Welcome to the 11/17/11 edition of TNA Impact Wrestling. This is the post-Turning Point show, where Roode successfully retained his World title against A.J. Styles in a match that had less than 2 minutes of build time. THAT’S how you book a main event, ladies and gentleman. Show starts off with a highlight video from Turning Point, leading right into the Impact Zone as Bobby Roode makes his way to the ring.
Roode says it’s embarrassing for him, YOUR World Heavyweight Champion, that he was a part of Fortune. He was the star of Fortune. He was always the leader of Fortune. He was always the future of this wrestling company, and it’s his fault. He let Fortune ride his coattails and support their families off his talent. They knew there would be a time when he’d go out on his own and scrape them off the bottom of his shoe like the pieces of crap they are. He knows they’re listening in the back. It’s time for them to become men and grow a set. Bobby Roode is never going to let them stand in his shadow again.
James Storm’s music hits and he makes his way to the ring. Instead of his cowboy gear, he’s dressed like he just came from the Blue Oyster bar. Storm says he’s going to finish his beer, walk down to the ring and kick Roode’s ass all over this arena. He counts to three, then makes his way down to the ring. Roode orders security to stop Storm from entering the ring. He says he wasn’t the one who jumped Storm last week. When he won the belt, it was a clean-cut victory. He wouldn’t have to stoop so low to jump Storm from behind to beat his ass again. Roode says there’s an entire locker room that can vouch for Roode’s whereabouts during that attack, as he was getting ready for the match. Storm says he’s going to find whoever did this, and Roode is still guilty by association, so he’s going to kick Roode’s ass for the hell of it. He tries to enter the ring, but security is holding him off. They begin dragging him away from the ring as A.J. Styles enters the ring from behind and lays some punches into Roode before tackling him to the mat. Some other security guards come in and pull Styles off Roode and separate them. Styles breaks free and lays in some more punches, but security pulls him off once again. They both break free, where Styles tackles Roode once more. Security intervenes again as we go to commercial.
As Mike Tenay is talking about the 10-knockout gauntlet match to determine a new #1 contender to the title tonight, Taz says there’s something going on at ringside. The camera cuts over, and we see Roode yelling at Dixie Carter, who is in the front row. He asks if she’s mad because he’s her champion. Styles runs back down, so Roode puts Carter between the two of them. Styles pulls her away, which allows Roode to clock Styles in the back with the belt, sending both him and Carter to the floor. Security tries to step in, but Roode decks them before hitting Styles with mounted punches as he’s still laying on top of Carter. Finally, wrestlers come in and break it up.
Backstage, James Storm is walking around. Samoa Joe confronts him. Joe says last week wasn’t Roode. Roode was in the locker room the entire time. He didn’t make the hit. Storm asks Joe if he had something to do with it. Joe says if he had something to do with this, Storm wouldn’t have gotten up again. He pushes Storm in the head, leading to a brawl between the two. Kazarian, Devon and Eric Young step in and separate the two of them as we go to commercial.
Back from the break, Sting pushes Bobby Roode into a wall. Sting says putting his hands on Dixie Carter is the same as putting his hands on Sting. We’re going to do things Sting’s way. Roode says if Sting puts his hands on him again, his lawyers will sue Sting for everything he’s got.
MATCH 1-World Television Championship: Devon (w/D’Angelo Dinero) vs. Robbie E (w/Rob Terry)
Who did Devon ever beat to earn a singles title match of any kind? Nothing against Devon, but when was the last time he even had a singles match? The BFG series? Not that it really matters, since this title is completely worthless. Devon starts out with punches and a flapjack off the ropes. Clothesline to follow up, and now Devon’s hitting corner punches. Devon with a corner whip and an avalanche, followed by a shoulder block off the ropes. Devon hits a sidewalk slam as Rob Terry jumps on the apron. The distraction doesn’t work, as Devon hits some punches. Robbie gets a thumb to the eye, but is thrown to the floor on the charge. Pope and Robbie exchange words. Devon gets Robbie back into the ring as Terry hits Pope from behind. Devon hits a neckbreaker on Robbie as Eric Young hits Terry with a chair. Devon hits a uranage, but then becomes distracted as his sons are checking on Pope. Robbie sneaks in a quick school boy and gets the 3.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Robbie E. Eric Young chases Robbie E off with the chair. Devon tries to get his sons away from Pope, but they shove him off and continue checking on Pope.
Backstage, Sting asks Garrett Bischoff how he pulled off that “match” last week. He says he’s not as green as everyone thought he was. Garrett asks Sting to let him go out this week and finish what he started. Sting says he won’t make a snap decision this time, and he needs to think about it. All of a sudden Matt Morgan and Crimson walk into the scene and are complimenting each other on how much damage they did to one another on Sunday. Sting asks them where Team 3-D and the Motor City Machine Guns are. They’ve both split, leaving no good tag teams left in the company. Morgan wants to know what Sting’s talking about. Sting’s talking about the tag team division and the titles. He’s making a match between Mexican America and Morgan/Crimson tonight. He says sometimes, they need to put things aside. Mexican America told Sting that they want out of the company because there’s no competition. Crimson says he’s in, as does Matt Morgan.
Back from commercial once again, Sting walks in on Ric Flair and Eric Bischoff in their dressing room. Holy hell, Flair is going bald. Sting says he and Bischoff had a deal last week. He’s re-written the contract. Bischoff says he’s a man of his word, but that’s as far as it goes because he’s not signing the contract. Sting says that he knows Bischoff, and maybe he can’t do anything legally in regards to the contract, there’s a lot of things he can do, like drop Bischoff on the back of his head on the cement, but he’s got a much better idea. He says Garrett wants a rematch with Gunner, and he’s going to get it tonight. Garrett’s going to go through Immortal until he gets to Eric. He says Garrett can wrestle, and Garrett will become a much bigger star than Eric will ever be. Sting says Eric and Ric can be in Gunner’s corner tonight, because Sting will be in Garrett’s corner. Oh, and he’s been saying “Ta-ta for now” approximately 812 times tonight. Guess that’s his catchphrase for the evening. It’s just brilliant.
MATCH 2: World X-Division Champion Austin Aries and Kid Kash vs. Brian Kendrick and Jesse Sorensen
Aries is wearing a sparkly cape for some reason. Ever week, I swear Sorenesen comes out in a different letterman’s-style jacket. How many schools did he go to? We see a close-up of his chest, because he was apparently chopped to sh*t by Kash and Aries at the PPV on Sunday night. Looking at the nasty bruise from the broken blood vessels under the skin, I believe it. Kash and Sorensen start, with Sorensen laying in some punches and chops. Sorensen hits a pair of high knees. Kash lifts Sorensen up for a flapjack, but Sorensen reverses into a rocker dropper. Sorensen goes up top and hits a cross body for 2. Sorensen tags in Kendrick. Sorensen hits a drop toe hold. Kendrick goes for a camel clutch, allowing Sorensen to hit a basement dropkick. Kendrick gets two. He goes to whip Kash into the corner, but Kash reverses. Kendrick backflips off the ropes and hits a dropkick. He follows ut up with a flying forearm, but misses a double axe handle off the middle rope. Kash goes to tag in Aries, but Aries refuses. Kendrick sneaks in a quick roll-up for 2, and follows up with a jumping side kick, sending Kash to the floor. Kendrick hits a plancha on Kash at ringside. Aries tries to get in Sorensen’s face, causing the ref to step in. Behind the ref’s back, Aries hits a suicide dive on Kendrick. He throws Kendrick back in, pulls Kash into the ring, then tags himself in. He gets a 2-count on Kendrick. Aries goes for the swinging elbow drop, but Kendrick comes back with some kicks. He misses an enziguri, allowing Aries to throw him shoulder-first into the corner. Aries tags in Kash, demanding he get in the ring. Sorensen tags in, hits a pair of clotheslines and a dropkick. Kash flips out of a backslide, but Sorensen reverses into a northern lights suplex. Sorensen whips Kash into the ropes, but runs into a forearm. Kash tags Aries in by slapping him in the face. Aries immediately tags out by slapping Kash on the back. Aries jumps to the floor and heads to the back, telling Kash, “You wanna be a dick? Go be a dick in there.” Kash hotshots Sorensen as he turns around. Kash goes up top for a moonsault, but Sorensen rolls out of the way. Sorensen hits the reverse Spin Doctor (easiest way to call it until he names it), which then gets the 3.
WINNERS: Brian Kendrick and Jesse Sorensen. Good match, and more evidence as to why Austin Aries should be carrying this company. Hopefully (key word), he will be doing so within a year.
Backstage, the Jarrett Horse Ranch is in their locker room as Traci Brooks is pulling a poster of Karen off the wall. Karen says she’s glad Traci finally covered herself up. She turns around to reveal that her massive cleavage is still poking out. Karen says she gives up before telling Gail Kim she’s proud of Kim for what she did at the PPV, giving her the night off. She tells Madison Rayne to go get ready, then orders Traci to get them champagne (for those that speak Brannigan’s Law, it’s “champagan”). Traci gives them each a glass before we go to commercial. Sweet L. Ron Hubbard, Traci looked terrible here. You know things are bad when Karen Jarrett looks better than you by comparison.
Back from the break, we see Mr. Anderson-in his custom, not-at-all-douchebaggy “Mr. Anderson” Green Bay Packers jersey-playing some football video game on X-Box 360. Don’t tell me what game it was, because I don’t care. James Storm walks in and says he’s not here to play video games; he’s here to find the sonofabitch who jumped him and gave him a concussion. Since Mr. Anderson’s an assh*le and assh*les are behind and they stink, fingers kind of led him…Anderson cuts him off and tells him to calm down. Anderson spits out the a-word a few times (I hate him so much). He says he would never attack Storm from behind. If he was going to attack him, it would be to his face. He asks Storm if he wants to play the video game. Storm says sure, then yanks the power cord out of the wall.
MATCH 3-10-Knockouts Gauntlet Match to determine a new #1 contender: Rosita vs. Velvet Sky vs.
Rosita and Sky are the first two in the gauntlet. This should be a workrate dream. Damn, is Rosita short. Rosita gets in Sky’s face before the bell. Sky immediately kicks her in the stomach and hits the lifting double-arm facebuster and scores the 3. Workrate dream, I tells ya.
Rosita is eliminated.
Miss Tessmacher is out next. She hits Sky with a clothesline and the worst dropkick this side of Erik Watts. Taz can’t decide if she’s still called “Miss Tessmacher” or “Brooke Tessmacher”. Who cares? Tessy hits some chops on Sky in the corner. She shakes her butt, then kicks Sky in the stomach a couple times. She shakes her but t again, then hits the hip bump and stinkface. She pulls her shirt off as Sky bulldogs her from behind and gets the 3.
Miss Tessmacher is eliminated.
Angelina Love is out next. Sky botches some stomps as Love gets in the ring. Love comes back with a kick, a clothesline, a flying forearm and a weak front powerslam for 2. Love runs into some boots on a corner charge. Sky hits a pair of chops, hits two facebreakers which look just horrendous, then hits a clothesline to knock Love down. Sky goes for the double-arm again, but Love reverses into a schoolgirl and gets the 3 with a handful of tights.
Velvet Sky has been eliminated.
Mickie James is out next, dressed like a rodeo clown. Love charges at her on the ramp, ducks a clothesline, then hits her with the Botox Injection as we go to commercial.
Back from the break, both ladies are back in the ring. James gets some gut punches in, but Love hits her with a forearm to the head. Love with a corner whip and a sidewalk slam for 2. She needs to eat a sandwich or 20. James reverses an Irish whip attempt into some stupid-looking takedown. She follows up with a clothesline, an elbow to the face and a kick. She goes for the DDT, but Love reverses. James hits the Mick Kick and gets the 3.
Angelina Love is eliminated.
Sarita out next, and she looks like hell. She goes for a clothesline, but James reverses into a roll-up, Sarita pushes out and hits a dropkick. Sarita locks in some kind of standing bow-and-arrow into an airplane spin, but James reverses into a roll-up for 2. Sarita comes back with her own roll-up for another 2. They trade some punches, with Sarita getting the best of it. She hits a knife-edge chop and a gut shot, but totally botches a springboard cross body attempt. Mickie ducks and, not to be out-botched, botches the hell out of the standing tornado DDT, getting the 3.
Sarita is eliminated.
Tara’s up next, and she very slowly runs to the ring. Tara botches a waistlock takedown and goes into a bridged chinlock. James reverses into her own. Tara breaks free and gets a kick to the gut. She goes for the Widow’s Peak, but James slides out into a sunset flip attempt. Tara blocks it and locks in leg grapevine. James makes it to the ropes, breaking the hold. Tara whips her off the ropes and hits a standing moonsault for 2. Tara throws James into the corner for the tree of woe, and follows up with a couple of shoulders to the gut. Tara charges in, but James rolls herself to the top rope, sending Tara into the corner. James jumps down, botches another standing tornado DDT and gets the 3.
Tara is eliminated.
Winter is up next. Remember her? She immediately backs James into the corner and hits a northern lights suplex for two. She goes for another pinfall attempt, then lays in some mounted punches. James fights back to her feet with some forearms. She bounces off the ropes, but runs into a backbreaker, which Winter then turns into a submission. James knees her way out of this one, but Winter throws her into the ropes. She gets her up in a fireman’s carry, but James elbows out and hits the Mick Kick for the 3.
Winter is eliminated.
ODB is out next. She runs James over with a forearm. I swear her boobs are even bigger than ever. Is that even possible? ODB hits a fall-away slam, then an avalanche in the corner. She follows up with a bronco buster, then drags James into the middle of the ring for 2. ODB puts James up on the top rope, but James punches her off and hits the top rope Thesz Press for the 3.
ODB is eliminated.
Madison Rayne is out last, but before ODB leaves the ring, she hits James with a TKO. Rayne takes her sweet-ass time making her way to the ring, waving to the crowd. You know, everyone gives WWE crap for their women’s roster being full of anorexic stick figures. How is TNA any different? Have you looked at their knockouts roster lately? Anyway, Maddy finally gets in the ring and picks up her oat bag, I mean Mickie James, but James immediately gets in a roll-up and scores the 3.
WINNER AND NEW #1 CONTENDER: Mickie James. After the match, James does her best to fake cry, but I’m not buying it.
Backstage, we see Bully Ray and some orange-haired woman. Ray tells her he doesn’t want to go out with her, because no one as good-looking as him would never go for someone like her. James Storm walks in as Vitamin C leaves the room. He tells Ray to stop bullying women and bully a man. All signs point to him being the attacker last week. Ray says he’d love to drill Storm in the back of the head, but he’s got his hands full with Abyss. Storm never got up from a table bomb like Abyss did at Turning Point. He knows who bloodied Storm up last week, and he’s here tonight. Storm says if he comes back, he’s not asking any questions. Ray suggests Storm join Immortal, and they’ll take TNA back over. Storm says the chances of that are as good as the chances of Ray getting laid.
We see Meth Hardy walking around backstage. He looks like he’s already fallen back off the wagon.
Back from the break, Garrett Bischoff is telling Anonymous Interviewer that tonight, he’s going to go face Gunner and finish him off the right way. Anonymous asks Garrett if he thinks Gunner’s underestimating him. Garrett says he did last time, and he hopes he does again this time.
Back in the Impact Zone. Meth makes his way to the ring, looking like he just stepped out of an 80’s new wave music video. We see stills of him beating Mr. Diet Shasta Orange three times in a row last Sunday at Turning Point. Hardy calls the crowd “creatures”. It’s great to be back here on Impact!, and he thanks the fans for being there for him. Going forward, he’ll always be here for them. Especially if some of them provide him with some 8-balls. That said, he thinks it’s time to set his sights on the World title. Karen Jarrett’s music hits.
Mrs. Diet Shasta Orange makes her way to the ring. She says she was in the back, and she heard him out here, and all could she think was someone with some balls needs to come out here and put him in his place. We all know she has the biggest set here. So…she’s admitting she’s a tranny? Huzzah! Karen asks Hardy if he thinks he’s a man, he thinks he’s going to walk in here with his puppy dog eyes and beg for forgiveness. Is that what he thinks a man is? LOOKATMEWHENI’MTALKINGTOYOU! One more thing perfectly clear (?): she’s not here to fight Jeff’s battles. He’s the one who wears the pants in their family. Does Hardy think being a man means showing up at Turning Point and using his “tactics” (?) to win the match? Hardy needs to be a man. LOOKATME! Her husband, the one man in this business that had a big enough set to start a company to give guys like Hardy another place to go. Ungrateful, disrespectal, disrespectful re-wrestlers, that’s what you are (her words). Did Hardy forget that his wife Beth and her are friends? Karen played a game and pretended they were friends. Beth couldn’t wait for a friend to come in so she could open up. Apparently, Beth told Karen Jeff couldn’t “complete the deal” and “step up to the plate”. Jeff Hardy isn’t a real man, so he should just drop his microphone and hit her. Show everyone what a man he’s not. He sure as hell didn’t beat her man fairly. Hardy says he’s more than human, and Karen & Jeff Jarrett are just a couple of bitches. Karen goes to slap Hardy, but he grabs her arm and says, “We are the creatures of the night!” I thought those were Undertaker fans? Jeff Jarrett climbs into the ring and tries to clock Hardy from behind, but Hardy turns around before he can. Karen tries to low-blow Hardy, but he blocks her hand. Double J starts laying in some sissy punches. Hardy reverses a whip and hits a forearm. He goes for a clothesline, but Jarrett slides to the floor. Karen soon follows suit.
I know I’m not supposed to curse on here unless I’m quoting someone, but F*CK, did that segment hurt. Who in the hell thought Karen should ever, ever, EVER be given a microphone?
Backstage, we see Mexican America. Hernandez refers to the group as “a bunch of chupacabras”. Yeah. Sarita starts rambling in Spanish. Rosita threatens to slit someone’s throat. Tag Team title match is next.
If you don’t like the Assassin’s Creed games, you’re wrong. Just saying.
Back from break, we see Ric Flair and Eric Bischoff talking to Gunner. Ric wants Gunner to destroy Garrett tonight. Don’t worry about anything; hurt him and make a name for yourself. Yes. Gunner vs. Garrett Bischoff would main event any bar, flea market or high school gymnasium in the country.
MATCH 4-World Tag Team Championship: Champions Mexican America (Anarquia and Hernandez, w/Rosita and Sarita) vs. Crimson and Matt Morgan
Remember when TNA touted how great their tag team division was? Now, they’re down to the champions, a team called Ink Inc., and Crimson/Morgan getting a title shot despite never teaming before even once. Yes, it’s indeed a great division. Anarquia and Crimson start with a tie-up. Crimson goes into a side headlock and gets 2 off a shoulder block. Back elbow by Crimson, followed by a clothesline, boot and suplex for 2. Has Anarquia ever hit anything but punches and kicks? Crimson locks in a cravat, hits some knees to the face and lands a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Anarquia gets back up and goes to the corner. Crimson sets up for a spear, but the Babysitter Twins distract the referee, allowing Hernandez to clothesline Crimson behind the ref’s back. Hernandez tags and bodyslams Crimson for 2. Anarquia back in, who hits a punch to the stomach, then holds Crimson on the ropes, allowing Hernandez to leapfrog over him and drop across Crimson’s midsection. Anarquia gets a 2-count off of this. Anarquia with some stomps and a reverse chinlock. Hey, he added a new move! He’s now just one move away from tying with David Otunga. Hernandez tags back in and locks in a neck vice. I just noticed that Hernandez has a new tattoo on his stomach. It appears to say “CIM”, whatever the hell that means. Crimson fights out with some punches, but runs right into a shoulder from Hernandez. Hernandez goes for a pin and gets 2. Hernandez goes back to the neck vice before tagging in Anarquia. Anarquia with some shoulders to the gut and a chop. Hernandez back in as Anarquia just surpassed Otunga. Hernandez with a corner whip and a jumping avalanche. Hernandez goes for another whip, but Crimson comes back with a spear. Anarquia and Morgan both tag in. Morgan with a trio of clotheslines. He picks up Hernandez for a fall-away slam. Morgan throws Anarquia into the corner and hits a knee. Throws him into the opposite and hits a clothesline. Morgan gives one to Hernandez as well. Morgan hits a chokeslam on Anarquia for 2, but Hernandez breaks it up. He lays in some punches on Morgan, then the champs whip Morgan into the opposite corner, but Morgan rebounds with a double clothesline. He sets Anarquia up for the Hellevator, but Hernandez breaks it up. Crimson sends Hernandez to the floor before hitting Anarquia with an exploder suplex. Anarquia pops back up just in time to be hit with the Carbon Footprint by Morgan, and this gets the 3.
WINNERS AND NEW CHAMPIONS: Crimson and Matt Morgan. So, these two guys, who are supposedly high up on the list of guys to be pushed for L. Ron Hubbard knows what reason, go from nearly winning the BFG series to winning the now-mostly worthless Tag Team titles.
Backstage, a cameraman catches up with James Storm. Storm calls him the paparazzi, and bets he want to know who jumped Storm. Storm knows exactly who did it, and after this match, he’s going to “out him out”, and the world will know who Storm “thinks” jumped him.
In another backstage area, we see Garrett Bischoff and Sting walking together. Did they just get done reading “Footprints”?
MATCH 5: Gunner (w/Eric Bischoff and Ric Flair) vs. Garrett Bischoff (w/Sting)
Garrett now has music and an awesome video that is nothing but a logo featuring his last name. Garrett spared no expense on his ring gear, coming out in black slacks, a red t-shirt and black Chuck Taylors. Eric tries to distract Garrett and allow Gunner to charge, but Garrett sees it coming and hits Gunner with some punches and a double axe handle. Garrett ducks a corner charge and hits some kicks and punches. He goes for a suplex, but Gunner back body drops him. Gunner misses an elbow, but hits a clothesline. In the corner now, Gunner hits a punch and a forearm to the back. More forearms to the back, followed by a corner whip. Gunner tries a shoulder charge in the corner, but Garrett moves. He goes for a suplex again, but Gunner throws him off. Gunner pretends to sell a shoulder injury. The referee checks on him as Eric holds Garrett’s foot in the corner. Gunner charges in and gets the shoulder to the midsection. Gunner with a punch and a back suplex that didn’t look too good. Gunner rakes the face, then throws Garrett in the corner. He gets another shoulder to the gut and whips Garrett into the other corner. Another shoulder. Man, this offense is varied. Gunner hits another shoulder in the corner. What did I tell you? Gunner drags Garrett to the middle of the ring and slaps him in the head. Garrett gets back up. Gunner goes to pick up Garrett, but Garrett blocks it and hits a DDT, leading to the 3.
WINNER: Garrett Bischoff. I never thought I’d have to recap a Gunner/Garrett Bischoff main event. I hope I never have to ever again.
We see James Storm in the back, making his way into the Impact Zone.
Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception is phenomenal. I just hope this isn’t the end of the series, which it easily could be.
Back from commercials, James Storm is making his way to the ring. He says it seems that no matter where he goes or what he accomplishes, it seems like just because he talks with a little “twang in my slang”, because he wears cowboy boots and tight-fitting jeans, he should be looked down upon and passed over for someone who is more “correct”. This is professional wrestling, and he’s been doing it for 15 years. He is “The Cowboy” James Storm, and he’s as tough as they come. When he was born, the doctor didn’t slap him on the ass because he knew better. Instead, they had a shot of Jack together. How could a doctor give a baby a shot of Jack Daniels and not be in jail? He talks about guys in the back pretending to be tough. He’s been in bar fights and whipped people’s asses every day of his life. He’s sick of playing these cat-and-mouse games about who jumped him last week, so he’s going to blame every sonofabitch in the back for what happened to him. With that said, he’d like “The Phenomenal” A.J. Styles to bring his ass to this ring.
End of show.
Tag team match was good, if for no other reason than it featured Austin Aries. You can miss everything else that took place here.
As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/XDustinEFLX, and follow my personal blog at http://nerdslikeme.blogspot.com (and feel free to leave feedback). Oh, and if you like bodybuilding, check out my mom’s official site by clicking the banner below:
Thanks for reading, and as long as Spike TV still fronts the bill, I’ll see you next week.