We are just a few nights removed from “Destination X“, a PPV that was, according to most reports, an overall decent show. That being said, it’s only a matter of weeks before TNA goes back to their formula of charging people for overbooked messes full of needless gimmick matches. Now, without further Apu, we learn Sting will be facing Mr. Anderson for the world title tonight in a “Midsummer’s Nightmare” match, whatever the hell that it is.
Once again, because “Wrestling Matters”, we open the show with the Orange Goblins in their full glory (minus Flair, Fatt & Meth Hardly, and Murphy), complete with tuxes. Abyss’ looks like he fished it out of the dumpster. They’re also accompanied by random tramps. We see that there is a poker table and a chair in the ring for some reason. Eric Bischoff tells us they plan on gambling with someone’s career tonight. Isn’t that what TNA does every week? Bischoff talks about how Mr. Anderson threw himself a party that no one showed up to a couple weeks ago, and actually used the words “premature epartylation”. You read that right. Bischoff also says that tonight, Anderson will be officially christened into Immortal.
Anderson comes out in a tux covered in hunting camo. Apparently, Mr. Anderson is now a white trash hick. Hollywood Brooke Hogan tells Anderson that they both have always strived to be the best. To quote Phoenix Wright, “Objection!” Anderson tells Hogan that, as long as he remains the top guy in TNA Wrestling (he used the phrase “Ace of frickin’ Spades), joining Immortal is a gamble he’s willing to take.
The lights go out, and Stinger Romero (younger readers might need to look that one up) is in the ring at the poker table. Sting and Bischoff accuse each other of being cancer to the company, and Bischoff says Anderson will eliminate the cancer tonight. Sting asks to make a bet, and says he will win the belt and bring the company back to Dixie Carter (God help us). Hulk Hogan gets in Sting’s face and threatens to beat him up and have him taken out on a stretcher. Sting, understandably so, laughs at this notion. Sting reminds Bisch and Hulk that “The Network” has told both of them they are on a short leash, and that if they don’t keep things in check, there’s someone around with more power than Sting that can do something about it. Didn’t we already have this angle 2 months ago? Sting says some magic Aces that he has up his sleeve will appear tonight to back him up. He points to the rafters, and there’s a bunch of dudes in Joker henchman masks, causing Heath Ledger to roll over further in his grave and give Christopher Nolan an aneurism. The lights go out, and Sting is gone.
MATCH 1- BFG Series Three-Way Match: D’Angelo Dinero vs. Bobby Roode vs. Samoa Joe
The story with this match is that none of the three have any points on the board thus far. Is it just me, or does Joe look like he’s ballooned up in the last few years? I realize the guy is Samoan and they are naturally big people, but you know what? The Rock, the Usos and Sonny Siaki (remember him?) are all Samoan as well and are either trim and/or muscular, so don’t tell me it’s impossible for Joe to get into shape. Anyway, Joe throws Pope out of the ring and kicks Roode in the head in the corner. Roode fires back, STILL selling the shoulder, but Joe answers with a powerslam for 2 followed by a jujigatame that Pope breaks up. Joe and Roode trade shots, but Roode hits an OVW spinebuster, only to turn around into an STO by Pope for 2. Why does Pope have knee pads on both his shins AND knees? Roode breaks out of an arm wringer on the bad shoulder, but eats an uppercut for 2 by Pope. Pope hits a cool-looking leg-hook DDT for another 2, followed by a Lawler fist drop for another nearfall. Every time Joe tries to get back in the ring, Pope kicks him back out. Pope tries for the DDE, but Roode hits a series of clotheslines, an inverted atomic drop and a side-Russian leg sweep (Joe is still outside). Roode gets 2 off a middle rope blockbuster. Roode gets Pope up for a superplex, but Joe finally contributes to the match and sets Pope up for a Muscle Buster. Roode breaks it up and hits the Payoff on Joe for 2. Joe tries for the Kokina Clutch on Roode, but Roode climbs the turnbuckles and rolls over to get the pin on Joe (think Piper/Hart from ‘Mania VII or Austin/Hart from Survivor Series 96).
WINNER: Bobby Roode. Roode finally gets on the board with 7 points, while Samoa Joe’s complete and utter burial continues. As for Pope, well, when was the last time he did anything?
We see the King of the Roach Motel Vending Machine and his wife backstage, supposedly returning from Mexico. You can tell they were really returning from Mexico at that exact moment because they have sombreros pointlessly strapped to their luggage.
In Hogan’s office, he’s telling the rest of Those Guys Who Can’t Die that they need to more or less murder Sting tonight. Good thing Sting’s already playing a dead guy, huh? Bischoff then lays into Abyss for losing the X-Division title to Spanky. Jeff and Karen Diet Shasta Orange enter the office. This name also works because of Hogan’s skin color. Jeff pulls out a briefcase and reveals the AAA Mega Championship belt, which he has covered with a ridiculous-looking silver plate. For those that don’t know, Jeff Jarrett won the belt a few weeks back. Now, the belt was already ugly, but Jarrett somehow made it worse.
We see Pope talking to Devon’s kids in the back, which causes Devon to run up to them and to not talk to Pope anymore. Does Devon think Pope has a white van full of candy outside or something? Devon tells Pope to stay away from his kids and calls him a two-bit con. Pope makes the argument that Devon needs to trust him, especially after Pope handed him 7 points in the BFG series last week. Devon more or less calls him stupid for this, and I’m inclined to agree.
Ooh, TNA is releasing “Immortal Forever” on DVD next Tuesday. Because, you know, an angle that’s only about a year old needs its own DVD. We then get a video package highlighting “Destination X” set to some atrociously bad rap music. I can’t stand this music anymore, so I fast-forward the DVR.
MATCH 2 – Austin Aries vs. Shannon Moops
I admit, I stole that name for Shannon from another TNA recapper, but it’s a good name and I’m a “Seinfeld” fan. Aries won the TNA contract at “Destination X”, making him the company’s newest wrestler who will get mistreated. Just hope they don’t make him start calling himself “Austin Starr” again. Aries with a shoulderblock, and Moore answers with an inverted atomic drop and a sloppy spinning heel kick that lands nowhere near Aries’ “yam bag”, despite what Taz would tell you. Shannon with a roll-up out of the corner for 2, followed by a moonsault for another 2. Aries flips Moore out of a backslide attempt and goes for the brainbuster. A series of reversals sends Aries outside, who skins the cat. Moore breaks that up with a dropkick and hits a very slow somersault plancha to the outside. Moore is overrated. Moore hits a version of Whisper in the Wind for 2. Aries goes for the book of DILLIGAF (ugh), which the ref gets away after Shannon grabs it. Aries grabs a chain that was in the corner for some reason (I think it was attached to the book) and clocks Moore with it behind the ref’s back. Aries hits a slingshot corkscrew splash, and gets the 3.
WINNER: Austin Aries. Good to see Aries wrestling, as the rumor was his getting rejected for “Tough Enough” caused him to contemplate retirement. Alex Shelley comes in and gets mad at Aries for using a chain in his match. This would be fine, except there is no backstory here (at least, not in this company, aside from a 3 week stint where they were in a group with Roderick Strong). So-so match, but incredibly short.
Backstage, Abyss is yelling about Spanky stealing his title. Meanwhile a member of Sting’s Police (Get it? No? Damn kids with your Werther’s Originals) is hovering around unbeknownst to Prince Justice, while swinging a bat. Abyss turns around and takes a bat shot to the midsection before the Killer Klown From Outer Space runs away.
We get yet ANOTHER backstage segment with Moops and Alex Shelley complaining about A-Double. Again, there’s no story here. This cuts away to Aries himself, and he basically tells everyone how great he is and that he can beat anyone.
We learn Not-Victoria will be taking on Spelling Bee Champion Madison Rayne tonight. I, for one, am thrilled. This leads to an atrocious promo from an atrocious human being in Rayne. And what does this lead to? A whiny promo from Tara, who has a present for Rayne in her hand, which she says Rayne will get after the match.
Backstage (Wrestling Matters!), and Steiner is asking SoCal Val if she wants to see his bare arm. She then does what she knows best, and stares blankly before screaming because another Killer Klown is behind “Big Puppa Pup”. Steiner takes some shots with the bat, and this clown also runs off.
MATCH 3 – Tara vs. Madison
The “King of Queens” (Listen to her music and tell me I’m wrong) is out first. Tara comes out next. A little trivia-Tara’s awful theme is sung by former TNA employee Goldylocks. Don’t remember her? Consider yourself lucky. Tara puts the package she had earlier in the corner before the match starts. Rayne is asking Tara to lay down. I didn’t know they were still doing the pseudo-lesbian gimmick. Oh, she wants Tara to lay down to intentionally get pinned. Got it. Tara with a bodyslam and a standing moonsault. Tara’s looking a little chunky tonight. Madison is screaming. Okay, Daffney is the only woman who should do the screaming bit. Not Melina, and certainly not Madison Rayne. Rayne goes for the Rayne Drop, but Tara gets out and lands a clothesline. Tara connects with the Spider’s Web, but Rayne reverses out of the Widow’s Peak and connects with a lame kick. More screaming. Tara gets kicked off the apron after a series of corner reversals, and takes a really weak Irish whip into the stairs. Madison needs some dental surgery. She grabs the box in an overly dramatic fashion and opens it up. Surprise, it’s Tara’s pet tarantula. Rayne freaks out and turns into the Widow’s Peak for 3.
WINNER: The chick who was suspected of insurance fraud. Tara takes out the tarantula and scares Rayne out of the ring with it (who, by the way, had to completely no-sell the effects of the Peak to make this happen).
We see Kurt Angle in the back, walking. Man, this show is thrilling!
Backstage (Wrestling MATTERS!!!!), we see Magnus and Douglas Williams talking about their match with New Mexico next. The Brits have some fancy new jackets, too.
Angle comes out to his Don Henley rip-off music, and he’s got a bizarre smile on his face. Mr. Endgame talks about how he’s the #1 contender to the Battle Dome championship, and he will get that shot in August at “Hardcore Justice”. Guess they’re keeping the ‘core’ part. He says he’d rather face Anderson than Sting, but that he’s coming after Anderson whether he wins or loses tonight. Angle talks about his history with Sting, including the empty arena match, which he says fans tell him is the greatest match they ever saw. I’d like to find these fans and kick them in square in the nuts. Angle says he will be watching the main event tonight, and will walk out of the next PPV as Impact Wrestling World Champion. Until they remove the letters “TNA” from those belts, they are TNA championships. Sorry.
Can you guess where the next segment takes place? Go ahead. Guess. Backstage! You got it. We see the Jarrett leaving, with Karen carrying all the luggage. She opens the trunk of the SUV to find another clown hiding out. He hits Jeff with a bat (after Jeff tried to block it with his title belt briefcase. Nice treatment of the belt). The clown chokes Jeff out with the bat and drags him off somewhere. Karen spent the segment screaming and running away, in case you didn’t get enough of ugly women who can’t act screaming already.
Jeff Hardy is in the new series of TNA figures. I can’t imagine they’re regretting that decision.
No, please no. TNA, STOP giving Hernandez a microphone! You sent the guy to AAA to learn Spanish to cut promos like Rey Mysterio, and guess what? He STILL can’t speak the language! Anarquia proceeds to just yell in his obnoxious voice while half the crowd can’t even see what’s going on thanks to the Mexican flag.
MATCH 4 – Winners become the #1 contender for the World Tag Team titles: Mexican-America (California and Texas) vs. The British Invasion (Magnus and Douglas Williams)
Magnus starts off with Anarquia. Double arm-wringer into a straightjacket drop by the Brits gets 2. Williams in now, and he too is looking chubby. Anarquia eats some chops and headbutts. Blind tag to Hernandez who hits a slingshot shoulder tackle, followed by an over-the-shoulder backbreaker that he turns into a drop for 2. Anarquia is back in and botches a simple kick to Williams. Where did they find this guy, XPW? Williams has got a little cut on his head. Anarquia hotshots Williams onto the top rope, and he and Hernandez do Haas and Benjamin’s leapfrog move. Williams tags in Magnus, who drops Anarquia with a boot and a back elbow. He hits Hernandez with a reverse direction elbow, followed by a Michinoku driver #2 on Anarquia for 2. Elbow off the top on Anarquia for another 2. The Brits hit a hoisted European uppercut move, but the ref gets distracted by Rosita, who just ran down. Hernandez drops an elbow on Magnus while he is trying to get the pin, and rolls Anarquia over in time for the ref to count 3.
WINNERS AND NEW #1 CONTENDERS: Hernandez and the other guy. I’m no fan of Magnus, but he had to sell a pinfall off an elbow? When was the last time that was a believable finish? 1988?
In Bischoff’s office, and he’s with Tom Cruise and Blubber Ray. He tells them not to let him down. Tom says he’s the hunter and not the hunted, and that they need to go find the rest of the clown guys. Blubber says he’s with him, and they proceed to walk out. However, Blubber stays behind and blows Tom off. Gee, I wonder what will happen next?
Next week, Alex Shelley will be getting his shot at Brian Kendrick’s X-Division title, as well as Mickie James and Velvet Sky in a Knockouts title match, A BFG series match between Steiner and RVD, and a BFG series four-way ladder match between A.J. Styles, Samoa Joe, Matt Morgan and that guy from “Cocktail” with the winner scoring 10 points.
In case we didn’t see the first time, they’re showing all of the members of Immortal who got attacked by clowns yet again.
Backstage yet again, and Gunner’s looking for the clowns with a pipe. All four of them come out with their bats. They proceed to beat the hell out of him. This is like a scene from “The Warriors”, but if that movie sucked really badly. The guys take the masks off, and it’s Kazarian, James Storm, Christopher Daniels and A.J. Styles. How ‘bout that X-Division, huh?
I bet Anderson’s dad totally owns a dealership (again, kudos to the five or so of you that get that). Anderson looks high right now. He asks for the mic, but it swings wildly all over the place. He grabs it, but immediately throws it away. I’m sure there was a point to that, but I’ll be damned if I know what it was. I guess a “Midsummer’s Nightmare” Match is the same as a regular one, because it hasn’t been mentioned during the actual main event and this match is your standard fare thus far. Sting no-sells a bunch of punches, and gets some shots in in the corner, knocking Anderson to the floor. Inverted atomic drop and a dropkick by Sting. Tenay actually says this about Sting’s dropkick-“Damn, that’s impressive.” Never mind that it wasn’t, and that Sting’s thrown 10,000 dropkicks in his career. Sting connects with a Stinger Splash, but gets a dropkick to the knee on a second attempt. Anderson’s targeting the leg now with punches and kneedrops. Anderson goes for the Scorpion Deathlock and gets it on (he’s not applying it correctly, though). Sting gets to the ropes for the break. Anderson continues to attack the knee and gets 2. Anderson locks in an elevated single-leg Boston crab, but Sting kicks out of it with the other leg. Some punches and chops by Sting now, followed by some clotheslines. Sting botches a hotshot, and hits Anderson with a Mic Check-better than Anderson does it himself, I might add-for 2. Anderson gets Sting up on his shoulders, but referee Brian Hebner catches Sting’s feet in his face. Sting gets out and shoves Anderson into Hebner. He locks on the Death Lock and Anderson taps, but the ref is down outside. Blubber is in, and he lightly taps Sting on the head to break up the submission. He takes off his needlessly large wallet chain-which he was wearing with his tux, for some reason. Anderson holds Sting up for a shot by Blubber, but the lights go out. Back on, and now in the ring is another clown, who takes out Blubber. The lights go out again, and when they come back on, Sting and the clown are gone. We see the clown up on the ramp. Sting runs in from ringside, hits the Scorpion Death Drop, and the ref conveniently gains consciousness in time to count the 3.
WINNER AND NEW WORLD CHAMPION: Sting. After the match, the clown pulls off his mask to reveal himself to be Kurt Angle, and Sting looks surprised.
End of show.
So, TNA goes from an at least passable episode last week to an atrocious mess of a wrestling broadcast this week. The clown angle was totally ridiculous, and while Immortal ended up looking like a bunch of losers, TNA will forget that in a couple of weeks. They did the same thing when Crimson started taking Immortal out, only for the angle to be dropped with no explanation. The same thing will happen here at some point.
Full TNA Impact Wrestling July 14 Results
Sting defeated Mr. Anderson to win the TNA world championship
Bobby Roode defeated Samoa Joe and “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero in a Bound For Glory Series Match
Mexican America (Hernandez and Anarquia) defeated The British Invasion (Douglas Williams and Magnus)
Austin Aries defeated Shannon Moore
Tara defeated Madison Rayne
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