Once again, I’m back for your enjoyment and the Impact recap for 8-4-11. We start the show with a recap from last week for everyone who didn’t watch (i.e., practically everyone). This leads to Hogan’s Orange Goblins in the ring “live” with Blubber Ray on the microphone introducing the members of the group in case you’ve forgotten. It’s okay if you did. It’s easy to do. Did I mention the hideous plate that Jeff Jarrett has glued to the AAA Mega Championship, ruining the belt and spitting on an entire country?
Bully Ray talks about the feud between Immortal and Fourtune. He continues to ramble until Mr. Anderson cuts him off. Anderson says that, despite Ray saying there isn’t enough room for the two groups, he thinks there isn’t enough room in the ring for Anderson and Ray. He reminds us of Ray volunteering him for the match last week and then screwing him. Anderson says he hopes it was worth it, and he’s going to get Ray back. Ray reminds Anderson he lost the world title after being in Immortal for a week, then calls Anderson weak. Ray talks about all of his tag team title reign, and that he’s in charge when Hogan and Bischoff aren’t around. Genius move by those two. He says he’s going to become world champion and Anderson is a piece of dog crap on Ray’s shoe. Why is Ray walking around in dog crap? Anyway, Anderson challenges Ray to a match at Hardcore Justice. BTW, not only has Anderson ruined the word “a**hole”, but if there was any value to the word “frickin'”, it’s gone now, too. Anderson begins singing to Ray, and they come to blows.
[adinserter block=”2″]Fortune comes out now. Kazarian calls Ray “Bully Ray Cyrus”. As funny as it doesn’t sound. Fourtune charges the ring, leading to a brawl between the groups. Fourtune of course dominates, and Storm is now selling a random back injury. Not sure how that happened, but it’s TNA Wrestling.
We learn there will BFG matches tonight, as well as Hernandez and James Storm in a street fight.
Cut to the back as Miss Tessmacher is doing some half-assed stretches. Since WRESTLING MATTERS, I think it’s fantastic we’re getting a look at one of the knockouts with the least amount of in-ring ability. Excellent stuff here. What kind of gimmick name is “Tessmacher” anyway?
Knockouts champion Mickie James is out for commentary. This should be stunning.
MATCH 1-Madison Rayne vs. Knockouts Tag Team Co-Champion Miss Tessmacher (w/Tara)
Hey, it’s my number one fan, Madison Rayne! Huzzah! James just did some horrible off-key singing on commentary. Miss Tessmacher is coming out with Tara. Anyone else notice Tessmacher’s entrance is copied move for move from Candice Michelle? Tara gets rejected from ringside by Earl Hebner. Tessy starts off with forearms and a boot to the stomach and a stinkface. Mickie James says “a$stastic”. I hate her now. Rayne back on offense with some shots and a couple of hair mares. Tenay calls that one of her special moves, despite the fact that nearly every female wrestler does that. She does her crotch thrust move on Tessy’s head, then screams at Mickie James. You know, Maddy (she likes me to call her that), I love you and all and I know we’re soul mates, but Daffney just called and wants her screaming gimmick back. Perhaps you can have Ditsy Carter include it in the settlement when Daffney sues her blind? Anyway, after the screaming bit, Tessy rolls Madison up, and gets the 3.
WINNER: Miss Tessmacher. Rayne continues to attack Tessy after the match, leading Mickie James to come down to the ring. This brings out either Angelina Love or a mop with jailhouse tattoos, I can’t tell which. They trade a few shots before Winter attacks Mickie James from behind. Love holds James up so Winter can hit her in the head with the knockouts title.
On the recent tour of Texas, D’Angelo Dinero, Bully Ray and Bobby Roode picked up more BFG series points, as did A.J. Styles and James Storm. Crimson is still in the lead with 40, while James Storm has shot up to 2nd place with 33.
MATCH 2-BFG Series Match: Devon vs. A.J. Styles
Styles starts with a waistlock and gets Devon into the corner for a break. Devon breaks out of an arm wringer. Another waistlock into a headlock by Styles. Devon breaks out and turns it into a hip toss. Styles with a dropkick for 2. Dinero sits down next to Devon’s kids at ringside. Styles gets a kick, but Devon counters with a spinning back elbow for 2. He sees Dinero and gets distracted, allowing Styles to lock in a rolling jujigatame (think Alberto Del Rio’s finisher). Devon rolls out of the ring to break it up. Styles gets a sunset flip for 2 and tries to turn it into a Styles Clash. After they trade some shots, Devon tries for Saving Grace, but Styles counters into the Pele for 2. Christopher Daniels is now sitting on the ramp, and Styles is asking him what he’s doing. He goes for the flying forearm, but Devon sees it coming. Devon with a roll-up and gets 3.
WINNER: Devon, who gains 7 points. Not only did the wrong man go over here, but that finish was pretty weak. The two congratulate each other, then proceed to go out and yell at Dinero and Daniels. How long was that match, anyway? 2 ½ minutes? Anyway, Daniels and Styles are yelling at each other as we go to commercial with Daniels complaining about how Styles won’t talk to him.
The new “Conan” movie looks about as good as “In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale”. Just saying.
Yeah, I want to invite my friends and family to play the Impact Wrestling fantasy game. They just read my mind. That doesn’t sound sad at all. No, sir.
We get a video package for the history between Sting and Kurt Angle. I’m not recapping a recap, except that I find it funny that one of the highlights of this video is Angle nearly killing Sting with a botched 450 splash that he had no business attempting in the first place. Angle says Sting is better now than he was in 1995. Wonder if I can buy some of his high-powered hallucinogens off of him?
Backstage, D’Angelo Dinero is talking about the BFG series, then talks about the trust issues between him and Devon. Apparently, they’re wrestling at Hardcore Justice. Dinero will be defeating Samoa Joe after the commercial break.
Back from the break, and Matt Morgan is on commentary for the next match, with his arm in a sling.
MATCH 3-BFG Series Match: Samoa Joe vs. D’Angelo Dinero
I swear Joe put on 20 pounds since last week. Pope gets a punch in. Joe misses a corner charge and walks into a hip toss, a dropkick and an arm drag from Pope. Pope with an arm wringer now, and Joe throws him into the corner. He misses another charge as Pope rolls outside. Back in the ring. Pope with an inverted atomic drop and a shoulder block. Some elbows by the Pope and a double axe handle. Does a single axe handle exist? Devon begins coming down to the ring. Pope tries a whip, but Joe reverses into a powerslam attempt. Dinero slides out and tries for a roll-up, which Joe immediately turns into a Kokina Clutch. Pope taps out.
WINNER: Samoa Joe. Joe is now on the board…until referee Eric Bischoff Jr. reverses the decision after Joe refuses to let go of the hold. NEW WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: D’Angelo Dinero. Dinero gets the points now.
Backstage (man, that was fast), Joe is screaming semi-nonsensically. Joe talks about everyone in the offices wanting to kill him. I don’t think I’d want to work for people who just want to kill me. He says that they will be held responsible for his actions now.
In another area backstage, James Storm is complaining that he has tweaked his back, and doesn’t think he can do the match with Hernandez tonight. Bobby Roode offers to take his place, and Storm says okay.
In yet another backstage area, Blubber is on the phone with Hogan (apparently), complaining about how Anderson shouldn’t be a member of the H.O.G.s. Hogan is also apparently telling him he needs to apologize to Anderson.
MATCH 4-Street Fight: Hernandez (w/non-Mexicans) vs. Tag Team Co-Champion Bobby Roode (w/James Storm)
Man, Sarita’s looking disgusting with that gut. Hernandez throws Roode in the corner, but Roode reverses with some shots and a clothesline. This is a street fight, so why is Hernandez wearing his normal gear? Guess he doesn’t know the rule that you’re supposed to do street fights in your regular clothes. Fortunately, Roode does, as he’s in jeans. Roode with a plancha to the outside, followed by some chair shots. He throws a bunch of random weapons into the ring. Hernandez fights back, but not for long. Roode tries for a whip, but Hernandez reverses and whips Roode into the post. He goes for a pin on the outside and gets 2. Apparently, this is also Falls-Count-Anywhere. Glad we were informed. Hernandez gets a slingshot shoulder block. Hernandez takes off his belt, whips Roode and then chokes him a bit. Roode fights out with some punches. He tries for an Irish whip but Hernandez reverses into a standing avalanche. Hernandez gets 2 off a couple of trashcan lid shots. He throws Roode into the aluminum steel steps. Back in the ring and Roode gets in some trashcan lid shots to the head. He goes for a charge in the corner, but Hernandez gets the boot up. He backflips up onto the top rope, but gets another lid shot. Roode gets a superplex. Roode gets in a few shots with a kendo stick. He tries for a corner whip, but Hernandez reverses. Roode gets a boot in off the charge, and a second rope blockbuster for 2. Hernandez gets some shots in and a standing shoulder block. He signals for the Border Toss to the outside, but Roode reverses into the spinebuster. He goes for the fujiwara, but Rosita distracts the ref. Hernandez is bleeding. Storm and Anarquia go at it, causing Sarita to run in. She tries a kendo stick shot on Roode, which has no effect. Hernandez uses the distraction to get a roll-up in with his feet on the ropes for 3.
WINNER: Hernandez. Match #2 of the night that ends in a roll-up. This match was a mess.
Backstage, Bully Ray confronts Mr. Anderson and says he’s going to do the right thing and apologize for everything. Anderson’s not buying it, so Blubber keeps apologizing. Anderson shakes his hand, which leads to Ray kneeing him in the stomach. Didn’t see that coming a mile away.
We see Kurt Angle talking to guys in the production truck for some reason.
MATCH 5: Austin Aries vs. Alex Shelley
Love Aries’ pink sleeveless fuzzy vest. It’s awesome. Aries attacks Shelley in the corner before the bell, followed by a chop to the chest and a foot to the back of the neck over the ropes. Guillotine double axe handle by Aries, but he Shelley blocks the slingshot tope con hijo, they trade some shots before Shelley gets in a series of pin attempts. Aries misses an enziguri, and Shelley gets a la magistral for 2. Shelley with corner shops, but Aries flips out of a corner whip. Shelley with a reverse STO into the turnbuckle for 2. Aries with a mule kick, but Shelley gets a dragon screw in. He locks in a spinning inverted figure-4 style move (Charly Manson’s finisher), but Aries gets to the ropes. Shelley goes for it again, but Aries kicks him off and gets a hangman’s neckbreaker on Shelley in the ropes, sending him outside. Aries dives onto Shelley from the top and back in for 2. Aries goes for a superplex, but Shelley pushes him off and gets a thrust kick off the top, followed by a suicide dive onto the floor. Back in, Shelley goes for a top rope double-stomp, but Aries gets out. He goes for Sliced Bread #2, but Shelley reverses out into a roll-up for 2. Aries throws Shelley outside and then puts on Shelley’s ring jacket. The ref takes it away from him, but turns into a kick to the gut. He goes for Sliced Bread #2, but Aries throws him off and crotches him on the middle rope. While the ref’s back is turned, Aries kicks the middle rope, essentially a low blow. Aries locks on the brainbuster, and gets the 3.
WINNER: Austin Aries. After the match, Aries berates Shelley and continues to attack him. Brian Kendrick runs down to the ring to chase him off. Honestly, this was a good match, and a bit hard to keep track of for the recap as a result. Lots of counters and nearfalls. BTW-during the match, Mike Tenay announced that several new X-Division wrestlers would be debuting next week. I will be curious to see who they go with.
Eric Young is driving around, talking about his meeting last week, and that he’s on his way to a meeting with an acting coach named Nikki Costello. They try some lines and trade some less-than-witty banter. She asks if he’d like to be a television show host instead of an actor. Eric does all of the lines completely deadpan, and the acting coach says he’s a total waste of her time. Mine, too. Oh, and apparently, there’s a segment coming soon with Eric and Scott “Bob Lawblaw” Baio. Okay, that might actually be worth watching.
In the production truck, Angle and Bloated Ken Doll are making us watch the empty arena match from 2 years ago. I didn’t like this the first time, so I’m not recapping it the second time. Sorry. I’m sure you can look it up online if you really feel like watching it.
MATCH 6-BFG Series Match: Gunner and Scott Steiner vs. Crimson and Rob Van Dam
This is one of those stupid matches where only the guy who gets the pinfall gets any points. Hey, did you know Crimson is undefeated? Fortunately, Christy Hemme is there to remind us. Good for her. Crimson has on the very bright shade of red known as white. RVD and “Big Poppa Pump” Johnny Bravo will start off. Steiner throws RVD into the corner, but RVD counters with a leg scissors pin for 2. Steiner comes back with a clothesline and some chops and punches in the corner. Steiner tries a corner charge, but RVD jumps out of it and gets a kick. He goes to celebrate, but Steiner gets in a full-nelson slam and then spits in Crimson’s face. “Machine Gun” Joe Viterbo tags in, and after a few shots, RVD gets in a few. Gunner gets out of an arm wringer and gets some shots in in the corner. RVD gets in a kick and tags in Crimson, who hits a bodyslam and a t-bone suplex for 2. Crimson gets a knee to the back from Steiner off an Irish whip, followed by a running knee from Top Gun. Gunner with the very intense headlock now before tagging in Steiner again. Steiner with some chops in the corner and the spinning belly-to-belly for 2. Steiner gets a clothesline off an Irish whip, followed by his stupid posing elbow and push-up combo. Steiner tags Shooter McGavin back in, who gets a back suplex for 2. He goes for a second rope double axe handle, but Crimson counters it into a needlessly overcomplicated version of the reverse STO. He tags in RVD, who gets in a spin kick on Steiner, who had also tagged in. Steiner counters with an overhead belly-to-belly. He eats a leaping thrust kick from RVD, followed by Rolling Thunder for 2 before Gunner breaks it up. Crimson goes after Gunner in the ring while RVD and Steiner brawl on the outside. Crimson spears Gunner, followed by a Five-Star Frog Splash for 2. Steiner gets RVD with the reverse STO for 2. Steiner puts RVD up top, but Crimson electric chairs him. Another Five-Star on Steiner, and this one’s over.
WINNERS: Crimson and Rob Van Dam. RVD gets 7 points, and now takes 2nd place at 35 points. Christy Hemme now interviews the winners, and announces that Crimson and RVD will fight at Hardcore Justice. Crimson congratulates RVD, but says he’s winning at the PPV. It was just a thrilling interview.
We see Kurt Angle and Sting walking to the ring for an intense, exciting, action-packed…contract signing. Dear god. This is the third contract signing I’ve had to recap in just a few weeks.
[adinserter block=”1″]And your main-event contract signing is underway. Borash is such a tool. His suit matches the company logo. Sting traded in his Versace suit for a Wal-Mart special this week. And now we see that the contract has the words “WORLD TITLE MATCH” in big letters on the front page, in case we’re all stupid. Angle says Sting is one of the few men he respects. He gives Sting a bunch of praise before saying he’s coming after Sting at the PPV, and that he’s walking out of the show with the world title. Now it’s Stinger Romero’s turn. I could be wrong, but it looks like that brand new belt is already falling apart. Sting thanks Angle for his words, and that now he feels like he’s accomplished something after 25 years. Sting then reciprocates the verbal stroking to Angle. He says no one else can do things like moonsaults off cages (except of course, you know, every other wrestler that’s ever done that move). Sting says the belt is his lifeblood, and that the company still belongs to Dixie Carter, not Hogan or Bischoff. Didn’t Dixie Carter die? Oh, that was the far more successful television star with the same name. Sting says Kurt will damn near have to kill him to get the belt.
End of show.
Aside from the X-Division match (which was quite good), this show really sucked. The knockouts match and the Styles/Devon match cumulatively lasted around 5 minutes, and the street fight was pointless hardcore that wasn’t even all that hard. TNA Bound For Glory can’t get here soon enough, as I’m getting sick of these points matches. And the final segment? Pointless verbal massaging from Sting and Kurt Angle.
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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.
Full TNA Impact Wrestling August 4 Results
Rob Van Dam and Crimson defeated Gunner and Scott Steiner in a Bound for Glory Series Match
Austin Aries defeated Alex Shelley
Hernandez defeated Bobby Roode in a Street Fight Match
D’Angelo Dinero defeated Samoa Joe in a Bound for Glory Series Match via DQ
Devon defeated AJ Styles in a Bound for Glory Series Match
Miss Tessmacher defeated Madison Rayne