable with Vince and the aforementioned intruders.
10:53 – The Chicago fans, as well as all the CM Punk fans watching, come around to the realization that, as long as Punk is champion, they can tolerate Nazism, killing sprees, cannibalism, government-ordered mass murder, Satanism, and red carpet interviews.
As long as CM Punk is champion.
Justin Henry is a freelance writer whose work appears on many websites. He provides wrestling, NFL, and other sports/pop culture columns for CamelClutchBlog.com, as well as several wrestling columns a week for WrestlingNewsSource.com and WrestleCrap.com. Justin can be found here on Facebook – http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh and Twitter- http://www.twitter.com/cynicjrh.
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