Welcome to the 12/22/11 edition of Impact Wrestling. Hoping everyone is having a wonderful Festivus season this month. We see a video package highlighting Bobby Roode’s heel turn over the last couple months, including retaining the World title against AJ Styles last week. We also see footage of Blubber Ray putting Jeff Hardy through a table with the help of Roode, which I missed last week when my DVR cut off at the 2-hour, 5-minute mark. Hopefully, TNA actually ends their show on time this week so I don’t run into that problem again.
In the Impact Zone, World Champion Bobby Roode makes his way out. He is accompanied by Blubber, who is wearing a Santa hat. Considering Christmas is on Sunday, I’m expecting this to be a total throw-away show. Next week, too. Although, now that I think about it, you could really call any episode of this show throw-away at this point. Roode tells the crowd he loves this time of year and wishes everyone a “Merry freakin’ Christmas”. He hopes everyone loved the early Christmas gifts he and Ray gave everyone last week. Giving is better than receiving this time of year, and the only thing they forgot to do was wrap some bows around Sting and Jeff Hardy. Blubber Ray take the mic and yells nonsensically about giving things to people, including whiskey to a cat. He like to give beatings more than anything else, and last week, he gave “Season’s Beatings” to Hardy and Sting. Roode takes the mic back and says the one thing Sting has proven to him is that every action has a consequence, and his actions last week were very naughty. He’s probably on Sting’s naughty list. Roode calls Sting out to the ring to look the champ in the eyes and tell him that he is suspended. Show your authority, Sting, and suspend him. It’s Christmastime, and he could use the time off.
Up next, Kazarian and AJ Styles take on RVD and Christopher Daniels in the Wild Card tournament. You know, they could at least have tried to make these teams a little more random, since it’s supposedly a random draw. At least they sort of tried last week.
Before the match, we learn the main event tonight (as outlined above) will be a Street Fight.
MATCH 1-“Wild Card” tournament quarterfinal match: Christopher Daniels and Rob Van Dam vs. Kazarian and AJ Styles
Kaz needs to learn how to put pro-tan on a little better. He looks like he’s been rolling in dirt. Sorry, but when you grow up around bodybuilding like I did, you notice these things a lot more. RVD and Kaz start off with a tie-up. RVD turns it into a hammerlock. Kaz reverses. RVD reverses. They trade a few more moves. Good chain wrestling here, which is something sorely lacking in TNA. They trade some arm drags before going to a stand-off. Styles tags in now. RVD looks to tag in Daniels, but Daniels tells him he’s got this instead. RVD goes to a side headlock. Crisscross sequence ends with a beautiful dropkick by Styles. RVD reverses a corner whip, hits a back elbow and a jumping side kick. RVD goes to tag Daniels in, but he pretends to be distracted by the fans. Styles tags in Kaz, who hits a spinning heel kick for 2. RVD reverses a corner whip and hits a monkey flip. Kaz comes back with a sunset flip out of the corner for 2 before going into a side headlock. Styles back in. He hits RVD with an awkward suplex for 2. Styles is still selling the knee from last week, so at least there’s some continuity. RVD comes back with a punch and goes for Rolling Thunder, but he accidentally-on-purpose slams into Daniels. The referee counts this as a tag, so Daniels comes in. Styles tags in Kaz, who hits a leg lariat, clothesline and back body drop. Kaz hits a nice side-Russian legsweep off the ropes for 2. Daniels kicks him off and goes to tag in RVD, who just kicks him in the head. Kaz hits the reverse tombstone and gets the 3.
WINNERS: Kazarian and AJ Styles. Kaz really needs a new finisher, as the reverse tombstone doesn’t look like it could hurt a fly.
Mike Tenay reminds us of the main event later tonight, calling it “our Street Fight tag team Impact Wrestling main event of the evening.” Does Tenay ever hear how stupid he sounds?
After the commercial, we get a video for Anthony Nese, who looks a little like a smaller Chris Masters. This segues into video of Zema Ion, who faced Nese last week in the first match of a best-of-3 series. Match 2 in the series is next.
MATCH 2-Match 2 in a best-of-3 series: Zema Ion vs. Anthony Nese
Nese may have the most generic entrance “video” in this entire company. That’s saying something. He looked damn good last week, and Ion is a great talent, so for once, I’m actually looking forward to an Impact match. Ion hits a baseball slide on Nese before he can even enter the ring, signaling for the start of this match. Ion gets back up on the apron and hits an Asai moonsault off the middle turnbuckle. Nese is thrown inside the ring, and as Ion gets in, Nese hits a quick hurricanrana right into a pin attempt for 2. Ion comes back with a kick and corner whips Nese. Ion follows up with a running elbow, but Nese responds with an enziguri. Nese follows up with a top rope reverse-direction cross body for 2. Ion knees out of a suplex, but Nese trips him up off a rope bounce. Nese goes for an Asai moonsault, but Ion slides to the apron. Nese sees it and lands on his feet. Ion tries a sunset flip into the ring, but Nese just kicks him in the head and hits the Asai moonsault for 2. A pair of clotheslines follow. Ion comes back with a boot, but runs right into a pancake. Nese follows up with a quick German suplex for 2. Nese goes for a springboard cross body, but Ion moves out of the way, sending Nese to the mat. Ion climbs to the middle turnbuckle, but Nese cuts him off with a European uppercut and a springboard top rope hurricanrana for 2. Nese picks Ion up for what appears to be an air raid crash, but Ion reverses it into a sunset flip powerbomb. Ion’s back up first, and he hits a back suplex into a facebreaker. He goes for the pin, but pulls Nese up before the 3 can be counted. Nese catches Ion sleeping and locks in a quick body scissors into a victory roll for 3.
WINNER: Anthony Nese, who ties the series 1-1. Better match than the one they had last week, in my opinion. A lot more evenly matched this time.
We see Madison Rayne backstage, and Anonymous Interviewer says he hears she has a big announcement tonight. Madison says that’s wrong, because she actually has a HUGE announcement tonight. From this point forward, Impact Wrestling will never be the same. Before she left, Karen Jarrett appointed her the new V.P. of the Knockouts division. Interviewer asks why she’s dressed in a referee outfit. She says it has to deal with her first official piece of business, so don’t go anywhere.
Elsewhere, D’Angelo Dinero is talking about his relationship with Devon. He calls himself a father to the fatherless, a husband to the husbandless, and is down for his people whenever they are in need. If Pope dresses better than you, start dressing better. Pope is just rattling off a bunch of B.S. at this point. I’m not recapping this. Basically, it leads to the announcement that Devon is facing Pope at Genesis. Devon confronts him, and Pope goes into chickensh*t mode. He slams Pope against the wall, but one of his sons hits him across the back with a chair. The other son joins the picture. Pope says that’s just a little bit of what’s going to come to Devon.
We see some footage from earlier this week of Eric Young having dinner with ODB in a restaurant that looks like it was ripped straight out of Pee-Wee’s Playhouse. ODB says this isn’t a date and calls this a business meeting. ODB shakes her jugs at someone off-screen. Young says they’re facing Anarquia and Shannon Moore in the “Wild Card” tournament. Young tries to do a lock-up with the referee. ODB is now chugging what appears to be a 40 of vodka. I don’t know the point of that segment, and I don’t give a damn either.
Back from commercials, and the “King of Queens” Madison Rayne makes her way out in her referee’s dress or whatever it is. Rayne calls Tara and Miss Tessmacher to come out to the ring, please. And by please, she means “NEEEOOOOWWWW!” Tara and Tessy make their way out. Rayne tells them about her being the new V.P. of the division, only now she’s the “executive” V.P. With the new title comes great responsibility. Okay, uncle Ben. The responsibility allows her to destroy everyone underneath her, and she’s starting with Tara and Tessy. They make her want to throw up. This TNT love affair of theirs, she’s going to make it boom go away. They’re going to face each other “ONEONONEINTHEMIDDLEOFTHISRING!” And, just to make sure there is a match, she’s appointed a special referee, that being herself. The match will start after the commercials. There can only be one queen in this court and that’s Rayne. Great. We go from one screaming howler monkey of a broad in way too many segments each week straight to another.
MATCH 3: Miss Tessmacher vs. Tara (Special Referee: Madison Rayne)
Tessy hits a quick sunset flip for 1. Tara reverses for 1. They trade several more botched pin attempts. The highlight is when Tara gets Tessy down face-first on the mat and Rayne still goes down to make the count. They trade more pins, as they are obviously screwing around for their own amusement. I say they’re own, because it’s not even remotely funny. Rayne screeches in each of their faces. Tie-up leads to Tara backing Tessy in the corner. Rayne smacks Tara across the back of the head. Tessy does the same thing to Tara, and Rayne does the smack again. Another tie-up, leading to an arm wringer by Tara. Tessy flips out and goes for her own. Tara does the same thing. Another tie-up, and Tessy snapmares Tara and kicks her in the back. Rayne is screaming the entire time. Tara hits a hip throw into a side headlock, picks her up and does it again. Tara whips Tessy down by the hair, and Tessy spears her. They trade mounted punches. Tessy ducks a clothesline off the ropes and hits her own. The crowd is totally dead. Tara hits a clothesline and goes for the Widow’s Peak, but Tessy escapes, hits a clothesline, back elbow and an Eve Torres dropsh*t. She goes up top for a cross body and hits it, but Rayne only counts one. They simultaneously hit facebusters on each other as Rayne counts them both out in between checking her boots. Tara and Tessy start yelling at each other. Rayne tries to step in and screams for someone to hit someone. They simultaneously hit her, then Tebow in the middle of the ring. I hate them both now more than ever.
WINNER: No contest. Rayne throws a fit on the ramp.
We see footage from earlier tonight as Jeff Hardy and Sting made their way backstage. Anonymous Interviewer asks them to walk him through what just happened, because he apparently can’t see or hear anything. Sting says what happened is going to be history. He’s wanted to team with hardy for a long time. He calls himself a mark for Hardy, and puts his full endorsement on Hardy. Hardy says it means the world to him that he got a second 15th chance. Sting says both Roode and Ray’s sphincter muscles are tight right now. Uh, yeah.
We go to more footage of Eric Young at the restaurant. This time, he’s in the kitchen, apparently trying to find something to give ODB as a gift. He tries to tie up with the chef. Then grabs a plastic storage tray and a fan. Get this man the hell off my TV screen now.
Back in the Impact Zone, Criss Angel comes out to the ring. I don’t remember him having a beard. Hmmm? My sources are telling me this is James Storm. Oh. Storm says Angle has been asking where James Storm is. He’s not a hard man to find, as he’s either here or he’s down at the local bar. Because, you know, I’m sure Orlando only has one bar in it. He then makes some stupid comment about Angle’s GPS system telling him where to go to get his butt whipped. Storm isn’t scared of or intimidated by Angle. It’s no mystery Angle handed his butt, and if he looks at his right fist, he might still see pieces of Storm’s face on there. Storm reminds us he beat Angle at the PPV, saying “You got Tim Tebowed”. I don’t know what that means, and I don’t care so please don’t tell me.
All of a sudden, we see footage up on the screen of Angle dressed like a windowless white van-driving children’s birthday party cowboy, hanging out with some woman. They are supposedly in Leipers Fork, TN, aka Orlando, FL. A waitress brings Angle a glass of moonshine. He tells the woman she reminds him of the horse he rode in on, then spits the moonshine in her face. Angle says the moonshine tastes just like piss water. I don’t need to know how Angle knows piss water’s flavor. He looks at the camera and tells Storm “Sorry about their damn luck”, referring to the people in the town.
We see Shannon Moops heading to the ring underneath the bleachers. Anonymous Interviewer asked him if he had a strategy for tonight. Moops shows his intelligence by saying, “No, I don’t have no strategy for tonight.” He’s been doing this for 19 years, and tonight he’s going in for a fight. He doesn’t like the situation. He doesn’t want to fight a woman because he respects women, but he doesn’t respect Anarquia. Shannon says he’s going to do what he does best tonight, and that’s win. When was the last time he won anything?
I don’t know if Uwe Boll had anything to do with In the Name of the King 2, but if he did, every copy of that movie should be destroyed immediately. I’m serious.
Back from the break, we see Blubber Ray and Bobby Roode talking to Anonymous Interviewer, he talks about two of the greatest wrestlers in history…taking on Jeff Hardy and Sting. Oh, I get it. Blubber calls himself “The baddest mofo walking the business today.” Okay. He’s carrying a kendo stick for some reason. Roode says he’s got Sting exactly where he wants him tonight. Sting gets his tonight, and Hardy’s getting just a taste of what Roode will do to him at Genesis.
MATCH 4-“Wild Card” tournament quarterfinal match: Anarquia and Shannon Moore (w/Rosita and Sarita) vs. ODB and Eric Young
Sarita has a butterface, and it looks really awkward when she tries to act sexy. Young and Anarquia start the match off and do a whole lot of nothing. They finally tie-up and Young goes into a side headlock. He knocks Anarquia down off the ropes, then stands on his back. Anarquia runs into a hip toss and backs into Moore, who tags himself in. Moore tries for a tie-up, but Young slides to the floor and trades lock-ups with the non-Mexican Mexican women at ringside. Young takes his shorts off before getting back in the ring. He hits a flying forearm for 2. Anarquia punches Young in the kidneys before stomping on him and hitting a back elbow off the ropes for 2. Anarquia with a bodyslam. He goes to the corner for a move, but Moore tags himself in again. Young reverses a corner whip and runs into a back elbow. Moore hits a moonsault from the top rope (a “moonsault cross body block”, according to “The Professor”) for 2. Anarquia tags himself in and punches Young in the stomach. Young kicks him off and tags in ODB. Anarquia bodyslams her. So much for Spike’s “no man-on-woman violence” rule. Moore takes offense to this and gets in Anarquia’s face. They start shoving each other before Moore bails on the match. ODB slaps Anarquia in the chest a few times before slapping him in the face. She bodyslams him near the corner, allowing Young to hit an elbow drop from the top rope. Young distracts the referee by locking up with him, allowing ODB to kick Anarquia in the nuts. The referee turns around to count the 3.
WINNERS: ODB and Eric Young.
The main event is next after the commercials…
…But before it’s actually next, more promos! Anonymous Interviewer is with the World Tag Team Champions, Crimson and Matt Morgan, asking their opinion on the tag team tournament. Crimson doesn’t understand why the teams who have moved on would want to move on to face them. No one can scare or intimidate him. Morgan says they’ll take on any team from anywhere in the world.
We see Kurt Angle in another bar, assaulting people with a cap gun. Of course I’m not kidding. He beats up approximately the entire population of Leipers Fork, hitting them all with really sloppy superkicks that even selling machines like Daniel Bryan or CM Punk would be embarrassed to take. Angle says he’ll see James Storm at Genesis.
The main event is now, which Jeremy Borash announces as a “No Rules Street Fight”. Thanks, JB. I kind of figured that it being a Street Fight meant no rules since every Street Fight ever has been fought that way, but thank you so much for making it crystal clear for all of the people who didn’t understand, specifically yourself.
MATCH 5-Street Fight: Bully Ray and World Champion Bobby Roode vs. Jeff Hardy and Sting
Sting comes out wearing jeans, a t-shirt and basketball shoes, proving he’s the only one who understands the fan law that states “wearing street clothes in a street fight=automatic win”. Hardy’s and Ray’s gear in a regular match are already street clothes, so that means their gear is ineffective in this environment. The faces charge the ring and immediately attack the heels. Sting pairs of with Ray, and Hardy pairs off with Roode. Sting and Ray brawl to the floor as Hardy and Roode continue to fight in the ring. We go to split screen, which is really stupid, since the two pairs are fighting all of five feet apart from each other. Hardy sends Roode to the floor with a headscissors. Sting’s back in the ring now. They hit a double plancha (“slingshot move”/”high risk double offense” according to Tenay) as we go to commercial.
WINNERS: Jeff Hardy and Sting. After the match, Roode slides to the floor and begins spitting up loogies, acting like the splash made him sick. Gross. Stop watching that tape of John Cena, Bobby.
End of show.
On a side note, to cap off an episode of TNA, Spike TV immediately shows their faith in the company by showing the movie The Stranger, starring WWE’s Steve Austin.
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