Hello, everyone. Welcome to my first time recapping TN-Impact. While some of you might have noticed my sarcasm in my Smackdown! recap last week, strap in, because you’re in for an even bumpier ride this time around. Why will I be so hard on this show compared to others? Well, let’s be honest. Have you ever SEEN an episode of this show before? Okay, that’s what I thought. Now that we are clear with each other and you know what to expect, let’s get on with this train wreck.
We start the show with Hulk Hogan and Scott Steiner in the back. Apparently, Steiner is the new member of Immortal. Hogan praises Steiner for a minute or so before hearing Sting’s voice. We see Sting cutting a promo on a monitor backstage, and he’s basically just talking about how he’s going to get Hogan while doing the stupid Joker voice. This leads Hogan to come out to the ring.
BTW, the entrance “videos” TNA Wrestling-pact uses are terrible and cheesy. Hogan begins talking about how he can’t believe Sting’s turned into such a coward. He somehow segues this into World Champion Mr. Anderson, who comes out to the ring, complete with his Battle Dome title belt. On a side note, Anderson has completely made the word “a**hole” worthless. Hogan tells Anderson he needs Hogan as badly as Hogan needs him, and when Anderson has to face Sting at the PPV, he can either join Hogan’s Orange Goblins (aka Immortal) or face psycho Sting by himself. Anderson responds by discussing his cockiness. Okay. This promo seems to have no end in sight, as it’s already gone on for 8 minutes. Hogan tells Anderson that we can’t have Sting running around the company, and that Anderson joining the Goblins equals money and ratings. Anderson says he doesn’t care about Hogan or Bischoff, and that he plans on taking Sting on by himself.
Just then, we see Sting beating up Steiner, Bully Ray and Abyss in the back. The lights go out, and when they come on, Sting’s in the ring with a bat. He takes out Hogan and chases Anderson off. He continues to attack Hogan, and there seems to be a jar of protein in the corner for whatever reason. Sting begins talking about how he was a Hogan mark back in the day (as if Hogan needs another person to do so), and this promo seems to have no rhyme or reason to it. Sting grabs the protein, which is apparently a giant jar of vitamins, and he’s shoving them in Hogan’s mouth. This is a rather homoerotic visual, I have to tell you. Sting then locks Hogan in the scorpion death lock, but you can tell Sting’s not putting any force into due to Hogan being crippled.
[adinserter block=”2″]We are now joined by Ray, Steiner, Abyss and Gunner. Yes, Gunner. Anyone else think Steiner kind of looks like Johnny Bravo? Ray calls Sting a wannabe and a nobody. Talk about the pot and the kettle. Bully Ray says he can’t stand bullies. Ray then challenges Sting to a match for tonight, and then Hogan says he’s going to wipe the smile off of Sting’s face. He better bring a heavy duty washcloth.
Mike Tenay reminds us approximately 1000 times that tonight’s show has limited commercials thanks to 5-Hour Energy. I sell 5-Hour Energy at my store. It’s garbage. We learn that Crimson, Gunner and James Storm picked up more points for the “Bound For Glory” series at house shows, as well as A.J. Styles. Crimson is in the lead at 17. Gunner will battle A.J. Styles in the series again, and Devon will face Samoa Joe. Now, 20 minutes in, because “Wrestling Matters”, we get our first match (but not before the first commercial break).
MATCH #1-Blades of Glory Series Match: Devon vs. Samoa Joe
You know why Samoa Joe loses all the time? Because he wears shoes. It’s science. Neither Joe nor Devon have any points yet, so the winner gets on the board with this match (not that either have a chance of winning the series). They trade holds for a few seconds, and Joe almost immediately goes for the Kokina Clutch, but is too close to the ropes. Devon gets Joe into the corner and starts punching, but Joe reverses and kicks Devon’s head off. Joe with a knee and is now punching Devon in the corner, followed by the Face Wash.
Devon’s back up with a spear and some clotheslines, reverses a whip into a spinning back elbow, uranage, headbutt and some more clotheslines. Kick out at 2 by Joe. Joe hits a leg lariat off the middle rope and then locks in a leg grapevine, but Devon gets the ropes again. Joe’s looking for a submission to get more points and locks in a key lock, but Devon’s in the ropes again. Apparently, Joe doesn’t realize where the ropes are. Joe back to the arm with a jujigatame, but no go. Joe catches Devon off the top with another kick and tries the clutch again, but Devon rolls out. He catches Joe in a standing uranage, and somehow, this is enough to get the three.
WINNER: Devon. Devon gets on the board with 7 points, while Joe is still at 0. Okay match. Longer than your average Impact fare, that’s for sure.
We go to the back where Pope is in the back with Devon’s kids, celebrating.
Back into another part, and we see Steiner yelling at Ray, Gunner and Abyss. Gotta love Steiner promos. Seriously, someone needs to give him and The Iron Sheik their own reality show stat. I’d recap what they are saying, but all you really need to know is Ray and Steiner are yelling nonsensically at each other.
Back to another part of the building, and Kazarian is telling Joe he’s too good to be sucking this badly. Joe calls him Tony Robbins. Joe calls everyone in Fortune “b*tches”. That’s really about it for that segment.
We get a recap of the X-Division Series, where Austin Aries and Zima Ion (ugh) have qualified, and tonight, Low-Ki, Matt Bentley and Jimmy Yang will be in the match tonight. Apparently, Jimmy Yang is doing the horrible “Flying Elvis” gimmick again.
MATCH #2-X-Division Series Qualifying Round: Matt Bentley vs. Jimmy Yang vs. Low-Ki
Bentley looks a little “special” without hair. So much for that retirement from wrestling, I guess. I’m picking Low-Ki to win this match, but I have a feeling that he’ll wind up being misused by this company once again. 3-Ways are hard to recap, so I’ll do my best. Yang is wrestling in the full jump suit. Ki with a cross body on Bentley for 2, but eats a kick to the head from Yang almost immediately. Yang lands another kick in the corner, and off the top with a cross body for another 2. Bentley back in (looking chubby, BTW), and he throws Yang out, who tries to skin the cat, but Ki is thrown into him by Bentley, leading to another nearfall. Bentley gets 2 off an elbow, and now we go to restholds. Tenay needs to shut the hell up about the limited commercials.
Ki is back out off a clothesline, followed by Bentley, followed by Yang who hits a very nice diving cross body to the outside (although he botched the landing). Yang and Ki back in to more restholds. Ki answers some knees with a crucifix, but another kick by Yang gets 2. Ki fires off some kicks of his own, and then hits a double stomp on Yang out of a sunset flip attempt. Ki hits the Tidal Crush on Bentlet and tries for a pin, but only gets 2. He goes back to Yang, who fires off yet more kicks. Bentley hits a really sloppy DDT/ace crusher combo on both guys before dropping Ki with a superkick for another 2. Bentley’s up top and tries a cross body on Yang, who turns it into a over-the-knee gutbuster. Yang misses Yang Time, but Ki lands the Warrior’s Way on Yang for the pin.
WINNER: Low-Ki. Solid match, but there were far too many kicks for my taste. That, and you can tell that Matt Bentley hasn’t been in the ring in a while. He’s looking pudgy, and he botched some basic moves that he shouldn’t have.
We listen to some of the X-Division guys talk about the upcoming Destination X PPV, including Kurt Angle, because nothing says X-Division like that nutcase. And where did Tenay lose all of his credibility?
Okay, apparently, the challenge Bully Ray made to Sting earlier was for him to face Steiner. Not sure when that changed, but alright.
We are then “treated” to a promo starring Madison Rayne, Winter and Angelina Love, who is apparently gotten over her zombie-ness. These three will wrestle Tara, Mickie James and Miss Tessmacher in a 6-knockout match later. Can we say workrate? Angelina Love starts rambling about how her relationship with Winter is no longer “synthetic” (whatever that means), and I can’t pay very close attention here because Angelina Love’s lack of body is making me nauseous. She could use a sandwich or ten.
Does Spike TV have a contract that states all of their original programming must be atrocious?
We then see Kazarian and Samoa Joe in a bar. Kazarian makes a crack about how Joe found the bar, and has had no trouble finding Wendy’s. He’s right. Joe beats up Kazarian all over the bar, the same way he did to Crimson a few weeks ago. Not sure the point of these segments.
Hogan’s in the back, taping his hands up, rambling about beating up Sting. Yeah, okay.
MATCH #3-6-Knockouts Tag Team Match: Angelina Love, Winter and Madison Rayne vs. Miss Tessmacher, Tara and Knockouts Champion Mickie James
Winter’s music is appalling. I would rather hear the death rattle of my only child than have to listen to that music. Madison Rayne being from the same home town as me makes me sad. On top of that, you can barely tell the difference between her and Mickie James anymore. Not exactly sure what Tessmacher’s gimmick is supposed to be at this point, and I’d tell you what my nickname for Mickie James is, but it’s not appropriate here. Taz is rambling about all the hot chicks in the ring. Where?
The “match” starts off with James and Winter. Stupid hair whip that every woman does by James, followed by a Thesz press that has Lou rolling around in his grave. Angelina Love is in, and she’s apparently had 16 more boob jobs since last week. Now Tessmacher’s in, and she does what she does best-nothing. Tenay informs us this is an elimination match. Since when? Winter back in with a chinlock on Tessy, who gives Winter a stinkface. Winter lands a northern lights suplex and the 3.
Tessy is eliminated.
Tara in with her stupid standing moonsault, which gets 2. Winter picks Tara up in a fireman’s carry, and Love hits Tara in the face with the Botox Injection. Rayne tags in and gets the 3.
Tara is eliminated.
Rayne eats a Mick Kick while Love and Winter stare and do nothing. Mickie gets the 3.
Rayne is eliminated.
Love and Winter now double-team Mickie with punches and go for the Botox combo again, but Mickie reverses into a roll-up for 2. Mickie takes a backbreaker from winter, and then Love’s inverted DDT/lung blower move. She starts to go for the pin, but her and Winter start arguing over who’s going to do it. Mickie’s back up and hits her hurricanrana out of the corner on Winter, followed by a hangman’s neckbreaker on Love for 3.
Love is eliminated.
Mickie hits the standing tornado DDT on Winter, and this match is over.
WINNERS: Mickie James, Tara and Miss Tessmacher. This match was a mess. There was just no science to it, with the Knockouts title taking a backseat to the Winter crap. I guess this whole thing with Winter and Angelina has mostly been dropped, with Love getting over her drug addiction at a miraculous rate of just a week.
Gunner is in the back talking about how he and A.J. Styles are 1 and 1 in Blades of Glory matches, and that he’s the number 1 guy in the company and will prove it after he beats A.J. again tonight. He talks about proving to everyone that he will be world champion and a main eventer. Nothing screams main event more than a name like “Gunner”.
I don’t think I want to know the type of person who is excited about playing the Impact Wrestling fantasy game.
Another promo segment with Brian Kendrick and Abyss because, you know, “Wrestling Matters”. Kendrick’s doing his spiritual leader bit, while Abyss is rambling on about The Art Of War again.
Mike Tenay is STILL rambling on about the “limited commercials”. We’re now doing a contract signing segment with Daniels and A.J. Styles. Why? Oh, and Daniels now has his worst theme music yet. Listening to Taz and Tenay argue about ABSOLUTELY NOTHING is giving me a migraine. Nothing against Daniels and Styles, but did their non-title, semi-meaningless match at Destination X really require a contract signing bit?
Daniels says this match is about nothing else except the X-Division, and A.J. agrees. Daniels says there’s no better match to headline the PPV than Daniels/Styles, and for once, I actually agree with something on this show. They both sign the contract, and Jeremy “Toolbox” Borash announces is official. Out of nowhere, Jerry Lynn begins heading to the ring as Borash leaves. On a side note, I’ve met everyone in the ring right now (all great guys, BTW). Lynn then says that he’s sick of hearing guys argue about who built the division, and that the division is supposed to be about the wrestling.
Now, Rob Van Dam makes his way to the ring to his terrible music. He tells us all he’s the “Whole F’n Show”, in case we had forgotten that. He says he was X-Division before there was an X-Division. Lynn reminds RVD who feuded with him for a year, and who the “New F’n Show” is. Since Lynn and RVD will also be facing each other at the PPV, Daniels comes up with the idea of a 4-corners match involving all four of them next week. They all agree, so that will happen next week.
Lynn is still better than most guys half his age.
Gunner comes to ringside from nowhere and begins attacking Styles. A.J. gets the upper hand, and his match with Gunner will start now.
MATCH #4-Blades Of Glory Series: A.J. Styles vs. Goose
A.J. starts on offense with kicks and punches, followed by a jumping knee and a back suplex. He backs Goose into the corner, but eats a running knee as Iceman gets on the highway to the danger zone. Tom Cruise goes for a powerbomb, but A.J. reverses into a Pele and a dropkick sensds that guy from E.R. out of the ring. Alright, I’m out of Top Gun references for now. A.J. hits a flip dive on the outside. Back in the ring and A.J. eats a clothesline. Gunner’s got a little blood trickling from his left eye. He picks up A.J. for the Mr. Pibb (what I’m calling his version of the F-5), but A.J. kicks out of it. A.J. goes to the outside for a top rope move, but Gunner kicks the ropes as A.J. comes back in. He picks up A.J., lands the Mr. Pibb, and this one is over.
WINNER: Gunner, who earns 7 points and takes the lead in the series over Lance Sackless with 21 points. To the 5 of you that get that reference, kudos.
Dear god, I didn’t notice it before, but during this entire show, there has been a graphic in the upper left corner that says “Limited Commercial Interruption”.
Red Jump Suit Apparatus are horrible. It’s fitting they’d be featured on Impact Wrestling.
In case we’ve forgotten, Taz reminds us all that Impact Wrestling is presented with “Limited Commercial Interruption” by 5-Hour Energy.
We get a recap of all the nonsense going on between ODB, Jackie and Velvet Sky. It’s drivel.
Velvet Sky begins talking about how she is used to being bullied and blah, blah, blah. Tons of promos=”Wrestling Matters”. Apparently, Velvet Sky isn’t weak anymore, and that she has a handicap match against ODB and Jackie, where if ODB and Jackie lose, they’re gone from TN-er, Impact Wrestling. That will happen next week, and Velvet will lose. We will also see the 4-corners match next week, as well as Lance Sackless vs. Bobby Robert Roode.
No! We have to listen to Hernandez talk again?! Fortunately, he cuts it short and hands the mic to Anarquia, who is only slightly better than Hernandez. No one in this group is a full-blown Mexican, BTW. He rambles on about how they are not criminals, and why they can’t be in the BFG series, and how they’ve beaten everyone in the company (even though, you know, they’ve hardly beat anyone). I’d be pissed if I was one of the people in the audience who had seats across from the hard camera, as the giant Mexican flag hangs down the entire time Mexican America are in the ring.
The British Invasion come down to the ring, and Magnus mentions how they are also foreigners in the U.S., and how they are proud of how they are living in the U.S. I guess they just became faces now. Magnus says he doesn’t like people who come to another country and expect everything handed to them, and that Mexican America hasn’t earned anything. He says they have yet to beat the British Invasion, and that it won’t happen either. He asks for a tag team match to determine the real #1 contenders to the tag titles, and that Anarquia and Hernandez need to be men and leave the girls at home. He then calls the girls “los prostitutos”, and I’m inclined to agree. This leads to a brawl between the teams, which leads Big Roid Terry to come out. I guess he’s saving his former pseudo-countrymen and reforming with them, despite the fact that he’s from Wales.
Great. A segment with Karen and Jeff Jarrett. Jeff is like that can of Diet Shasta Orange in the vending machine at a roach motel that no one wants. The can is ancient, and the vending machine guy won’t replace it because he’s either too lazy or deep down, is really hoping someone will buy it one day. Basically, they talk about how they are in Mexico and will be back soon. For those that don’t know, Jeff Jarrett pissed off an entire nation of wrestling fans and won the AAA Mega Championship.
Back to Orlando and Abyss is pretending to read his book again. You know, a few weeks back, he was looking at that book and had it open on camera. You know what was inside? I kid you not, it was full of hand-written cue cards. All of a sudden, Abyss begins looking for his mask, which has apparently vanished. He starts to flip out about his mask as Gunner tries to calm him down.
MATCH #5-“Big Poppa Pump” Johnny Bravo vs. Sting Ledger
We start with Bloated Ken Doll doing the fancy introductions, but Johnny Bravo is having none of that. Spinning belly-to-belly gets 2. Bravo’s chest is almost concave at this point. He hits a clothesline and a posing elbow before going into push-ups. Because nothing says “strong” like an exercise that even the weakest child can do. Bravo’s dominating, and I think it’s because Little Suzy isn’t out here to distract him.
Sting Ledger gets a boot up in the corner and begins hitting weak chops and a facebuster for 2. Sting hits the Stinger Splash, but Steiner catches him in a reverse STO for 2. Steiner goes for the Steiner Recliner, but Sting reverses it into the death lock. Steiner catches the ropes and gets a thumb to the eyes. T-Bone Suplex, and both are down. I’m mad we didn’t get a real Steiner promo tonight. Sting gets a kick to the back, Scorpion Death Drop, and this one’s over.
WINNER: The dead movie star.
[adinserter block=”1″]Sting pulls out another mini bottle of paint. Why in the hell did he have paint in his tights? Blubber Ray runs down to the ring, but eats some clotheslines and a Stinger Splash. Mr. Anderson comes in and hits the sloppiest Mic Check you’ve ever seen. Seriously, Anderson sucks a fat one. The Orange Goblins are now double-teaming Sting, and neither of them seem to know how to put on a submission hold. Blubber begins yelling for Hogan. Hogan gingerly walks to the ring and starts hitting Sting with some old man punches. He grabs Sting’s bat, which cause Kurt Nutjob to run into the ring and get the heels out of there. End of show.
This has definitely been more fun than the Friday Night Smackdown! recap. So much more raw sewage-I mean, material, to work with.
Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.
TNA Impact Wrestling 6/30/11 Match Results…
Bound for Glory Series: Devon defeated Samoa Joe
Bound for Glory Series: Gunner pinned AJ Styles
In an X-Division tournament bout, Low Ki defeated Matt Bentley and Jimmy Yang
Mickie James, Tara & Miss Tessmacher defeated Madison Rayne, Winter & Angelina Love
Sting pinned Scott Steiner
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