Welcome to the 12/1/11 edition of Impact Wrestling. Last week’s episode was appalling, so things can only get better from here on out, right? Right? Oh, please tell me they will get better. I don’t ask for much.
This week’s episode starts off with a highlight video of Bobby Roode, including disparaging and totally not scripted statements from his friends and family. This segues to the Impact Zone, as Sting makes his way to the ring. Sting says there’s a lot of inmates trying to run the asylum, and it’s getting out of hand. Some things get so out of kilter that they need to be dealt with. Sting’s the warden here, and he’s going to deal with them, starting with Bobby Roode.
World Champion Bobby Roode makes his way down to the ring. Is it just me, or does that belt look like a plastic toy? Granted, it’s better than Jeff Hardy’s custom pile of crap, but really, what isn’t? Roode says that, in case Sting forgot, he is the World Heavyweight Champion. He’s a little busy and time is money. Sting’s wasting it, so let’s cut to the chase. Sting says Roode is on his watch, and when he put his hands on Dixie Carter, Sting told him things will be run his way, not Roode’s way. Everyone’s been on their best behavior except for Roode. He talks about Roode laying out Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles with the belt last week. Roode says it was a great moment to take both of them out. What an amazing way to go off the air. Roode says Sting called him out here to personally thank him, for being the guy to finally step up and put Impact Wrestling on the map, carrying it on his back to 2012 and beyond. You’re welcome, Sting. Sting says he brought Roode out here not to thank him, but to remind him it’s Sting’s way, not Roode’s way. For every bad thing Roode does, there’s bad consequences, starting right now.
Out in the parking lot, we see all of the knockouts from last weeks standing around in bathrobes. Mrs. Diet Shasta Orange is also out there. She tells the knockouts to quit their whining. If they remember last Thursday, she ordered a “Thanksgiving Thong Throwdown” (even though it was actually “Thunder”, not “Throwdown”), and there were a few of the knockouts who chose to disrespect her wishes. When she was put in the VP of the knockouts position (huh?), she told each one of them what she says goes. They chose to disrespect her, so that’s why they find behind them six of the wrestlers’ cars. They will wash the cars top to bottom, scrub the rims and tires, and when they’re finished, the rest of the cars in the back parking lot. She’s got a few phone calls to make, so when she gets back, they better have their robes off and they better be scrubbing these cars. Madison strips off her bathrobe and says that the true knockout can show them how it’s done. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. She knows she’s set the bar really high, but the rest of them need to take off their robes.
We get a promo for Spike’s annual Video Game Awards starring Bobby Roode, Robbie E and Abyss, and I die just a little bit inside.
Anonymous Interviewer asks Jeff Hardy about his and AJ’s strategy for tonight. Hardy says he’s on good terms with Styles, but Bobby Roode’s on his bad side. Mr. Diet Shasta Orange walks in yelling at Hardy about being back in the company. He doesn’t have amnesia like the rest of the world. How many times is Hardy going to keep coming back and screwing things up? Hardy says this is his last shot. Jarrett sucker punches him and throws him around a bit. Hardy fights back and chases Jarrett off before needlessly stripping his shirt off.
In another area, we see Eric Bischoff alone. Blubber Ray walks in. He wants to know why they’re meeting here. Bischoff says they have no office anymore, and they’ve lost a lot of other things, like leverage. The thing with his kid has gone out of hand, and the idea of his kid becoming a star in his business while he’s still in the business is making him sick. Blubber offers to take care of Garret (See, Eric? I can spell your stupid kid’s name right. Not my fault you misspelled it when you named him, BTW), and Bischoff says he might take Blubber up on that. In the meantime, they have to deal with Abyss. Bischoff says they could not have abused Abyss more than they did, and now that they’ve done so, he’s more dangerous than ever, and they need to get him back on the team. Blubber reminds Bischoff of powerbombing Abyss through a table and Abyss popping right back up, saying no one has ever done that before. How are they supposed to get Abyss back? Bischoff wants Blubber to talk to him. Blubber knows how to get to him. Blubber says he’ll talk to Scott Steiner, and they’ll try to figure something out.
Up next, Ink Inc., the Mexican America and the Pope & Devon will square off in a 3-way to determine new #1 contenders to the tag team titles.
We get more video of Bobby Roode’s angry family. This is a bit much. It was one heel turn, for L. Ron Hubbard’s sake!
Back from the break, we see Madison Rayne ordering all of the knockouts to keep washing the cars in their bikinis. They’re all yelling back at her. Tara steps aside and tells Gail Kim she’s disappointed in her. Kim says if she had the body Tara has at her age, she’d be flaunting it to everbody. She needs to take off her robe and get to washing. Tara says she’s right in that she does have a good body, leading her to take off her robe. Karen Jarrett comes back and tells them all good job. ODB walks in. Apparently, she’s been looking for Karen for a while. Karen has a surprise for ODB, that being a match. It will be a street fight with Mickie James. If ODB hurts James in the match, she becomes the new #1 contender to the Knockouts title. Guess who isn’t winning that match?
MATCH 1-Winners become the new #1 contenders to the World Tag Team Championships: Ink Inc. (Shannon Moore and Jesse Neal, w/Toxxine) vs. Mexican America (Anarquia and Hernandez, w/Rosita and Sarita) vs. Devon and D’Angelo Dinero
Considering both Jesse Neal and Hernandez are leaving the company very soon, I have no hope of either of those teams winning. In all honesty though, I don’t give a damn about anyone in this match besides Hernandez and Pope. Match starts with all six men brawling. Wrestlers get thrown out until only Pope and Devon are left standing. Hernandez and Pope are back in the ring, officially starting things. Pope with an inverted atomic drop and flying shoulder block for 2. Hernandez gets a kick and tags in Neal, who runs right into a powerslam for 2. Anarquia tags in and runs into a hip toss and short-arm clothesline. Pope with some elbows and a punch to the face. Hernandez comes in, but Pope clotheslines him out. Pope gets Anarquia draped on the middle rope and hits a running slide across the back, sending him to the floor. Hernandez hits him with a clothesline and throws him back in, allowing Anarquia to get 2. Hernandez tags in and hits a slingshot shoulder block on Pope for 2. Sheamus does it better. Hernandez locks in a bear hug, but Pope fights out. Pope off the ropes, but he runs right into a Pounce for 2. Anarquia tags back in and hits a kick to the gut, bodyslam and elbow drop for 2. Hernandez back in with a punch to the gut. Hernandez sets up for the Border Toss, but Pope slides out and hits an STO (which Taz intelligently calls a “clothesline with power leg sweep”). Pope tags out to Devon as Anarquia tags in. Punches on Anarquia, followed by a back body drop. He knocks Ink Inc. off the apron before hitting a jumping shoulder block for 2. Hernandez climbs to the top rope, but Devon launches him across the ring before hitting a double clothesline. Neal tags in off Anarquia. Neal goes for the spear on Devon, but Devon sidesteps it, launching Neal into Hernandez. Neal turns around into the standing spinebuster, which is enough to get the 3.
WINNERS AND NEW #1 CONTENDERS: Devon and D’Angelo Dinero. I still find it funny that Toxxine, who is Neal’s real-life fiancé, was signed to the company just as Neal’s contract is expiring with little to no interest from TNA in re-signing him.
Backstage, we see World X-Division Champion Austin Aries making his way into the building. He’s going to be cutting a promo next, apparently. When are they actually going to book the champion of the division to, you know, wrestle and defend the title?
Back from the break, and Austin Aries is making his way to the ring. He grabs a microphone and tells the crowd to keep it down for a second before telling them all to boo really loudly. Aries has a bit of a problem. Since he’s been here, he’s proclaimed he’s the greatest man who ever lived. He’s exceeded his own expectations to a level he didn’t even comprehend. When he came here, he had a plan to revive the X-Division, breathe a little greatness into it, and he did just that. Aries is the X-Division Champion, but what he didn’t expect is his level of greatness to be in another league than the rest of the division. He has single-handedly defeated every division star in Impact Wrestling, and there’s no one left for him to defeat. He thinks it’s time they rename the division the “A-Double Division”. There’s no one here who can compete with him. Jesse Sorensen didn’t stand a chance. Nobody in Impact Wrestling can hold a candle to what A-Double does.
Kid Kash’s music hits and he comes out all angrypants. Aries notices this as well and tells him to relax. Kash couldn’t help overhearing Aries says he’s beaten everyone in the division. Kash calls his victory at Turning Point a screwjob. Kash took out Sorensen and Aries slid in behind like a little dog and pinned Sorensen. Kash asks if he’s talking about last week when Aries walked out on the match. Wasn’t that two or three weeks ago? He asks Aries to make things a little more clear to him. Aries says he’s got him confused with Jesse Sorensen. Aries isn’t a punk kid. He’s been around the world, main evented, and is now a world champion. With all of his accolades, Kash should be a champion of something, so where’s his belts at? Kash says Aries better remember one thing-before Aries came to the company, Kash wore the belt longer than anyone. Aries puts the belt down and tells Kash if he shakes Aries’ hand, he’s got a title match. Kash shakes his hand as they simultaneously sucker punch each other. Aries slides out of the ring and tells Kash now he gets no title shot.
We see a video from earlier today, featuring Gunner walking around a crappy strip mall. He walks into a gym. Apparently, he’s looking for Garret Bischoff.
Back from commercials, Anonymous Interviewer is asking AJ Styles about the 3-way. Styles says the match could get real interesting. He respects the progress Hardy’s made, but he’s here to win the match. As for Roode, he’s at the top of his game, and Styles plans on knocking him off.
Back to Gunner in the gym. Gunner asks everyone where Garret is. Some stick boy gets mad at him, saying he can’t come barging into the gym. Gunner asks where Garret is, and Stick Boy says it’s not his turn to watch Garret. Gunner grabs him by the throat and pushes him backwards over a bench before walking to another part of the gym. He asks some other guy where he is. The guy says Garret will be in later. Gunner slams him into a wall and a sparring bag. Some other guy training in a ring set up gets out to try and stop this, so Gunner knocks him down and throws him into another bag. Another guy in the ring tells Gunner to chill out, so Gunner gets in the ring and beats him up as well. Stick Boy comes back and tells Gunner to get out of here. Gunner knocks him down and chokes him with a jump rope. Some other fatass tries to stop this, so Gunner locks him in an armbar and tells him to tell Garret that Gunner is coming for him.
Backstage, we see Sting talking to Jeff Jarrett. He tells Jarrett if he gets involved in the main event, there will be consequences. Jarrett tells Sting to think about the fact that Sting was in the ring with Jeff Hardy in March when he showed up stoned. He wants Hardy gone for good. Sting asks if Jarrett is the new standard bearer. He’s got a ton of skeletons in his closet. If Jarrett gets involved, there will be consequences, and Jarrett won’t like them. Jarrett says he may be willing to pay the consequences.
More video with Bobby Roode’s family. I’m not recapping this. I won’t do it.
ODB and Mickie James in a street fight next.
These Spike Video Game Awards promos are making me sick.
Back from the break, and we see yet more footage of the knockouts washing cars in their bikinis. Madison Rayne is continuing to order them around.
Cut to a locker room, we see Blubber Ray and Johnny Bravo yelling at each other. Blubber walks in and Scotty yells “It says ‘Pramate’ on the dressing room!” I’m sure he meant “Private”, but then again, this is Scott Steiner, so who the hell knows? Blubber says they have to get Abyss back into Immortal. Steiner asks if Blubber went out with Abyss’ girlfriend. Blubber says no. Steiner says Abyss is a normal, red-blooded American monster (didn’t know those were normal), and what do most men want? Girls. Not only girls, freaks. Blubber mentions a fat one in Jersey before asking Steiner about the one he has. Steiner responds with “Shaboya? Retired.” Again, I think that’s what he said, but who knows? Steiner says he has freaks 9 days out of the week (?). Blubber points out there’s only 7 days in a week. Steiner responds with, “Man, you ain’t big poppa! I’m the big bad booty daddy indada nonstop!” Blubber, understandably so, asks Steiner to speak in English. Steiner says if Abyss’ normal, he’s gonna want these women, and “corn juice girlfriend the way she like, he’s gonna go crazy!” Dammit, I love Scott Steiner. His mastery of the English language is like music to my ears.
MATCH 2-Street Fight: ODB vs. Mickie James
As James makes her way down the ramp, ODB tackles her down and lays in some punches. Just over an hour into the show, and we are finally having a second match. ODB hair mares James down, stomps her and pie faces her. James tries to fight back, but no good. ODB slams James’ head into the ring apron before throwing her in the ring. James fights back with punches and corner kicks. She tries a Thesz Press, but ODB catches her and runs her into the corner. ODB tries for an avalanche, but James sidesteps her. James pulls her to the floor and gets a 2-count. ODB counters a whip and throws James into the stairs. ODB is in her street clothes and James is in her normal wrestling gear. Wrestling logic would normally dictate that ODB will win based on that. Just some info, for those that don’t know their wrestling fan laws. Anyway, ODB begins choking James on the guardrail, but James fights out with some elbows. She goes for the Tunacanrana, but ODB holds on and hits a powerbomb on the floor for 2. ODB drags James into the crowd, but James fights back and whips ODB into a wall made of cardboard that ODB breaks. I’m just calling it like I see it. ODB gets on offense again quickly and cracks James with a trashcan lid, followed by a trashcan shot to the head. ODB mounts James as James is folded over, but only gets a 2-count. They battle with cookie sheets as James is now crying like Kelly Kelly. ODB picks her up by her hair and throws her into a wall. They’re heading back towards the ring, and James comes back with a couple shots with a broomstick. They’re now back in the crowd, and ODB drags James back to the ring by her hair. We’ve got idiot dueling chants going. ODB grabs a chair and throws it into the ring, but James gets a quick roll-up for 2. James with some clotheslines, a kick and a basement dropkick for 2. Why does Mickie James always pump her arms on her kicks? James with another stupid kick to the gut as she sets up for the standing tornado DDT, but ODB reverses into a fall-away slam. ODB grabs the chair and waits for James to get back up. James ducks the swing and Mick Kicks the chair into ODB’s face, which is enough to get the 3.
WINNER: Mickie James. Have I mentioned the Mick Kick is really weak-looking?
We see James Storm getting set up with a microphone pack. He will be talking to Mike Tenay and Taz “live” via “satellite” after the commercials.
Back from the break, Tenay is asking James Storm to update everyone on his condition, since he’s been sidelined for several weeks with a concussion. Storm says it’s a longer process than he thought, but he feels he’s gotten better as time goes on. Taz asks when he’ll return to competition. A specialist told Storm he’s not cleared yet, so he doesn’t know when he’ll be returning. Tenay says Storm knows the first one to want a match once he does get cleared is going to be Kurt Angle. Storm starts to answer, but is cut off when Kurt Angle joins Tenay and Taz at the announce table. He says he has a few questions of his own. How did it feel to James to have his head bashed in, whether or not he’d wrestle again, and how his little daughter felt about everything. Storm says when he gets cleared, Angle will know exactly how it feels. Angle accuses Storm of robbing him of the World title, and next week, why don’t they make a match official for Final Resolution, with or without clearance from the doctors. Storm says he will be there next week, and he’s not scared of Kurt Angle. He’s coming to beat Kurt Angle’s ass.
Backstage, we see two random tramps walking around. One of them says something about “I think it’s that way” and points to her left. Brunette slut says “he” must be past these gates. I’m guessing these are Steiner’s freaks. Blonde slut says, “Girl, do you even know who this guy is?” Brunette slut says all she knows is he’s a wrestler, so what else is there to know? That mean’s he’s rich, he’s hot and he has a cute little butt. TNA+Wrestler=Rich? I wonder what Jesse Neal, who had to apply for food stamps because TNA was paying him so little, would have to say about that. And of course I’m not kidding.
More Bobby Roode family crap. Apparently, the full length video is coming up next. Huzzah.
Back from the break, and it’s Bobby Roode video time. The best part of this is seeing one guy interviewed who is listed as “Roode’s former friend”. This is as soap opera as wrestling gets, folks.
Back in the Impact Zone locker room area, Bobby Roode is talking to Anonymous Interviewer, saying the video didn’t bother him one bit. They’re disappointed in him because he got what he wanted after 13 years by being selfish, and they’re calling him a user. They’re users. Ask them how dinner was tonight because he bought it. Ask them how the new car is driving because he bought it. If he’s a user, they’re users. He’s here to be World Champion and they knew that. Tonight, he’ll prove why he is the champion, and AJ Styles and Jeff Hardy have nothing on Bobby Roode.
MATCH 3-World Television Championship: Rob Van Dam vs. Robbie E (w/Rob Terry)
I’d ask who RVD ever beat to earn a title match, but considering that the TV title is worthless, it doesn’t even matter. Apparently, Rob Terry is officially going by “Robbie T”. I hate them both so much. Robbie pushes RVD, so RVD kicks him. Shoulder blocks in the corner, followed by a roundhouse. RVD gets a high monkey flip out of the opposite corner before clotheslining Robbie to the floor. RVD hits a baseball slide dropkick, sending Robbie into Robbie T. I hope Clarence Mason doesn’t come in and tell Robbie T that Booker T owns the rights to the letter “T” and therefore will take him to court (look it up). T and RVD stare each other down as Robbie E tries to sneak in from behind. RVD sees Robbie coming and catches him with a step-over spinning heel kick and Rolling Thunder. RVD goes up for the Five-Star, but Robbie T tries a distraction, allowing Robbie E to get some stomps in. Robbie hits a back elbow for 2. Standing elbow drop before totally biffing a middle rope elbow for 2. With the way Robbie E is wrestling tonight, you’d think he and David Otunga trained together. Robbie gets some kicks in the corner and a corner whip, but RVD boots out of the charge. Robbie comes back with a knee to the gut, but RVD counters with a spinning dropkick out of the corner. Robbie sends RVD to the floor. Robbie T goes to pick him up, but Eric Young runs out with a fire extinguisher. The referee gets between them as the match continues. RVD gets a kick to the face and goes up for the Five-Star Frog Splash, which connects. Christopher Daniels comes in and hits the Angel’s Wings on RVD before pulling Robbie E over RVD. Referee Earl Hebner slides back into the ring in time to count the 3.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Robbie E.
Backstage, we see the random sluts walking out of the same area they walked into before. Their hair is all messed up and they look sleepy. The blond slut asks, “What. Just. Happened?” Brunette slut just grunts.
Back from the break and we get more footage from “Bikini Carwash”. Winter is actually wearing tights with her bathing suit. It’s a good look. Eventually, Tara and Angelina Love start fighting, which causes everyone else to fight, including a fantastic spot where Miss Tessmacher and Winter hit each other in the butts with sponges. Some of the wrestlers come out to watch. Traci Brooks tries to break it up. Gail Kim sprays everyone with hoses. Was that Orlando Jordan? He still works there?
MATCH 4-3-Way Match: Jeff Hardy vs. AJ Styles vs. World Champion Bobby Roode (non-title)
I just noticed Roode’s music starts with the line, “Off the chain, time to go against the grain”. Better give Dale Oliver a Grammy right now with lyrical genius like that. Tonight’s main event is brought to you by Wrangler Jeans. For a sport that tries to shy away from the stereotype of only being watched by rednecks, maybe being sponsored by a staple of the redneck wardrobe isn’t the best of ideas. Just saying. Roode immediately slides to the floor and tells Styles and Hardy to duke it out. Styles drops to the floor and stalks Roode. Roode turns around to see Hardy doing the same thing. They knock him down with some punches. Roode was “caught between a rock and a hard place, literally”, according to Taz. David Cross is right in that not only are athletes the worst about using the word literally, but they use it in the exact wrong way its intended based on the definition. Back in the ring, Hardy and Styles tee off on Roode, knocking him down. Double clothesline by the faces. Roode misses a double clothesline and runs into a double back body drop, followed by a double clothesline to the floor. Styles goes for a plancha, but Roode sees him coming. Styles puts on the breaks. Roode tries to pull him to the floor, but Hardy leaps over the top rope and sends Roode to the floor. Styles slams Roode into the guardrail as we go to commercial.
Back from the break, Roode gets some stomps on Styles in the corner, but Styles fights out. Roode whips Styles into the ropes, sending a standing-by Hardy to the floor. Roode hits a back suplex for 2 before Hardy breaks it up. Roode with some kicks on Hardy in the corner. Roode turns his attention to Styles and hits a kick. Hardy comes back with corner punches, and Styles then does the same. Roode with an eye rake on Styles, causing him to accidentally collide with Hardy. They exchange words and begin shoving each other. Styles and Hardy go into a tie-up. They crisscross, resulting in Hardy running into a dropkick by Styles for 2. Styles goes for a suplex, but Hardy flips out, hits a reverse enziguri and a side-Russian legsweep for 2. Styles comes back with an enziguri of his own. Roode sneaks in and throws Styles shoulder-first into the ring post. Roode goes for a pin on Hardy, but only gets 2. He gets another 2 off an elbow drop. Hardy fights out of the corner, but Roode cuts him off and hits a running back elbow and jumping knee drop for 2. Styles tries to get back in the ring, but Roode dropkicks him back down. Roode with a foot choke on Hardy near the ropes. Roode and Hardy exchange some punches, but Roode counters with the Double R spinebuster for 2. He probably should rename that move since he’s not going by Robert anymore. Just a thought. Roode sets up for the Payoff, but Styles comes in and hits Roode with the Superman. Styles with some punches and the backflip inverted DDT out of the corner. Still love that move. Styles sets up for the Styles Clash, but Roode back drops out of it. Styles lands on his feet on the apron. He goes for a springboard again, but Roode bounces Hardy off the ropes, sending Styles to the floor. Roode throws Hardy out to the floor on the other side. He goes out to throw Styles back in the ring and hits the Payoff, but Hardy breaks it up. Hardy hits a basement dropkick, clothesline and sit-out gourdbuster. Hardy hits the Twist of Hate and goes up top, but not before needlessly pulling off his shirt. Jeff Jarrett runs down to the ring from the crowd and crotches Hardy behind the ref’s back. Roode goes for the pin. Styles tries to break it up, but is too late, as Roode gets the 3.
End of Show.
As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/xdustineflx, and if you like Married…With Children, you can follow my Al Bundy parody account at http://www.twitter.com/bundyisms. Also follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (feedback is welcome). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:
Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.