Welcome to the 10/27/11 edition of Impact Wrestling. Show starts with a recap of Storm winning the World Championship last week, including a post-match interview that Storm apparently did after the show. If you watched last week, you already know what happened, and you can pretty much guess the content of Storm’s interview. He dedicated the win to his dad, who passed away several years back.
In the Impact Zone, World Champion James Storm comes out, and he’s got brand new entrance music and a video to go along with it. The music sounds very similar to Mickie James’ theme, save for the fact that her hideous voice is nowhere to be found. Storm thanks his dad, who passed away when he was 12. He told his dad he wanted to be a pro wrestler and a champion. He heard all the cliché comments like “you’re not big enough” and all that. Growing up, he and his dad watched football, NASCAR and pro wrestling, and “Dad, I’m the champion.” He thanks the fans, who made his dream come true. He then invites the rest of Fortune to the ring.
Kazarian, Bobby Roode and A.J. Styles make their way out to the ring. Does anyone else find their hand gesture ridiculous-looking? Storm says they have changed Impact Wrestling. Roode was brought out because everyone knows he was screwed out of the World title at Bound For Glory. While getting a drunk at a bar last night, he came up with a great idea-give Bobby Roode the first shot at the blet. Roode shakes his hand.
Sting makes his way out. He says that’s why he’s here-to settle disputes. Joe and Roode both have really strong cases, so he’s going to make a decision. Tonight, a match will determine a new #1 contender, and the match will be between Samoa Joe and Bobby Roode, with the winner facing Storm next week in Macon, GA. Take a wild guess as to who wins that match. Roode, who won the BFG series and main evented BFG, or Joe, who probably won’t be with TNA much longer and has lost to practically every other wrestler in the company this year alone. Gee, tough call.
We see Christopher Daniels talking to Anonymous Interviewer backstage. He says before the interviewer even asks the dumb question, no, he did not say “I quit” at BFG. He looked into it and said Styles took some recordings of him and had them played over the sound system. Styles can’t beat him, and you know who else can’t? Bob Van Dam, and he’ll prove it next.
MATCH 1: Christopher Daniels vs. Rob Van Dam
I don’t think I’ve ever seen Daniels wrestle in pants before. It’s odd-looking. Tie-up to start. RVD turns it into an arm lock, but Daniels reverses into a roll-up for 2. RVD with a body scissors into a pin for 2. Another tie-up. Daniels with a side headlock. Shoulder block off the ropes. Series of misses. Daniels with a roll-up for 2. A.J. Styles comes in for commentary at this point. Daniels with some shots. He tries to ram RVD’s head into the turnbuckle, but RVD blocks with a kick and hits a standing moonsault for 2. RVD misses a roundhouse, and Daniels trips him up, with RVD, botching the landing into the bottom turnbuckle. Daniels with some elbows to the back of the neck and an STO gets 2. RVD kicks off a corner charge and gets some punches, but Daniels counters into a standing uranage. Daniels goes for the BME, but RVD rolls out of the way. Daniels lands on his feet, but eats a kick from RVD. A pair of clotheslines and a thrust kick from RVD. RVD with a monkey flip out of the corner and a springboard thrust kick. RVD goes for Rolling Thunder, but Daniels sees it coming and rolls to the floor. RVD with a cross body to the floor before throwing Daniels back in. He goes for the Five-Star, but Daniels sees that coming and goes back to the floor again. RVD sets Daniels up gut-first on the guardrail and hits the spinning legdrop from the ring apron. Daniels goes under the ring and grabs a toolbox and hits RVD in the gut with it, causing the DQ.
WINNER VIA DISQUALIFICATION: Rob Van Dam. Daniels begins fishing a screwdriver out of the box, but Styles runs down from the announcer’s desk. Daniels runs out through the crowd. A few years ago, RVD/Daniels would have been a great match, but at this point, Van Dam is just going through the motions & collecting a paycheck, and it shows. He’s gotten very lazy in the ring.
We see Karen Jarrett walking with Gail Kim, Traci Brooks and Madison Rayne. Oh, this should be stunning.
Back from the commercial as The Jarrett Horse Ranch makes its way to the ring. Karen orders Traci to hold the ropes open for both Maddy and Gail Kim. Gail says everyone can stop with the e-mails, texts and tweets asking her “Why, Gail? Why?” For starters, it’s none of your damn business. She doesn’t owe anyone an explanation. But if you want to know why Gail Kim gave Velvet Sky a concussion last week, she’d be happy to do so. Her entire career, all she ever did was do what everyone told her to do. First at TNA, then at “another company” (her words). It would have happened again if it hadn’t been for the person with her best interests in mind, Karen Jarrett. It’s not about the company you work for, or the fans who never put a dime in her pocket, it’s about her. If that’s really the case, coming to a company that heavily papers its crowds probably wasn’t the best decision, Gail. Anyway, she says she is now the center of attention, and it’s all about her being the one who gets noticed and getting treated like the main eventer she always was and will be.
Karen says since she is “the queen of my word” (again, her words), and she promised Gail that if she came back to TNA and stood by her side, it would all pay off. At Turning Point, Gail will get a Knockouts title match against Velvet, and the sooner they get the belt off that prostitute Velvet and around Gail’s waist, the better off we’ll all be. Gail says she promises she will not let Karen down, and most of all, she’s not going to let herself down, so bring out a piece of fresh meat right now so she can showcase her greatness. You know, it’s been a long time since I heard a Gail Kim promo. I now realize there was a reason for that.
MATCH 2: Gail Kim (w/Karen Diet Shasta Orange, The Scarecrow and Mrs. King) vs. Knockout Tag Team Co-Champion Tara
God, do I feel old with that reference. At least I know my good friend Kelly Ravelli will appreciate it. Tara is “fresh meat”? She’s older than Gail! As Tara tries to get in the ring, Kim just boots her in the face, sending her all the way down to the floor. Kim throws Tara into the ring and knocks her down from behind before slamming her face into the mat a couple of times. Kim gets some mounted punches in. Tara fights back with gut shots, but a forearm to the head takes her down. Tara with a boot off the ropes, but is taken right back down with a clothesline. She throws Tara out near the horsies. Traci tries to check on her, but is pulled away by Karen. Tara climbs back up on the apron and is slingshot back into the ring by Kim as we go to commercial.
Back from the break, Kim has a foot choke going in the corner. Kim with some more punches. She whips Kim in the corner. Tara moves but takes a back elbow. Kim locks in the Iron Octopus, but Tara turns it into a sidewalk slam. Tara with some punches and clotheslines. Tara hits a flipping neckbreaker for 2. Tara goes for the Spider’s Web, but Kim holds onto the top rope, escapes and sends Tara throat-first into the ropes. Tara turns around into the move that Kim used to call Eat Defeat, and this one’s over.
WINNER: Gail Kim. Tara looked like hell in this match, and it wasn’t because Gail was dominant. No, it was because her moves looked really sloppy, and she was moving at a snail’s pace.
We see Jeff Hardy in the back. He says it’s official, and he is back here in the Impact Zone for his first match back against Blubber Ray. It’s been a long time since they faced each other. In fact, it’s been a long time since he’s faced anyone, and it’s his chance to show everyone he can still do what he used to do.
In another area backstage, Bischoff and Ric Flair walk in. You know, if Dixie had any sense at all, she would have, you know, fired the two guys that stole her company from her in the first place, that being Hogan and Bischoff. Instead, both still have jobs, as does everyone else in Immortal. Logic be damned. Robbie E tries to stop them for whatever reason, but they blow him off. Flair tells Bischoff he needs to give his son some “tough love”, and that’s what he does with his kids.
I don’t know about the movie “Immortals” yet. I did love “300”, so it’s possible that this could be at least halfway decent.
MATCH 3: World Television Champion: Robbie E (w/Rob Terry) vs. Champion Eric Young
Hey, remember when Rob Terry was scheduled to become a main eventer? No? How about when he joined Immortal? Still no? How about when he inexplicably left Immortal to rejoin the British Invasion? No again? That’s alright. Neither does TNA, which explains him inexplicably leaving the British Invasion to hang out with Robbie E. Cookie was the only good thing Robbie E had going for him, but since TNA, in their infinite wisdom, canned her, he’s officially worthless. Eric Young gets in the ring and starts going after the referee, apparently thinking that’s his opponent. Young gets a forearm off the ropes on Robbie. Robbie whips Young into the corner, but Young does the Flair Flip onto the apron before doing some fist-pumping. Young baseball slides between Robbie’s legs to get back into the ring, and Robbie turns around into a belly-to-belly. Taz makes a Magnum TA reference, and for that, I thank him. Young goes for the piledriver, but Terry distracts him. Robbie back drops out of it. He goes for a corner charge, but Young gets the foot up. He follows that up with a crucifix for the pin.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Eric Young. After the match, Rob Terry hits Young from behind. Robbie E tells Terry to pick him up. He holds Young as Robbie E hits a gut shot. Terry picks him up again, with Robbie getting a knee to the gut. One more time. This time, he slaps Young before piefacing him to the mat. As the Robs head to the back, Young gets up and grabs a microphone. He asks who punches a person in the stomach. He’s never been accused of being the smartest guy in the world, but the Robs brought this on themselves. Young says he now has to bring in the “Hollywood heavies”. In Macon, GA, he’s bringing Ronnie from “The Jersey Shore”. Wonderful. Just wonderful. How exactly is that supposed to intimidate anyone? This match was totally pointless. It was obviously supposed to be a comedy match, except it wasn’t funny. And the introduction of yet another “Jersey Shore” waste of money didn’t help at all.
We see Eric Bischoff walking towards the ring, and with purpose. No one’s gonna tell him how to live his life, uh-uh, because if Eric Bischoff wants to rollerblade, Eric Bischoff rollerblades.
We see Christopher Daniels talking to someone on the phone named Bill, and how he’ll be on the podcast. He wants to know who he has to talk to to get a title match. It’s been 9 years, Chris. You’re just now wondering that? He tells “Bill” he beat RVD tonight and Styles at BFG, so “Bill” needs to put his name in and get the contract signed and done. Kazarian walks in as Daniels hangs up. He tells Daniels this stuff with Styles has to stop. All Kazarian is asking Daniels is to talk to him friend-to-friend after the show. Daniels agrees to it.
We now see Blubber Ray talking to Anonymous Interviewer. He wants to know if Jeff Hardy pissed in Sting’s Corn Flakes. His first match back, and he gets Blubber, the one guy who probably knows him better than anyone else. They’ve made history together, and he’s the guy who can make Jeff’s first match back his last match back. He’s never respected Jeff because rehab is for quitters. Well, then you should respect the hell out of Jeff, Blubber, because he’s never gone!
In yet another backstage area, we see Garrett Bischoff, who is shirtless for some reason. He says for the last 18 months, he’s done everything his dad’s told him to do, and he’s been brainwashed. This leads to a highlight video showing all of Junior Bischoff’s questionable calls during the time he’s been in TNA. He says he’s always idolized his dad, but he doesn’t want to do that anymore. I’m going to take a wild guess that Garrett Bischoff will be making his in-ring debut soon.
Back in the Impact Zone, Eric Bischoff makes his way to the ring. He appears to have a goiter on his neck. Wonder if he used to take Mahatma Ghandi’s bald head, dip it in oil and rub it all over his body? Bischoff gets a microphone and tells the crowd to shut up. He has some important family business to take care of. He’s always tried to keep his personal and business lives separate, but his first-born son has decided to make that way more complicated than it needed to be. He tells Garrett to get his ass down here for a father/son chat.
Garrett Bischoff makes his way down to the ring. Eric says that, since Garrett took it upon himself to embarrass his dad on television by punching him between the “frickin’ eyes”, he’s willing to forgive that. His future is right in front of him. He raised Garrett to follow in his footsteps. He did not waste perfectly good semen on someone to fail him when he needed them the most. He allowed Garrett to learn the business from the inside-out from when he was 4 and Eric took him inside the AWA television studio. He’s learned more about the business by accident than most people who study it. Garrett rolls his eyes and head at this. Eric gave him that opportunity because he knew some day he could depend on Garrett, and Garrett could do the right thing. Garrett let him down, embarrassed him, and embarrassed the entire Bischoff family for generations back. Eric says he could kick Garrett’s ass right now, but he’s not going to do that quite yet. He’s going to give Garrett what he normally doesn’t give anyone. Garrett says this is not the way he wants this to go down. Eric doesn’t give a damn, “you selfish little prick”. He’s going to give Garrett the next 30-45 minutes to make a decision: he’s either going to apologize to his dad, or dad’s going to kick his ass. Garrett kind of looks like he belongs in “West Side Story” or “The Outsiders”.
Backstage, Ric Flair is yelling at Anonymous Interviewer. He says that’s not what he calls respect. Garrett is an ungrateful punk kid living in his father’s shadow. He’s going to go find that kid right now and talk to that kid about respect. If Eric doesn’t smack Garrett around, he will. You’re going to go find that kid, Ric? How about, oh, I don’t know, looking in the ring where he was just standing 5 seconds ago?
Back from commercial, Flair has found Garrett. He tells Garrett to address him by his name “Gawd”. When he first learned Garrett wanted in the business, he got excited. It’s a business that needs young men, not disrespectful punks like him. Flair says Garrett is not big enough, man enough or big enough balls to be where his father’s already been. Punks are being broken into the business every day. Flair says Eric needs to kick Garrett’s ass in front of everyone. He’s sick of whining, crying punks like him, as the business is full of them. Flair says he may go out there with Eric to kick Garrett’s ass as well. Garrett better think really hard, because he’s going to have to deal with Er-Ric. He then shoves Garrett a bunch of times before calling him a “f*cking punk”. Holy hell, Ric Flair spits a lot when he talks. I’ve always known this, but it was really on display here.
We then move onto a Jeff Hardy highlight video, including a clip of him with his daughter, who is wearing a baby’s Ed Hardy t-shirt. That poor child. Just when I thought I couldn’t hate Jeff Hardy any more than I already do…
AAA Mega Champion Jeff Jarrett makes his way down to the ring. He grabs a microphone. He tells producer Keith Mitchell he forgot one piece of footage in that video package, that being what happened with Victory Road. He says let’s see the footage of when Jeff Hardy main evented Turning Point 2006. You know why we can’t air it? Because it doesn’t exist because the no-good son-of-a-bitch didn’t show up.
Jeff Hardy’s music hits as he makes his way to the ring. Jeff Hardy: Role model for junkies everywhere. They go to brawl, but security and Earl Hebner immediately break things up. From behind, Blubber Ray attacks Jeff and knocks him down. This leads to the next match as Blubber pulls his wallet chain off.
MATCH 4: Jeff Hardy vs. Bully Ray
Ray starts off with some stomps as the bell rings. Ray with a punch. Ray with a chop to the chest in the corner. Another punch. Commercial.
Yes, I have pre-ordered the collector’s edition of “Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception”, and yes, it will be amazing.
Back from the break, Hardy goes for a cross body. Ray catches him and throws him, but Hardy lands on his feet behind Ray before hitting a reverse enziguri. Ray stumbles back into the corner. Hardy with some shots. Ray reverses a corner whip. Hardy gets the elbow up and hits Whisper in the Wind. Hardy goes for the Twist of Fate, but Ray shoves him off into the ropes and hits a big boot off the rebound. Ray with a Trapezius claw now. Hardy tries to fight out with elbows, but Ray pulls him down to the mat by the hair. Ray with a bodyslam and an elbow drop for 2. Ray slams Hardy’s head into the corner, followed by a corner whip and an avalanche for another 2. Ray with a crossface shot. As this match is going on, we see a Twitter feed from Impact Wrestling, asking fans their favorite Jeff Hardy match. Of course, none of the responses shown will mention any of his WWE matches, despite the fact that all of his best work was there. Ray with more crossface shots. He misses an elbow, and Hardy comes back with punches. Ray gets a knee up and an open-hand chop in the corner. Ray goes for another corner charge, but Hardy gets the feet up. He follows with a clothesline and a middle rope legdrop for 2. Ray comes back with a back body drop off the ropes, but misses a splash. Hardy hits the Twist of Fate, follows that with the Swanton Bomb, and gets the 3.
WINNER: Jeff Hardy. Well, Hardy didn’t botch anything, but there was no flow to this match at all. You would think two guys who have worked together close to 1000 times could put on a better show. Oh, wait. One of those guys is the Jeff Hardy of today. Never mind.
After the match, Christy Hemme comes down for an interview. She welcomes him back to Impact Wrestling. Jeff says he’s off to a good start and would like to welcome everyone back into his life. Jeff Jarrett comes in from behind with a shot to the back. He throws Jeff back in the ring, where he runs into a clothesline from Blubber’s wallet chain. Jeff Jarrett slides a table in the ring as they appear to be setting up for a middle rope superbomb through the table. Just then, Mr. Anderson’s music hits. He runs to the ring and chases Jarrett and Ray off.
Backstage, Bobby Roode says he’s got a ton of things going through his mind. His partner’s World Champion, and now he gets another opportunity to become champion. Tonight, he has Samoa Joe, who he is ready for.
MATCH 5-Winner becomes the #1 contender for the World Championship: Samoa Joe vs. Bobby Roode
Wow. We’re getting the main event with 20 minutes left in the show? Could it be we’ll actually get a reasonably-long main event? Bobby Roode has new music of his own as well and…well, it sounds like a combination of Storm’s new music and Mickie James’. Can TNA do an original theme song at all? For L. Ron Hubbard’s sake, Karen and Jeff Jarrett have the exact same theme, only the beat has been slowed down for Karen’s. This main event is brought to you by 5-Hour Energy because main events need sponsors. 5-Hour Energy: We have some of the stupidest commercials on television right now; how could we NOT be associated with TNA? Tie-up to start as Joe backs Roode into the corner. Joe with some punches that send Roode to the mat. Roode comes back with his own corner punches and kicks. Joe reverses a corner whip, but Roode comes back with a clothesline and a neckbreaker for 2. Glad to see Roode’s got less cheap-looking gear on tonight. Roode with a corner whip, but Joe gets his elbow up. He goes for a clothesline, but Roode turns it into the Bowflex. Joe immediately breaks this by sliding to the floor. Joe pulls Roode to the floor and rams him back-first into the apron, followed by a knife-edge to the chest. Joe throws Roode back in, but Roode comes back with punches and a chop. He bounces off the ropes, but runs right into a powerslam for 2. Joe with an inverted atomic drop, big boot and running senton for 2. Joe goes into a reverse chinlock, which he then turns into a modified dragon sleeper. Roode fights out with elbows, but runs right into a forearm shot. Joe goes back to the reverse chinlock. Roode fights out again, but Joe comes back with a punch and an inverted atomic drop. Roode in turn hits the “Double R” spinebuster. Trading shots now, with Roode getting the better. Joe comes back with some slaps. Roode comes back with a flying forearm and a clothesline. Roode boots off a corner charge and hits the blockbuster from the middle rope for 2. Roode goes for the Payoff, but Joe reverses into a Death Valley driver for 2. Joe sets up for the Muscle Buster, but Roode fights out and locks on the Bowflex. Joe reverses into a pin for 2. Joe hits an over-the-shoulder gutbuster, but Roode is selling a knee injury instead. Taz called the move a “kneebreaker”, despite the fact that it was clearly not. Joe picks Roode up, but Roode boots him off into the corner. Joe walks right into the Payoff out of the corner as Roode gets 3.
WINNER AND NEW #1 CONTENDER: Bobby Roode. I really truly believed Joe would win this match. I am totally not lying. Anyway, this was a good match, even though they only gave the match 10 minutes. That means Bischoff/Bischoff will eat up ANOTHER 10 minutes of time tonight. Haven’t these two already had enough TV time wasted on them tonight. Considering Joe is likely to not resign his TNA contract when it runs out and the losing streak, I’d say it’s guaranteed he’s either ROH or WWE bound soon.
Eric Bischoff is backstage with Anonymous Interviewer. He says he’s looking forward to this crap with his son. We’re going to see what tough love is all about.
End of show.
The main event was good, but too short. Is TNA allergic to giving us longer matches? You telling me they couldn’t have combined the Bischoff segments together and given Roode & Joe another 5-10 minutes?
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