Welcome to the 12/8/11 edition of Impact Wrestling. Before I get started, I have a question. Does TNA have an axe to grind with Bobby Roode? We all know what happened with Bound For Glory and the aftermath leading to his championship reign. Now, even Roode’s former partner, James Storm, is more or less trashing him. Storm recently appeared on the Busted Open radio show and had the following to say in regards to Roode:
“My character…I have character. I have a character that a lot of people can relate to. A guy who drinks beer, and goes out hunting, and fishing, and just hangs out at the bar, and has a good time. Like you said, Walmart, Nascar, it’s all that character fit into one, which looking at Bobby Roode, who is Bobby Roode? What exactly is Bobby Roode besides being jacked? I mean, I don’t know what definition of a character you’d give him? Growing up, wrestling had characters, and I think that’s what wrestling today is missing. They don’t really have the flashy characters they did back then. You had the Jake Roberts, and you had The Macho Man. Even Hulk Hogan, Ultimate Warrior. All of those guys were different characters. It seems like today all the wrestlers are almost the same. They’re like the same build, and they wrestle the same, and all this. So, it’s kind of hard to find a unique character.”
While I agree that Roode isn’t the most electrifying guy on the microphone, he’s far from terrible. What does he have to do to get the company and its employees to at least act like they believe in him, that he’s worthy of the position he is now in?
In the Impact Zone, Sting is making his way to the ring, as if you couldn’t guess that since he opens practically every damn episode of this show. Sting wants to get right down to business and immediately calls out Bobby Roode. Roode slowly makes his way down and gives Sting a condescending smile before he enters the ring. Sting says Roode paid one of his debts last week with the main event, there are still some consequences that need to be dealt with. He then calls Dixie Carter down to the ring.
Dixie Carter scarecrows her way down to the ring. I’m amazed she doesn’t have her iPhone in her hand, as that is the norm for her. Hey, did you know Dixie Carter has a Facebook account? Did you ever care? Sting tells her not to worry about Roode, because he’s not going to do anything while Sting’s here. Sting says putting your hands on Dixie is the same as putting your hands on him, and he remembers what happened a couple weeks ago when Dixie ended up on the floor, having been knocked down by Roode. Sting tells Roode he owes Dixie an apology right now. Roode asks if Sting’s serious. Roode agrees to apologize, but he wants to do it right, asking Sting to give them some space. For whatever reason, this starts an “On your knees” chant. Roode apologizes, that he’s sorry for not being completely honest with her. As she can see, things are different now, and he’s not scared to say anything because he’s the champ and she needs him. Business is better than ever since he became champ, everybody wants to jump on the Bobby Roode Express, including Dixie. Roode says he wouldn’t even sell her a ticket because she’s not woman enough to handle the ride. Sting tries to go after Roode, but Dixie holds him back. Roode asks if Sting is going to try to take away his First Amendment rights. Roode wants to finish the apology. He calls Dixie a fake, a phony, daddy’s little rich girl, and says she’s never earned a penny in her life, and has had everything handed to her and was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Roode just became one of my favorite wrestlers with that comment. Roode states she couldn’t run a lemonade stand, let alone a wrestling company. He’s 100% right. Roode calls her pathetic. He is Bobby Roode. He is the World Heavyweight Champion. The leader of the selfish generation, and whether or not Dixie and Sting like it, he’s the face of TNA. It appears to Roode he has just spit in the face of authority. He then actually spits in Dixie’s face and I love Bobby Roode even more as a result.
Back from commercials, AJ Styles corners Roode in the back and slams him against a fence. He tells Roode Dixie gave him everything. The only thing stopping him from picking Roode apart is that he wants everyone to see him do it Final Resolution when he takes the title. Sting immediately storms in, but Styles and Jeff Hardy tell him to calm down and let them handle this.
MATCH 1: Samoa Joe vs. Abyss
I really hope Joe signs with WWE once his contract is up in the near future. There is absolutely no reason for him to be wrestling’s biggest jobber like he currently is. I’ve never seen a former champion booked so badly for so long. Joe starts with some right hands and a chop, but runs right into a shoulder by Abyss. Abyss with punches, but Joe rolls out of the way of an avalanche and hits a standing enziguri in the corner. Joe stomps Abyss down and goes for the Face Wash, but he runs right into a big boot. Abyss hits some corner gut shots as we go to commercial, despite the fact we just got through with commercials no more than five minutes ago.
Back from the break, Abyss is still on offense until Joe rakes the eyes. Joe with an inverted atomic drop, running boot and running senton for 2. Joe with more punches and some headbutts. He climbs to the middle rope and jumps off, but Abyss catches him around the throat. Joe elbows out, but runs into a pair of clotheslines. Abyss goes for the choke again, but Joe fights out with a foot stomp and another enziguri. Joe hits a running knee in the corner and is looking for the Muscle Buster. He sets Abyss up as Scott Steiner makes his way down. The referee goes to get between him and Joe as Blubber Ray has snuck in the other side fo the ring, wallet chain stretched in his hands. Joe turns around and gets clotheslined by Ray. Abyss hits a chokeslam and gets the 3.
WINNER: Abyss. After the match, Steiner and Ray climb into the ring and congratulate Abyss. They raise Abyss’ arms as he just kind of stares at them. Steiner goes to leave the ring, and Abyss catches him with a Black Hole Slam instead. Abyss then turns his attention to Ray, who gets away and goes to check on Steiner. Please, please tell me this will lead to a Steiner promo tonight. Oh, please. Oh, please.
Backstage, we see Karen Jarrett addressing the Jarrett Horse Ranch. She tells them that ODB obviously did not get the job done last week. Tonight, she’s relying on Madison Rayne, who is her ace in the hole. She tells Madison this is not the time to be sucking up and to wipe the smile off her face. She needs to take care of Mickie James, as Karen doesn’t want Mickie showing up at Final Resolution in one piece for her match with Gail Kim. Madison says she’s got it. Karen tells Gail she’s got a match tonight with Traci Brooks. Gail is mad because Traci is going to take out all of her frustrations on Gail, frustrations that Karen caused. Karen tells her to settle down and let her explain before she shuts the door.
Back from more commercials, we see Sting telling Gunner between him and Garett Bischoff, or however the hell his name is spelled this week. Gunner says it’s over when he says it’s over. Sting says it’s over now and walks away. Gunner pulls Sting back. Sting shoves him off and says he’s overstepping his bounds now. Gunner says Garett has come to Sting twice asking for a match with him, and Sting’s granted it. He’s been giving everyone they want, and all he wants is one more match. No Flair and no Eric Bischoff with him. Sting agrees. Gunner says Sting has his word that Flair and Bischoff won’t be there before they go their separate ways.
D’Angelo Dinero and Devon make their way to the ring, stopping to say hi to Devon’s kids in the process. Devon says before they get started, he wants to bring out Matt Morgan and Crimson. As if this was planned (ha, I say), Crimson’s music almost immediately hits. The World Tag Team Champions make their way down to the ring in their awesome and not-at-all douchey Aflliction-knockoff TNA shirts. Devon says he brought them out there to congratulate the new champions. Prior to taking the titles, they were beating the hell out of each other and weren’t the team they should have been. Then, all of a sudden, they became a team and beat the hell out of Mexican America. For that, Devon wants to thank them. Devon being part of one of the greatest tag teams in the history of wrestling, he happens to know a few things about tag teams. He and Blubber have won 23 tag team titles together and faced some of the greatest tag teams in wrestling. He lists off the Machine Guns, Beer Money, the Steiners and the Hardys. Devon feels both of them have what it takes to become legends and to become number one and stay there for a long time, but they have to understand he and Pope are now a tag team and will be facing the champs at Final Resolution. Devon expects them to bring the best, because Lord knows he and Pope will bring their A-game. He wants no excuses at the end of the match, because at the end of the night, Christy Hemme will be announcing new champions. May the best team win. Devon then shakes both of their hands as his music plays. Pope grabs the music and says while he may not agree with everything that “Captain Heel” said (?), one thing he can agree with is that Crimson and Morgan are two of the biggest, dumbest honkies they’ve come across in a long time. Props to Pope for trying to resurrect “honkies”. Devon tries to cut him off, but Pope won’t allow it. He says it’s not about 23 tag team championships; it’s all about the almighty dollar and the gold on their shoulders, because with the gold comes the money. As long as they have it, he and Devon are gunning for it. On Sunday, Pope is going to do whatever it takes to take those titles from the champions because Pope has spoken. The two teams then start to brawl after Pope, with Devon and Crimson brawling on the floor as Morgan punches on Pope in the ring while wearing his sunglasses. Pope comes back with a low blow, then stomps Morgan in the face and chest. He then calls Devon’s kids to come into the ring. They get in and begin beating on Morgan as well. Morgan gets back up and scares all three off.
Backstage, we see Karen Jarrett heading towards the ringside area with Gail Kim and Madison Rayne. This cuts over to Mickie James in another area, who is doing the same thing. Just super exciting television here.
Back from commercials, we see James Storm enter the building.
MATCH 2: Knockouts Tag Team Co-Champions Madison Rayne vs. Mickie James
Even though we just saw her with Mrs. Diet Shasta Orange and Gail Kim, Maddy comes out by herself. Mickie James comes out and does some really stupid pose on the stage. I’d love to use my nickname for her in these columns, but it’s not appropriate. As she gets in the ring to do her stupid corner pose, Rayne attacks her from behind. Rayne with a foot choke in the corner before a pair of corner whips, a hip bump and a hair mare for 2. Rayne slams James’ face into the mat a couple of times before raking at her face and going for a rear chinlock. James fights her way back to her feet and tries to elbow out, but Rayne jumps on her back. James backs her into the corner to break the move, but Rayne goes right back to it. James snapmares her off, hits a clothesline, a forearm and a flapjack. She goes up top for the Thesz Press, but Rayne sees it coming and botches a clothesline to the back. Rayne kicks her in the face for 2. Rayne grinds James’ face into the mat after a forearm to the back. Middle rope choke, but Rayne breaks it before 5. A suplex followed by a neckbreaker gets another 2. Rayne goes for the Rayne Drop, but James reverses with a an armdrag and botches the hell out of the standing Tornado DDT to get the 3.
WINNER: Mickie James. After the match, Gail Kim comes out with her pair of title belts to taunt Mickie James. Looking at the DDT on replay, James looked like she was having a muscle spasm or a seizure.
We see Garett Bischoff making his way towards ringside. Junior G-Man vs. “Machine Gun” Joe Viterbo is next.
Back from the break, and we see Blubber Ray and Scott Steiner in the back. Ray says they need a new game plan in regards to Abyss because nothing is working. Ray points out the girls they gave him last week, and they helped him win this week. There was no reason Scotty should have taken the Black Hole Slam. They’ve got to get with Eric Bischoff, up their game and get their heads together and come up with something because what they’ve been doing isn’t working. Steiner says, “Me and Eric Bischoff, will tight. I’m tight. I’ll go talk to him.” Steiner walks off and is screaming incoherently.
We get a video highlighting the “feud” between Bischoff Junior and Top Gun.
MATCH 3: Gunner (w/Eric Bischoff and Ric Flair) vs. Garett Bischoff
As Garett comes down, Eric and Flair are standing at ringside. So much for them not being here for this match, I guess. Just as typed that, Gunner orders them to go to the back, saying he’s got this. Gunner starts the match by whipping Bischoff into the corner and laying in some punches. Into another corner, Gunner hits some shoulder blocks and punches. Bischoff fights out with a kick and a bulldog. Bischoff follows up with a facebuster and a clothesline, but Gunner no-sells it and hits a clothesline of his own, sending Bischoff to the floor. Gunner puts Bischoff in a hammerlock and hurls him into the ring post. Lather, rinse, repeat. Back in the ring, Gunner hits an axe handle and more punches. Bischoff fights back with some punches, but one punch from Gunner takes him back down. Gunner picks Bischoff up and slams him back into the corner. Bischoff tries to get to his feet, but Gunner keeps kicking him down. He does it one too many times, and Bischoff catches his foot and gets the pin.
WINNER: Garett Bischoff. After the match, Gunner knocks the referee down before throwing Bischoff to the floor, where he whips him into the stairs. Gunner tries for a piledriver on the floor, but Father Bischoff comes out and tells him to stop. He then pulls up the floor mat and tells Gunner to do it on the concrete floor. Gunner does exactly what you’d expect and botches a piledriver as Eric Bischoff walks back up the ramp, applauding. I don’t know why that spot is done in wrestling, as there’s no way to make it look good. Gunner then apparently signals to the crowd “Piledriver”, although it looks more like he’s humping the air.
Back from commercials, we see Garett being hauled into an ambulance on a stretcher, complete with neckbrace. Eric and Flair are applauding him and congratulating each other. Eric says he’ll tell Garett’s mom he’ll be just fine. You really shouldn’t escort clubs while you’re on the clock, Eric.
Taz and Mike Tenay then talk about what just happened, using their best “Jim Ross tone”. It really pisses me off when announcers do that.
James Storm makes his way out next, looking like a redneck version of Criss Angel. He tells us that, last week, a man called him out. He never backs down from a challenge, and he’s standing in the ring right now. If Kurt Angle has something to say to him, say it to his face. Kurt Angle comes out, looking all crazypants. Angle gives Storm credit; he’s either plain stupid or one of the toughest SOBs he’s ever met. When Angle attacked him from behind a few weeks ago, he hit him so hard he thought he would knock himself out. He thought that, when Storm got a concussion, he’d be out at least six months. It was only three weeks, but that’s on him. He screwed up. At Final Resolution, he won’t screw up again. The ring is his world, and he’s the best wrestler in the world. It won’t happen like what happened when Storm and Sting screwed him out of the title. Angle says he thinks about that moment morning, noon and night. Storm says he doesn’t need Angle to think about him at night. What is with all the gay jokes in wrestling? Storm talks about Angle’s tone and his intimidation factor, which leads to Angle winning his matches before they even start. When Angle tells an opponent what he’s going to do to them, he allows his opponents to think about what’s going to happen when they step into the ring with him, when they step into the ring with a 13-time World Champion. Well, Storm, since Angle’s not actually a 13-time World Champion, then his opponents must be delusional. Anyway, Storm says his dad passed away when he was 12, his two step-brothers were killed by a drunk driver when he was 15, his step-dad died when he was 16, when he was 19 he lost his grandmother, and he had to put his 6 year-old dog to sleep last week. Wait, is he here to hype a match or sell a country album? Storm says he’s looked death in the face, and Angle doesn’t scare him. Nothing on Earth intimidates him. Angle can sit there and tell him what he’s going to do all he wants, but Storm says what he’s going to do to Angle instead. Last time they faced, Storm knocked him out with the Last Call and won the World Championship. This time, he’s going to hit the Last Call, then step on Angle’s head and crush it like a beer can. To show Angle how scared he is, since Angle likes to jump people from behind, he’s going to turn his back. If Angle’s feeling froggy, jump. Angle does nothing. Storm says that’s what he thought, he’ll see Angle on Sunday and it’s real. It’s damn real.
We see Gail Kim, Karen Jarrett and Traci Brooks in their locker room. Gail doesn’t get why she’s wrestling tonight. Karen says that since Mickie James had a match, she needs to have one, too. Karen says that there’s accusations out there that she’s not fair, so she has to give Gail a match to show that she is fair. She tells Traci there’s a problem-she’s not fair. Here’s the drill-Traci’s going to go down to the ring, followed by Gail. The bell will ring, and Traci will lie on her back since she’s used to doing that. Gail will cover her for 3, and that’s that. If there’s any funny business out there, Traci will have to deal with the wrath of Karen Jarrett. She’s not playing with Traci.
After yet more commercials, we see Devon laying into his kids in the back. He yells at them for what they did. He trained them, and he’s the one that calls the shots. Pope walks in, and Devon picks him up and slams him into the wall. He blames Pope for everything and goes to hit him, but one of his sons holds his arm and tells him not to do it. Devon says he’s going to leave now before he does something he will regret and tells his son to think long and hard about what he just did. Pope walks back in to check on the boys. He tells them their dad’s just a hothead, and they did good out in the ring tonight. If they stick with Pope, they’ll be main eventing in no time. Really? When’s the last time you had a main event, Pope? 2 years ago?
We cut over to Anonymous Interviewer who is with Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles. He asks how things are going to work tonight. Hardy says it’ll work out just fine. Jeff Jarrett doesn’t want him here, but he’s going to prove he belongs here. Styles says they’re on the same page and they’re going to take care of business. They both have something to prove, and that’s what they’re going to do tonight.
MATCH 4: Traci Brooks vs. Knockouts Champion and Knockouts Tag Team Co-Champion Gail Kim (non-title)
Hey, whatever happened to Brooks’ husband, Kazarian? He hasn’t been on here in what seems like months. Before the match starts, Kim is laughing and talking trash. Brooks looks like she’s wearing a prostitute’s wig. Brooks lays down and tells Kim to pin her, like Karen ordered, but Brooks kicks out at 2. Who didn’t see that coming? Brooks tackles Kim, punches her and slams her head into the mat. A clothesline, back elbow and corner shoulder charge follow. Brooks whips Kim to the mat by her hair for 2. Kim tries to fight back, but Brooks slams her back down before hitting a running knee in the ropes and a running clothesline. Brooks follows with a spear as Karen Jarrett runs out and gets on the ring apron, yelling at her to lay down. Brooks grabs Jarrett by the hair and goes to slug her, but the referee gets between the two. As this happens, Madison Rayne runs in and clocks Brooks with her title belt. The ref turns around and counts the 3 for Kim.
WINNER: Gail Kim. I still find it funny that, even though Sting is in charge and favors the faces, that Karen Jarrett is still in charge of the Knockouts Division. I guess that’s proof that no one in TNA thinks anyone is paying attention to the knockouts, so they don’t need to either.
Backstage we see Jeff Jarrett and Bobby Roode with their respective titles. I found out why Jarrett covered the AAA Mega Championship with his own plates, and it’s not in a “I’m defying the company” Lance Storm/WCW way. That AAA has no official affiliation with AAA, and the man in charge of booking for AAA told TNA that, as a result of that, Jarrett can be champion, but the belt is not allowed to be shown on TNA television, which also explains why the announcers have not once acknowledged Jarrett’s championship. Just some useless trivia for you. Jarrett tells Anonymous Interviewer he didn’t take Hardy out backstage, but he’ll do it tonight, which means he won’t show up at Final Resolution, which means in turn his Impact Wrestling career will be over. Roode says he’s beaten AJ Styles before, and he’ll do it again. The odds aren’t against him. Hardy and Styles won’t do anything to him or his partner tonight, and Styles will be just another victim of Bobby Roode.
Jeebus. I have seen this commercial for ShopTNA.com featuring the knockouts more times than I can count tonight.
We see Christopher Daniels in an interview from earlier today. He wants to know how much longer the champion can keep ducking him, and why this company continues to placate Bob Van Dam. When has a singlet become a colostomy bag? Don’t ask me. Daniels is on a role here. The question is, how many times does Daniels have to beat Bob Van Dam before he realizes Daniels is the better man? At Final Resolution, let’s do this right. Grappling. Wrestling. Where “Wrestling Matters”.
Taz and “The Professor” run down the card for Final Resolution. How many of you were clamoring for another Robbie E/Eric Young TV title match? None of you? Well, they’re doing it again at the PPV anyway.
MATCH 5: Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles vs. Jeff Jarrett and World Champion Bobby Roode (w/Karen Jarrett)
I thought Hardy’s shirt said “The King of Condoms”. This week, it looks like it says “The King of Condos”, which doesn’t make any sense either. Did Styles get his entrance theme even more genericized yet again? Mike Tenay just called Bobby Roode “tremendous” in the ring. Somewhere, Don Callis is throwing a television set against a wall. Before Jeremy Blowfish can complete his introductions, the faces attack the heels, sending them to the floor with the Final Resolution opponents pairing off against each other. Jarrett slams Hardy into the ring post, then throws Styles into the guardrail. Jarrett throws Styles back in and hits some punches. Crisscross leads to a dropkick by Styles. Jarrett back drops out of a corner charge, but Styles lands on the apron. He goes for the Superman, but Jarrett ducks. Styles lands on his feet again, but apparently tweaks his knee. Hardy tags in, but Jarrett tags out to Roode before they can square off. Commercial.
Jonah Hill is not funny. The sooner you everyone stops trying to convince themselves that he is, the better off we’ll all be.
Back from the break, Hardy hits a spinning headscissors out of the corner, followed by an inverted atomic drop, double legdrop between the legs and a seated dropkick for 2. Styles tags in and he’s hobbling. He lays in some punches, chops and kicks. Roode counters with a kick to the bad knee and tags in Jarrett. Jarrett runs in right into a hiptoss. Styles throws him in the corner, but Jarrett reverses on the second attempt. Styles gets his elbow up off a charge from Jarrett and also clotheslines Roode to the floor. Roode pulls Styles down and begins slamming his knee into the ring apron. Roode tags in and works over the knee some more. Jarrett tags back in and does the same. Roode tags in once again and stomps Styles in the gut. Back rake by Roode. Roode goes back to work on the knee with stomps before digging his thumb into Styles’ eye. Jarrett tags back in, sets the bad leg across the bottom rope and drops across it from the second rope. Jarrett increases his douchebag factor by Tebowing after this, then tries to taunt Hardy. Hardy starts to come in the ring, and Jarrett walks backwards right into a schoolboy by Styles, which only gets 2. Roode tags back and kicks Styles in the face. Low blow behind the referee’s back. Styles manages to kick Roode away and hits the Pele out of a waistlock attempt. Styles crawls for the tag, but Jarrett runs in, knocks Hardy off the apron and pulls Styles back towards the heel corner. Hardy gets back up and sends Jarrett to the floor. They brawl to the back. Leaving only Styles and Roode in the ring. Karen Jarrett claws Hardy from behind, but Hardy fights through it and continues to beat on Jarrett. Back in the ring, Roode locks in a single-leg Boston Crab. Cut to the back, Jarrett’s now dominating Hardy. Cut back to the ring, and Styles gets to the ropes to break the hold. Roode goes for a corner charge, but Styles gets the foot up. Styles hits a clothesline, back elbow, another clothesline and a back body drop. He goes for a DVD, but his knee gives out. Roode counters with a spinebuster. Roode sets up for the Payoff, but Styles counters into a small package to get the 3.
End of show.
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