Greetings, everyone. I apologize for the lateness on this recap of Impact Wrestling, but yesterday was Thanksgiving. Sorry, but on Thanksgiving, TNA is the least of my interests. Anyway, the 11/24/11 edition starts off with a video package of James Storm hunting down his attacker last week. For those that didn’t read the recap, it was (very predictably) Kurt Angle.
Back “live” in the Impact Zone, Kurt Angle is making his way to the ring. Holy L. Ron Hubbard. Angle appears to weigh about as much as Rey Mysterio now. He says that, as a man’s man, there’s one thing he despises, and that’s when a man accuses him of attacking him from behind. Back in Macon, GA, Angle didn’t attack Storm from behind, and don’t ever accuse a man of attacking you from behind because you’ll wind up with your ass kicked. Next time, Angle might take it personally.
James Storm makes his way to the ring now. Storm asks if Angle took it personally when Storm took his cowboy boot and stuck it up Angle’s ass. Personally is when Angle came into the company, when they travelled to shows together, and when their kids started playing together. This is business. Storm says he’s looking Angle in the eye right now and doesn’t back down from anyone. Angle says Storm screwed him out of the World title. He got his revenge and screwed him out of the title against Roode two weeks ago. Storm says everyone’s tired of listening to people talk, so what he wants Angle to do is not take this ass-whipping personally; it’s just going to be business. Angle says he’s a gentleman and didn’t come here to fight, but he knows some guys who do. Christopher Daniels, Jeff Jarrett and Bully Ray make their way down to the ring. All climb in and the four of them surround Storm. Angle continues to egg Storm on as they surround him. Storm says his daughter has a message for Angle. Storm sucker punches Angle then immediately slides out of the ring to grab a chair. A.J. Styles, Rob Van Dam and Mr. Anderson all come out to make the sides even. Apparently, these eight guys are doing a main event elimination match tonight. The brawl continues until all of the heels decide to back off and head to the locker room.
Back from the commercials, we see Eric Young in a parking lot riding a bicycle built for two with referee Rudy Charles. Before they head into the building, Rudy opens an Igloo cooler that was strapped to the front of the bike, and he pulls out a turkey costume.
We see clips from last week when Crimson and Matt Morgan won the World Tag Team titles.
MATCH 1-World Tag Team Championship: Anarquia and Hernandez (w/Rosita and Sarita) vs. Champions Crimson and Matt Morgan
From what I understand, there’s some truth to this angle. It appears that Hernandez’s contract is up soon, and there’s little to no interest in re-signing him. Because, you know, TNA can’t have a talented homegrown wrestler on their roster. Morgan and Anarquia start off, with Anarquia taking several clotheslines. Crimson tags in, hits snake eyes and a big clothesline. Crimson hits Sean O’Haire’s old Widowmaker move before tagging Morgan back in. Morgan picks Anarquia up and hits a standing over-the-shoulder powerslam. Morgan boots Hernandez off the apron, tags back in Crimson, and they hit a double shoulder block. They then hit a double chokeslam, and Crimson picks up the pin.
WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: Crimson and Matt Morgan. So long, Hernandez. As for Anarquia, he should have never been here in the first place. Hopefully, he goes soon, too.
Eric Young and Rudy Charles walk by Robbie E and Rob Terry. Young wants Robbie E one-on-one tonight. Robbie says Young will never get a TV title match again. Young says he talked to Sting, and they’ve got a “kung fu challenge” or some stupid crap tonight. If Robbie E loses, he has to wear the turkey costume. They ramble on for seemingly 15 more minutes. Young says that Sting told him that if Robbie E doesn’t do this match tonight, Sting is stripping him of the TV title. The words “bro” and “dude” were used about 400 times in this brief segment.
Cue to Karen Jarrett and Traci Brooks walking around backstage together. We get a promo from Karen after the commercials. Oh, goody.
The Jarrett Horse Ranch makes its way to the ring. This is just going to make for some phenomenal television. Karen calls out practically the entire knockouts roster to get their “booties” down to the ring right now. Tara, Miss Tessmacher, Velvet Sky, Winter and Angelina Love all make their way down. The knockouts division has its own entrance them now, BTW. Karen tells Velvet Sky they have a dilemma around here. After all of her efforts to clean up the division and get them all to cover up, which she has failed miserably at, these nasty, disgusting, horny, perverted freaks want to see more skin. While she knows there are a few of them around here with no problem with this since they flaunt themselves around all day long, there are some who think they are real athletes and wrestlers. There’s only one real athlete around here, and that’s Gail Kim. In cutting to the chase, tonight, we are going to have the first ever “lingerie ball”, soon to become a Thanksgiving Day tradition. The girls are going to the back, get their skimpiest lingerie and bring them back here. There’s one true champion in the ring, and that’s Gail Kim. That’s why she sits on her perch and looks down at all of them. Not nice calling her a gargoyle. When Velvet becomes one with the pole she’s used to and getting dollars shoved in her butt by horny perverts, that’s what she’s going to do in this ring tonight, and if the women don’t want to do it, they can leave, as there’s hundreds of women out there who would take their spots.
We see the wrestlers for the main event tonight, apparently, instead of Kurt Angle and James Storm in the main event, it will be Jeff Hardy and Bobby Roode. This begs the question of why Mike Tenay was telling us that Storm and Angle were in the match, as well as why Roode and Hardy didn’t come down to the ring during the brawl? #TNASense
Back from the commercial with more promo action. This time, Christy Hemme is interviewing Tara, Tessy and Velvet in their locker room. Christy asks Tara how she’s feeling. Tara’s sick of it. She thought she left all this crap behind. They are here to be the best wrestlers here, and she’s not happy. Tessy says it’s a joke. She’s here to whoop ass. Velvet says it’s especially insulting to her, as she was Knockouts Champion just a couple weeks ago. She’s sick to death of Karen Jarrett, but she’s keeping her cool here, and they are still going to go out and have the best match they can.
Gail Kim is in her locker room, talking about how great Karen Jarrett is. Mickie James walks in with a serious gut and says they need to talk. She gets in Madison Rayne’s face before they go in the back room. Mickie says what Gail is doing is crap, and she can’t believe she’s doing this after all these years. Gail says Mickie can give her notice to Karen if she’s not happy. Mickie calls Gail a hypocrite. They then start to brawl before Madison gets involved. Gail slams Mickie into the lockers, then punches her down on the floor. The camera man gets knocked down for absolutely no reason as well.
MATCH 2-“Thanksgiving Thong Thunder”: Angelina Love, Winter and Knockouts Tag Team Co-Champion Madison Rayne vs. Miss Tessmacher, Tara and Velvet Sky
Winter’s looking a little chunky here as well. More than usual, anyway. Meanwhile, Angelina Love’s “lingerie”, meanwhile, my soul mate Maddy is actually wearing more clothing here than she normall does. As for the rest, much like Angelina, it’s no less than what they normally wear, rendering the gimmick of this match completely pointless. According to Taz, this is too degrading for Velvet to do. Never mind the fact that she used to do it as a member of the Beautiful People all the time. Tessy tries to throw her shirt on the camera lens and misses, so the cameraman picks it up and puts it on the lense. For what reason? The women spend a few minutes trying to one-up each other instead of wrestling, which is supposed to be the point, according to the faces. The match finally starts with Winter and Tara after an attack from behind by the heels. Winter with some stomps. Winter with a corner whip, clothesline and 2-count as we go to commercial again.
Back from commercials, and Tara is back in control with a clothesline off the ropes. Another botched clothesline and a bodyslam before the standing moonsault for 2. Tessy tags in. Tara hits a corner clothesline before Tessy does the hip bump and stinkface. Taz calls this the “butterface”. Tessy with a pair of arm drags and a horrible dropkick. Rayne tags in and slams Tessy in the corner before choking her with her foot. Rayne misses a corner charge, but reverses a corner whip. Rayne runs into a boot out of the corner, but blocks the second attempt and whips Tessy to the mat before choking her over the bottom rope. Winter tags back in and hits a forearm in the corner before dropping Tessy with a backbreaker for 2. Love tags in for the first time and has Winter whip her into the corner with a clothesline for 2. Love drops an elbow, then chokes Tessy out. Love goes for a fisherman’s suplex, but Tessy reverses into a small package for 2. Love drives her knee into Tessy’s back a few times, then kicks her in the butt. Tessy ducks a clothesline off the ropes, and they simultaneously whip each other down by the hair. Rayne and Sky tag in. Sky with a few clotheslines and a running bulldog. She goes for the double-arm facebuster (Tenay calls this a DDT. Way to go, Professor) but the other four ladies get in the ring and start brawling. The faces clothesline the heels down. Everyone falls out to ringside, save for Rayne and Velvet. Referee Earl Hebner goes outside to try to get some order as Rayne botches the Rayne Drop on Sky. Rayne goes to hit Sky with the title belt behind Hebner’s back, but Mickie James runs down and gets the belt away from her. Rayne turns around into the sit-out double-arm facebuster by Sky, which then gets the 3.
WINNERS: Miss Tessmacher, Velvet Sky and Tara. I’m sure you can just imagin how phenomenal this match was.
We see Jeff Hardy wandering around in the back, wearing a mask for some stupid reason.
Back from the break, we see Karen Jarrett laying into all six women from the previous match. She gets mad because when she told them to cover up, they showed more skin, and when she told them to show more skin, they covered up. Well, you know what? All you bitches? Game on. Next week, Karen will be providing the outfits they wear next week. Karen tells Velvet she’s going to take away every ounce of dignity she has. I would ask who thought it was a good idea to give Karen Jarrett so much camera/mic time, but I already know it’s Eric Bischoff’s fault since he not only admitted to it, but said how great of an idea it was because she’s such a compelling character.
Jeff Hardy comes out wearing his mask that looks like something out of “The Road Warrior”…if “The Road Warrior” totally sucked and was loaded with more drugs than a pharmacy. Hardy pulls the mask off…to reveal it’s actually Jeff Jarrett. He, talking as Hardy, refers to himself as the “Charismatic Enema”. He calls himself so full of crap that he needs an enema shoved up his butt just to flush himself out. Why do people love him? Hell, he doesn’t know. Maybe it’s because he wears makeup like a circus clown. Or maybe because he cuts dynamic promos week after week. Or maybe because he takes asinine chances in every match. Why does he do it? For you morons…er, fans. Maybe you love him because you all can relate to him. You can relate to him because he’s a lowlife, a degenerate, pathetic, worthless, has no business being in this company, but that’s why you love him. He wants everyone to grow up and applaud him, because maybe one day you kids can grow up and embarrass and humiliate the company you work for. Sadly, this is the best promo of Jarrett’s career. Mainly because he’s right.
Hardy’s music hits again, and he runs to the ring. He slams Jarrett into the steps, then throws him back in the ring and continues to punch Jarrett. Blubber Ray and Christopher Daniels come out to triple team Hardy. Since when is Daniels in Immortal? RVD, A.J. Styles, Mr. Anderson and World Champion Bobby Roode all come down at some point and join in on the brawl. TNA security comes in to try to break things up, but when have they ever accomplished that? Jarrett gets Hardy outside and throws him into the steps a couple times. Meanwhile, in the ring, the heels have all the faces down on the mat.
Back from the commercial, we see exactly what just happened before the break. I suppose with less than 45 minutes left in the show, they need to get more replays in to fill some more time. I realize this is a throw-away show, what with it being a Thanksgiving episode and all, but you could at least try to make the show seem worthwhile.
Just when I start complaining about video packages, we get yet another one, this time of the feud between Eric Young and Robbie E, leading up to their match later tonight. TNA actually tries to make this seem important by starting the video with the message “’It’ Only Happens Once A Year…” and a few other messages. Apparently, this is an annual tradition, and we see video from previous installments. Yes, it’s such an important event that I completely blocked it from my mind.
MATCH 3-Loser Wears a Turkey Suit: World Television Champion Robbie E (w/Rob Terry) vs. Eric Young
Robbie E is trying so hard to be Zack Ryder, it’s pathetic. Before the match, Young gets a microphone, and introduces Rudy Charles. Rudy comes out with entrance music. Yes, really. He’s carrying the turkey suit. Oh, and to those who complain about all the Twitter references on WWE lately, I hate to break it to you, but it’s no better on this show. TNA actually shows the questions they are asking, then shows the inane answers their fans give. The question for this segment is “What are you thankful for in TNA Wrestling?” I couldn’t make this up if I tried. Anyway, Robbie tries to attack Young from behind at ringside, but Young hits him with the turkey suit, shoving the head in Robbie’s mouth. Robbie comes back with a shot from behind. As the match starts, Robbie begins dropping elbows on the turkey suit, as well as punching it. Robbie with a kick to the gut and a modified side-Russian legsweep. Robbie hits a fist drop from the middle rope for 2. Rudy Charles makes the count with the turkey suit on his hand. Jesus. Young comes back with punches and a flying forearm off a crisscross. Young with a clothesline. He elbows out of a corner charge and hits a belly-to-belly suplex for 2. Taz refers to this as “Shades of Magnum T.A., but different.” Somewhere, Terry Allen is putting his head through a wall. Rob Terry hands Robbie something that looked like a used roll of receipt tape behind Rudy Charles’ back, who is doing a chicken dance for the crowd. God, I hate TNA so much for this. Robbie clocks Young, and Charles turns around to count the 3.
WINNER: Robbie E. As Robbie’s celebrating, Rudy Charles lifts his arm to proclaim him the winner. The same arm that Robbie was hiding the foreign object under. Ha! That’s comedy gold right there. Just brilliant. Charles says he is restarting this match. Nooooo! Almost immediately hits the piledriver and gets the 3.
NEW WINNER: Eric Young. Young gets a mic and says Thanksgiving is a time to give, and he loves to give. The bad news is, Robbie won’t be able to wear the suit, as he’s knocked out. The good news is, with the crowd’s help, he’s going to find a replacement. Shock of shocks, he says Rob Terry needs to do it after they use the turkey suit like a metal detector. If you’ve been following this company for more than a couple months, you know I’m not making any of this up. Rudy Charles tells Rob Terry that, if he doesn’t put on the suit, Robbie E will be stripped of the TV title. Rob Terry puts on the suit.
We see the two teams for the main event making their way to the ring.
Backstage, we see Eric Young and Rudy Charles, who is wearing Young’s old TNA World title belt. Charles is on a bike, and he’s riding around Young in circles. Eventually, Charles runs into a tractor trailer.
MATCH 4-8-Man Elimination Match: Jeff Hardy, Mr. Anderson, A.J. Styles and Rob Van Dam (w/James Storm) vs. Bully Ray, Daniels, Jeff Jarrett and World Champion Bobby Roode (w/Karen Jarrett)
As the faces make their way down, Jeff Hardy is absent. Tenay tells us he won’t be able to compete here tonight. At least Storm isn’t competing here like they led us to believe at the beginning of the show. So, now this is a handicap match, I guess. Bobby Roode comes out, but instead of going to the ring, decides to go do color commentary instead. Back in the ring, Styles and Daniels are starting off. Tie-up, and Daniels backs Styles into the corner. Daniels with some shoulders and a palm thrust to the face. Styles comes back with punches and stomps. Styles with a snapmare and a kick between the shoulders before hitting the jumping knee drop. Daniels knees Styles and tags in Jarrett. Styles gets Jarrett in an arm wringer and tags in Anderson. Jarrett with sissy punches before running into a pair of hip tosses by Anderson. Anderson hits an elbow drop and gets 2. Ray tags in and suplexes Anderson for 2. Daniels tags in and hits a jumping side kick off the ropes for 2. Anderson and Daniels trade punches. Anderson hits the rolling fireman’s carry for 2. RVD tags in and lays in some punches and a spinning heel kick for 2. Daniels backs RVD into his corner and tags in Jarrett. Jarrett with a corner whip. Ray tags in and hits a bodyslam, followed by a running splash for 2. Daniels tags in and hits some stomps. Jarrett tags in and hits a suplex. Ray tags in and throws RVD into the corner. Daniels tags in and whips RVD into the corner, but runs into a boot. Anderson and Ray tag in. Ray eats a clothesline, a back elbow and a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Anderson picks Ray up on his shoulders, but Ray slides out and hits a uranage. Roode runs down to the ring, immediately tags himself in and gets the pin.
Mr. Anderson is eliminated.
Styles comes in with punches on Roode. Styles with a back body drop, corner punches, a corner whip and corner splash. Styles comes off the ropes with a clothesline. Roode low blows Styles right in front of the referee, getting himself disqualified.
Bobby Roode is eliminated.
Jarrett comes in and stomps Styles. Roode leaves the ring smiling. Jarrett hits a corner back elbow and tags in Daniels as we go to commercial.
Back from the break, Daniels gets a 2 on Styles. Jarrett tags in and kicks Styles before tagging Ray in. They hit a double delayed vertical suplex on Styles. Ray with an open-hand chop in the corner. Styles fights back to his feet with some punches, but gets thrown face-first to the mat as he tries to make a tag. Ray hits a boot to the face and tags in Daniels. Daniels sets up the Angel’s Wings, but Styles reverses into a hurricanrana and hits the Pele. RVD tags in and drops Daniels with a clothesline and a thrust kick. Roundhouse for Jarrett and a clothesline for Ray. RVD hits a jumping side kick and Rolling Thunder before going up top. Angle comes out and shoves RVD down behind the ref’s back. He and Storm begin to brawl as Daniels pins RVD.
Rob Van Dam is eliminated.
Daniels is bleeding from the mouth as Styles comes in. For those keeping score, it’s 3-on-1 right now. Daniels hits a clothesline on Styles. He throws Styles into Ray’s boot before Ray tags in. Styles fights back with punches, but runs into a back body drop. Daniels tags in and hits a standing uranage. He goes up for the BME, but Styles gets his feet up into Daniels’ face. Jarrett tags in. As he and Ray try to clothesline Styles from front and back, Styles ducks and they hit each other. Jeff Hardy’s music hits, and he comes out, putting on his belt in the process. Apparently, he couldn’t take the time to get completely ready before he came out. Hardy tags in and almost immediately hits a Twist of Fate on Daniels to get the 3.
Christopher Daniels is eliminated.
Jarrett comes in. Hardy tries for the Twist of Fate again, but Jarrett blocks it. Hardy rotates him around again and gets a small package for the 3.
Ray comes in and boots Hardy in the face. Jarrett’s still in the ring. Hardy comes back with a double clothesline. Styles gets a blind tag in and hits the Superman on Bully Ray to get the final 3.
WINNERS: Jeff Hardy, Mr. Anderson, A.J. Styles and Rob Van Dam, with Hardy and Styles being the survivors. As Hardy and Styles are celebrating, Bobby Roode makes his way back to the ring and clocks both of them with the title belt. Roode stands over Styles and holds the belt over his head before getting down and screaming in Styles’ face. Once again, the generic ominous music plays.
End of show.
I realize that Thanksgiving shows for a wrestling promotion are never that good since most people aren’t watching wrestling on that day, but come on. The main event had potential, but despite getting nearly 20 minutes, felt incredibly rushed.
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Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.